emily1030

Curve Ball...

10 posts in this topic

So I've only been in one relationship and he was also waiting until marriage, so there were no issues there.

Well, I've been spending time with a guy I met recently and tonight we went on what I would call our first date. It was going great, when all of a sudden he throws on me the fact that he has a daughter. He was never married. Being very inexperienced and very sure of the fact that I'm saving sex for marriage, this was quite a shock to me.

Have any of you had to deal with a situation like this, or even just dealing with someone who hadn't been living the lifestyle of waiting?

As soon as he said it, I immediately thought "well played, God, well played." Because I know He knows this is something that would throw me for a loop, haha.

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Okay Emily I have a little girl I love to consider my own now. The mother and I met a two and half years ago and she told me after we had been talking a bit. I was surprised and thrown for a loop, but I now wouldn't change a thing about being in that little girls life even though we're not together. My advice is just to stick to what you believe if he pressures you then end it but if not and he's a good guy don't write someone off for having a child. I now have a beautiful little girl I love that isn't my blood I don't know if you want that but I'd say give it a shot if he is a good guy. Also give the guy a break a child is kinda a bombshell you don't wanna drop like "hi my name is Todd I have a 4 year old"

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you know... it IS a loop.   I'm sure it was also one for him.   But it's clear that it's a really important of who he is today... and the fact is he didn't hide it - he brought it up early on...  So yes... you can decide that the whole situation is something you just can't match up with... or you can decide that he's man enough and integrity enough to claim that as important and wants you to know it because for him...  acceptance of that will be a dealbreaker.   But it's up to you to decide whether trying to accept the fact that he's a father, out of wedlock and not a waiter...  if those things are dealbreakers for you.

 

Having said all that...   you seemed to indicate that he was a pretty great enough guy for you to get interested in and go out with... and you didn't dismiss it straight out of hand... so that makes me think you're thinking about it.   No matter what you decide...   you should just be aware of how you're processing it, how you're feeling about it and him, and most importantly what it means to you about going forward - and sharing that with him whether you decide to continue or not.

 

and i vote with Dasboy.   seems like he's a good enough guy that maybe another chance with this might be in order... as long as you lay out clearly on the table where you stand too :-).

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Hey guys, thanks so much for your advice! It really helped me out in my decision. It's been a few weeks now and we are definitely heading in the direction of an official relationship. I'm so happy with the decision I made. He knows I'm waiting and respects that and I've learned more and more about the situation with his daughter and continue to realize he's a great father and this is something I really want to try.

I know there's a lot more to deal with that could cause problems but he's given me no reason to think he's not worth the chance yet. I'm really happy :)

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Well I'm happy to hear things are working out, I hope and pray things continue to go well for you in that situation.

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Ok, new question:

When do I bring up the conversation about what my limits are? Now, when we're still just kissing? Or wait until things start to go further? I've never had to deal with this before since my only ex was also waiting and we met online and talked about all this way before we even met in person.

I don't want it to be awkward if I bring it up now but I also don't want to make him feel rejected if he tries something soon and I have to stop him when he had no idea it was off limits.

What are your opinions, guys?

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Emily1030 eeeekkk!!! First off how exciting!!! Just be very careful Emily!

 

You wanna find out things and as much as possible with the mother of that child. Does she still have feelings, how often they talk, see eachother etc. Those things can get really messy real quick if  things are not said or understood early on. I've had gf's who've gotten with a guy who has a child just to have the mother of the child and the father rekindle. So becareful and understand they will always have a bond because of that child and that child will always come first and be his first, sometimes before the next person he's with and if they have a family later on. Also, the guy may not necessarily be honest about their relationship and it may be platonic now but just becareful and as sharp as possible as ya'lls relationship progresses. The only reason I say this is because I've had friends close to me who were WTM and gave a guy who had a child a chance and it was a disaster and they were so intertwined they ended up getting married and their husband was lured in by the mother of his first child. So make sure you protect yourself and not be very naive.

 

& as far as the physical intimate part, limit ya'lls alone time because things can progress really fast and it's better to let him know sooner than when things are going and progressing and it's too hard to stop because the physically pleasure and you think "oh just a little bit or just this once." Things happen fast so becareful and know your limits♥ Take care girly♥

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i think in the same vein as you addressed directly the issue of him having a daughter... you need to address where you are on this aspect of your growing relationship as well.... it's a perfect build if you haven't talked about it per se...   your wonders and questions about the child and aobut his relationship with her mother (just as OHG points out) need a little tapping down... and in the same openness you can share more specifically where you are comfortable with a physical relationship and affections going between the two of you... esp now that it's more of a relationship and less of a casual dating thing.

 

get in there and talk some more!   it SOUNDS like he may very well be worth it...  and at the very least...   you will learn for yourself what it is to bring this topic up and to speak your point of view aobut phsycial relationship lines... and to do so with respect and sensitivity... just like he brought up his daughter.  :-)

 

good luck - as always.

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I would set limits now, from personal experience if you don't set limits then you go past what you want to do.

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