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Nicolalea93

It's getting rreaaalllyyyy hard to wait!!

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Hi All,

 

I just joined the site because I've recently found it nearly impossible to wait for marriage any longer.  My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and have yet to have sex (we're both virgins also). We decided together when we first started going out (his initial idea, actually) that we should wait until we were married.  It's always been a struggle for him, but one he's willing to make, but for me it hasn't been too difficult; until the last 6 months or so.  Just before I turned 20 I started to find it harder and harder to wait, and the other night while having a make-out session I felt like I just couldn't wait any longer.  I feel ready, emotionally and physically, but spiritually I know I really should wait.  I don't have a purity ring and never took a pledge, for this very reason, but I really want to wait as long as I can (preferably until we're married).  The thing is we won't be married for another year and a half at the very earliest (he hasn't yet proposed, but we've discussed it).  Any advice on how to curb the desire?  I'm so conflicted and just need to support on suggestions on how to wait as long as possible.  

 

Thanks so much!

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If you've been together for 4 years, why not get married now? What will you gain by waiting more time? Certainly you and him know what's best and I'm not telling you what to do. But just putting that out there.

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Yes I agree with IAG, but I suppose there are practical reasons maybe why you can't get married just yet?

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I'll try and give some suggestions that may or may not be helpful. Just remind yourself that you don't need sex to live. It is tempting and desirable, but you ultimately don't actually need it to live. Also, try and remind yourself why you want to wait until marriage. Maybe sex right now would be fun, but if you really want to wait, think of how much better it will be knowing you waited like you wanted to. Also, keep in mind that there is no guarantee you will marry this guy. I know you said you have dated for a while and it seems like marriage is on the horizon, but it is no guarantee. I know someone who dated his girlfriend even longer than you have been dating and who talked about what marriage would be like with her and they ended up breaking up. So, if you really want to have only one partner, keep in mind that it is probably safer to wait until you are married. Lastly, if "make-out sessions" really tempt you, maybe stay away from them, at least for a little while.

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See, we've talked about it, believe me, but we're both college students, he's studying physics and math, I'm studying biochemistry and math, and he works at Target I'm a tutor/instructor for a high school program.  With our school schedules and everything we couldn't realistically afford to live on our own.  Plus, health care.  I've had some major health problems in the past that could potentially resurface, so we need a good healthcare plan in case that happens again, which, part time Target checkers and tutors don't have. :P  We'd really like to get married once he has a career established, which should be after he gets his bachelors. (I'm pursuing graduate school which will be another 4 years after we get our bachelors, so it's his career that's going to determine when we get married).  So, yes.  :P

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See, we've talked about it, believe me, but we're both college students, he's studying physics and math, I'm studying biochemistry and math, and he works at Target I'm a tutor/instructor for a high school program.  With our school schedules and everything we couldn't realistically afford to live on our own.  Plus, health care.  I've had some major health problems in the past that could potentially resurface, so we need a good healthcare plan in case that happens again, which, part time Target checkers and tutors don't have. :P  We'd really like to get married once he has a career established, which should be after he gets his bachelors. (I'm pursuing graduate school which will be another 4 years after we get our bachelors, so it's his career that's going to determine when we get married).  So, yes.  :P

Also, keep in mind how young 20 is. I'm not saying you won't end up with this guy, because you might, but 20 is really young to be married. I'm not totally against young marriage in every case, and once you both finish college and have been together for many years maybe it really will be one of those cases where it does make sense, but I'd just say tread carefully.

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Also, keep in mind how young 20 is. I'm not saying you won't end up with this guy, because you might, but 20 is really young to be married. I'm not totally against young marriage in every case, and once you both finish college and have been together for many years maybe it really will be one of those cases where it does make sense, but I'd just say tread carefully.

 

Just to play devil's advocate... 20 is really young to marry according to who and what standards? Who makes these rules? Are they justified? Maybe they are, but any such statement should be scrutinized... particularly if it's the result of a cultural norm as opposed to critical thinking. As you know... culture doesn't always get things right.

 

No matter how careful you are, no marriage is without tons of theoretical risk. And, ultimately, marriage contains a lot of sacrifice. So the notion that if you do things a certain way such as "date for this length of time" or "wait until this age, etc." that somehow this means the marriage will be perfect seems to be wishful thinking to me. 

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Think about how great it would be if you two did marry as virgins. I can only imagine how special the wedding night (honeymoon day) would be for you two. I see it like this.. When things get harder, something great is waiting on the other side. So try to think of the future how special things would be and override the pleasure it would be in a moment now. Would regrets be worth it? And ya never truely know who your husband will be until the "I Do's". If you decide to wait you will need to set boundaries for you AND him. Talk with him about what makes things the hardest that you do and vice versa so you won't get to that point and make rash decisions in the heat of things. Hope this is good advice for you.

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Waiting isn't for everyone, if you don't want to wait, don't. But if you do, but can resist the temptation, don't make out as heavily, don't be alone in the same room for very long, and don't do activities that make it too tempting!

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I'm kind of in the same position as you. I too have a boyfriend which I am waiting to marry until after college and when he finds a better job. I really don't know what advice to give you though since we are both fairly borderline asexual and we are perfectly fine without sex to the point that sometimes I wonder if waiting for marriage is really much of a choice since we are perfectly fine being sexless and attempting would have it would feel contrived. 

 

Focus on other stuff, find other fun things to do together. Just be busy to keep your mind off of it. That's what I do whenever I get really frustrated not because of sex, but because I want to marry him and be with him forever. 

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Just to play devil's advocate... 20 is really young to marry according to who and what standards? Who makes these rules? Are they justified? Maybe they are, but any such statement should be scrutinized... particularly if it's the result of a cultural norm as opposed to critical thinking. As you know... culture doesn't always get things right.

 

No matter how careful you are, no marriage is without tons of theoretical risk. And, ultimately, marriage contains a lot of sacrifice. So the notion that if you do things a certain way such as "date for this length of time" or "wait until this age, etc." that somehow this means the marriage will be perfect seems to be wishful thinking to me. 

I base my opinion off of statisitcs and personal observations. I've read articles and studies and they tend to indicate that people who marry young are more likely to divorce than those who marry at an older age. In terms of my own observations, most young people I know seem way too immature, or at the very least, just not ready for marriage. Also, many (probably most) people change quite a bit between 18 and, say, 25. The type of person an 18 year old thinks they would want to be with forever is probably different than the type of person they see themselves wanting to be with forever when they are 25. Additionally, I've seen people in my own life who married young and either divorced or just don't seem like they're that good of a fit with their spouse.

 

All this being said, I don't think young marriages necessarily won't work. They can. Honestly, if finances weren't an issue (and if I had a girlfriend) I think I might be someone who could handle a young marriage. (Of course, I think for at least some people there is something to be said about experiencing being a single adult, even if you could handle marriage). I just think, in general, young marriage tends to not be a good decision.

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I've read articles and studies and they tend to indicate that people who marry young are more likely to divorce than those who marry at an older age. 

 

I wonder, on average, what their reason for marrying so young was. I also wonder if they were waiters. Because if, for example, two people get married young as a result of pregnancy then it's not so shocking that they later got divorced.

 

 

Also, many (probably most) people change quite a bit between 18 and, say, 25. The type of person an 18 year old thinks they would want to be with forever is probably different than the type of person they see themselves wanting to be with forever when they are 25. Additionally, I've seen people in my own life who married young and either divorced or just don't seem like they're that good of a fit with their spouse.

 

 

I'm not sure most people change that much between 18 and 25. You could make the same argument just as strongly that people change quite a bit between 25 and 30 or 30 and 40, etc. The whole thing about marriage is, as I think you have said, people are more likely to work at the relationship than break it off which could be the case when two people aren't married but only girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

I'm not that impressed by the occasions you've witnessed of people marrying young and then divorcing simply because the divorce rate in the U.S. is around 50%, so I could then argue that a huge number of people get divorced anyways whether young or old. And perhaps when two waiters come together in marriage the divorce rate is even smaller, whether young or old. Or, alternatively, two people, whether young or old, who haven't slept with anyone else but then get married.

 

I really have no idea whether it's smart or foolish for people to get married very young. However, I wouldn't consider 22 - 25 very young to get married. Furthermore, I think it comes down to the individual and them knowing what's best for them.

 

All that being said, there is another side of not getting married young: Having to wait longer for sex which can lead to giving into the temptation of sex before finding the one to marry which can lead to a whole slew of problems itself.

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I wonder, on average, what their reason for marrying so young was. I also wonder if they were waiters. Because if, for example, two people get married young as a result of pregnancy then it's not so shocking that they later got divorced.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not that impressed by the occasions you've witnessed of people marrying young and then divorcing simply because the divorce rate in the U.S. is around 50%, so I could then argue that a huge number of people get divorced anyways whether young or old. And perhaps when two waiters come together in marriage the divorce rate is even smaller, whether young or old. Or, alternatively, two people, whether young or old, who haven't slept with anyone else but then get married.

 

To say it doesn't matter if the divorce rate is higher for younger couple doesn't matter because it's around 50% (assuming that is the right figure, but that's another story) anyway does not make sense. It assumes that it is 50% no matter what and that is not true. There are general trends in which, statistically, divorce is more likely in certain situations than in others. One of the situations that it is more likely is among people who marry young. One of the situations in which it is less likely is among people who married older (around mid-20s and up) and were college graduates.

 

 

I really have no idea whether it's smart or foolish for people to get married very young. However, I wouldn't consider 22 - 25 very young to get married. Furthermore, I think it comes down to the individual and them knowing what's best for them.

It definitely ultimately comes down to the individual. In general, though, I think young marriage is something to be wary of. But, as I've always said, there will certainly be situations where it will work.

 

 

 

 

All that being said, there is another side of not getting married young: Having to wait longer for sex which can lead to giving into the temptation of sex before finding the one to marry which can lead to a whole slew of problems itself.

That's where self-control comes into play. I really don't think not having to wait any longer should be a huge motivator to get married. It's definitely something to look forward to, but I don't think it should really play into deciding whether to get married now or later.

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To say it doesn't matter if the divorce rate is higher for younger couple doesn't matter because it's around 50% (assuming that is the right figure, but that's another story) anyway does not make sense. It assumes that it is 50% no matter what and that is not true. There are general trends in which, statistically, divorce is more likely in certain situations than in others. One of the situations that it is more likely is among people who marry young. One of the situations in which it is less likely is among people who married older (around mid-20s and up) and were college graduates.

 

 

Firstly, I never said that. Don't put words in my mouth. My point is that if there is a high divorce rate among all people then it's not surprising if it's also consistent with people who marry young. Whether it's higher for younger people depends on the reliability of the statistics you examined which very well could be suspect. Your observation is on a small pool of people so that's not going to amount to much.

 

You're right. The 50% may be suspect just as the stats you read may be utterly unreliable. It's a well known fact that statistics are often unreliable for a whole host of reasons which I won't get into. It's also difficult to prove a point with your stats unless I know more about them. For example, if the stats were among young religious people compared to young secular people, your results may differ significantly.

 

 

 

That's where self-control comes into play. I really don't think not having to wait any longer should be a huge motivator to get married. It's definitely something to look forward to, but I don't think it should really play into deciding whether to get married now or later.

 

I see lots of reasons to get married and not just one. If two people are in a relationship and it's important for them to wait until marriage and they have been together for a long time, I can see this as one legitimate reason among many to get married instead of putting it off.

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Firstly, I never said that. Don't put words in my mouth. My point is that if there is a high divorce rate among all people then it's not surprising if it's also consistent with people who marry young. Whether it's higher for younger people depends on the reliability of the statistics you examined which very well could be suspect. Your observation is on a small pool of people so that's not going to amount to much.

You didn't say exactly that, but you did say it was "unimpressive." It's not a farcry to relate that to saying it doesn't really matter. Anyway, it doesn't change my view that it doesn't really make sense to think that way. Also, I suppose you could be suspicious of the stats, but it seems odd to me to do so when multiple articles and studies cite it. While my own observations are based on a comparatively small pool, studies' pools aren't (unless it's a poor study. I doubt they're all poor). I don't see any reason to assume they are unreliable unless you have evidence to the contrary or have done a study of your own that proves the contrary. When what I see in my own personal life tends to jive with what statisitcs say, I, very reasonably, take heed of the general message. Why wouldn't I?

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hey there! I'm in an almost identical situation as you  ^_^ I've also been with my girlfriend for over 4 years now, and it will take another 2-3 years to be able to get married. I know it's hard to wait, and it can get more and more frustrating over time. But I would invite you to just take some time to think about how you really feel about your commitment to wait. This is a common strategy that I've heard before, but it can be useful to identify and contemplate on the reasons behind your agreeing to wait. Maybe you can talk to your boyfriend why he finds it to be so important, and see if you can agree with his ideas. So in a nutshell, think about it by yourself and/or talk to your boyfriend. And don't forget that we're always here to support you. Good luck  :)

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 borderline asexual

LOL! I'm pretty much on the same level. Though we do have trouble keeping ourselves from fooling around. But doing the real deed is a big NO NO, as forbidden as Area 51

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LOL! I'm pretty much on the same level. Though we do have trouble keeping ourselves from fooling around. But doing the real deed is a big NO NO, as forbidden as Area 51

 

We don't even have any desire to fool around at all though, like, if we do, it would be very contrived and were just doing it because others say we must. It's just like, on the bottom of our priorities anyways. 

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We don't even have any desire to fool around at all though, like, if we do, it would be very contrived and were just doing it because others say we must. It's just like, on the bottom of our priorities anyways. 

That's good! I guess our sex drives are a bit more strong than yours, unfortunately

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yeah, what frustrates me is how society says that low sex drives are bad, yet I really don't know why since we are perfectly happy and it feels like they want us to feel incomplete or something

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You didn't say exactly that, but you did say it was "unimpressive." It's not a farcry to relate that to saying it doesn't really matter. Anyway, it doesn't change my view that it doesn't really make sense to think that way. Also, I suppose you could be suspicious of the stats, but it seems odd to me to do so when multiple articles and studies cite it. While my own observations are based on a comparatively small pool, studies' pools aren't (unless it's a poor study. I doubt they're all poor). I don't see any reason to assume they are unreliable unless you have evidence to the contrary or have done a study of your own that proves the contrary. When what I see in my own personal life tends to jive with what statisitcs say, I, very reasonably, take heed of the general message. Why wouldn't I?

 

You expressed suspicion on the near 50% divorce rate that are based on statistics (I assume), so it's interesting how you seem to feel that your stats don't deserve the same suspicion. Are you saying the near 50% divorce rate is not the result of multiple articles and studies too? Yeah, I didn't exactly say that and I also didn't say I necessarily believed the stats you speak of. 

 

I said people you've seen that are young and got divorced is a small pool. I didn't say anything else regarding that.

 

And my other point stands. I would bet that there would be a difference in the results of the stats between young secular couples and young religious couples. I only bring up this point to underscore how it's hard to make a blanket statement about this.

 

All that said... I'm not advocating or discouraging young couples from getting married or not. While I do consider 18 to 21 young to get married; I don't consider 22 to 25 young to get married. For those who have no plan on getting married until much later in life I can see how 22 to 25 would come off as young. But for those who don't want to constantly date, I can see it as a rather legitimate age range.

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You expressed suspicion on the near 50% divorce rate that are based on statistics (I assume), so it's interesting how you seem to feel that your stats don't deserve the same suspicion. Are you saying the near 50% divorce rate is not the result of multiple articles and studies too?

The difference is that I've seen studies and articles that question whether 50% is accurate. I haven't really seen much to support that young marriages are just as likely to last as ones that occurred when the partners were older.

 

As far as religion goes, perhaps it makes a difference. It depends on what you mean by religious, as well. Officially, a large majority of Americans are religious. But, that doesn't necessarily mean they are dedicated to their religion. Maybe, perhaps, a strict young evangelical Christian would marry young and never divorce. But, there are probably comparatively very few young people who are like that, which would support my belief that, in general, young marriage is something that is less likely to work.

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Totally feel you! I am recently engaged to a guy I've dated for almost 5 years and yes, it has gotten harder to wait with time. Think about why you want to wait and constantly talk about it, too! Sometimes it's not reasons you initially decided to wait, but it also can be the good things that you know will come out of waiting. For us, it's been more the latter because it reminds us why it means a lot to us.

 

A lot of people have also asked us why we didn't get married sooner and education was a huge factor. I was in grad school about 6.5/7 hours away and it was important to me to get my degree before pursuing marriage. I also wanted to move back home to save money and it doesn't hurt that we now only live 2 hours apart! One of the most important things I've learned lately is that if waiting is something you truly want to do, you make it happen!

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