Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

9 posts in this topic

So, first of all I want to dissuade any attempt to discuss my level of maturity and the broad scope of my relationship decision in general. I've served in the Army and am currently going to college. My girl is working at a private Christian academy and attending college...so it's sort of long distance by a couple of hours, and distractions/other issues aren't really the problem.

Well, we met at a Christian camp we both worked at, and sort of rekindled our friendship a few years later, ie recently. We'd been talking for a few months and have finally made it official. Obviously the problem is that I found out she made a mistake a few months before we were talking...the hard part for her being that she has a big role in the church as a worship leader and missions worker and had actually just gotten back form a long missions trip...so you can think how the church looks at it. Another couple of important things to start with are that the guy she slept with (twice only) was pretty random and she says it was a period of weakness for her because of other things with her family she's dealt with in the past, not to mention he was suicidal and it sounds like he really goaded her into giving herself away. We are both in our twenties and she lives at home currently while the whole college thing is being completed. My biggest problem is of course my continuing mental anguish over this random guy she has been with and my seeming inability to erase it from my mind. I've told her this and she told me about her mistake the night we discussed a serious relationship...so communication has been excellent. I've tried praying about this and reading other people's reviews and all I see are horribly negative things about guys who were in my position. Well, I'm looking for some real Christian advice on what I should do to help the situation...I can't stop visualizing all the stuff they must have done and whether she's still thinking about it..etc. etc. I would really like to hear from someone with experience in this situation...or any wisdom at all really, I REALLY like this girl, and we've prayed about our relationship a lot, I don't take things like this lightly and I don't want some stupid thoughts in my head to ruin everything else...oh and I wouldn't' mind details about things like what it was like on that wedding night, or what a non-virgin girl thinks about a relationship she's had with a virgin guy such as myself...Thank you if you got this far.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say give it time man that's what worked with me. Just time to heal from the thought of it. It stings a lot when you first find out even more when you finally fall in love with her. It's okay though and just remember all sin is equal some have bigger consequences this is one of them, but in all reality that judgemental thought you've probably thought about that guy maybe even your girl aren't any better then what she has done. I know it's hard but if you really start to care for this girl you'll see her for the girl she is now not what she's done remember no christian is defined by their actions only defined by God.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems like the first thing you should ask yourself is "why does this bother you so much?". Really dig deep and address this question first because it can shape how you proceed. If it is because of jealousy (wanting her to be a virgin in case of you guys ever getting married) or do you feel cheated in some way, then as Dasboy said use time to heal from  this. If it is however a case of you have a deep (unrecognised) value of your future partner being a virgin (as some people do) this may be a challenge and an obstacle for you in the future with respect to this relationship. The worst thing you can do for the latter is compromise your beliefs or values or wants. If the latter is not the case, however, really think about how great this girl is to be honest with you up front. As the Bible says you need to focus on the good things:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Phillipians 4:8.

I dated a guy who wasn't a virgin, and when he told me I was in absolute shock because by the time he told me we had already confessed our love for each other. He made me feel bad about being shocked. (He was a manipulator) And he didn't even tell me the whole story. He hid it though because he was pretending to be this great Christian and it all turned out to be a big mess.Do not feel bad about your reaction. You are human after all. 

Focus on how honest and great she obviously is. Actions speak so much louder than words- She is a big part of Ministry which does not happen to fakers (or at least not for long).

As for the negative reviews from others, ignore them. She is not just some random girl out there who is far from God, a pretender and who demands sex. If she does have a purity weakness, you and God be her Pillar of Strength and say "No". I think you will be just fine. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you Dasboy and Lengthy, it feels good to get to bring this up to someone else third party. I agree with what you said Dasboy, and I think for me Lengthy, it's more of the jealousy problem so I guess the best thing to do is continue with the relationship and try to push all thoughts of the mistake away from my mind...even if other people (like her family) cant seem to. It's strange how easily it seems she's pushed it all behind her so quickly, (I've asked about that) and am I right in guessing that a girl wouldn't hold the same mental remembrance of "the act" like I do? I do realize we think differently haha.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If she pushed it behind it means it meant nothing to her. As emotional beings we women hold unto stuff but what people don't realise is, when we don't care for something we attach no emotion , love or concern to it. I've made out with guys but the only kisses I remember are the ones from whome i really cared for. That's a plus for you actually. If she was remembering, then you would have a problem.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for that insight. That actually helps me quite a bit as I had asked her about this specific thing and she told me she's been over it for a while and it doesn't bother her at all (other than all the problems she has from the people she knows now). If she doesn't even have a mental connection to it then I suppose with time I'll be able to get over it mentally, and by then she won't even remember the guy  she was with anyway. That feels quite a bit better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well it could also mean she wants to forget about it couldn't it? I mean I know I would. But I would recommend not pushing the thoughts out cause then you aren't dealing with them only surpressing them try to rake them on head on if you have to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If virginity isn't a requirement for you, then I would hope it is just mainly time and communication with your girlfriend that will help you get past the feelings of discomfort and jealousy. I haven't been in this situation, so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice, but maybe this helps a little.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi USAN,

I think it's great that you are working on this issue with her, and communicating openly. That is really important.

I have some advice for you, and I hope this helps you:

1. Do NOT ask her about details. I mean it. Do not ask her if she liked it. Do not ask her how big he was. Do not ask her what he looked like. If you can avoid it, don't look him up on Facebook. Also, if she still talks to him, I think it's reasonable for you to ask her not to.

2. If you find yourself thinking about it, try to immediately think of something else in your head. I know how awful it is to have those movies playing in your head; do your best to think about anything else but that.

3. Remember how much she cares about you, and that if you stay together, having sex with you will be way, way better than with that other guy. For women, having an emotional connection, and being in love, makes sex 100x better.

4. Don't make your girlfriend feel guilty. She already regrets it, and there's nothing she can do. Please don't make her feel any worse!

5. If you find that you can't get over this, accept it and move on. It's okay, and better than worrying about something like that for the rest of your life.

There is a really good article on this site called "how I got over my fiance's past" and I highly recommend reading it!

Good luck to you, I really hope you can work through this!

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0