wanderlust

I need some serious help getting over a summer fling.

23 posts in this topic

Hey, you guys. I don't exactly know where to put this topic, but I need some advice. Some words to get me in the right direction again. I've been feeling really terrible lately and just need to vent :( This story is going to be long, sorry!

 

edit: I deleted my story because I don't want it to live on the Internet, and also because your advice really helped. Thank you. 

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Mother of mercy.

 

This man is a sexual alpha. You really didn't do anything sexual with him, huh? Yeah, and cows can fly. You'd be wise to avoid any more...emotional dealings with him. He won't have it. He's after one thing and one thing only as well. But like most expert seducers, he knows how to make his notches feel like the only person in the world. I noticed how his cheerleading of the fact that you're waiting is what got you wrapped around his finger (Ah!, the irony). You have no idea that he was even sincere about it; he has no sort of obligation to be sincere. Again, he knows what he's after. 

 

All in all:

 

Do not go back to him.

 

Unless you're masochistic, and enjoy heartbreak.

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Don't bother with this guy anymore. He's either 1.) just a jerk or 2.) very unstable. Either way, forget about him. I fully believe you can do it. People have gotten over relationships that have lasted for years. I know you can get over a guy who you hung out with for about a month.

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I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. It sounds like what started like a dream is now a terrible nightmare. Please believe me when I say that he is NOT the right guy for you, no matter how much he seemed to be at the time. But I completely understand how you fell for him; as you said, having someone pay you this much attention, say the things you are longing to hear... it is intoxicating, even addicting. It would be almost impossible to not be infatuated after something like that, and it sounds like you put your trust in him. And then watched as he betrayed your trust over and over again. I wish for your sake that things had ended at the first argument, before he hit you, before he hurt you; I wish that things would have ended before he said he loved you, because, when used the wrong way, those words can mess a girl up.

 

I recommend that you now end things entirely in every way you can. My advice: Do not contact him. At all. Nothing more needs to be said. If you feel you have to talk to him, write him a letter and then tear it up or store it away. Block his phone number, and then ask a friend to change his contact info in your phone to a name you won't recognize, so that you don't have to see it constantly, and so cannot easily call him again when tempted. Resist the desire to continue cherishing fond memories of the times that felt sweet. Also, use this time to vent and to rediscover yourself. Journal. Write poems. Spend time with friends. Exercise. Volunteer. Watch your favorite movies. Do something that feels productive, like cleaning or knitting. Try not to obsess over him. Make a plan for what you can do to distract yourself when you start getting depressed, and execute this plan every time you catch yourself thinking about him.

 

Be patient with yourself. It is going to take time for you to heal, and that is okay. It is normal to feel broken for awhile. But it will get better. It will. I can speak from experience: The guy I thought I was going to marry left me out of the blue after two wonderful years together, and it was the most painful event in my life. But even though there is still some scar tissue in my heart, things are much better now than they were at first, and I am stronger and wiser.

 

As time goes by, try to forgive him. Not because he deserves it - he doesn't - but because you deserve to live a life free from the burden of holding onto hatred. Also, try to forgive yourself if there is anything you regret doing. Remember, you are worthy of love, and far more valuable than this guy was willing to acknowledge. Learn from this whatever lessons seem to be jumping out at you. And, slowly but surely, try to let this go.

 

Take care, and hang in there. Have courage. Take things one day at a time. Heck, if you need to right now, take things one hour at a time.  My prayers are with you.

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Wanderlust....WOW! As I read your recount..there was a series of things that stood out to me...1. How so rapidly you went for this guy & said you LOVE him after ONLY 6 DAYS!!! I would suggest you look back at that moment...and wonder if you were in love with the "idea of him"...meaning he said all the right things, done all the right things, but NOT THE RIGHT THING. 2. The fact that the relationship IMMEDIATLY became abusive...REALLY starteled me, the things he said to you & the hitting of each other....can I say..RED FLAG!!! A relationship should bring out the very best in the both of you even in the begining stages...3. AND the fact that the abusive words continued from the both of you....another RED FLAG!! I really believe you deserve someone much better than that!!! And you should realize YOU DO TO!!! Wanderlust, know YOURSELF WORTH!!! You Are VALUABLE!! I know you may have liked this guy.....but the one who TRULY LOVES you & REALLY RESPECTS you is yet out there!!!

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I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. It sounds like what started like a dream is now a terrible nightmare. Please believe me when I say that he is NOT the right guy for you, no matter how much he seemed to be at the time. But I completely understand how you fell for him; as you said, having someone pay you this much attention, say the things you are longing to hear... it is intoxicating, even addicting. It would be almost impossible to not be infatuated after something like that, and it sounds like you put your trust in him. And then watched as he betrayed your trust over and over again. I wish for your sake that things had ended at the first argument, before he hit you, before he hurt you; I wish that things would have ended before he said he loved you, because, when used the wrong way, those words can mess a girl up.

 

I recommend that you now end things entirely in every way you can. My advice: Do not contact him. At all. Nothing more needs to be said. If you feel you have to talk to him, write him a letter and then tear it up or store it away. Block his phone number, and then ask a friend to change his contact info in your phone to a name you won't recognize, so that you don't have to see it constantly, and so cannot easily call him again when tempted. Resist the desire to continue cherishing fond memories of the times that felt sweet. Also, use this time to vent and to rediscover yourself. Journal. Write poems. Spend time with friends. Exercise. Volunteer. Watch your favorite movies. Do something that feels productive, like cleaning or knitting. Try not to obsess over him. Make a plan for what you can do to distract yourself when you start getting depressed, and execute this plan every time you catch yourself thinking about him.

 

Be patient with yourself. It is going to take time for you to heal, and that is okay. It is normal to feel broken for awhile. But it will get better. It will. I can speak from experience: The guy I thought I was going to marry left me out of the blue after two wonderful years together, and it was the most painful event in my life. But even though there is still some scar tissue in my heart, things are much better now than they were at first, and I am stronger and wiser.

 

As time goes by, try to forgive him. Not because he deserves it - he doesn't - but because you deserve to live a life free from the burden of holding onto hatred. Also, try to forgive yourself if there is anything you regret doing. Remember, you are worthy of love, and far more valuable than this guy was willing to acknowledge. Learn from this whatever lessons seem to be jumping out at you. And, slowly but surely, try to let this go.

 

Take care, and hang in there. Have courage. Take things one day at a time. Heck, if you need to right now, take things one hour at a time.  My prayers are with you.

 

^^This^^

 

You absolutely have to get over this lout. Once he'd gotten what he wanted out of you, he didn't hesitate to tell you what he really thought of your waiting (obviously, he was anything but sincere). After he had gone out and slammed two other women like nothing. And yet, here you are, still all tingly and an incoherent mess over him. Oh boy, those are some unfavorable odds for your future husband.

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^^This^^

 

You absolutely have to get over this lout. Once he'd gotten what he wanted out of you, he didn't hesitate to tell you what he really thought of your waiting (obviously, he was anything but sincere). After he had gone out and slammed two other women like nothing. And yet, here you are, still all tingly and an incoherent mess over him. Oh boy, those are some unfavorable odds for your future husband.

 

It was a hellish experience. I know that he's not the right one for me, but he was my first love. I mean, I thought I loved him. I can't get over it by snapping my fingers. I wasn't lonely before I met him, because I didn't know what it was like to be """in love""", but now that I've fallen out of it, I feel so empty inside.

 

I think I'm a tingly and incoherent mess because I was replaced so quickly. I don't know. I remembered being bored when I was with him, sometimes thinking "why can't he leave so I can do something else" when we made out. I was relieved when he'd tell me that he had plans with his boys so I didn't have to be with him. I felt like I was drowning a lot of the time. He's definitely not "the one" so it's not like I'm losing out on anything, so I don't understand just WHY I'm so sad? 

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I read the entire thing, which was damn emotional :( But it's obvious that he's just a player, a dishonest and abusive individual. I am surprised, though, that you let him sleep over with you in your bed so soon! In my opinion, that's a mistake. It's unwise to let someone get so close to you when you barely know him. Yet, I understand that it was the image he put up for you: a guy who's different and actually respects... your conviction to wait. Turns out he's just toying with girls' emotions to get just what he wants. I'm sorry that you let him get so close to you, and the exchange of "I love you"s was far too soon. But now's the time to consolidate all the mistakes you've made and learn from them. I would invite you to consider that appearances can indeed be deceiving. Though a guy may say that he is awed and respectful about your beliefs and values, it is only the endurance he shows through his actions in the long run. Be glad that you were stronger than others, perhaps Jessica and Abby, and he was not able to get you in the sack as easily as them. Also, dismiss the charm and "love" you had for each other as mere infatuation and, on his part, trickery. You still have so much to offer to a man far more worthy of you. I offer you my full support, and as such, feel free to get back to me. I wish you to exercise more caution going forward. There are men far better out there for you.

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I read the entire thing, which was damn emotional :( But it's obvious that he's just a player, a dishonest and abusive individual. I am surprised, though, that you let him sleep over with you in your bed so soon! In my opinion, that's a mistake. It's unwise to let someone get so close to you when you barely know him. Yet, I understand that it was the image he put up for you: a guy who's different and actually respects... your conviction to wait. Turns out he's just toying with girls' emotions to get just what he wants. I'm sorry that you let him get so close to you, and the exchange of "I love you"s was far too soon. But now's the time to consolidate all the mistakes you've made and learn from them. I would invite you to consider that appearances can indeed be deceiving. Though a guy may say that he is awed and respectful about your beliefs and values, it is only the endurance he shows through his actions in the long run. Be glad that you were stronger than others, perhaps Jessica and Abby, and he was not able to get you in the sack as easily as them. Also, dismiss the charm and "love" you had for each other as mere infatuation and, on his part, trickery. You still have so much to offer to a man far more worthy of you. I offer you my full support, and as such, feel free to get back to me. I wish you to exercise more caution going forward. There are men far better out there for you.

 

I'm not surprised by her early willingness. If you know how to make a woman tingle, my friend, logic seldom applies (like most things women do). Notice how as their tryst progressed she was more willing to put herself in dicey situations where she would be tested (and overcome, it would seem). If she honestly didn't share any sort of sexual gratification with him, she deserves major props. 

 

But I won't hold my breath.

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There are other guys just like this so now you know what to stay away from (manipulators out to disempower you, who isolate you, who abuse you, who will never cease to lie to you).  You say he seemed addicted to you.  Well, he was.  How flattering to be wanted so.. and how dangerous.. they never go away.  This is how stalkers are made.  Because in his mind, he owns you.  He tried to guilt you into having sex.  You experienced an abusive relationship. (ALL abusive men are similar, persuasive, controlling, selfish).  (Look at Rihanna and Chris back together! They should know better but abusive relationships are never that clear from the inside).  Charm is deceptive.  And these types of men are masters of appearance, and their deceptions and need for control know no bounds (I promise you that).  Being in love doesn't mean he is the one.  Careful not to find yourself in another abusive relationship (it happens all the time).  Learn your lessons and move on.  Women are murdered EVERY DAY at the hands of their significant others.  You're lucky he didn't rape you.

 

Those who rape aren't just the creepy, strange men who lurk around.  You just met a very stereotypical rapist.

Life doesn't lessen our heartaches.  Neither does God, but He can give you perseverance and wisdom.  Don't worry, you'll move on with a little time.  Until then, look inward and ask yourself why you were vulnerable to an abusive relationship. 
 

"Nearly 70% of female victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner first experienced dating violence before the age of 25." (http://www.mocadsv.org/)

 

I know I sound like I've been hard on you here.. If only I didn't know the truth.

Life is all about learning your lessons and then using your knowledge for good. 

Book:
Why Does He Do That
 

 

 

Finally, the good news is... no, the most fantastic news of all!  WTM saved you from him.

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I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. It sounds like what started like a dream is now a terrible nightmare. Please believe me when I say that he is NOT the right guy for you, no matter how much he seemed to be at the time. But I completely understand how you fell for him; as you said, having someone pay you this much attention, say the things you are longing to hear... it is intoxicating, even addicting. It would be almost impossible to not be infatuated after something like that, and it sounds like you put your trust in him. And then watched as he betrayed your trust over and over again. I wish for your sake that things had ended at the first argument, before he hit you, before he hurt you; I wish that things would have ended before he said he loved you, because, when used the wrong way, those words can mess a girl up.

 

I recommend that you now end things entirely in every way you can. My advice: Do not contact him. At all. Nothing more needs to be said. If you feel you have to talk to him, write him a letter and then tear it up or store it away. Block his phone number, and then ask a friend to change his contact info in your phone to a name you won't recognize, so that you don't have to see it constantly, and so cannot easily call him again when tempted. Resist the desire to continue cherishing fond memories of the times that felt sweet. Also, use this time to vent and to rediscover yourself. Journal. Write poems. Spend time with friends. Exercise. Volunteer. Watch your favorite movies. Do something that feels productive, like cleaning or knitting. Try not to obsess over him. Make a plan for what you can do to distract yourself when you start getting depressed, and execute this plan every time you catch yourself thinking about him.

 

Be patient with yourself. It is going to take time for you to heal, and that is okay. It is normal to feel broken for awhile. But it will get better. It will. I can speak from experience: The guy I thought I was going to marry left me out of the blue after two wonderful years together, and it was the most painful event in my life. But even though there is still some scar tissue in my heart, things are much better now than they were at first, and I am stronger and wiser.

 

As time goes by, try to forgive him. Not because he deserves it - he doesn't - but because you deserve to live a life free from the burden of holding onto hatred. Also, try to forgive yourself if there is anything you regret doing. Remember, you are worthy of love, and far more valuable than this guy was willing to acknowledge. Learn from this whatever lessons seem to be jumping out at you. And, slowly but surely, try to let this go.

 

Take care, and hang in there. Have courage. Take things one day at a time. Heck, if you need to right now, take things one hour at a time.  My prayers are with you.

What beautiful advice.

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WOW! girlie! you got yourself in a big tornado of hell wrapped all around you, bless your heart. You need better friends to tell you the truth because If I knew you personally you wouldnt have kept going back to him so easily.

 

You got caught up on his looks and his words mistake #1 just because he looks like a model doesnt mean he is a model citizen. This story also shows that you have no self respect because no woman with self respect would let a man(or anyone) slap her and then walk away with both hands still intact :P.

 

Anyway you dont need to hear what was wrong, you now need to heal from this creep.  

 

Start by writing a pros and cons list write down all his negatives and look over it while comparing to his positives this will help you see things more clearly.  And it will remind you of why you SHOULDNT speak to him EVER again.  Surround yourself by GOOD natured people...this will help you miss him less because youre experiencing healthy relationships and you will realize more and more how toxic his behavior was towards you. Im not saying you dont realize this now but your "Love goggles" are on, so its harder to see things clearly.  Now youve learned that just because a guy "says" he respects your choices doesnt really mean he does.  One of my main dating rules that I follow (especially with men) is actions speak louder than words so anything a guy says to me means diddly squat NADA! He told you he respects you but he slapped you and slept around hmmm 

If a MAN respects you he will be too busy showing you, not telling you.  

Scream to some women empowerment songs, pray, cry, yell,  eat lots of ice cream, stay away from any romance movies for now...get a friend that will remind you why he's a loser do whatever it is you need to do. Since this was a short romance luckily it wont take long for you to get over him.

Once you completely heal from this you will come out a better and stronger woman one of the best things you can do is learn from this, life is learning process.  Build yourself up, realize you are worthy of much more in life and move on to bigger and better things.

 

Im sorry you wasted some of your trip on this guy but atleast now you get a better picture of what to avoid.

Last but not least be glad you dodged that bullet could you imagine if you'd slept with him? it wouldve been way worse another reason why WTM is a good decision.

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The story did sound fishy at first. From the moment you told him you were waiting, I think he saw you as a conquest, and not as a person to get into a future relationship with. He knew he wasn't going to get it from you right away so he switched into charm mode, made you think he was different. My red flag would have been when you asked him what you were and said he only gets "exclusive " with people who he has sex with. At that point, he was straight up telling you he had no intentions of being in a relationship with you, that you were seen as another conquest. After all that all I saw was one red flag after another. 

 

I completely understand why you're feeling upset. You were in love with who you thought he was, you were addicted to his kisses. That is what you're upset by. You know he's a jerk, you know he wasn't right for you. You want the him you thought he was. You're also mad at yourself for letting this jerk in. It is not your fault, he knows how to play girls, make them fall for him. He also knows how to keep them coming back to them. I'm not going to tell you what point I would have walked away at because in all honesty, I really don't know. I'd like to say I would have walked away at the first red flag. It's like your in Hurricane(yes, I got that from a song). One moment, you're in the midst of the storm, everything seems to be going wrong. Then you're in the eye, and everything seems fine. My advice let go. Block and delete his number. Then distract yourself. Go out with friends, enjoy yourself. Talk to guys, but don't go out with them. Let yourself know that you can go out talk to guys and not fall for them. When you get down, face those feelings so they don't consume you. It's easy to get caught up with it all, but by allowing yourself to acknowledge those feelings it helps you move on and stops them from consuming you.

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It was a hellish experience. I know that he's not the right one for me, but he was my first love. I mean, I thought I loved him. I can't get over it by snapping my fingers. I wasn't lonely before I met him, because I didn't know what it was like to be """in love""", but now that I've fallen out of it, I feel so empty inside.

 

I think I'm a tingly and incoherent mess because I was replaced so quickly. I don't know. I remembered being bored when I was with him, sometimes thinking "why can't he leave so I can do something else" when we made out. I was relieved when he'd tell me that he had plans with his boys so I didn't have to be with him. I felt like I was drowning a lot of the time. He's definitely not "the one" so it's not like I'm losing out on anything, so I don't understand just WHY I'm so sad? 

 

Hi Wanderlust, I hope some of what the other replies have helped you some. I agree with Wandering Washingtonian that writing out all your anger and other emotions into a letter would really help as a start. I had a sort of similar experience (although to a lesser degree) during my second year in college. There was this grad student (totally smart, Fullbright scholar, etc.) who I found to be cute, charming, and we flirted a lot. We did have a conversation once about our views on sex and I told him I was waiting for my wedding night. He, too, thought it was "really great"...then he started flirting with other girls...in front of me...then he flirted with my friends...IN FRONT OF ME, too! Thinking back, I always still wanted to be with him because I seriously felt like I needed a guy in order to "fit in" with the college crowd. Fortunately, we never did anything together -- as in not even kissing (thank goodness!).

 

Each time we would flirt with some girl, I felt humiliated and hurt...but it was actually insecurity. How did I cure this? I went to France to study abroad! I did a year-long immersion program and really challenged myself. From that experience, I gained so much confidence in myself, knowing full well that I'm a smart, capable, independent girl! So I would suggest that you do something that would boost your self-confidence and self-esteem...be it learning martial arts, painting, singing, anything that would make you feel happy and accomplished and proud of yourself!

 

And on the flip side...you've learned the lesson that many of us have also learned -- how to spot a player before the game even starts. Having completed that lesson with your virginity intact is still something to proud of! Remind yourself that even at moments when you had the choice of faltering and yielding to giving him what he wanted, you still resisted!

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Wanderlust, I am deeply sorry for what you went through and I hope the path to healing will be quick. Your story was so difficult for me to read because this sort of thing just seems so common these days. :( For heaven's sake, have some respect for yourself! You are worth so much more than you could ever know. It just boggles my mind how girls have a tendency fall for bad boys like him. What is it about a guy who hits you and cheats on you that is so intoxicating and keeps a girl coming back for more? Is it truly evolutionary for females to be drawn to assholery and abusive behavior? That's not a rhetorical question, I'm genuinely perplexed and dying to have an actual answer. I need someone with 50 college degrees and a Ph.D to explain that to me. The fact that he is such a smooth talker and popular with the ladies should have been a dead giveaway that he's a player. Like T said, any guy can tell you all the things you want to hear. But it takes a real man to show you that he means what he says. If his actions contradict his words, then he is a fraud. Understand that I'm not blaming you or anything. It just seems like common sense that if someone is treating you badly, you should leave them. Based on your account, the moment he said he can't live without sex in a relationship, things should have ended there completely. But to stick around even after he hit you and said multiple times he's sleeping with other girls? My head just can't wrap around the rationale of that.

 

I'm telling you this in love, wanderlust. But for future reference, it's not wise to share a bed with a guy if you're not married if you're WTM, especially someone you just met. It's a huge relief that you both didn't go too far, but it puts you both in a position of great temptation. I just don't think rushing so quick into the physical aspect of a relationship so soon is the best thing to do for waiters.

 

The moment a guy does something blatantly disrespectful to you,LEAVE HIM. Which would you rather have? A guy who frequently announces to you he's having other girls on the side, or a guy who will love and honor you by being faithful? Never settle, have high standards, and know your worth!!! You will be in my prayers.

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Is it truly evolutionary for females to be drawn to assholery and abusive behavior? 

 

Sort of. Honestly. The biggest lie the cultural produces right now when it comes to male-female relations is that women are attracted to sappy, subservient men. Feminine men. You don't have to be an asshole and "abusive" in the truest sense. Still, being a bit of an aloof jerk is a scientifically proven way to attract women. Then there's the theory of pre-selection.

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That kind of nonsense won't attract me. The thought of having to deal with being hurt often isn't something I like and I won't tolerate that from a guy. Love doesn't hurt physically and shouldn't be psychologically or emotionally damaging. Since that isn't love, I won't be with someone constantly giving me that..(or at all -no abuse of any kind) I have high standards and no one should be taking crap like that. I really don't understand how some girls will find that attractive. I guess I'm not one of those girls in the statistics @Jayspyder and this post was a response to @envinceable's quote from above.

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I know of guys who were willing to stay with women who treated them poorly, so I can't imagine pretending like this is only a female thing. I honestly think this may be more of an age thing. I think the older you get, the less likely you are to put up with this kind of stuff.

 

EDIT: Though I should add, I think the motivation may be differnet for guys than girls when they do this.

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I know of guys who were willing to stay with women who treated them poorly, so I can't imagine pretending like this is only a female thing. I honestly think this may be more of an age thing. I think the older you get, the less likely you are to put up with this kind of stuff.

 

EDIT: Though I should add, I think the motivation may be differnet for guys than girls when they do this.

 

Women are less likely to beat men and less likely to use men for sex. I think the ratio of this kind of thing happening to men pursuing women is smaller. Also women don't prey on men the way men prey on women. Even though men prey on women, this doesn't make it intelligent for women to volunteer to be prey. Women have a responsibility to guard themselves ever so closely to prevent this kind of thing from happening to them.

 

And I don't think it's more of an age thing... I think there is something to it overall in a disproportionate way.

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Women are less likely to beat men and less likely to use men for sex. I think the ratio of this kind of thing happening to men pursuing women is smaller. Also women don't prey on men the way men prey on women. Even though men prey on women, this doesn't make it intelligent for women to volunteer to be prey. Women have a responsibility to guard themselves ever so closely to prevent this kind of thing from happening to them.

 

And I don't think it's more of an age thing... I think there is something to it overall in a disproportionate way.

Physical abuse and being used for sex aren't the only two ways of being treated poorly. There are women who will be bitchy to the guy, make him feel bad himself, cheat on him, ect.....and the guy doesn't break up with her. Like I said, I think there are different reasons men and women will put up with abuse from a partner (and this is a generalization, obviously. This won't be true of EVERY man or EVERY woman). For men, I think it's that they don't think they could get another girl. Guys with low self esteem will just put up with poor treatment because at least they have a girlfriend. Or, similarly, they are with a HOT girl and don't want to give up having her on his arm (and maybe even occasionally having sex with her) despite poor treatment. For women, I think it's more about thinking they can fix the guy. He's a jerk in a ton of ways, but they see (or think they see) a kernel of goodness in him. It's like an exciting project. A reason I think could effect both men and women is simply that they have been together for a long time. One treats the other poorly (or maybe even both treat each other poorly) but one or both of them won't end the relationship because they are used to one another.

 

Like I said, I can't imagine pretending like this is only a female thing. It's possible it affects women more often than men (if we're talking strictly about domestic abuse, then certainly yes), but I bet there are men who stay in poor relationships fairly often. Now, once more, let me reiterate. Not ALL women and not ALL men are like this. There is nothing about being a man or being a woman that will definitely make you like this. Unfortunately, though, there are people who will put up with abuse.

 

Also, note, this is a general comment. I am in no way saying this is what happened in wanderlusts's situation.

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Wanderlust, I am deeply sorry for what you went through and I hope the path to healing will be quick. Your story was so difficult for me to read because this sort of thing just seems so common these days. :( For heaven's sake, have some respect for yourself! You are worth so much more than you could ever know. It just boggles my mind how girls have a tendency fall for bad boys like him. What is it about a guy who hits you and cheats on you that is so intoxicating and keeps a girl coming back for more? Is it truly evolutionary for females to be drawn to assholery and abusive behavior? That's not a rhetorical question, I'm genuinely perplexed and dying to have an actual answer. I need someone with 50 college degrees and a Ph.D to explain that to me. The fact that he is such a smooth talker and popular with the ladies should have been a dead giveaway that he's a player. Like T said, any guy can tell you all the things you want to hear. But it takes a real man to show you that he means what he says. If his actions contradict his words, then he is a fraud. Understand that I'm not blaming you or anything. It just seems like common sense that if someone is treating you badly, you should leave them. Based on your account, the moment he said he can't live without sex in a relationship, things should have ended there completely. But to stick around even after he hit you and said multiple times he's sleeping with other girls? My head just can't wrap around the rationale of that.

 

I'm telling you this in love, wanderlust. But for future reference, it's not wise to share a bed with a guy if you're not married if you're WTM, especially someone you just met. It's a huge relief that you both didn't go too far, but it puts you both in a position of great temptation. I just don't think rushing so quick into the physical aspect of a relationship so soon is the best thing to do for waiters.

 

The moment a guy does something blatantly disrespectful to you,LEAVE HIM. Which would you rather have? A guy who frequently announces to you he's having other girls on the side, or a guy who will love and honor you by being faithful? Never settle, have high standards, and know your worth!!! You will be in my prayers.

 

When I read this comment, I thought "can envincebal read my thoughts or something?" this is practically identical to what I wanted to write. Seriously, I had to double-check he wrote it cuz I thought "maybe I wrote this very late at night and was too tired to remember?" 

 

Bottom line: the guy slapped you. When a guy is physically violent with you, cut him out of your life. FOREVER. Plus, you kicked him in the stomach. I don't think it's normal to kick someone you "love" in the stomach. If you were able to act violently against him, that's probably your mind and body telling you that you don't love him and he is bad news.

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When I read this comment, I thought "can envincebal read my thoughts or something?" this is practically identical to what I wanted to write. Seriously, I had to double-check he wrote it cuz I thought "maybe I wrote this very late at night and was too tired to remember?" 

 

Bottom line: the guy slapped you. When a guy is physically violent with you, cut him out of your life. FOREVER. Plus, you kicked him in the stomach. I don't think it's normal to kick someone you "love" in the stomach. If you were able to act violently against him, that's probably your mind and body telling you that you don't love him and he is bad news.

 

Great minds think alike, Sophie :)

 

But yeah, I agree that it's not okay for either person to be physically hurting the other. There is seriously something wrong on a fundamental level if you're both exchanging blows at each other. It will only get worse from there if the relationship persists.

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Congratulations, you are escaping an abusive relationship! And now you have a chance (or, duty) to learn everything you can from what happened, so that you never repeat any of the mistakes you made. (I'm not putting all of the blame on you, but when I went through a similar situation, what brought me the greatest relief was repenting, acknowledging that I actually had a lot of power, and then feeling deeply assured that--as long as I use my brain--none of this will ever happen again! And my friend's advice: don't feel like you have some deadline for "getting over him" (that sense of pressure doesn't help). Also, realizing that I SHOULD hurt; that meant that my ability to form attachments to people is intact.) People are reluctant to give advice about what you could have done better, but I promise you will feel better when you admit/figure out what you did *wrong* and KNOW that as long as you continue to decide/behave differently, this will not happen again. You can be healthy and safe!

The other option is to keep doing the same thing, attract abusive types, and become codependent.

 

Read An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters. (Do it, it's really short!)

Here's a thought for later, once you get over him well enough to be good company to "the next guy." (I promise you will, if you decide to.) How long did that take? Mathematically, how many times can you afford to go through similar crises before you are past the age that you had hoped to be married? Emotionally, even if you can afford to go through that again, why would you want to? That degree of suffering simply isn't necessary; it is not the price of finding a mate.

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