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jaegerpants

Different 'levels'

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This is kind of focused on the "three levels of sexual abstinence" pyramid ... Level 1 = no dating at all, Level 2 = holding hands & kissing only; Level 3 = "everything but sex". Maybe it should go as a comment there? Although the forum seems more active right now. Anyway -

I'm pretty comfortable in "Level 2". My girlfriend (of 4 months now! woohoo!) is comfortable in "Level 3". We've talked about this, trying very hard to avoid any "you're wrong" language... but it's tough to find limits that leave both of us feeling happy and respected. (We're already a little past "Level 2" because she apparently felt horribly hurt & rejected when I wasn't instantly positive about the idea of staying the night to cuddle her in bed (pants on!). Giving in on that made her feel better, but I felt compromised - still do.)

Any ideas on how to work this out? Or is it just that we're being foolish to "date outside our level"?

http://waitingtillmarriage.org/the-3-le ... bstinence/

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Hey jeagerpants,

That's a difficult conflict, but still resolveable I think. It's also about more than just physical desire. You both have slightly different definitions of what constitutes fulfilling physical intimacy. You may be able to feel totally close and intimate with her just by holing hands and kissing. For her, she may need to go further to get the emotional connection she expects.

When you pull away, you're effectively blue-balling her physically and emotionally. Of the two, the emotional blue ball is what can often cause the most problems. Plus, since she's a female and stigmatized against being *too* sexual, there's a risk of her feeling ashamed for wanting more physical connection with you when you pull away. So you both end up feeling guilty in that respect.

Step one: Ask her whether her frustration comes primarily from not feeling sexually fulfilled enough, or not feeling emotionally fulfilled/physically intimate enough.

If it's pure sexual fulfillment that's the issue, then you might a have a tricky situation here.

If it's emotional fulfillment, lack of closeness, and lack of physical intimacy that's causing her frustration, then you're in luck because there are lot's of things you can do to compensate that won't compromise your commitment to Level 2 in any way that matters.

Even if she says it's just a sexual thing, stepping it up on the "emotionally affectionate but still in your range" front still might help.

Also just for what it's worth: As the author of that Pyramid, I would have placed "cuddling all night" in Level 2. I define anything that is incapable of leading to orgasm as Level 2.

Cuddling is one of those things that you can easily crank up to make her feel more physically intimate with you, and it's basically just extremely affectionate hugging.

But, on a personal note, make sure you don't fall asleep if you're cuddling her at her parent's house. That was a bad morning in my life.

Hope this helps. I've been in the exact same situation on both sides (I've been a level above and a level below a girl), so I definitely feel for you and her. Good luck. You're both already so close in values --- that's a rare find in itself.

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Thanks for sharing! I dated a guy in the fall and he spent the night and it was really nice-as soon as I turned on my side to fall asleep he wanted to cuddle =) As a girl, I'd say that's really important--Mike is right, that something as simple as cuddling makes a big difference. It makes me at least feel 'close' without being overtly sexual. The problem was though, since he spent the night, we would get into make out sessions and I got a little too adventurous/comfortable and was okay with his hand on my butt while I was making out on top of him. (Probably not a good idea =P) But, no clothes came off so that was good, although one other time my shirt did come off. =/ So, I understand how you are worried about cuddling, but maybe try cuddling together and taking a nap in the afternoon, or watching a movie, etc. I feel like the whole bed thing isn't a good idea for me.

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Here's another idea-you can do massages for each other but keep it strictly shoulders/back. Hopefully it doesn't become an issue of going to other places, but that can be really relaxing and intimate as well.

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