shaneb

Virgin Worship

3 posts in this topic

I'm not someone who is super active in this community.  However in the last few weeks I have been checking in a lot more.  One of the things that concerns me is what I will call "virgin worship."  There seems to be a huge stress on the idea of virginity and being a virgin.  Now some of you are probably thinking "Duh, of course there is going to be stress on the idea of being a virgin.  This is a community that is dedicated to WTM!"  And yes, it does make sense that virginity would be highly valued here because a person who is a virgin is one who has been faithful to the commitment to wait until marriage.  However my concern comes from that fact that I think that WTM is so much more than simply being concerned about virginity and I'm concerned about those who are not virgins and how they can engage the idea of WTM.

 

First, I want to point out that I think some of the "virgin worship" here is simply a counter-reaction to the world's treatment of virgins.  Often in our culture, older virgins are seen as undesirable or losers.  Younger virgins are seen as immature or inexperienced.  Virginity is laughed at and people  are often made to feel embarrassed for being a  virgin.  So it makes sense to me that on this site people would seek to reverse that negative image and celebrate their virginity.  And for the most part I think that is a great thing and I hope that people will continue to celebrate rather than feel shame about the fact that they are virgins. 

 

What concerns me is when that celebration results in marginalizing non-virgins.  This especially bothers me because not all people are virgins by choice.  Some people due to abuse or rape are no longer virgins.  Others made decisions in thier past that they wish didn't happen but they did.  I would hate for these individuals to feel like second-class citizens in our community.  I don't want these people to feel like damaged goods or undesirable. 

 

I believe in WTM because I believe that the commitment of marriage is the proper context for the bond that is formed when two people have sex.  The promises made in marriage provide the stability to nurture and sustain the bond formed.  WTM respects the power of sex and places it in a context which I believe is the most healthy. 

 

Therefore to me WTM is not about protecting your virginity but rather about putting sex in its proper place.  Now if you are someone who has never had sex before then putting sex in its proper place will amount to protecting your viriginity.  But if you are not a virgin, you are not prevented from fully engaging with WTM.  You still have the choice now to live in a way that values sex and honours the bonds it creates. 

 

It is my challenge to all of us that we fully support each other in our endeavours to wait until marriage.  And that our focus would be about that rather then on the fact that we are virgins or non-virgins. 

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I know that in many cases, there are people who feel strongly that they want to be with someone who is in the same position as they are - ie... full wait - and for those people, being with someone who also is a virgin is a particularly important consideration.   And I respect those people for their conviction and their beliefs-in-action.

 

As well, there are people here who feel strongly about waiting - and center a relationship's value on waiting and commitment, regardless of their individual status or the person they marry (as to whether virgin or not).  I myself was one of these - a virgin who married a non-virgin... who in turn wanted to wait and did.

 

So Shane, I just wanted to agree with your point of openness to circumstances and individual values & preferences around "waiting till marriage" as a bit distinct from our personal beliefs about the type of person we ultimately marry.  

 

I will make time for literally anyone who professes a desire to wait - regardless of whether they have waited completely, waited for full sexual relationship but not waited on some things, not waited by a choice they once made, or not waited for circumstances beyond them.  

 

Waiting to me is what is important - so I celebrate all of you who say waiting in whatever form is important to you, and voice yourself as such in the forums.  In the meantime, I also respect, support and encourage everyone to decide for themselves what's important about the person they want to marry...  and then to react in the moment with that person when he or she is in front of you...   from that point forward, put the value on waiting together :-).

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The thing is that this site is first and foremost created to promote waiting till marriage. It is not a virgin exclusive club. Waiting is for both virgins and non-virgins alike no matter what your past. Even if you're not a virgin it is never too late to start all over. We have members here who only want to be with another virgin and that's fine. But we never want to make our non-virgin brethren feel ostracized. They are just as much part of this family as anyone else. Them recommitting themselves to waiting ought to be admired.

 

We've all be the target of ridicule by society for our choice to wait, sometimes in very harsh ways. But that's not an excuse to channel our bitterness by doing the same in reverse. It doesn't make us any better than them. We are all supposed to be united in our common goal and to encourage each other to push forward in our journey to wait.

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