shaneb

Does WTM lead to rushed marriages?

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I've heard some people quote the statistic that evangelical Christians have a higher divorce rate than the rest of the population.  And then the explanation for this fact was that evangelicals tend to be believe in WTM and that this leads them to marry younger and to rush into marriage resulting in poor decision making regarding whom to marry. 

 

What do you think about this argument?  Does practicing WTM encourage people to rush into marriage just so they can have sex? 

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wow.   i can follow the logic i suppose!   and yet...   somehow that doesn't seem more or less likely than divorce among the rest of the population does it?   I mean... evangelical Christians would also like be very predisposed to divorce not being an option wouldn't they? 

 

your question though is an intriguing one...  does WTM potentially "compel" people to rush into marriage in order to become sexually active.   I suspect a great # of people here on the forum would say a resounding no...   as they are themselves evidence of waiting for the right person.   There are a few of us on here - including you Shane! - who waited til right person not til we couldn't take it any longer (LOL).

 

But...  I think the hypothesis COULD have some truth in it....    or perhaps the truth is most visibly in seen in young couples who have been together since they were in school....  and so have been together for enough years where the readiness is there, but also the sense of having developed a certainty about their relationship over those years!   vs someone who has dated several different people and finds themselves into their twenties etc.   I wonder if the statistic you're reading remarks on the ages and/or # of relationships those marriage partners had - i'm not suggesting older is better per se and i'm not suggesting that more relationships is better per se....  but I wonder if perhaps those marriages that are "rushed" are among couples who literally have been together their whole lives, and are young(er)?

 

i'm sure the community will have thoughts - i just thought i would toss a few added questions into this thread from you, Shane.

 

- ian

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I can't say anything about the divorce statistics and whatnot, since I don't know anything about it. But I know that a lot of people argue that waiting till marriage is a bad idea because "you'll end up getting married early because you won't be able to wait any longer to have sex". Now, I can only assume that these people believe that if you don't WTM, you'll not have that problem because you'll be able to have sex with whoever you want and not have to get married (they think) just because you "can't wait any longer".

 

Is anyone else really insulted by that? The idea that you should be using someone (boy/girlfriend) in order to "control" your sexual urges, and kind of "get them out of your system", and that you're only marrying early because you don't have any kind of sexual outlet. Last time I checked, boyfriends and girlfriends are human persons, not means for you to get rid of your sexual urges. This idea that "oh, you'll have to marry younger so you can have sex" - since when was your spouse just some means for you to have sex?! If that's the reason you're marrying young, no wonder your marriage is terrible!

 

If you're waiting till marriage for the right reasons (i.e. you actually want to wait because you believe sex is special, not just because your parents or your religion tells you to but you have no motivation to do so), then you're not going to have that problem. You're not going to jump into marriage just so you can have sex. You're going to learn to actually control your sexual desires. Then when you do get married, you're not going to be using your spouse. You won't be using sex as a means to gratify yourself, but as a way to express your love for your spouse.

 

xxx

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This really can be the case of a lot of people, but that isn't to say this is always the case. I mean, waiting until marriage does not just mean waiting until as soon as you can marry, but it also means waiting until when you SHOULD marry, preferably when you are both financially sound and ready to commit. I could marry my current boyfriend at any time if I want, but I still have my degree to work on and he wants to find a better job first in the meantime. However, since neither of us really have the desire for sex, waiting for sex is a lot easier, but waiting for marriage... not so much, it doesn't help that we live two hours away from each other and don't get to see each other every day.

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If you haven't been taught to have respect for the idea of marriage and the commitment it represents, then I could see how wtm could encourage people to rush in. With that said I think most of us that are wtm do have that respect for marriage so we wouldn't do something so foolish. If you can make it to your 20s and still be wtm, I'm sure you have enough self control to wait for the right person to come along, whether that is the first person you date or the fifth. People get married for crazy reasons all the time that have nothing to do with wtm, so I would be surprised if evangelical christians had a higher divorce rate especially just because of wtm.

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I think it potentially could, but obviously it doesn't necessarily. I know of at least one couple who I'm pretty sure was waiting until marriage that married rather quickly. It's not too crazy to think that wanting to have sex had something to do with it. I don't know how many waiters this affects, though. Maybe a lot marry too soon because of this or maybe only a few do. I'm 21 and still unmarried, so I surely haven't rushed to do so. Of course, I also have never had a girlfriend, but I don't think I would rush just because I want to have sex. Ultimately, it probably depends on how much self control you have and how clearly you're able to analyze your relationship without the desire to have sex getting in the way (either conciosuly or unconciously).

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I guess I am gonna be the person that stands up and says: Prove it. I don't mean to start a riot and this thread certainly makes for interesting conversation and I can even follow its logic in some manner however I am curious to see these statisics. The divorce rate is universally high especially among men above the age of 20 but thats not to say that marriages are already statistically set to fail at 50% on the first marriage for both parties. That percetnage only increases with the 2nd or 3rd marriage and this is just speaking of the normal civilan marriage not to mention the divorce rates almost double in the military.

My reason to question this is I feel there is just as much logic to say that a marriage of two non-wtm and non-evangical christians would be just as statistacally likely to end if not perphaps more so depending on other factors (2nd marriage...male/female..military, etc). However the logic of evangical christians who are WTM rushing to get married suggests that they are (as has been stated) getting married strictly to have sex and wait no more which implies that they are simply getting married to have sex. Well I feel anyone you ask regardless of religion or WTM would say that if you are getting married strictly for the sex then you are getting married for the wrong reason. To this end I feel that two indivuals with no religious backround and who are not WTM would be just as likely to get a divorce if they were only marrying because the sex was good; this also introduces new reasons for divorce that a WTM couple would not have such as past partners and being tied to one person sexually.

My overall point is that divorce like marriage is a choice that each indivual makes and unless one believes that they are subject to some form of perdetermined destiny then really your odds are what you make of them. But more to the point is both you and your girl/boyfriend should respect marriage and understand its nature before ever making such a decision similarly the same could be said of getting a divorce....do people not also get deivorced for frivilous reasons? In a non-argumentative but simply curious manner I am interested to hear other view points on this subject since it alas could potentially aply to many of us but I will speak for myself and say that it fully applies to me: male, age 22, evangical christian, WTM, serving in the branch of the military with highest divorce rate.

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I guess I am gonna be the person that stands up and says: Prove it. I don't mean to start a riot and this thread certainly makes for interesting conversation and I can even follow its logic in some manner however I am curious to see these statisics. The divorce rate is universally high especially among men above the age of 20 but thats not to say that marriages are already statistically set to fail at 50% on the first marriage for both parties. That percetnage only increases with the 2nd or 3rd marriage and this is just speaking of the normal civilan marriage not to mention the divorce rates almost double in the military.

My reason to question this is I feel there is just as much logic to say that a marriage of two non-wtm and non-evangical christians would be just as statistacally likely to end if not perphaps more so depending on other factors (2nd marriage...male/female..military, etc). However the logic of evangical christians who are WTM rushing to get married suggests that they are (as has been stated) getting married strictly to have sex and wait no more which implies that they are simply getting married to have sex. Well I feel anyone you ask regardless of religion or WTM would say that if you are getting married strictly for the sex then you are getting married for the wrong reason. To this end I feel that two indivuals with no religious backround and who are not WTM would be just as likely to get a divorce if they were only marrying because the sex was good; this also introduces new reasons for divorce that a WTM couple would not have such as past partners and being tied to one person sexually.

My overall point is that divorce like marriage is a choice that each indivual makes and unless one believes that they are subject to some form of perdetermined destiny then really your odds are what you make of them. But more to the point is both you and your girl/boyfriend should respect marriage and understand its nature before ever making such a decision similarly the same could be said of getting a divorce....do people not also get deivorced for frivilous reasons? In a non-argumentative but simply curious manner I am interested to hear other view points on this subject since it alas could potentially aply to many of us but I will speak for myself and say that it fully applies to me: male, age 22, evangical christian, WTM, serving in the branch of the military with highest divorce rate.

I don't think it's so much that these people explicitly think to themselves "I'm marrying just so I can have sex," but more that the desire to have sex clouds some other thoughts about what is wrong with the relationship and makes them rush into something they might otherwise not have. Obviously, though, this won't be the case for all waiters. But, it wouldn't shock me if this was sometimes the case. Like I said in my last post, I haven't rushed into a relationship just to have sex, so I'm pretty confident this doesn't have to be the case with me (and that it won't be the case with plenty of other waiters, including people on here).

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I think in some cases WTM could lead to rushed marriage, but at the same time when someone is WTM they may think more about who they want to marry because they don't just want to give it away to whomever, so my guess is it depends on the people involved and other factors.

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As my youth pastor said, marrying for the sex is like having a lifetime pass to Space Mountain and nothing else, space mountain can be fun, but you don't get the other rides that make Disney World/Land fun so eventually it becomes boring after a while when sex loses its novelty. 

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I think WTM can definitely, without a doubt, lead to rushed marriages. These are usually done by young people - highschool graduates and university students. These people have tons of hormones and their whole lives ahead of them. They think they have nothing to lose. Chances are they'll get divorced, and they probably won't WTM again.

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I do believe WTM can lead to rushed marriages just so you can have sex, but I also believe you can be WTM, young, and marry for all the right reasons. Within every demographic there are people who take the same action for different reasons. If someone marries just to have sex, then I think they have no business getting married. That's not what marriage is about and if you go into it with those expectations, of course you have a higher likelihood of getting divorced.

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I'd like to marry young just because it appeals to me, but not for the sex. I mean, if you've got enough self control to be WTM I think you've got enough self control to not rush into a marriage just for sex. If anything I'd say we have better judgement of critical choices like these. Not having a relationship held together by sex gives us a better chance at making an actual emotional connection unlike so many lackluster marriages.

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The ancient Greeks talked about the different types of love, and the 2 that stuck with me were Eros and agape. Eros is romantic love, the love between 2 soul ages and no doubt its a beautiful feeling, but if that type of love isn't grounded in the foundation of agape love then it cannot last for long. Agape love is a pure love, a selfless love that is always called into action for no other reason but to fulfill itself. The Greeks called agape love a divine love .

I think society in general has given less e phases on this type of love and given more emphasis on the the feel good rewards that come from Eros or sexual joy in general.

Plus the word commitment means a lot less these days then it did 50 or 100 years ago. We live in a Hollywood media society .

It's also not easy to wait until marriage, believe me I know just how tough it can be at 46.

Actually my dream was to save my first kiss for the girl I would marry, but circumstances and a national talk show changed that lol.

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I don't think it's rushing as long as you know in your heart the person you're marrying is the one the Lord wants for you to be with! :) 

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I think that WTM certainly can rush marriages for some people. Waiting is not for everyone, and though I do believe that sexual acts before marriage constitute a major sin, some people are simply unable to control their carnal desires. I do hope those people make the decision that's right for them, because marriage is a lifelong commitment, not an arrangement rushed into with the wrong person because you simply can't contain yourself anymore.

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