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Ladies, would you lie to spare a BF's feelings?

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I just need an honest woman's answer on this. Would you lie to spare your boyfriend's feelings? I'm kind of afraid my girlfriend is lieing about past sexual history so as not to upset me. I've assured her that dishonesty would upset me more than anything, but she still says she hasn't done anything with her old boyfriends.

 

I'll be upfront and say I have trust issues. She hasn't done anything I know of to warrant such a reaction; I'm just naturally that way. Would she continue to lie even after reassured I wouldn't be angry?

 

I've read stories where women have told their men for years that they're virgins, and then after the marriage is consummated confess they had lied all those years. I don't want that to happen to me. 

 

Your thoughts?

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We're all robots except for you. You are actually nothing more than an alien experiment, using a once empty planet capable of sustaining life as the lab. When you're not around everyone else just shuts down to preserve battery power. Prove me wrong.

You've only got 2 options, accept the reality she's presenting you. Or live in mistrust of the girl you might be spending the rest of your life with. Memento Mori, we are not perfect.

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I believe if she would lie about this even after you explained to her it's really important to you, then she probably has some other serious character flaws. What is she like overall? That, to me, would be the best indicator of the likelihood of whether or not she is lying. Is it bullet proof? No. But, at least in theory, you can't ever know anything with absolute certainty. So just do the best you can and then let it go. Again, if she would lie about this then I would assume there are other issues with her character. Serious ones.

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If you can't trust her on that, then you need some serious reconsideration about your relationship with her, trust is key.

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I like how three guys have responded to this "Ask the Girl's" question. In all seriousness, if you don't mind another guy response, feel free to read on.

 

This is also a bit of a concern of mine and I have also posed this question to the forum before. Ultimately, you do need to trust your partner. I think I would have a little trouble trusting her resonse, though. So, it may be something I need to work on. Honestly, I would probably ask her early on in the relationship and then ask her again later in the relationship, thinking that maybe she would not be deceitful a second time and that maybe she would be at the point where she thinks I wouldn't break up with her for not being one. Of course, it could also backfire, and she may feel more attached to me and more likely to lie.

 

Nonetheless, as guy, there may, and I stress may, be a way to figure out on the wedding night. Without getting too graphic, there are possible signs of a woman's virginity. Of course, that's not a sure way to tell, as there are other ways a woman could have lost that. Still, that doesn't help much as the deed has already been done. It would not be a fun situation to have to sort out. I have a pretty good idea of how I would respond to that situation and it wouldn't be very pleasant at all.

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I think you all are right. I talked to her again about it, and she is sticking to it so I think I'm going to trust her. I've assured her if there was something to tell and she told me all would be forgiven. It's the truth though, I love her enough if she told me now I don't think I'd care. I'm just afraid of finding out later down the line when I've got this mental image of she and I together as the first for both of us. Right now I can let bygones be bygones, years down the line or even after marriage? I think I'd be so crushed I couldn't stand to see her.

 

wny I know the way to tell you're talking about. I read somewhere it's like 65% of women on their first time actually don't have that happen due to the reasons you stated so I'm not going to put much stock in it.

 

I think I'll trust her. Heck, if she has done something and I never do find out, I guess that's about as good as if nothing ever happened. You know what I mean? What I don't know can't hurt me.

 

I... think I feel better about this all now. There are some deeper clues that when put in my rationale makes me think she is lying, but I think a lot of that is a bit personal to put on the internet.  Unless she still believes I'd be mad she has no reason to lie, so I'll assume she isn't.

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I agree with everyone else pretty much. Also -- the fact that she hasn't gotten upset or overreactive to your asking the same question again and again is a good indicator she is telling the truth and wants to/ is be patient enough to reassure you the absolute truth :) please do trust her, she deserves it, until she gives you reason not to!

 

Hope this helped. All the best! :)

 

Edit -- I wouldnt lie about something like that. I would not want to base a relationship upon that kind of lie. I might lightly fib that he has a wonderful, effective golf swing when he needs help or something like that... actually I would probably end up just teaching him :P

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Yet another male response. I'm beginning to think the girls are too afraid to answer :)

 

This is definitely a much bigger problem among girls than guys. I guess it's because of the double standard that a girl's virginity is held in higher regard than a guy's. A lot of girls do this because they feel like they would fall short of a guy's standards and just lie because they don't want to lose the love of their life. But honestly, I think this is pretty rare. I mean the key thing is to look for red flags during the relationship that could be a sign for personality flaws in general. The fact is that trust is something that has to be present in a healthy relationship. The nature of trust is being willing to be vulnerable with the other person fully knowing they could betray you at any time. There is no 100% guarantee they won't but in the end it comes down to whether they give you a reason to distrust them or not. 

 

Personally, I don't think it will be a problem with me since I'll make it clear that her sexual status won't change the way I feel about her. Sure I'll be really hurt at first but it's more about her attitude towards sex and waiting that I care about. If she regrets it and is dedicated to waiting then it's all good.

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This isn't something I would lie about, but there will always be people that will lie about things like this. I would say give her the benefit of the doubt, unless there have been things that she has lied about in the past that you found out about. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so if she has lied before then I would say you are justified in your mistrust. If that isn't the case then you should accept her answer. If she is lying its possible that she would continue to lie despite your reassurance that you won't be mad if she has seen you react poorly when you said that before. Ultimately people can lie about anything and usually only time will tell you what they lie about it, so if you love her you just need to take a leap of faith.

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I agree with some of the other responses in that, if you have never caught her in a lie before, you have no real reason to suspect her this time, especially if she has shared other personal things with you and made herself vulnerable. In that case, be careful not to continually ask her about this, or else you will likely push her away. I know I would be hurt if I kept telling my boyfriend the truth and he kept doubting me. But if she has lied to you in the past, or you have seen her lie to others, then I would question her honesty about the whole relationship, not just this.

 

Do you think that you would have trouble believing any woman you met who told you she was a virgin and waiting, or do you think your mistrust is specific to this particular woman?

 

As to whether I would lie in this situation, I do not believe I would. My actual situation is not as extreme as this one, but I have recently started dating a guy who has never kissed before, whereas I have kissed two guys, quite passionately. I know that it will bother him to learn about how far I have gone physically, as he has never dated a girl before me, and as he is very concerned about purity; he seems the type who might even want to save his first kiss for his wedding. But when he asks me, if he asks me, I will tell him the truth; even if he never asks, I will try to find a gentle way to bring it up in conversation soon, so as to not lie by omission. I do not look forward to this conversation; I expect it will make him unhappy and me embarrassed, and it could possibly lead to him ending things, but my sense of integrity is important to me.

 

Good luck to you!

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Thank you everyone for helping keep me from really overreacting. She actually brought it up tonight. She's either the best liar in the world, or I'm incredibly gullible. I've pretty much decided she's telling the truth. I've found out she is actually a waiter.

 

I've heard of women lying about being virgins, but I've never heard of a non-virgin lying about being a waiter. Mind you she said she was before I said I was. I hadn't told her earlier as the question of sex really hadn't come up before this episode, and I hadn't condemned anything. I had just asked if she had done anything.

 

My mind is settled on the issue I do believe. She actually confessed she broke up with her last boyfriend because he didn't want to wait.

 

This was my main reason for coming here, as it was a major issue in my path. I'll still come around to check the forums every now and then, and if I ever come across any other problems (which I'm sure will happen) I'll have a very supportive community to fall back on. These aren't things I feel comfortable to going to my parents for so it is nice to have people to talk to who understand my situation.

 

Maybe someday the two of us will join that 3% who make it to marriage. That's a long way off so I won't worry about it now, but in any case we're much closer now and I've settled my trust issues.

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Good to hear! pretty sweet two waiters happened to cross paths, it can feel rare these days. Glad things are going well for you, sounds like you got a great girl on your arm, and shes got a good man on hers :)

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Why lie? I AM a virgin. But if I wasn't, I wouldn't lie about it. This isn't the stone ages - most guys don't require virginity in a woman, although I don't think most guys would be perfectly okay with their girlfriend having been around the block, if you know what I mean. Let's say I had no intention of WTM, I still would never have casual sex. But hypothetically if I am feeling rather vulnerable one day and a bit intoxicated (in real life I never touch alcohol,) and I had a one-night stand, I may lie about it. I think I'd be more likely to rob a store then get drunk and have a one-night stand, but I digress. Even hypothetical-me could never soberly choose to have a one-night stand. Hypothetical-me would be really furious at herself. So yeah, she may lie about it. Not because she's worried about being dumped but because it makes it a reality.

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Why lie? I AM a virgin. But if I wasn't, I wouldn't lie about it. This isn't the stone ages - most guys don't require virginity in a woman, although I don't think most guys would be perfectly okay with their girlfriend having been around the block, if you know what I mean.

Most guys don't require virginity, but I would venture to guess that a high percentage of waiter guys do.

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I just need an honest woman's answer on this. Would you lie to spare your boyfriend's feelings? I'm kind of afraid my girlfriend is lieing about past sexual history so as not to upset me. I've assured her that dishonesty would upset me more than anything, but she still says she hasn't done anything with her old boyfriends.

 

I'll be upfront and say I have trust issues. She hasn't done anything I know of to warrant such a reaction; I'm just naturally that way. Would she continue to lie even after reassured I wouldn't be angry?

 

I've read stories where women have told their men for years that they're virgins, and then after the marriage is consummated confess they had lied all those years. I don't want that to happen to me. 

 

Your thoughts?

 

I think that's terrible. Open and clear communication is important. Does he need every detail of everything I've every done with any guy and/or which guy? NO! But I think it's important to explain what your boundaries are (if any)-that includes admitting something like I went this far before, but I'm not okay with that again. 

 

Dodgedude and I know how far each other has gone before our relationship and we know what each other is and isn't okay with. We have conversations about boundaries fairly frequently to check in about how the other person is feeling, etc. Along with open and clear communication, trust is VERY important as well an I think lying about virginity, etc, breaches trust too. 

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I like how three guys have responded to this "Ask the Girl's" question. In all seriousness, if you don't mind another guy response, feel free to read on.

 

This is also a bit of a concern of mine and I have also posed this question to the forum before. Ultimately, you do need to trust your partner. I think I would have a little trouble trusting her resonse, though. So, it may be something I need to work on. Honestly, I would probably ask her early on in the relationship and then ask her again later in the relationship, thinking that maybe she would not be deceitful a second time and that maybe she would be at the point where she thinks I wouldn't break up with her for not being one. Of course, it could also backfire, and she may feel more attached to me and more likely to lie.

 

Nonetheless, as guy, there may, and I stress may, be a way to figure out on the wedding night. Without getting too graphic, there are possible signs of a woman's virginity. Of course, that's not a sure way to tell, as there are other ways a woman could have lost that. Still, that doesn't help much as the deed has already been done. It would not be a fun situation to have to sort out. I have a pretty good idea of how I would respond to that situation and it wouldn't be very pleasant at all.

 

A bit of advice for all you guys posting on this thread: DO NOT wait until the wedding night to test that! I CANNOT stress that enough. Over time, your relationship will grow stronger and you will get to know each other better while beginning to trust one another more. Conversations about sexual history, waiting, and ideas about what you expect for your sex life in marriage SHOULD happen if the relationship is serious and potentially leading to marriage. 

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I think that's terrible. Open and clear communication is important. Does he need every detail of everything I've every done with any guy and/or which guy? NO!

If you're very strict about what you want a potential partner to have done, as I am, I will probably eventually have to be pretty specific in what I'm asking. The guy that she did it with does not matter, though.

 

A bit of advice for all you guys posting on this thread: DO NOT wait until the wedding night to test that! I CANNOT stress that enough. Over time, your relationship will grow stronger and you will get to know each other better while beginning to trust one another more. Conversations about sexual history, waiting, and ideas about what you expect for your sex life in marriage SHOULD happen if the relationship is serious and potentially leading to marriage. 

I didn't mean that he (or anyone) should wait until the wedding night to find out. I was just saying that if you're worried she has lied to you (and you still married her), then there might be a way to tell on the wedding night.

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No I would not lie. If my boyfriend cannot accept me the way I am, then he doesn't deserve to be my boyfriend, virgin or not.

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No I would not lie. If my boyfriend cannot accept me the way I am, then he doesn't deserve to be my boyfriend, virgin or not.

It's not that the guy (or girl) would not deserve to be with a non-virgin because they don't want to be with one. It would just mean the couple is not a good fit if one person values having a virgin spouse highly enough.

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It's not tha the guy (or girl) would not deserve to be with a non-virgin because they don't want to be with one. It would just mean the couple is not a good fit if one person values having a virgin spouse highly enough.

Your sentence makes zero sense. Are you saying that a guy or girl who is a virgin does not deserve a non-virgin? Please clarify.

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Your sentence makes zero sense. Are you saying that a guy or girl who is a virgin does not deserve a non-virgin? Please clarify.

My sentence did make sense. I did not say that a virgin does not deserve a non-virgin. What I said was that if someone highly enough values having virginity in a spouse then they would not be a good fit with someone who is not a virgin.

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My sentence did make sense. I did not say that a virgin does not deserve a non-virgin. What I said was that if someone highly enough values having virginity in a spouse then they would not be a good fit with someone who is not a virgin.

Thanks for clarifying. I appreciate it :) 

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Thanks for clarifying. I appreciate it :)

And isn't that different than what you said, which is that a person (virgin or not) would not "deserve" a non-virgin for not accepting them for who they are? It's not that the person doesn't deserve the non-virgin, but simply that they don't see them as a good fit together, right?

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i would never lie to my other half & i hope he has the same respect towards me! although if you're girlfriend is telling you she's a virgin and you're unsure, you have every right to do some digging and find out. hire a P.I! get them to look into her history, question some ex's. :)

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After our last talk I believe her. It's a non-issue now. I had first brought it up over text message. Those things are the devil when it comes to serious conversation. Can't tell tone, can't look anyone in the eye. Impossible to know if someone's telling the truth over a text so my mind naturally reads too much into things and jumps to the worst conclusion. Word of advice never have a serious conversation in any way other than face to face. Everything is all good now.

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