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Mike

Mike - 28/M

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Hello All,

I'm Mike, creator of waitingtillmarriage.org. For those that care: I'm a 27-year-old guy from Georgia. I'm a programmer by day and a writer/exercise addict by night. I like running, cycling, mountain biking, lifting weights, and helping people. I'm back in school for psychology and planning to stay there all the way through grad school.

I decided to wait until marriage to have sex when I was about 17. I was dating a girl and it was going *that* direction, to the point where I had to deliberately make a decision about whether or not I would have sex.

I decided that I at least wanted to wait until there was real love on both sides...and when I considered how casually the word "love" was tossed out all around me (again, I was in high school) without any real meaning attached to it...I figured I might as well just wait until marriage, since that was the likely time that I would have the love I wanted to wait for.

Now, 10 years later, I've had plenty of great dating relationships, but none that I would classify as full-blown love. Some have come close, but were still missing something very obvious (at least in retrospect).

These days I'm of the opinion that real mutual love is so rare that once you find it you will probably marry that person anyways. So waiting on mutual love and waiting till marriage are basically the same thing in my book...at least based on my image of love, as evolved through all the relationships I've had/witnessed.

Thankfully I've been close enough to the kind of love I'm looking for that I am convinced that it is very attainable and hopefully one day I'll find/earn it for myself.

In the mean time, I'm still waiting. And I still think it will be worth it.

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Mike, I am exactly like you, accept 29. I'm a musician and part-time web developer and you and I have pretty much the exact same story. I feel for you man. I hope we both find what we're waiting for.

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Thanks, Zack and MusicGuy. Sorry it took me so long to see/approve your posts. If you're still interested in posting, I've turned off post moderation once and for all!

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I decided to wait until marriage to have sex when I was about 17. I was dating a girl and it was going *that* direction, to the point where I had to deliberately make a decision about whether or not I would have sex.

What helped you make the decision to wait? Had you thought about this at all before you were 17? I was trying to pinpoint the age that I decided to wait and that got me thinking. I don't know if I ever did make that decision. I mean that not waiting never really came up as an option. Oddly. Part of the reason for this seems to be a strange ideal that carried over from my youth.

I always wanted the best. At least in things that I deemed important and things that I knew I could conquer with a high degree of success (baseball did not fit into this category). I recall having a desire to achieve perfection and what was surely a minor case of OCD. The best example of this I can cull from my younger days is my treatment of certain video games. If presented a scenario where I would be able to complete a game in half the time it would normally take but as a result would miss half the items, I would have refused. To me the game would not actually have been completed. A similar characteristic has survived into adulthood in my attitude toward academic papers/essays. I am almost incapable of turning in something that I feel is less than my best work. This has caused me to blow past a few deadlines but in most cases has worked out well. It is of my opinion that this trait, this vision of grandeur, was the kernel for my decision to wait. Once I matured it was easy to translate my borderline OCD perfectionism into a lens through which I could observe my increasingly adult world. This gave rise to the belief of a soul-mate and the rest is history. I think. This is all speculation but I'm curious to know whether you had/have similar traits. It seems like these characteristics would lend themselves well to the idea of one person being the best fit emotionally, intellectually, etc...

Thankfully I've been close enough to the kind of love I'm looking for that I am convinced that it is very attainable and hopefully one day I'll find/earn it for myself.

In the mean time, I'm still waiting. And I still think it will be worth it.

I too have been very close to the kind of love I'm looking for. That split was the hardest of them all. I felt like Icarus, so close to the heavens and so full of wonder, before he plummeted into the Aegean.

The old adage says that good things come to those who wait. When we find her, it will be worth more than all the gold in Babylon.

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Dude, Leo. You're freaking me out. I agree on all points: The very young-age notion of ideal love that naturally led into waiting. The OCD. The wanting the best. The taking the long route in video games. EVERYTHING.

I still remember having a recurring dream when I was young that involved a beautiful girl that I was in love with. I had the same dream several times throughout my childhood (to the point where I can still remember it very clearly now, almost 20 years later). I remember looking for this dream girl in my waking life. I remember being very young (age 11 or 12 max), at a pharmacy with my mother, and following some random blond woman around because I thought she might be the girl from my dream. And in one way or another I think I've carried that sense of expectation throughout the rest of my life.

I can't ever remember not passively expecting that one other person. I've had a monogamous mentality since I was under the age of 10.

Now I'm curious: Have you ever taken the Myers Briggs personality test? Because according to that test, I'm an INFP, which belongs to the "idealist" temperament. Among the four types of idealists, INFP is the most idealistic of all the idealists. So of the 16 possible personality types (everybody is one of them), I'm the one that is both the most idealistic, and (EDIT: nearly) the smallest percentage of the population. When I learned this I had to wonder whether all us waiters were NF's (the idealist type). Maybe I should put test up here!

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Dude, Leo. You're freaking me out. I agree on all points: The very young-age notion of ideal love that naturally led into waiting. The OCD. The wanting the best. The taking the long route in video games. EVERYTHING.

Ha that’s super weird! Looks like I struck gold! Or at least a common vein in the psychology of people who choose to wait! Quite cool though.

I still remember having a recurring dream when I was young that involved a beautiful girl that I was in love with. I had the same dream several times throughout my childhood (to the point where I can still remember it very clearly now, almost 20 years later). I remember looking for this dream girl in my waking life. I remember being very young (age 11 or 12 max), at a pharmacy with my mother, and following some random blond woman around because I thought she might be the girl from my dream. And in one way or another I think I've carried that sense of expectation throughout the rest of my life.

The dream is interesting; did the blonde woman notice you following her?? While I didn’t have a dream I have definitely always had the sense of expectation. I can’t remember not having this mentality either. At times it has felt like a curse rather than a blessing, sort of a ‘how did I draw this straw in life?’ thing.

As a totally random side note, ever since I saw Inception I’ve been attempting to have a lucid dream, a dream where the dreamer is aware that they’re in a dream. One thing that’s supposed to help is keeping a dream log which I’ve been doing pretty consistently. The other morning I woke up and in the dream that I’d just been having I had begun to notice how strange the world was. It was very exciting! I’ll have to let you know if I ever get there. One interesting thing that I read was that if you are experiencing a lucid dream the easiest way to check is to open a book and read a little bit. Then close the book and reopen it to the same spot. If the text has changed then it’s likely that you’re in a dream.

I have actually taken the MBTI and I believe that I was ENFP, which is also Idealist! I was reading about the test though and I have a ton in common with both INFP and ENFP. Some of the stuff in the description was uncannily accurate!

According to Wikipedia INFJ is actually the least common type. David Keirsey called INFP the Healer. Here is what is said about the Healer in regards to love and relationships:

“One of the rarest of the types, Healers can be both extremely romantic and extremely independent. They are likely to want a mate who won't shrink from their expansive imagination. They are often attracted to those whom others have overlooked, given the Healers' rare ability to see the positive qualities that lie beneath the surface.

In romantic relationships, Healers generally seek mates who, like themselves, have a highly developed inner life. An ideal mate must be open to the Healers' expressions of unique ideas. Healers may need long periods of privacy, followed by periods of intense intimacy, so they are best suited to a partner who can adapt to these changing needs.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, Healers are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they are deeply caring and genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making Healers valued friends and confidants. They do not like conflict and go to great lengths to avoid it. In conflict situations, they place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on how the conflict makes people feel, a trait that can make them appear irrational and illogical.â€

Pretty interesting, I’d recommend reading more about the Healer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Healer_(role_variant)

It would be super cool to put the test up if you could. I think it costs money to take it though…

Tempest, you’re a Rational! Your role is called Mastermind. You can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mastermind_(Role_Variant)

If you wouldn’t mind do you think you could elaborate on what traits/influences helped you in deciding to wait?

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Okay Leo, that's twice in this thread that you've freaked me out with self discovery. I had read about the idealist type before, but hand't heard of that healer angle, nor the romantic expectations. Of all the paragraphs I've read about INFP, I think the ones you just pasted hit me the hardest. I've only begun to learn about Type, but now I think I'm going to dive down this rabbit hole a lot further than I first intended.

That's awesome we're both idealists (and almost the same type!). I wonder what percentage of waiters are idealists...it has to be high.

did the blonde woman notice you following her?

I don't really remember because I was so young, but I think she left the store before I could actually get a good look at her. In my memory, she's just a phantom. I mostly remember the chain of thought: Hey, that's like the girl from the dream...imma stalk her.

As a totally random side note, ever since I saw Inception I’ve been attempting to have a lucid dream

Neat! I tried that once, but didn't stick with it. I felt too weird having my dreams written down in a notebook/file. It felt...incriminating...vulnerable. Although in my case, I almost always realize that I'm dreaming in long dreams. My problem is control. Like I remember finding myself in a post-apocalyptic world (like the president's dream in Dennis Quaid's Dreamscape) and there were these nuclear wolves everywhere with glowing red eyes. Realizing that I was in a Nightmare, I creating an M16 for myself. Then I tried to will silver bullets into the clip. But I could hear my subconscious thinking "gun doesn't fire" and sure enough...gun wouldn't fire. I've had dozens if not hundreds of dreams like this...where I try to control them but my subconscious always wins out.

So if you figure out a way around that subconscious problem on one of your lucid dreaming trips, let me know!

I'm definitely going to add a MBTI-ish test/poll on here at some point. We could start with a 16-question "what type are you" poll, and then eventually create out own mini/unofficial version of the MBTI for people who don't know. If you've got any ideas for what questions to put on a test/how to structure it...let me know.

I'm INTJ...so I'm not sure where that figures into the mix, lol.

@TempestDesh - That does figure! Al three of us are iNtuitives! Maybe that's a link! Like Leo, I would very much like to know what traits led to your decision to wait, purely for science, of course. :lol:

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@Zoe - Sweet! Ok, I think we have an official trend here. I think I'm going to start a new thread for this at some point, because I think we may be on to something.

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I think I'm INSJ---so cool to see that you all have some similarities. I'm totally comfortable with all of the qualities except the I....I've always like to be a little more outgoing....it's something I work on .

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Of all the paragraphs I've read about INFP, I think the ones you just pasted hit me the hardest.

Even though I'm not a 'healer' I am very close to that role, and the stuff hit me pretty hard too. The whole time I was reading I just kept thinking, this is so me! Here's some stuff from ENFP that I thought fit me uncannily well -

"Champions have a strong desire to make their thoughts known to the world. When Champions speak or write, they are often hoping to use their convictions to motivate others to participate in advocacy or they hope to reveal a hidden truth about the human experience. Champions are greatly concerned with ethics and justice and have a strong desire to speak about current issues and events.

Champions consider intense emotional experiences to be vital to life and view the world as a drama. They are constantly seeking to learn about everything that has to do with advancement of good and the retreat of evil in the world.

Champions are keen observers of the people around them. They have exceptional intuitive abilities and are capable of intensely concentrating on a particular individual. Champions are often able to read hidden emotions and to place significance on the actions of others. Champions are constantly scanning their social environment and intriguing characters are not likely to escape their attention. Their attention is usually active rather than passive.

Many champions project their intuitive and perceptive abilities out into the world and are constantly wondering about future possibilities that can improve themselves, others, or situations."

The bit about intense emotional experience, and intensely concentrating on a particular individual both play into the idea of waiting for the one.

I also found this line under the 'social roles' for the Idealist Temperament (anybody in the 'NF' category) rather interesting.

"Idealists seek mutuality in their personal relationships. Romantically, they want a soulmate with whom they can share a deep spiritual connection."

It looks like you may have been onto something in thinking that a high percentage of waiters are idealists. :lol:

Neat! I tried that once, but didn't stick with it. I felt too weird having my dreams written down in a notebook/file. It felt...incriminating...vulnerable. Although in my case, I almost always realize that I'm dreaming in long dreams. My problem is control. Like I remember finding myself in a post-apocalyptic world (like the president's dream in Dennis Quaid's Dreamscape) and there were these nuclear wolves everywhere with glowing red eyes. Realizing that I was in a Nightmare, I creating an M16 for myself. Then I tried to will silver bullets into the clip. But I could hear my subconscious thinking "gun doesn't fire" and sure enough...gun wouldn't fire. I've had dozens if not hundreds of dreams like this...where I try to control them but my subconscious always wins out.

This dream sounds crazy awesome. I want nuclear wolves! I actually dream about zombies a lot which I quite enjoy. I know what you mean about having dreams written down, I have some on my cellphone and I always think that if I lost my phone and somebody was looking through it they'd think I was insane.

If you've got any ideas for what questions to put on a test/how to structure it...let me know.

The more I think about these types, the more I do want to get a test up on here. I would be pretty interesting to see what the breakdown of site traffic turned out to be. One of my friends swore they took a free version online somewhere, I'll have to do a little digging and see if I can find something. A brief google search didn't turn up much. I read somewhere that a lot of people that test a few years later end up with different types or at least varying degrees of each category. It'd be cool to see if things have changed over time. The test I took was in 2008, so it's been a little while.

I think I'm INSJ

This isn't actually a possible type. The 'S' would have to be either an 'F' or a 'T.' Either way everyone that has posted a type so far falls under the 'Introspective' category!

post-84-0-22174100-1304115219_thumb.jpg

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That is a little different thatn what I have seen as far as personality tests, but usually they are eerily accurate...I guess they are designed that way tho =P

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