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Guest Katie

Questions for non-virgins who have decided to WTM

4 posts in this topic

Hi Everyone!

I am a 23 year old woman who has decided to WTM, but I have had sex before. I wanted to start this discussion to find out more about the other non-virgins on here (I guess I was just curious), and I have a few questions for you guys and girls:

How many partners have you had sex with?

What made you change your mind and decide to wait till marriage?

Do you think it's harder to wait, having had sex before?

Have your partners been understanding of your decision?

Are you waiting to marriage to have any sexual contact, or will you be having "anything but" sex during your relationships?

Do you think not being sexually active has improved the quality of your romantic relationships?

Do you think you will end up getting engaged/married more quickly once you find "the one", so that you can be intimate with them?

Do you worry about marrying someone, only to find out that you are sexually incompatible?

I'll answer some of these for myself:

I have had one sexual relationship, with my ex-boyfriend. Growing up, no one in my family ever talked about sex, and the idea of waiting till marriage was never mentioned outside of a religious context (Catholicism). None of my friends waited, and I never thought about waiting either. However, I was quite guarded when it came to any form of sexual contact, and I was hoping to wait for "the one". When I started dating my ex, at the age of 21, I was SO SURE we would get married one day, and we had sex. But then, a year a half later, I realized that deep down I wasn't happy with him, and we broke up. Now, I feel guilty for not waiting for my future husband...almost like I cheated on him, even though we haven't met. I am hoping that, when I find him, he will be accepting of my past. I know firsthand that "retroactive jealousy" is a really awful thing, as I had a really hard time thinking about the fact that my ex had been with 4 girls before me. I always wondered if he compared us, and now I'm scared that my future husband will have those same feelings. However, I am really determined to wait, no matter how long it takes. I believe that waiting will make my future relationship and marriage stronger. Without sex in the beginning, we will really be able to communicate, even about difficult things, and make sure we agree on major issues (money, children, where to live, etc.) before taking the next step (marriage). I do worry a little about sexual incompatibility, because I have a high sex drive and I would hate to be sexually frustrated in a marriage (this was a major issue for me in my relationship). However, even that seems like something that can be candidly discussed before tying the knot.

Thanks so much for reading...I know this is a long post, but I would love to hear from you all!!

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Hey Katie, welcome to the site :)

 

I want to first mention and applaud that you come off as very level headed, mature, and wise -- many folks who have experienced your circumstance become bitter and choose to ignore the wisdom they could have gained. Great question!

 

Anyway, I haven't had intercourse before, but I have had oral sex, so I thought I might go ahead and share my opinion anyway FWIW :)

 

How many partners have you had sex with? 2. (and one involuntarily)

 

What made you change your mind and decide to wait till marriage? My very first love/relationship became too physical. As the favors went up, the emotional connection went down. I didn't feel loved after a while. We had lost sight of what was really important, and lost our bond. My religious beliefs helped push it, as well. I knew it didnt have its place outside of marriage. Besides the religion, it seemed liek the right thing to do for my love anyway. I want it to be special, more cherishable... I can go on and on, but I'll return later :)

 

Do you think it's harder to wait, having had sex before? No, I think it's easier because I don't have the curiosities anymore, and I know exactly what can go wrong, and that' it is all absolutely real. PLus my experiences were not very gratifying. Other than enjoying the fact that I was pleasuring my love, my experiences were eh, so I'm not feeling rushed to go around looking for some gratification, lol. I'm looking very much forward to really sharing with only one person, who wants to make me feel good as well.

 

Have your partners been understanding of your decision? One has -- and actually did want to refrain from the "favors" for a while, which I was kind of disappointed with at the time ( I mean, a guy, turning down something like that? Crazy!) but it was a good thing. We ultimately broke up though, and I really regretted it. Lesson learned. 

 

Are you waiting to marriage to have any sexual contact, or will you be having "anything but" sex during your relationships? Originally I didnt think it would be such a big deal, but now it's somewhere around over the clothes only!

 

Do you think not being sexually active has improved the quality of your romantic relationships? Absolutely. Though physical intimacy can strengthen the emotional bond, committing ourselves to each other made it much more stronger than that.

 

Do you think you will end up getting engaged/married more quickly once you find "the one", so that you can be intimate with them? Yes and no. If I really feel like this guy is the one, I think I'm going to feel relaxed and safe -- I know he will always be there, so I wont feel rush. Of course, I'll really want to jump this guy, but again, I'll have that confidence.

 

Do you worry about marrying someone, only to find out that you are sexually incompatible? Not at all. As rookies, it'll be awkward at first. In love, we'll work on it. If we have the emotional and general physical chemistry in a normal, non sexual, relationship, I dont see why it wouldnt be just as great, or much stronger married in bed. 

 

 

Okay, so thats most of what I wanted to basically share :) I might drop in again an add a few more things! Hope this helped share some insight :)

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On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

How many partners have you had sex with?

1

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

What made you change your mind and decide to wait till marriage?

I was a waiter for 28 years for religious reasons, however, I no longer believe in those religious reasons. So I could go both ways on waiting. If I met a women I wanted to marry and she was a waiter, I would have no problem waiting again.

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think it's harder to wait, having had sex before?

No, not for me. In fact it is easier for me to wait now that I have had sex. I think waiting and being a virgin is a lot more difficult.

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Have your partners been understanding of your decision?

I have had one serious relationship and I consider that a partner...I asked her out of curiosity one day when we were together if she could have waited...she said she could have possibly waited but only if we got married within 6 months lol. Ultimately, she did not think she could hold out for that long.

While I don’t consider dating someone a partner…they are similar. When I was a virgin waiter and dating, all but 2 of the Christian women I met on Christian Mingle and OKC immediately cut off all communication when I told them I was a virgin and had been waiting for marriage. No matter how well the dates went, I’d never hear back from them. However, Catholic women for some reason were far more receptive and willing to sit down and discuss the topic and did not cut off all communication…still not sure why that is?

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Are you waiting to marriage to have any sexual contact, or will you be having "anything but" sex during your relationships?

I will probably start dating soon and like I mentioned before, I can now go both ways on waiting. However, if the women I am dating is a waiter and wants to ONLY kiss, there is no way in hell that will be happening. I have an abnormally high sex drive and that would be hell for me to just stop at kissing…That would be like taking a recovering alcoholic to a free wine tasting lol. so she will be getting handshakes and high fives at the end of the night.

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think not being sexually active has improved the quality of your romantic relationships?

If I was dating, DEFINITELY NO! It will have the opposite effect and make the relationship way more difficult. Having an extremely high drive clouds my thinking and judgement…It’s like being under the influence of a drug or alcohol. Having sex allows me to think clearly and level headed. I will not have the enormous distraction of trying to suppress the innate, biological drive to have sex.  

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think you will end up getting engaged/married more quickly once you find "the one", so that you can be intimate with them?

Ohhh gosh this question is what terrifies me about waiting. I don’t want my sex drive to have any influence on the most important decision of my life. It’s like that saying…Never make a decision when you’re angry...That’s because you don’t want your emotions to cloud your judgement when making critical decisions that require logic.

My problem is I can’t lessen my drive and there are times when I just wish I could turn it off. When I was younger, I saw a few of my friends rush into marriage because they really needed to have sex and ended up marrying the wrong person. They even did pre-marriage counseling but in the end, they still got divorced.  

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you worry about marrying someone, only to find out that you are sexually incompatible?

No. While I am mostly guessing on this part…I think some of sexual compatibility can be determined by talking about your ideas, views and expectations. You just have to be totally honest about everything when having this discussion and leave nothing out. I think this will give you a good idea of compatibility but by no means is it a guarantee.

Sexual satisfaction would be the issue I would be more concerned about…Not necessarily my satisfaction because I’m super easy to please…But rather my hypothetical wife’s satisfaction because women can be a lot more difficult to sexually satisfy.

I used to have a lot of female friends and coworkers and to my surprise, an alarming number of them were open about frequently cheating on their male counterparts or were very sexually frustrated but did not cheat. They often complained about how their partner met their emotional needs but was unable to satisfy their sexual needs…No matter how much they loved the guy, it just wasn’t enough.

If I was going to marry a non-virgin waiter, it is important I meet her criteria/preferences for sexual satisfaction….If I do, then awesome! I have nothing to worry about…If I do not fit her criteria for satisfaction, then I also have nothing to worry about. I would simply move on and continue to looking for someone else. For me one major benefit I like in a non-virgin is the fact she knows her body and mind in a sexual capacity. She will know exactly what she needs from a man to be sexually satisfied.

I would hate marrying a virgin and then find out later on in our marriage that I am not what she needs to experience true sexual satisfaction...And for the people that say stuff like..."She won't know what she's missing....bla bla bla" You have to be selfish as F*&! to think that way. Anyway, fortunately most women in the age range I would date are not virgins…so that massive unknown would be unlikely for me.

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On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

What made you change your mind and decide to wait till marriage?

I wanted to.  I thought it was a great idea to save something special for someone special.  

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think it's harder to wait, having had sex before?

No. The two are equal. It's all in the decision. 

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Are you waiting to marriage to have any sexual contact, or will you be having "anything but" sex during your relationships?

I want to wait on everything.  I also want to get married.  I'd rather not have long term relationships that went nowhere. 

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think not being sexually active has improved the quality of your romantic relationships?

Absolutely.  My celibacy has helped shape who I am today.  It's a decision that says I am worth the wait.  And people who agree with that tend to be respectful individuals.  I am more lonely though, but I've made it this far. 

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think you will end up getting engaged/married more quickly once you find "the one", so that you can be intimate with them?

Yes, within reason. I'm older too and know what I want in a life partner. But sex is something that is hard to get off my mind, and I want to share this with my husband. 

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you worry about marrying someone, only to find out that you are sexually incompatible?

Absolutely no.  Love is love - there is nothing incompatible about that.  Plus, I don't need much at all to be happy and satisfied in that way.  I'm kind of lucky like that and hope my husband will think it is A-OK too. 

 

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