LookingForTheOne

If you and your SO disagree on WTM, what do you do and how?

14 posts in this topic

Just a hypothetical...it does not apply to me right now.

 

Say you want to explain your celibacy to your significant other, who does not want to wait until marriage. Or you've discovered that your partner isn't waiting or isn't a virgin, and you want to end the relationship. Or you've simply decided to break the ice because you haven't talked about it but feel that the time has come to do so. How do you go about that? What do you say and how do you broach the topic?

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Well you either discuss the WTM ideals early on in the relationship so as not to lead them on, or wait until the "sex talk" that every relationship has at some point. If they don't want to wait, and you don't feel like you can convince them, then I guess you would have to break it off. The way you would go about telling them, is just flat out telling them.

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Yes, you let them know early on of your waiting.

 

And if she doesn't like it, she can take a hike.

 

Simple.

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Talk about this very, very early. If you wait it will be more difficult to handle for you and her.

 

One thing I heard someone say on this forum... maybe it was LonelyKnight... but something to the effect of asking her what her opinion on 'waiting until marriage' is. This would be one way to get a better grip on where she stands on this issue, etc.

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I doubt this will be a problem for me. I believe in being friends with a girl first before considering dating her. That way I'll get a sense of where she stands on faith and WTM. If she doesn't then I just won't date her.

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I agree with Vince.... this is something you discuss before dating. At least, that's the approach I would personally take.

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Well it depends how much you reveal while being friends, my friend of 13 years doesn't know I'm a waiter, only one of my friends knows.

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Well, as I would want to continue waiting whether someone liked it or not, I guess my hypothetical boyfriend would have to either choose to wait with me or else leave me. Hopefully he would choose to stay, but if he wasn't willing to wait for me, he doesn't really seem like someone who would have made a good husband anyway.

 

As for when and how to bring the subject up, so far I have found it pretty easy to slip it casually into an existing conversation. Most recently I did this by mentioning something about how I enjoy participating on the forums of this website, which I described as "a community supporting people who are waiting until marriage for, uh, sex," before quickly changing the subject. Several minutes later, my date found a way to mention in passing how he was raised to value "purity, like, uh, what you were saying earlier." In my experience, a very casual reference to how I am waiting until marriage for sex always seems to do the trick. But I do not stress out too much about doing this immediately; I look for a place where I can insert the statement fairly naturally, normally within the first several dates. Even if I waited longer to mention it, I would in no way feel that I am leading a guy on; despite what society is currently preaching, a guy is most certainly not entitled to sex with me simply because we are dating, and if he believes he is, I will be sure to disabuse him of that notion posthaste. My husband has a right to have sex with me; my boyfriend does not.

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Totally agree with being good enough friends first before dating to know their views on waiting until marriage so it's not as difficult to deal with. However, like Josh, there are just some people who are really private about those things. Not a bad thing :)

 

It's not rocket science. I'd just be straight up. "How do you feel about waiting until marriage?" something to that effect. No use in being shy or indirect about it, haha. If we had already been dating for awhile, and his response is "OMG LOL NO THATS SO DUMDUM," I'm doing us both a favor when I break up with him. Though if he seemed iffy about it, I would consider his feelings and explain mine. If he didnt consider mine, doing another favor. If a guy isn't going to be considerate or willing to compromise in general, like WW said, not someone you want to maintain a serious relationship with. Easier said than done, I know!

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Another thing I'd like to include in this discussion:

 

The reality that we don't have endless time.

 

If you don't bring it up early and date a long time and then finally bring it up and the relationship dissolves as a result, you've wasted your time and you've also wasted the time of the person you're dating with. And that's not fair.

 

Bring it up early. Definitely.

 

I'd even argue you can't bring it up too early. The earlier the better. Time is finite!

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If one person doesn't want to wait, and cannot be convinced to, then the relationship just won't work. I don't see any way around it unless one of the people in the couple changed their views. If one person is demanding sex in the relationship and won't be given it, then they will break up with you (or cheat on you, I suppose). If I met someone who didn't want to wait I would explain why I feel it is important to and try to convince her to wait, but if she refused, then things wouldn't work out.

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Just the other day I was writing down the qualities I desire in a spouse. I noticed that those desires reflect who I am and what I want to be. What makes a couple compatible is when they share the same morals, values, personality characteristics, and goals.  

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Personally, if they are not willing to wait then I would see no point in continuing the relationship - I have waited 29 years and one person is not going to change my mind! 

 

Another thing I'd like to include in this discussion:

 

The reality that we don't have endless time.

 

If you don't bring it up early and date a long time and then finally bring it up and the relationship dissolves as a result, you've wasted your time and you've also wasted the time of the person you're dating with. And that's not fair.

 

Bring it up early. Definitely.

 

I'd even argue you can't bring it up too early. The earlier the better. Time is finite!

 

 

I completely agree with this advice. I usually have The Conversation by the third date at the latest - leaving it any longer is unfair for both you and the person you are dating. This way you can gauge their opinion on the subject without getting too emotionally involved. 

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If he doesn't agree with it or is already Waiting after discussing it and learning to stay within the boundaries then I don't see the relationship continuing.

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