XD005

Would you leave a guy if he struggled with your past?

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  1. 1. Would you leave a guy if he struggled with your past?

    • Yes
      5
    • No
      4

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20 posts in this topic

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I'm a waiter.
I just got out of a relationship with someone who was essentially the girl of my
dreams with everything but her being a virgin. It tore me up inside, I didn't say anything about it for a while in the relationship. But what hurt worse is she would often talk about the guy not being shy, etc, etc. She told me how sex feels etc, etc and I told her numerous times not to talk about that as it hurt me to know her past. And all this happened a year before I met her.

But anyway, I told her one day how I felt bad about it. At first she said that she wished she had known it was gonna be an issue and then became defensive. She told me it was unrealistic to want a virgin woman at the age 20, and sometimes I do actually believe her. But she would tell me things to discourage me and that actually made me feel bad about my decision to wait. She would tell me that I needed therapy for my feelings and she considered it a compulsion,etc,etc. Eventually one day she told me that she was waiting until marriage, then the right guy, and then finally gave up because she thought she wouldn't meet anyone, before me. But what sorta bugged me the most is she would continually pressure me to have sex, she would actually feel bad about me not wanting to do it with her. She would constantly talk about what-if we did this, etc, etc. And looking back at it, I guess I don't need that kind of pressure but she eventually broke up with me saying that what if it becomes too much and I decide to leave her for a virgin? While I was commited to making it work, she has kind of broken me in my beliefs and I'm having a tough time keeping faith I will find another person with the same values as me but now im getting off subject.

I just want to know, would you leave a guy if he was struggling to accept your past but was really trying hard to make things work?

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Hey there, welcome to our family! First off, I want to extend my sympathies for what you went through. Breakups tend to be really difficult, especially when you invested so much into the relationship.

 

It's clear to me that there was a fundamental difference between your values and hers. As such, that difference alone is more than reason enough to end the relationship. Personally, I would not leave a girl over not being a virgin in and of itself. But I would leave her if she tried to make excuses for her past or even put me down for my values. That sounds like what your ex did. She didn't respect your values and even disrespected them. The right girl for you would encourage and support your values, not bring you down. The right girl also would not constantly talk about her past relationships and sexual encounters in the way you described. That is is blatantly disrespectful to you and the relationship. You value waiting, something that is rare and seen as abnormal and outdated in today's society. By her saying it's unrealistic to expect a virgin past the age of 20 just shows how lost she is to society's expectations. What she believes is a lie and just flat out false. Do not be deterred by what she said. You're better without her. You're on the right path and you have an entire community of like-minded people of all ages who are ready to support you in any way you can.

 

Glad to have you with us!

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there is a difference between a woman tolerating your morals and a woman sharing the same morals as you.

obviously she did not respect the fact that you want to wait until marriage.

you did the right thing by not compromising your morals for her.

you should date a girl who waits with you and not for you. 

don't dwell on her because you deserve so much better. 

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To answer the question at hand, no.

 

I would not just up and leave someone just because he was struggling with my past. I would definately encourage open communication on both ends. If we can not open up and express our feelings, needs, desires and expectations then we have no hope of growing as a couple. Honest communication is essential. 

 

I also wouldn't allow someone to pressure me into questioning my values and beliefs. Don't lose yourself in a relationship. Remaining true to you is critical. If she can't wait with you, she needs to get to stepping. Don't settle for the sake of having a relationship. You are far more valuable than that! 

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I'd like to add... don't let anyone tell you that you have a compulsion or that you need therapy because you struggle with someone's past. That's utterly absurd and profoundly biased. It's suggesting that we all think alike and all have identical values. One can only make that conclusion without thinking critically.

 

Also, it's not unrealistic to want a virgin girl or to find one. That's just not true. Just because the alternative is easier to find, doesn't make finding a virgin unrealistic. That's not a logical assessment.

 

Lastly, if you're confident you can overlook a girl's sexual past (which it looks like you can), great and I completely support you with that. But if you feel you can't, then getting into a relationship with a girl who has a sexual past isn't wise.

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Wow.  I'm a bit speechless to be honest.  But I can understand how you felt towards her.  It's like a dagger or stake through the heart.

 

A thing that stood out for me was, how she pressured you to have sex with her.  Okay let's start from point A.  First she "demoralized" you.  To feel bad why you wait etc.  And that you need counseling.  One very good thing of you, you stood by your morals and not being pressured by having sex.  Let's take for instance .. let's say you gave up.  And both of you had a night of passion.  Let's say it wasn't good enough in her views and you felt "wow ~ I totally loves her ~ she's adorable feeling ~ up in the clouds what ever we want to call it" and the next morning she tells you. "Hun, I think we should break up"  .. imagine how devastated you would have been.  Because your pride possession is now lost, and will never return [v-card].

 

Another thing that bugs me, she pressured you to have sex with her.  Then her next boyfriend maybe she will bug too.  It's like a wheel that turns or a cycle.  It feels for me.. she is actually looking for a sex partner.  Like test driving a car.  If she don't like a Nissan engine, then she goes to the Toyata engine.  And if the Toyota engine doesn't have enough oomph.. then she will enter the BMW garage, until she finds her Ferrari engine.  That's how I sees her.

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Honestly it sounds like she was the one needing therapy. She was probably insecure with herself(sounds like it) and put all her sexual issues on your shoulder. It's probably best you left her because if she got you to have sex with her it would have made her feel like now you were on her level and she probably didn't deeply care about you. You will find a good woman who supports you in everything and that's who you need. If someone is trying to put you down they shouldn't be around you too much because people need positivity to accomplish great things not the opposite.

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I'd like to add... don't let anyone tell you that you have a compulsion or that you need therapy because you struggle with someone's past. That's utterly absurd and profoundly biased. It's suggesting that we all think alike and all have identical values. One can only make that conclusion without thinking critically.

Fantastic.

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I think you're lucky to have gotten rid of her. She didn't sound like she was respecting your decision to WTM at all. You don't need a girlfriend like that.

 

Anyways, I don't have a past (sexual past, I mean.) I can't think of anything bad I've done in my past, but let's say I smoked pot a few times (have never touched the stuff in real life) and I was dating a guy who was really anti-drugs. I don't mind if he expressed disappointment in me having tried pot and he can tell me that getting high is bad, etc. But if he lets it drag on, I am dumping him for sure. I should never, ever feel shamed by my boyfriend, nor should he feel shamed by me. He doesn't have to love my past, but he does have to accept it because it's not going away.

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Thanks for the answers everyone.
I was really under the impression that I had did something wrong.
I guess she sort of manipulated my feelings into being that way.

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Hello everyone, I'm new here. I'm a waiter.

I just got out of a relationship with someone who was essentially the girl of my

dreams with everything but her being a virgin. It tore me up inside, I didn't say anything about it for a while in the relationship. But what hurt worse is she would often talk about the guy not being shy, etc, etc. She told me how sex feels etc, etc and I told her numerous times not to talk about that as it hurt me to know her past. And all this happened a year before I met her.

But anyway, I told her one day how I felt bad about it. At first she said that she wished she had known it was gonna be an issue and then became defensive. She told me it was unrealistic to want a virgin woman at the age 20, and sometimes I do actually believe her. But she would tell me things to discourage me and that actually made me feel bad about my decision to wait. She would tell me that I needed therapy for my feelings and she considered it a compulsion,etc,etc. Eventually one day she told me that she was waiting until marriage, then the right guy, and then finally gave up because she thought she wouldn't meet anyone, before me. But what sorta bugged me the most is she would continually pressure me to have sex, she would actually feel bad about me not wanting to do it with her. She would constantly talk about what-if we did this, etc, etc. And looking back at it, I guess I don't need that kind of pressure but she eventually broke up with me saying that what if it becomes too much and I decide to leave her for a virgin? While I was commited to making it work, she has kind of broken me in my beliefs and I'm having a tough time keeping faith I will find another person with the same values as me but now im getting off subject.

I just want to know, would you leave a guy if he was struggling to accept your past but was really trying hard to make things work?

  Hmmm...I don't know. It depends on the ways in which you struggled. But it sounds like she was looking for different things (namely sex) and in the long run I think you're better off. I'm not saying she's not a great girl, I don't know her. But waiting isn't right for everybody and she wasn't willing to wait anymore. I think she may have been making an excuse because she can't handle the relationship and didn't want to feel bad about ending it.

 

Statistically, there are many more girl waiters than boys (glad to see they exist). But if it's that important to you, let me make a suggestion. Go for the girls who stand on the side. The ones who wear glasses and look at the floor. I can't guarantee that a wallflower is a waiter, but chances are they are a virgin (even if not by choice). And if you treat these girls nicely, they'll most likely to be willing to wait. Plus, they've been waiting this long...But really, this kind of seems like a silly thing to do. It makes these girls out like object, and makes virginity into some kind of prize.

 

But honestly, I think part of the problem here is that your ex kept focusing on discussing her sexual past with you, even when you said it made you uncomfortable. I believe that you could date a nonvirgin, provided it was one who was more understanding about your values.

 

I am also suprised to hear that she was the one to end it with you, and not the other way around. If a boy was pressuring me to have sex time and time again, I would get worried that one day he might not listen to me saying no. Granted, it's not the same as a man, but I think you are better off with someone who respects your values.

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I know this is ask the girls but as I have experience in a similar matter ....

What little I do have in this area I'll give my two cents.

No vote from me though!

Hahaha

Wow, that's quite a lot of info for her to explore with you.

It seems as though she may have been comparing you from what it sounds like.

Sorry to say that dude, but unfortunately

As this;

But what hurt worse is she would often talk about the guy not being shy, etc, etc. She told me how sex feels etc, etc

You shouldn't be compared or equated to another person.

We all have strengths, talents and gifts that others don't possess.

That's why I said there's no "perfect match"

Now this;

She told me it was unrealistic to want a virgin woman at the age 20, and sometimes I do actually believe her.

I hope you don't really deep down believe this.

I've met waiters in all age categories, from teens to elderly folks.

And the variety in the ages between the users of this community/site.

We're all over the place!

I hope you'll take what SC said above to heart

This;

There's also a certain strength of character that comes with waiting that I need (not just because I'm a waiter)

Then what Sophie said was great advice

This;

think you're lucky to have gotten rid of her. She didn't sound like she was respecting your decision to WTM at all. You don't need a girlfriend like that.

Both good advice

And from me I'll add as I said I have experience in this area.

Don't let what someone says define you.

Too darn often folks let what someone says define who they are.

Or let themselves be compared to a former lover or bf/gf.

As I said above you are unique, each of us is a unique creation.

We each have gifts, talents, resources and make contributions that no one else on earth can make.

You're a young man and maybe you won't understand this now.

I'm a lil older than you.

Think of the following as big bro advice;

But I say this, find someone who appreciates you for who you are, who accepts you for who you are, who is happy with who you are and challenges you to grow with them not for them.

And most important of all love who you are, don't look for someone to complete you, but to partner with you.

And don't be afraid to love.

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Thats just terrible.I mean u got patience keeping up with all that but the worst is when she said you need therapy ua one lucky guy u did not waste your time with her and realised early enough u had different goals in your relationship

I wouldnt have a big issue with someone past as long as u dont keep on rubbing it in my face and telling me how everything went .As long as am not being pressured to bed with someone am gud .But also the guy shouldnt have slept around with nearly all the female population

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Thanks for the answers everyone.

I was really under the impression that I had did something wrong.

I guess she sort of manipulated my feelings into being that way.

They will do that.

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I just want to know, would you leave a guy if he was struggling to accept your past but was really trying hard to make things work?

 

Your question is complex so I will answer it in two parts.

Would I leave a guy who was struggling to accept my past (since I am, in fact, a nonvirgin)?  Yes.  I really am a great gal and I need someone to be able to accept me for who I am today.  So if someone was struggling with the fact that I am not a virgin, then that would make me feel bad.  He can simply go date a virgin, and I can simply find someone who will love me anyway.  (I am also a waiter, so all this wouldn't necessarily apply to your specific scenario.  Just answering the original poll question.)

 

Would I leave a guy who was struggling to accept my past but was really trying hard to make things work?  Now that is something that would be worth considering.  But in the end, he would have to work through his own preferences and issues and accept me wholly. 

 

XD005, we all will fall in love, It doesn't mean they are the right one.  And when they aren't the right one it doesn't mean your heart won't be shattered.  Hang in there and work through it (like you're doing!)  From the girl you described... well, there's just a whole lot better out there.  Learn the lesson and your future will be brighter.

 

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Your question is complex so I will answer it in two parts.

Would I leave a guy who was struggling to accept my past (since I am, in fact, a nonvirgin)?  Yes.  I really am a great gal and I need someone to be able to accept me for who I am today.  So if someone was struggling with the fact that I am not a virgin, then that would make me feel bad.  He can simply go date a virgin and I can simply find someone who will love me anyway.  (I am also a waiter, so all this wouldn't necessarily apply to your specific scenario.  Just answering the original poll question.)

 

Would I leave a guy who was struggling to accept my past but was really trying hard to make things work?  Now that is something that would be worth considering.  But in the end, he would have to work through his own preferences and issues and accept me wholly. 

 

XD005, we all will fall in love, It doesn't mean they are the right one.  And when they aren't the right one it doesn't mean your heart won't be shattered.  Hang in there and work through it (like you're doing!)  From the girl you described... well, there's just a whole lot better out there.  Learn the lesson and your future will be brighter.

 

Oh yeah, I wouldn't end things solely because a girl was not a virgin. I had told her I would get therapy to deal with the fact that she was not a virgin and she told me that she would rather we break up and THEN I go get therapy and she would consider being with me if nobody else came into the picture, essentially. I didn't see a point in going to therapy exclusively for someone that didn't even really want to be with me that badly as I could just find someone who is waiting. Seems like if someone really cared about you and wanted to be with you, they would say some things to help you instead of always knocking you down and making things WORSE everytime you let them know the way you are feeling. It was all about her feelings, she never tried to understand the pain I was going through. And its funny that I didn't even realize that until I broke up with her. Because to me, there is a diffirence between someone with a lack of morals and someone who has made a mistake. She told me that she wasn't sorry for what she has done and she wouldn't take it back if she could, essentially by telling me she does not regret it continually when I didn't even ask her if she did.

 

But anyway, you guys are right that I don't need someone like that and knowing that is making it much easier to get over her. I hate to discriminate on people who have not waited but I do not think I would be willing to go through this again. lol

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I just want to point out to you this one quote that really inspired me: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be." I hope that was exactly the quote but I think you get the idea. I'm sorry you had to go through that, I really am, and my heart goes out to you.

 

Break-ups are hard and I remember struggling through mine since I invested the most (well, let's not get into that). Anyway, you want to know why this bugs you? The question about her past. Well, it seems your priorities and hers do -- did not match. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I'd like to be real to you.

 

Her being a virgin was more important to you because you understood the gravity of your choice to wait and the seriousness of sex.

 

She did you a favor by leaving you and I think you deserve better. I believe, you deserve someone who be everything you hoped for and more.

 

You will find her, move on and believe you will find that special girl for you one day!! Best and most sincere wishes! Stay strong!

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And please do not feel unrealistic and offended in your belief that you won't find a virgin woman at age 20. I'm pretty close and I have VERY DARN determined to keep it that way until the day I get married so you can be guaranteed that there are others out there for you and others more older than me who are waiters. I know everyone says this but look at this community!

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she would consider being with me if nobody else came into the picture, essentially.

 

There are many women that view 'boys as toys'.

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