Anna

Feeling like the last one...

7 posts in this topic

Hi! This is going to be a bit or a rant I guess but here goes!

Recently, as I do from time to time, I've been feeling like the only one left out of my friends who is still powering on with my decision to wait until marriage. As the number of friends who haven't had sex begin to dwindle I can't help but feel like the odd one out!

I think what has kick fired this feeling is the fact that one of my very close friends who has always had strong morals about sex has come to the point in her relationship with her boyfriend where she feels she is ready for sex and has even got an implant in her arm which is a form of contraceptive to prevent her getting pregnant. I found it a pretty big shock as she was one of my only friends who held strong values about sex and although I respect her and agree that everything has fitted into place for her to validate her decision, I can't help but feel as though I'm looked down upon sometimes because of my decision. I'm happy to be single and I would rather enjoy my youth with friends and family with the occasional date instead of get into a complicated relationship right now but when some of your closest friends seem to be growing up waaay before I am, I'm starting to feel a little left behind.

I know you have a lot articles which have helped such as the 7 deadly sins and the type of questions that you get asked and how to reply. The only thing that I still can't control is the way it can make me feel! I went out with a meal with said friend along with others and although they respect my decision, they looked at me with such puzzled faces as to why I want to wait and asked me questions like "how do you know that after you're married you will even have any sexual compatibility?" or "what if he is rubbish in bed and there's no chemistry?"

I don't know if anyone else feels this way but questions like that can really anger me and make me feel belittled. Whenever I get asked questions like this, I can't help but think that they believe I hadn't spent ANY time with my husband. As if we're not going to know whether we are attracted to each other in every kind of way after at least 1 year of dating! I don't plan to marry someone unless I know I'm attracted to them physically and emotionally. You can't have a marriage based on physical attraction-it just doesn't work like that.

I don't know if I'm being hopeful here but I'm 100% sure you know you're going to be sexually compatible without having to have sex. Kissing is a passionate and loving act in itself! If your heart starts to race and you want nothing more than to just hold and kiss that person then surely that is a form of chemistry!? In addition to this, you don't marry someone for good sex, you marry someone because you love them and want to devote yourself to them for the rest of your life. If that person is rubbish you learn how to get better! Practice makes perfect does it not!? You don't base an entire marriage on sexual compatibility. You need to match emotionally too. Think about how looks fade, libidos die, age and ailments kick in...what happens then? I'd want someone to be there for me as a companion in my old age and not just a lover in my youth.

To me, these questions came across as ignorant and insulting and made me feel like an outcast. Like my decision would bring doom to my marriage because I hadn't "tested the car before I'd bought it"

I felt like a naive idiot. Just because they had experienced sex and had come to find it was the most important thing in their relationship doesn't mean I want to centre my entire marriage around it.

Okay rant over, I apologise!

Anna.

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P.s. just re-read the 5 arguments against marriage and it is a great article that I connect with greatly! And the sexual compatibility section makes me feel more positive about the future so I know what I can do but because I'm not in a relationship right now and probably won't have to worry about it for quite some it didn't quite speak to me during this rant above. This was more about friends and I think I need to become a lot more comfortable in my own skin before I can let things like this not bother me but at this moment in time it bothers me. Glad I can waffle on on this website it's probably just unfortunate for you!

Anna.

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Trust me, you're not alone. A very close friend of mine, who was raised as a strong Christian, lost his, after his mother died. It most definitely had to do with the sense of loss and the trial of his faith that he went through...but in my opinion, was a horrible decision to make (I mean, what would his mother, who instilled in him those strong values, be thinking, even in the afterlife?) It definitely distanced us as friends (as I'm still waiting)...especially with the manner in which he revealed his 'giving it up' to some girl...So, don't feel bad. The one's who give it up early on, will presumably later on regret it. I've seen this with my own eyes and heard it with my own ears. Girls who lost it outside of marriage, before meeting me and later developing feelings for me, admitted to regretting the fact that they lost it so early on. Aside from that, don't give up and if ya need to vent/rant, vent/rant away...we all need to do this from time to time.

See ya on the flipside,

Tempest Desh

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Anna,

The hardest part of waiting till marriage is other people.

Non-waiters trying to bash your decision to wait are hard enough sometimes, but all the arguments and criticisms in the world can't hold a candle to the amount of emotional stress caused by seeing an ally give up. It weakens your defenses and makes you suddenly start questioning in a way that few other events can. And then you have to find other sources to fill in the hole that used to be filled by the strength your friend's shared battle lent you.

Unfortunately, this is just one of the parts of waiting: You have to see the majority of people around you having sex, and learn to be OK with it. Then you have to watch friends claim that they're waiting and give up, and learn to not let it reflect on your own decision.

I know it sucks, but what's the other option? Give up because they gave up? No way...you'd always feel guilty and conflicted and bitter about giving up...because you didn't do it on your own terms.

The only option left is to proceed forward for your own sake, unaffected by what somebody else decides for themselves. If you stay the course and wait, you did it because you knew it was right for you and you had the will to do it. If you choose to have sex, you do so because you have your reasons...not because you're giving in to the pressures others have placed on you. Either way, the only sane choice is to disregard the actions of others, as hard as that may be at times.

Few of us decided to wait until marriage because it was popular. Now you're feeling the sting of that unpopularity.

As for the "my friends seem to be growing up while I'm not" concern: You're right. They are growing up faster. Having sex is one of the milestones of adulthood. Like buying a house, completing your education, becoming financially independent from your parents, etc. It accelerates maturity in some ways. It makes your non-waiting friends more naturally content and complete whereas you will tend to feel more incomplete and unfulfilled. "Content and complete" may look and talk like grown-up maturity...but there are powerful advantages to remaining incomplete and unfulfilled longer than others.

It's the difference between a flower that blooms every week and a flower that blooms only once per year. It would be easy for the once-per-year flower to look at the weekly flowers and say "they are more mature than me...they have already bloomed". But that's not entirely the case. The once-per-year flower may mature more slowly, but it tends to be more special, more sought after, more appreciated, and more expensive. When the once-per-year flower finally does bloom, people come from far and wide to see it...because it is brilliant, because it is rare. And they pass a hundred of those weekly flowers along the way, not even noticing.

Aside from that, don't give up and if ya need to vent/rant, vent/rant away...we all need to do this from time to time.

Also, this. biggrin.gif

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Thank you both. It definitely helps to have a site like this where you can confide in fellow 'waiters' like you! I definitely feel better about it all now but be prepared for another rant in the future I'm sure!

right back at you :D

Anna.

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I've felt left out and like I'm the last virgin on Earth; it's brought me down somedays.

As time went on and I started seeing my friends start to either get sexually active or give in and break their promise, I started feeling my hope fly away. Some people have told me that I'm noble for still holding my promise and respect me for it. While others have said cold, cutting remarks ranging from," Have fun with your Disney romance" to softer things such as, "It'll be a long wait for you to find a guy that'll be fine with you not putting out."

Like you, I had a really close friend that changed her ways. She told me that she wasn't planning on waiting, but she'd give herself to somebody who she loved. Ever since she gave herself away, she's given so much more of her personality and the friend she used to be. She tells me that sex is part of a relationship and brought up the sexual compatibility point. Ever since she told me that, she's came off to me as being really superficial all around. Ex: She tells me how boggled down she is with having all these papers to write and that she can't hang out with me [We haven't seen one another in over three years now] , yet on her facebook, there are pictures of her out with other people and whatnot after telling me this. I don't even bother to argue with her about what she tries to make me feel "juvenile" with. I look at her life and see how full it is of sheer drama, a nice little love triangle she's in, and how complicated everything is because she decided to have sex!

I almost wanted to bring up the same thing that you mentioned. So what if the sex isn't great? I think it's something that you can get better at and grow together! I don't see how sex defines a relationship, let alone marriage, and I feel that people who make it outweigh everything else is rather... shallow. Good for you and knowing what really should matter!

The silver lining to this? This may have actually aided me in drifting away from some of the negative influences in my life who don't view me as an equal just because I'm different. I found myself being brought closer to people, even if they don't hold the exact beliefs I do, that can love me for who I am; they respect me. Most people actually amended me and told me that I'm doing something great and that they wished they had done the same thing too. So when people tell you otherwise, I tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine.

I also loved this metaphor. <3

It's the difference between a flower that blooms every week and a flower that blooms only once per year. It would be easy for the once-per-year flower to look at the weekly flowers and say "they are more mature than me...they have already bloomed". But that's not entirely the case. The once-per-year flower may mature more slowly, but it tends to be more special, more sought after, more appreciated, and more expensive. When the once-per-year flower finally does bloom, people come from far and wide to see it...because it is brilliant, because it is rare. And they pass a hundred of those weekly flowers along the way, not even noticing.

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I'm with Mike. The hardest part of waiting isn't waiting (well maybe... but also --> ) it's dealing with everyone else around you!

@ Anna: I am so sorry you ended up with that situation with your friend! But I have to think that everyone has had a friend like the one you describe... one who was, as Mike put it, an ally in the wait... and then changed his or her mind... deliberately, or just in the moment one night.

And it SUCKS.

My best friend in my early twenties wasn't a waiter, but he had really only been with one girl and then she broke his heart by breaking it off. And so, we found ourselves both waiting - without really talking about it (because we're guys and we don't talk about that LOL)... and then one day, he sort of nervously broke into a conversation where he admitted he had spent the night with his new girlfriend.

And honestly... I felt let down. My comrade-in-arms had defected to the other side.

I was lucky though - I didn't have the changed-friendship-forever experience you seem to be describing... I eventually kinda got over it - and we never stopped being best friends - but I concede... it does change the way you look at your friends and yourself about this... until you re-ground yourself in the choice you made was for yourself, and your future husband/wife... and it isn't always going to be the same choice your friends make...

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