Bevanne

New relationship - how to tell him I'm waiting?

13 posts in this topic

Hi girls!

looking for some advice. I'm 27, and have recently started dating a new guy. He seems lovely, but this is the first time I've dated someone outside,my faith (I'm Christian) and I'm pretty sure he's never dated anyone who has wanted to wait before. This is probably going to be new to him! We're approaching date 3, and things are going really well, we seem to have hit it off straight away. I'm nervous about how to tell him, and what to say! This is not a conversation I've ever had to have before! Any advice would be appreciated!! Thanks!

Bevanne

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I can totally sympathize because I've been in this situation a few times before. It's great that you're bringing the subject up around the time of the third date - this is actually when I have chosen to discuss things as well. You know each other well enough that you can see a future to the relationship, but any deeper feelings have not developed yet. The way I approach it is to be completely honest - I explain that I am waiting until marriage and this is something that is very important to me. I tell them that I totally understand if they are not comfortable with being in this sort of a relationship and that there will be no hard feelings if they decide not to continue dating me.

 

Most of the time, the guys have been very understanding - they were quite surprised by the news but took it in their stride. I have only had one really negative reaction, but that particular guy was very immature and honestly I should have predicted the way it would go down! Several times the guys have said 'thanks for telling me but I can't handle this' and so you should be prepared for this outcome. Having said that, I have had a couple of long term relationships so there are definitely men out there who are prepared to wait for you. 

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything goes very well! :) 

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I don't have advice on how to say it, but you need to tell him soon. It's always better to tell someone you're waiting early on in the relationship.

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All I can say is be open, honest and the sooner they know the less complicated it allows things to get: you don't want to start falling for/getting attached to someone who then doesn't want to stick around because they don't share the same values. You also don't want to mislead them allowing them to think you're like the majority who doesn't wait. So just tell him, there's no use dancing around such an important subject and at this point you've got nothing to lose but you do have to be prepared for anything because for some people it's the very last thing they want to hear.

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Its also important to be confident about it. If someone sees that it's something you try to hide or tell them in an almost apologetic way they can try and manipulate you, e.g. pretend to be positive about it for as long as possible while trying to gain your trust, love etc to see if you change your mind.

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As for what to say, I agree with what 29Korea said about being honest but letting them know there's no hard feelings etc

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tell him up front. just say that you're not interested in having sex until after marriage. if he reacts badly then its a red flag. 

 

 

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Yep, be straight about it. If he has any problems with it send him to the curb.

 

Be warned, there are many guys out there who will look at you afterwards as an opportunity to "deflower" a virgin. For some reason a certain set of boys (I refuse to call them men) are obsessed with getting in bed with virgins. He may pretend to be okay with it at first to get your trust. If he pushes or hints towards sex get rid of him ASAP.

 

If he's genuinely okay with it fantastic! Better yet, he may even be a waiter himself. You never know.

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I had a guy respond with "That's good!"  But I just knew he was lying.  Even "bad boys" think waiting is a great idea but will simply side step out of the picture rather than say up front that they are not willing to wait. 

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Yep, be straight about it. If he has any problems with it send him to the curb.

 

Be warned, there are many guys out there who will look at you afterwards as an opportunity to "deflower" a virgin. For some reason a certain set of boys (I refuse to call them men) are obsessed with getting in bed with virgins. He may pretend to be okay with it at first to get your trust. If he pushes or hints towards sex get rid of him ASAP.

 

If he's genuinely okay with it fantastic! Better yet, he may even be a waiter himself. You never know.

 

Oh boy you are spot on.

To make it worse, these guys are expert manipulators. They will play your emotions, you being the violen and them the player of the instrument, but because we are human, you can choose to not allow him to do something like that. Ignore his words that smell of honey but bite like poison. Pay strictly attention to his actions, if he has some masterplan to bed you, he can be in it for the long haul, but the thing is people will break. They usually try to slowly push your boundaries, so the trick is to have boundaries that never change and they will crack pretty fast. ^_^

To get back on topic yes tell him right away and be strong and firm about it.

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Thanks for the advice and support guys! I told him at the end of date 3, and explained that for me it's a decision based on my faith. He was really good about it and said it was totally fine. Hopefully he turns out to be fine with it in the long run! He still wants to carry on seeing me, so we'll soon see! Thanks again for all the advice!

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Hi, 

I know this thread is long dead, but I just wanted to let you all know the end of the story in case anyone ends up reading this thread looking for advice for themselves! The guy I was seeing turned out to be amazing, and throughout the four years we went out he never pushed me to cross any boundary I set. If anything, I was the one who pushed! We made it though, and I walked up the aisle still a virgin! Last month we celebrated our first wedding anniversary! 

It can work out, so if it's a value you hold then don't let anyone tell it cant be done or it's not worth it! That said, I did learn even through waiting that if we had had sex it wouldn't have ruined anything except my expectations of myself. He wasn't a virgin and that was something I had to get my head around and get over the fact that he'd been with other girls, which was harder than I'd thought it would be, and it was super important that I remembered he hadn't done anything wrong towards me. But he was so patient and kind and let me work through my stuff and it was worth it. It's also important to remember that it takes practice to work out what works for you in bed, so if you wait till marriage, be prepared to spend the first year of it working out what you like and how it works best for each of you! That process is a lot of fun, but it also takes patience and kindness and openness, so don't be hard on yourself or your partner if it takes a while!

Good luck to those of you still waiting. It can be done, and it's amazing to know that only one person has ever touched you that way, I treasure that. 

xx

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On 10/05/2018 at 4:57 PM, Bevanne said:

Hi, 

I know this thread is long dead, but I just wanted to let you all know the end of the story in case anyone ends up reading this thread looking for advice for themselves! The guy I was seeing turned out to be amazing, and throughout the four years we went out he never pushed me to cross any boundary I set. If anything, I was the one who pushed! We made it though, and I walked up the aisle still a virgin! Last month we celebrated our first wedding anniversary! 

It can work out, so if it's a value you hold then don't let anyone tell it cant be done or it's not worth it! That said, I did learn even through waiting that if we had had sex it wouldn't have ruined anything except my expectations of myself. He wasn't a virgin and that was something I had to get my head around and get over the fact that he'd been with other girls, which was harder than I'd thought it would be, and it was super important that I remembered he hadn't done anything wrong towards me. But he was so patient and kind and let me work through my stuff and it was worth it. It's also important to remember that it takes practice to work out what works for you in bed, so if you wait till marriage, be prepared to spend the first year of it working out what you like and how it works best for each of you! That process is a lot of fun, but it also takes patience and kindness and openness, so don't be hard on yourself or your partner if it takes a while!

Good luck to those of you still waiting. It can be done, and it's amazing to know that only one person has ever touched you that way, I treasure that. 

xx

This is amazing! Congratulations on the anniversary! 

I've been finding it hard lately to be a waiter. Not because of temptation (I'm hopelessly single) but because no one else values it. Sex is something that is expected of you and I feel looked down upon because I don't  choose to do it. I just feel really down about it all and feel like maybe this isn't realistic. I'm happy about my choice, I couldn't be any other way, but it's hard when you're in a sea of people who treat sex like a handshake. Hearing your story gives me hope that maybe I could be wrong.  I appreciate you sharing, thank you. I hope you have many more happy years of marriage. And it is definitely something to treasure. 

- Jess 

xx

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