struggling

almost 30 and still waiting...

16 posts in this topic

Hi there, I'm new here and I feel I had to come here and post straight away.  After searching for many forums and sites trying to find people who would understand my situation, I honestly think this is the one.  Afterall this entire forum site is dedicated to this one issue of waiting til marriage for sex, an issue which was taken over my life, in a very bad way now. 
 
I'm going to reach 30 in 2 months time and despite having had relationships and opportunities where I could have had it, I'm still a virgin, technically speaking at least.  I've been with 4/5 women in serious relationships and had a few flings too, in nearly all these occasions I could easily have had sex as the opportunity was there.  Even so I have to always mention that I'm only a virgin technically speaking.  So, yes I have done other "stuff" which of course would be regarded as sexually sinful.  But the actual act of intercourse is still something which I have not yet experienced and this as I turn 30 bothers me hugely.  
 
I HONESTLY thought that I would have at least met the right girl and probably been married by now, and thus obviously having a sex life. Yet that hasn't happened, hence the frustration and my breakdown over this issue. If I was told at 21, that I still would not be married by 30, I wonder what I would have done... But I was convinced that God would lead me to a spouse by this age and that I wouldn't have to worry. My father and brother both got married at 30, so many Christian friends got married before then and so on... I just feel extremely distraught that this hasn't happened for me, even though I've had relationships some long term, nothing has worked out. And you can see the logic here in a way - I'll remain a virgin because I know I'll be rewarded with a great, virgin wife. I know of course now that was very naive but you can follow the logic there. What's my reward been - NOTHING! Well actually infact it's been a series of setbacks if anything.  
 
I did infact try a few times to do it, earlier this year, with a girl I was with for quite some time but I failed because I went soft just before penetration, both times. Without getting details, I'll just say as a result of that and everything else I feel pathetic, pathetic at failing to have sex, I can't think of anything more pathetic than that.
 
So on one side I want to follow my Christian faith and wait until marriage, and on the other, I sometimes don't feel human for not having had intercourse and constantly missing out. It just feels like all this waiting has been for NOTHING and it's been a complete waste. I know maybe the time has come for me to make a decision. My never-ending ambivalence about this for years has both held me back from both enjoying sex and growing in my faith.  To be totally honest I'm FURIOUS WITH GOD, it feels like complete torture having to make me wait all this time where other people are enjoying marriage and its benefits and are living relatively happy lives.
 
I'm sure alot of you will understand where I'm coming from but honestly how can you cope with this?  At 21, it's ok, even at 25 I was fairly relaxed but getting a bit nervous and I was with a Christian girl at this point but now at almost 30 I am having a break down over this issue.   I should either decide whether I want to finally experience this or continue this celibate journey knowing how difficult it will be with no guarantee of finding a wife. But can you see my dilemna in making that choice?  I've been a Christian since I was 14, been to church all my life, been surrounded with strong Christian teaching.  These beliefs and values are ones that have been instilled for so long.  It's almost impossible to simply say well I don't believe it anymore simply because I want to experience sex.  Even if I did walk away from this teaching and value that has been so significant for so long, I'm not going to have intercourse with the first girl I meet who's willing. It would be too much of a waste and I may end up feeling worse. I've waited all this time, does it make sense to keep waiting? But for how long?  
 

 

It feels like there is just no way out and this seemingly endless wait is set to continue.  

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Hey there and welcome! I'll share with you my story. I hope it'll help you. I'm 27, so I can totally understand where you're coming from and the frustration you feel. The pressure to get married is strong!

 

I remember having moments when I find out that the guy I'm currently dating isn't a virgin. My first passing thoughts have been: "What was the whole point of ME waiting all this time then?!?!?!" I felt like I've been slighted, like the universe was playing a cruel joke on me -- making me like someone, only to have that ideal image shatter... After my sadness subsided, I got down to trying to figure out WHY I was feelign that was... It was because I really liked him and really cared about him...and wanted to share that special moment of giving ourselves to each other on our wedding night (yes, yes, I'm a hopeless romantic!).

 

But then he wasn't the right guy for me, and this sex issue always hovered in our relationship... After being put through such a challenge, I came out even more solid in my convictions. You mentioned that you tried earlier this year to have sex with the girl you were dating, ask yourself how you came to that decision... Is it because you felt like that was what she wanted? Were you pressured in any way?

 

So, I guess you should really think about your personal reasons for wanting to wait until marriage to make love. I know that really helped me put things into perspective -- because then it helped me udnerstand what I REALLY want and need in a lifetime partner -- someone whose values are aligned with mine.

 

Wish you all the best!

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Very interesting story. First off, welcome to the site.Though I am only 21, I sort of feel your pain. Up until recently it seemed like all my friends were in serious relationships and I was not. I used to think what was wrong with me, why don't guys want me. But the funny thing is once I let go of my timelines and where I should be at in my life, I became me. Soon after that, I found my current boyfriend. And now several my friends are married or getting married, but I realize I am nowhere near ready for marriage. I do eventually want to settle down, but not at least for the next 3 yrs(which I know what put me at 24 and still younger than you are now, but I did say at least 3 yrs from now). 

 

I will say this, it seems like you're confused as to whether you want to wait until marriage or not. If I were you I wouldn't do anything until you're sure. That way if you decide to wait you won't have done anything you will regret. Either way, you are welcome here and I know many people here will be here to listen anytime you need them.

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Welcome to the site/community first of all.

Secondly, dude I totally understand your frustration as I'm turning 27 in just about 4 hours my time. I'd have thought I'd be married and enjoying many years as a happily married couple prior to beginning a family.

However as a Christian man, I believe maybe God has a purpose for delaying my plan, for his own.

I don't know what it could be, but I suppose it's for my good.

I say the same to you, that there's a purpose in waiting and in the end you'll realize it. You can't see the end of the story, while you're reading the book, right?

And yeah one more point, does it seem like dating is very difficult at best as we get older, as guys trying to hold ourselves to a standard?

It's sort a like women our age almost want/need to sleep with a guy to feel like the relationship is solid. And when you tell her that you're waiting till marriage, she becomes, well it's almost like, the stereotypical gender roles, or societal imposed ideal off the experienced guy and inexperienced girl are reversed.

And by the way I'm not a demanding, "virgin only" kinda guy, all I'd ask is, that she'd wait with me.

Anyhow,the best advice I can muster tonight is remember that if it all pans out the way it's "supposed" to, then married life should significantly out-weigh single life. And finally, in the end, she'll be worth it, right?

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Hi! Welcome to the community.

 

I can tell that you are feeling really stressed about all of this. I can relate, as can many of the other members. I've been there too, and I'm sure I'll be there again. This can be a very lonely road, and the journey is all the more frightening because we cannot see our destination clearly. We do not have any certainty about whether this path will lead us safely home, or whether it will send us off the edge of a cliff.

 

I will not promise you that you will get married. I will not promise that you will find the perfect woman, and soon. I cannot see the future, and it would be cruel to give guarantees on things I have no power to control. I believe that God loves you. I also believe that God is not in the business of satisfying our every desire. And I know that he certainly does not work according to our schedule. But he does work to our good, often by saying "not yet."

 

I was just having a conversation on here a few days ago with a friend about how disappointed we were that life wasn't going according to our plans. We had each had a lovely time-frame laid out for our lives, and both of us had been sure when we were younger that we would be married now. We each knew many wonderful people our age and younger who were already married. How did we get missed? How would marrying later than we wished mess up our lives? You are not the only one to have these concerns. My only answer to this fear is faith. I know that you would like to have a clear answer from God, a burning bush, a message from an angel. Heck, you'd probably like for your future spouse to be brought forth to you on a cloud and plopped down right into your waiting arms. So would I. So, I think, would most of us here. But faith is believing when we cannot see any proof laid out before our eyes.

 

While I am sure that having sex now rather than continuing to wait would give you some temporary relief, I cannot believe, based on everything you've said, that it would bring you lasting joy and satisfaction. I really fear that you would regret it, and that this regret would eat at you in harmful ways.

 

I think that basing your whole decision to wait solely on obedience to God is rather dangerous. It is like putting all your eggs in one basket, and on days like this, where you are so angry at God that you wish you'd never heard of him, you feel like throwing that basket at the wall. I urge you, not to eliminate your faith as a reason to wait, for it is a very important reason, but to brainstorm what other reasons you have that accompany this one.

 

For example, borrowing from one of my earlier posts elsewhere, here are some of my reasons for waiting:

 

- As a hopeless romantic, I love the idea of being able to tell my husband I have saved this part of me for him and him alone.
- As a shy person, I would only feel comfortable being naked with someone who had pledged himself to me.
- As a fragile person, I wouldn't want to share the special bond with someone that sex creates, only to have him leave me. Yes, my husband could still divorce me, but it is more likely that a boyfriend would leave me than a husband. I want a commitment, and I like to get things in writing!
- As a future parent, I want to encourage my children to wait, and I need to lead by example.
- As a future wife, I want my husband to trust my fidelity, and the best way to do so is to be faithful to him before marriage.
- As a future lover, I want to only be thinking of my husband when making love; I don't want to ever compare him to anyone else, even unintentionally. Plus, I want to have lots of fun sex with my husband; I don't want to be bored with sex before I walk down the aisle.
- As a future girlfriend, I want my relationship to be based on getting to know each other better, and I think that sex, especially sex earlier in the relationship, would distract from that goal. Plus, I don't want to stay in a bad relationship because of good sex, and, what with my sex drive, I would probably be willing to put up with a lot just to have moments of pleasure.
- As a girl in the dating scene, waiting is a really effective way to weed out guys who only want to use me for sex.
- As a Christ follower, I want to show my obedience to God and my trust in his plan for my life, whether that plan includes marriage or not.
- As a pragmatist, I want to avoid STDs and unplanned pregnancies, and waiting is a very effective method of prevention.
- As a daughter, I am inspired by my parents' choice to wait for marriage during the five years that they were dating, despite the fact that many of their peers did not share this lifestyle; at an early age, they encouraged me to wait, and I think they know what they are talking about.

- As a woman, I wouldn't feel right sleeping with someone who could very well be someone else's future husband. After all, I don't want some other woman sleeping with my future husband. It would seems almost like I was committing adultery.
- As a rebel, I like going against the norm. Yes, most people do not wait. But that is no reason for me to not wait. It is kind of fun to do something shocking and unexpected. "Everybody's doing it!" "I'm not." "What?!?!?" *brain explodes*
- As a human, I think that waiting helps me to develop qualities I hope to have, such as patience and strength. Plus, when I make up my mind to do something, my confidence grows as I follow through on that decision.
- As a single person, I think the fact that I am not seeking sex makes me less likely to enter bad relationships just to "get lucky." And the fewer bad relationships I'm in, the more time I have to concentrate on other things I like to do, like reading, painting, and traveling. My life already has enough drama; I don't want to add to it.

 

Some of these reasons may not apply to you; others may. But as you can see, I have many reasons for waiting, which makes me feel more secure in my decision, even on days when I am further from God, or on days when I have less faith that I will ever marry. You see, I am not sure I will ever marry. I'd like to think that I will, but I am not certain. But even if I never marry, this standard of purity is one to which I aspire to live my life. Even if I never find a husband, I believe that refraining from sex outside of marriage will make me a better person than indulging in it would.

 

I need to relax my schedule for my life, my "ideal time-frame." You should too. Comparing ourselves to others tends to lead to disappointment. If God intended for us to all have the exact same life, the same story, then why did he go to so much trouble to make us all unique? Also, I know 30 feels very old indeed, but we have more members above that age here than you might expect.

 

I advise you to not make any hasty decisions, particularly about things you won't be able to change should the results disappoint you. I invite you to stick around the community here, and witness how many people can relate to what you are going through. You are not alone. I also strongly encourage you to find a few older, married men at your church or in your community and ask them to mentor you; I believe they could be a really blessing to you with their wisdom, and I am certain you would find much relief in being able to talk to them about your frustrations. Perhaps seek counsel from your pastor. You are not the first to be tempted sexually, nor are you the first to be angry with God.

 

You are in my prayers. I know this is a scary time for you. I can tell that you are seized with panic. Hold on. Be still. Take courage. It is going to be okay. Maybe not in the way you imagine, but I believe it really will be okay in the end. Hang in there. Don't turn back. Don't surrender. Fight for what you believe in, and walk by faith. Also, continue to seek out support. That's what we are all here for. We don't have all the answers, but we do care.

 

P.S. This is a good article: "The Top 11 Awesome Benefits of Waiting Until Marriage"  Good luck!

P.P.S. This is also helpful: "5 Things to Do While You're Waiting." I personally find exercise to be helpful.

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Hello- it's been a while since I've been on the site but I wanted to just add a small note to this conversation to share with everyone (as this applies to anyone single!)

 

When I was single, I wasn't too happy about it. Yes, I was very young, but I had convinced myself that I was going to end up alone since I wanted to wait and I would be the one single friend in her 30's while everyone else was married with kids. I wasn't completely desperate, but I was really looking for someone. 

 

After quite some time of trying way too hard to find someone with similar values as mine, I stopped looking. I became happy with who I was, and what I wanted. I realized that when I was meant to find someone, I would. I was very happy being single. 

 

That happiness and confidence that I felt was something that radiated off of me. It drew people to me and I made new friends and  within months of finally being happy with myself and my life, I found my husband. 

 

Become one with yourself first, find your inner peace, and become happy. Project positivity and others will be drawn to it.

 

(Caveat: I'm not guaranteeing you'll find someone instantly, it may take a while. I just know it worked for myself and my husband as well).

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It absolutely irks me when people imply  that single people aren't happy with themselves are projecting negativity and that is why they are single.

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I can relate to you in many ways . Though I am female and have the added pressure of   the biological clock. I have my days too. It's normal. I'll be 29 in a few months and thought I'd be married and a mother by now.

I get frustrated. Wonder why I am waiting. Wonder why it's taking so long to meet Mr. X. , To feel like I'm missing out . Ther have been moments when I'm down right angry or sad about it etc etc

 

I know what it's like to need to rant or vent.

 

You know what? That's ok. We're human beings meant to have a wide range of emotions. It's healthy.  Personally, I'm a bit suspicious of folks that claim to be 100% happy and positive all the time. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes waiting simply sucks.

 

No lecture from me.

 

But something that helps me sometimes is to think of waiting as a book "The Story of Us" and right now is the while we were becoming stages each of you doing your solo thing then Bam! One day we'll meet and start  the chapters of us together. I don't know if or when that will happen, but sometimes that helps me.

 

As for if you should continue waiting

 

All I will say is you don't have to be a Christian to wait. You can be completely non religious.   You also don't have to wait at all.

 

I can't  choose for you  but whatever way you choose don't let guilt or fear be your motivator.

 

For me waiting has to come from with it can't because your religion, your parents, siblings, friends etc they can all be great inspiration but it has to be something you want for yourself.

 

Cheers!

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Hello- it's been a while since I've been on the site but I wanted to just add a small note to this conversation to share with everyone (as this applies to anyone single!)

 

When I was single, I wasn't too happy about it. Yes, I was very young, but I had convinced myself that I was going to end up alone since I wanted to wait and I would be the one single friend in her 30's while everyone else was married with kids. I wasn't completely desperate, but I was really looking for someone. 

 

After quite some time of trying way too hard to find someone with similar values as mine, I stopped looking. I became happy with who I was, and what I wanted. I realized that when I was meant to find someone, I would. I was very happy being single. 

 

That happiness and confidence that I felt was something that radiated off of me. It drew people to me and I made new friends and  within months of finally being happy with myself and my life, I found my husband. 

 

Become one with yourself first, find your inner peace, and become happy. Project positivity and others will be drawn to it.

 

(Caveat: I'm not guaranteeing you'll find someone instantly, it may take a while. I just know it worked for myself and my husband as well).

How long after you stopped looking did you meet your husband? I ask kind of out of curiosity. I can't say I've ever really looked for a girlfriend and I've yet to meet anyone. Then again, I'm only 21 and wouldn't really want to be married now anyhow. (Honestly, I've only just begun starting to actually consdier dating). Still, I do wonder how long it took, since, as I've said, I haven't looked and no one has ever come into my life.

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I'm somone who didn't lose their virginity until I got married at 35.  So I can relate to your experience of being a virgin later in life. 

 

As I read your first post a couple questions come to mind.  Why is it so important to you to lose your virginity?  Is having sex simply something you have on your To-Do list?  Sure you could go out and find some willing girl, heck you could even hire a prostitute, but what would that mean?  You can check  "had meaningless sex" off your list. 

 

Now I'm not saying that it wouldn't be a pleasurable experience.  It could be an amazingly pleasurable experience.  But I'm guessing that given your values, that the situation would eat a hole in your soul.  I've never had sex before or outside of marriage but I'm guessing that if I did I would feel terrible and it would do a lot of damage to my relationship with God. 

 

As a married person I can say that sex deeply connects you with your spouse.  The beauty of sex is that it expresses in a physical way the commitment you have made to your spouse.  It's the idea of "one flesh" that the Bible talks about. 

 

Now I do hear in your words, the pain of being single still.  I understand that in Christian culture there is a huge pressure to get married.  The church really sucks at providing community for older single people.  But I challenge you to question this pressure.  First of all, I can attest to the fact that marriage is very challenging.  Look at how many marriages end in divorce nowadays.  You really want to be wise in committing to marriage.  You don't want to rush into it.  I personally think that being married to someone who is not a good match for you is worse than not being married at all. 

 

Second, I want to challenge the message that single people are somehow less that married people.  Or that something is wrong with you if you aren't married.  That message is so far from the truth!  I truly believe that single people can live a very fulfilling life.  When I wasn't married I was involved in Christian ministry for 6 years in Central Asia.  I had a lot of flexibility and freedom as a single person and in some ways I believe it made me more useful than my married teammates.  God used me to connect deeply with those I was serving in a way that he couldn't have had I been married. 

 

I challenge you to ask God what he's asking from you right now.  How does he want you to be faithful to him right now?  How is he looking to use you?  What is he trying to teach you?  Developing your character and becoming more like Jesus will make you all the more a better husband when the time comes. 

 

I want to finish off by acknowledging your pain.  Being single is often accompanied by huge loneliness.  When I was single there were times I could feel the pain of loneliness so strong in my chest I would simply lay on my bedroom floor, feeling crushed by it.  I don't want to make light of your pain or your struggle.  I strongly believe that God sees your pain.  Take it to him.  Yell at him.  Read a few of the psalms of lament.  Cry out to God and then do your best to listen to what he says in return.  There have been times where God has showed up in ways that I least expected. 

 

And keep sharing here.  There are many people here who understand you. 

 

PS I hope that it's OK that I gave you such a Christian response.  Since you mentioned a lot about faith in God I answered from that perspective (which is my own perspective as well).

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How long after you stopped looking did you meet your husband? I ask kind of out of curiosity. I can't say I've ever really looked for a girlfriend and I've yet to meet anyone. Then again, I'm only 21 and wouldn't really want to be married now anyhow. (Honestly, I've only just begun starting to actually consdier dating). Still, I do wonder how long it took, since, as I've said, I haven't looked and no one has ever come into my life.

 

It was about 6 months for me, and 1 year for him.

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It absolutely irks me when people imply  that single people aren't happy with themselves are projecting negativity and that is why they are single.

 

I didn't imply that at all. I was simply relaying my own personal experience and what had worked for me. 

 

My best advice is that positivity can definitely benefit your life in many ways and there is no harm in trying to remove any negative thoughts from your mind to replace them with positive ones. It's difficult at times, but with some work, you can remove some of the negativity, and it will benefit you immensely. :)

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This post is awesome!  I am 31, still a virgin.  I was feeling insecure/bitter about that today.  I've also had opportunities.  But, this post made me realize I'm not alone in my frustration.

 

I do feel God's timing is perfect.  I am a happy single person right now.  I don't want my self-pity to get the best of me.

 

You're in my prayers frustratedandfedup1.  I believe in my heart of hearts that you will find the right woman and will cherish your wedding night as your first time. 

 

I understand your frustration, but trust in God.  Things will pan out for you and all of us older waiters. 

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One way I cope is this website.  Everyone on this website is over all really cool.  It makes me feel cool as well.  I find a lot of support here. 

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I honestly think that she has not shown up yet. Maybe you aren't meant to get married until your 30's or 40's. Even though I'm only nineteen I feel the same way. Don't let your anger get to the best of you. Keep yourself busy until the right woman comes along. You're a great guy so please don't think you'll be a single virgin until the day you die because you won't. 

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I think we all should be bloody proud of ourselves that we have got to this stage of life, having dealt with all the pressures of the teenage years and early twenties, with our resolve intact! I know for a fact that this decision has made me a stronger person and I'm glad I haven't wavered. The only fly in my ointment is the fact that I am very keen to have children as soon as possible and as we all know it gets more difficult as a woman gets older. That said, I have a few more years before I really need to worry and so if I have to wait a bit longer then so be it. I just have to believe that it will all be worth it in the end!

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