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Guest Katie

Questions for non-virgins who have decided to WTM

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Hi Everyone!

I am a 23 year old woman who has decided to WTM, but I have had sex before. I wanted to start this discussion to find out more about the other non-virgins on here (I guess I was just curious), and I have a few questions for you guys and girls:

How many partners have you had sex with?

What made you change your mind and decide to wait till marriage?

Do you think it's harder to wait, having had sex before?

Have your partners been understanding of your decision?

Are you waiting to marriage to have any sexual contact, or will you be having "anything but" sex during your relationships?

Do you think not being sexually active has improved the quality of your romantic relationships?

Do you think you will end up getting engaged/married more quickly once you find "the one", so that you can be intimate with them?

Do you worry about marrying someone, only to find out that you are sexually incompatible?

I'll answer some of these for myself:

I have had one sexual relationship, with my ex-boyfriend. Growing up, no one in my family ever talked about sex, and the idea of waiting till marriage was never mentioned outside of a religious context (Catholicism). None of my friends waited, and I never thought about waiting either. However, I was quite guarded when it came to any form of sexual contact, and I was hoping to wait for "the one". When I started dating my ex, at the age of 21, I was SO SURE we would get married one day, and we had sex. But then, a year a half later, I realized that deep down I wasn't happy with him, and we broke up. Now, I feel guilty for not waiting for my future husband...almost like I cheated on him, even though we haven't met. I am hoping that, when I find him, he will be accepting of my past. I know firsthand that "retroactive jealousy" is a really awful thing, as I had a really hard time thinking about the fact that my ex had been with 4 girls before me. I always wondered if he compared us, and now I'm scared that my future husband will have those same feelings. However, I am really determined to wait, no matter how long it takes. I believe that waiting will make my future relationship and marriage stronger. Without sex in the beginning, we will really be able to communicate, even about difficult things, and make sure we agree on major issues (money, children, where to live, etc.) before taking the next step (marriage). I do worry a little about sexual incompatibility, because I have a high sex drive and I would hate to be sexually frustrated in a marriage (this was a major issue for me in my relationship). However, even that seems like something that can be candidly discussed before tying the knot.

Thanks so much for reading...I know this is a long post, but I would love to hear from you all!!

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Hey Katie, welcome to the site :)

 

I want to first mention and applaud that you come off as very level headed, mature, and wise -- many folks who have experienced your circumstance become bitter and choose to ignore the wisdom they could have gained. Great question!

 

Anyway, I haven't had intercourse before, but I have had oral sex, so I thought I might go ahead and share my opinion anyway FWIW :)

 

How many partners have you had sex with? 2. (and one involuntarily)

 

What made you change your mind and decide to wait till marriage? My very first love/relationship became too physical. As the favors went up, the emotional connection went down. I didn't feel loved after a while. We had lost sight of what was really important, and lost our bond. My religious beliefs helped push it, as well. I knew it didnt have its place outside of marriage. Besides the religion, it seemed liek the right thing to do for my love anyway. I want it to be special, more cherishable... I can go on and on, but I'll return later :)

 

Do you think it's harder to wait, having had sex before? No, I think it's easier because I don't have the curiosities anymore, and I know exactly what can go wrong, and that' it is all absolutely real. PLus my experiences were not very gratifying. Other than enjoying the fact that I was pleasuring my love, my experiences were eh, so I'm not feeling rushed to go around looking for some gratification, lol. I'm looking very much forward to really sharing with only one person, who wants to make me feel good as well.

 

Have your partners been understanding of your decision? One has -- and actually did want to refrain from the "favors" for a while, which I was kind of disappointed with at the time ( I mean, a guy, turning down something like that? Crazy!) but it was a good thing. We ultimately broke up though, and I really regretted it. Lesson learned. 

 

Are you waiting to marriage to have any sexual contact, or will you be having "anything but" sex during your relationships? Originally I didnt think it would be such a big deal, but now it's somewhere around over the clothes only!

 

Do you think not being sexually active has improved the quality of your romantic relationships? Absolutely. Though physical intimacy can strengthen the emotional bond, committing ourselves to each other made it much more stronger than that.

 

Do you think you will end up getting engaged/married more quickly once you find "the one", so that you can be intimate with them? Yes and no. If I really feel like this guy is the one, I think I'm going to feel relaxed and safe -- I know he will always be there, so I wont feel rush. Of course, I'll really want to jump this guy, but again, I'll have that confidence.

 

Do you worry about marrying someone, only to find out that you are sexually incompatible? Not at all. As rookies, it'll be awkward at first. In love, we'll work on it. If we have the emotional and general physical chemistry in a normal, non sexual, relationship, I dont see why it wouldnt be just as great, or much stronger married in bed. 

 

 

Okay, so thats most of what I wanted to basically share :) I might drop in again an add a few more things! Hope this helped share some insight :)

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I'm not going to answer all the questions, but I will give you some input and perspective of the non-virgin Waiting.

 

Having sex before marriage never provided the relationship I was seeking.  I learned that WTM really tests a man's character.  Sex clouds and deceives the authenticity of a relationship. 

 

It's not easy. 
What I mean by that is waiting as a non-virgin can be hard to find a place to fit in.  People WTM for very different reasons.  For me, WTM is for ALL people and is encouraged as such with this site's creator, Mike.  (He writes the articles too!)  But the hard part is that many people who wait for marriage just want a virgin and the purest kind of sexual relationship which neglects the non-virgin and the other AWESOME values of WTM.  So that's the hard part.  Not always fitting in. 

I have not dated anyone since I have made the commitment to WTM.  For one, WTM is a rare quality and many people are in fact not willing to wait.  I like the idea of having a pure mind and finding a man who commits to the purity of the mind is a very attractive ideal.  For example, a man who refuses to look at pornography while he's WTM is quite honorable to me.  I am single because I have literally just weeded out the majority of men by WTM.  Lonely?  eh.  Worth it?  SO worth it!  The waiter is not the majority and I don't want a guy who is a dime a dozen.  I want a man of integrity.  If they waited for you, they are more likely not to cheat on you either. I have been cheated on and I'd rather be single than for that to happen again.

Is having sex before make it harder to wait?  Not in the least bit.  I know how important it is.  It is about a future spouse, not about sex.  And it is about respect for myself.

I am limiting all sexual contact until marriage.  I may allow kissing but not making out.  (I'm not really into that anyway)

 

What do I think about sexual compatibility?  I like to think it is about love and not sexual compatibility, but I do think it can play a defining role.  For example, they might like freaky stuff and I... don't.  I like to keep it simple.  And some people like to have long-enduring sex and some don't.  And some think that a spouse ought to have sex whenever the other wants it and some think it is on a completely volunteer basis.  So, yes, I think sexual compatibility does make a difference. But I don't think having sex before marriage is any solution to this.

Does WTM make the non-virgin want to get married quicker?  Well, yes sometimes!  But I highly recommend dating for a year before tying the knot.  Rushing anything is not generally a good thing, especially marriage and sex.

I'm so happy to see that you have made the commitment to WTM because I know how valuable that commitment is. 

Waiters unite!

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But the hard part is that many people who wait for marriage just want a virgin and the purest kind of sexual relationship which neglects the non-virgin and the other AWESOME values of WTM.  So that's the hard part.  Not always fitting in. 

 

 

 

I'm quite certain the many you refer to that wait for marriage want more than just the purest kind of sexual relationship, to suggest that's all they want seems a little unfair to me and unrealistic as well. And I've seen nobody to represent that on this forum who is currently using it. While some may be vocal about wanting to marry a virgin I believe their reasons reach well beyond the 'purest sexual relationship'. Sex is part of the relationship and not isolated to it. I don't see how those who want to marry a virgin are neglecting non-virgins or denigrating the value of non-virgins waiting until marriage. Also, it seems from this forum, that a good percentage of virgins, both girls and guys, are open to marrying non-virgins.

 

But I do agree with you, WTM is a highly ethical thing to do whether you've had sex before or not. And can guard against many problems that can ensue if you don't WTM including finding a man who is truly with you for the best reasons. I also agree that WTM is something anyone can do on an equal level whether they've had sex before or not.

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RYB and Queen--thanks for your posts! I appreciate the insight from both of you :) and you reaffirmed my decision to WTM!

Queen-I know what your mean about struggling to fit in. IAG, I think she was saying that some WTM because they want to be their partner's "one and only". That's totally fine, but there are a ton of other benefits too (like better communiction, building a stronger relationship foundation, etc.) which you can become more aware of after being a relationship.

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IAG, I think she was saying that some WTM because they want to be their partner's "one and only". That's totally fine, but there are a ton of other benefits too (like better communiction, building a stronger relationship foundation, etc.) which you can become more aware of after being a relationship.

 

Fair enough, but I still don't think anyone who is WTM and also wants to marry a virgin is doing it only because they want to be their partner's one and only. At least I believe that's true for guys. I think they understand this will also serve as a foundation for other benefits such as the ones you cited. You can easily deduce these benefits without having been in a prior relationship.

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IAG,
I stated "many people".  It wasn't an absolute statement.  There is a difference between adding input and refuting. 

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  But the hard part is that many people who wait for marriage just want a virgin and the purest kind of sexual relationship which neglects the non-virgin and the other AWESOME values of WTM.  So that's the hard part.  Not always fitting in. 

 

I don't think it's totally unfair to say this, but I also can't say I know it's entirely accurate. I can't speak for anyone else, but I can speak for myself. To me, my wife and I both being virgins is by far the most important aspect of waiting until marriage to me. I do believe there are other benefits, but I believe (for the most part) all of the other ones can be overcome, even if waiting is more ideal and safer. People cite STD risks and pregnancy risks, but, honestly, if you are smart about how you have sex, these risks really are not something you have to worry about. Of course, tons of people aren't smart about it, but that's another issue. As far as getting to know one another without sex clouding things, I agree on this one, but don't think you necessarily have to wait all the way until marriage for this to work. Part of me would like to assert that it's better to wait all the way until marriage, but I feel like there are a lot of great marriages in which the couples had previously had sex in the relationship. Another benefit I see is the fun of delaying gratification for the wedding night, but I see that as a more temporary pleasure than only ever having one another as their partner.

 

I wouldn't say I disregard the other benefits of waiting until marriage, but I will agree that I focus a ton on the virginity factor.

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What's more important?  Helping Katie (or anyone else) feel welcome by addressing her topic and supporting her values on WTM or refuting virginity, again?!  WNY and IAG have made it VERY clear on where they stand in many previous threads.  So be it.  This isn't about virginity, this particular post is about WTM.  Respect the thread.

Add your perspective, add your input, but it is not about  "I agree with this statement. I don't agree with this statement."  It's not about refuting and being right or wrong.  It's about perspective.  My post was my perspective.  You don't have to agree.  Add your own ideas.

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What's more important, WNY.  Helping Katie (or anyone else) feel welcome by addressing her topic and supporting her values on WTM or refuting virginity, again?!  You and IAG have made it VERY clear where you guys stand.  So be it.  Let others discuss.  This isn't about virginity, this particular post is about WTM.  Respect the thread and its participants.

Add your perspective, add your input, but it is not about  "I agree with this statement. I don't agree with this statement."  It's not about refuting and being right or wrong.  It's about perspective.  My post was my perspective.  You don't have to agree.  Add your own ideas.

Honestly, I thought I was backing you up by saying you had a point. I was taking what you were seeing and explaining a possible reason why it comes across that way. Plus, I did agree that it is better to wait, even if you aren't a virgin, so I think I could be helping Katie by saying that.

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No worries, everyone! I know everyone is supportive of each other here. Sometimes it's easy to misunderstand written things--we all know how that goes! But no one should take anything personally :)

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sigh..  refuting again.  Well, I said it.  I'm not saying it again.  Sweep under the rug all you want. 

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I do not understand why some people believe it is necessary or appropriate to argue with, debate, and otherwise try to dictate someone else's responses on a personal questionnaire about how that person feels. Here, someone is being brave enough to bare her soul, and share her honest challenges and emotions, and you dare to tell her that she is expressing herself wrong? Good grief!

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No worries, everyone! I know everyone is supportive of each other here. Sometimes it's easy to misunderstand written things--we all know how that goes! But no one should take anything personally :)

Katie-Since you are the original poster, I will leave the choice to you. If all or part of my post seemed unnecessary, I will delete it.

 

I do not understand why some people believe it is necessary or appropriate to argue with, debate, and otherwise try to dictate someone else's responses on a personal questionnaire about how that person feels. Here, someone is being brave enough to bare her soul, and share her honest challenges and emotions, and you dare to tell her that she is expressing herself wrong? Good grief!

Someone can be wrong in something they say. This doesn't necessarily have to do with my post, but I will defend part of IAG's. He wasn't challenging her emotions, but the way he read her sentence regarding people who want only virgins. That sentence can be read in a few ways and maybe there was a misunderstanding (like Katie said, they happen) and Queen wasn't saying something IAG disagreed with and it just sounded like that to him. Or, maybe he was right in what he thought she was saying and simply wanted to point out that people who want only virgins may want it for reasons other than what she stated and that wanting only a virgin and maybe even wanting it for that reason doesn't necessarily equal neglecting the other reasons, in the sense that it means the person does not acknowledge other reasons exist. I suppose I could work really hard and clarify this more and explain all the ways the sentence could have been taken, but I think maybe it's better (well, at least easier) to just move past it.

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I do not understand why some people believe it is necessary or appropriate to argue with, debate, and otherwise try to dictate someone else's responses on a personal questionnaire about how that person feels. Here, someone is being brave enough to bare her soul, and share her honest challenges and emotions, and you dare to tell her that she is expressing herself wrong? Good grief!

 

I think you're mischaracterizing this. I only responded to one sentiment in everything she said and agreed strongly with another.  A blanket statement was made that many WTM who also desire a virgin are JUST doing it because they want the 'purest kind of sexual relationship'. I felt that assumption was over the top and unfounded. Admittedly, I originally thought Queen was mostly referring to virgins who are WTM and wanted to marry a virgin (hence the neglecting non-virgins statement). Even if that was no where in her mind which I fully contend may be true, I still think this assumption isn't true. Someone who just wanted a virgin, I would assume, wouldn't go to the trouble to WTM. WTM demands a lot of sacrifices and if someone is only interested in getting a virgin, I doubt they would go through the many sacrifices that WTM demands. People can easily have a sex life while on the hunt for a virgin.

 

My disagreeing with Queen's assertion in no way "dictates" someone else's response. I feel 'debate' and 'argue' and the notion that I even suggested she expressed herself wrong is also out of place. While I would agree with you that what I said wasn't necessary (no post in a forum is) I don't think it was inappropriate. I just really disagreed with the sentiment and wanted to express my opinion. I did so respectfully and thoughtfully. I also think it's worth noting that I left this thread alone after I made my comments and had no intention of returning and saying anything else until you made your comment, Wandering Washingtonian. This only further supports my assessment that I wasn't on the prowl for a debate or argument.

 

Regarding it being a 'personal questionare'. Well, I had no intention of getting involved in the discussion, but I thought the blanket statement characterizing 'many' people in the WTM community was so over the top that I wanted to express my opinion on it. Had it been just some random sentiment, I wouldn't have felt the need to express my opinion.

 

Wandering Washingtonian, I really do appreciate your feedback on this. I can't say I see it the way you do, though, because I don't feel what I did is what you say I did. All I did was disagree with a sentiment and I feel you colored it in a way that doesn't represent what actually happened. I am having a hard time seeing that I did anything wrong based on circumstances. Nevertheless, I will take into consideration your feelings on this and anyone else who has something to say about it and I'm open to reaching a different conclusion about my expressing my opinion in this thread.

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On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

How many partners have you had sex with?

1

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

What made you change your mind and decide to wait till marriage?

I was a waiter for 28 years for religious reasons, however, I no longer believe in those religious reasons. So I could go both ways on waiting. If I met a women I wanted to marry and she was a waiter, I would have no problem waiting again.

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think it's harder to wait, having had sex before?

No, not for me. In fact it is easier for me to wait now that I have had sex. I think waiting and being a virgin is a lot more difficult.

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Have your partners been understanding of your decision?

I have had one serious relationship and I consider that a partner...I asked her out of curiosity one day when we were together if she could have waited...she said she could have possibly waited but only if we got married within 6 months lol. Ultimately, she did not think she could hold out for that long.

While I don’t consider dating someone a partner…they are similar. When I was a virgin waiter and dating, all but 2 of the Christian women I met on Christian Mingle and OKC immediately cut off all communication when I told them I was a virgin and had been waiting for marriage. No matter how well the dates went, I’d never hear back from them. However, Catholic women for some reason were far more receptive and willing to sit down and discuss the topic and did not cut off all communication…still not sure why that is?

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Are you waiting to marriage to have any sexual contact, or will you be having "anything but" sex during your relationships?

I will probably start dating soon and like I mentioned before, I can now go both ways on waiting. However, if the women I am dating is a waiter and wants to ONLY kiss, there is no way in hell that will be happening. I have an abnormally high sex drive and that would be hell for me to just stop at kissing…That would be like taking a recovering alcoholic to a free wine tasting lol. so she will be getting handshakes and high fives at the end of the night.

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think not being sexually active has improved the quality of your romantic relationships?

If I was dating, DEFINITELY NO! It will have the opposite effect and make the relationship way more difficult. Having an extremely high drive clouds my thinking and judgement…It’s like being under the influence of a drug or alcohol. Having sex allows me to think clearly and level headed. I will not have the enormous distraction of trying to suppress the innate, biological drive to have sex.  

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you think you will end up getting engaged/married more quickly once you find "the one", so that you can be intimate with them?

Ohhh gosh this question is what terrifies me about waiting. I don’t want my sex drive to have any influence on the most important decision of my life. It’s like that saying…Never make a decision when you’re angry...That’s because you don’t want your emotions to cloud your judgement when making critical decisions that require logic.

My problem is I can’t lessen my drive and there are times when I just wish I could turn it off. When I was younger, I saw a few of my friends rush into marriage because they really needed to have sex and ended up marrying the wrong person. They even did pre-marriage counseling but in the end, they still got divorced.  

On 7/3/2013 at 11:29 PM, Guest Katie said:

Do you worry about marrying someone, only to find out that you are sexually incompatible?

No. While I am mostly guessing on this part…I think some of sexual compatibility can be determined by talking about your ideas, views and expectations. You just have to be totally honest about everything when having this discussion and leave nothing out. I think this will give you a good idea of compatibility but by no means is it a guarantee.

Sexual satisfaction would be the issue I would be more concerned about…Not necessarily my satisfaction because I’m super easy to please…But rather my hypothetical wife’s satisfaction because women can be a lot more difficult to sexually satisfy.

I used to have a lot of female friends and coworkers and to my surprise, an alarming number of them were open about frequently cheating on their male counterparts or were very sexually frustrated but did not cheat. They often complained about how their partner met their emotional needs but was unable to satisfy their sexual needs…No matter how much they loved the guy, it just wasn’t enough.

If I was going to marry a non-virgin waiter, it is important I meet her criteria/preferences for sexual satisfaction….If I do, then awesome! I have nothing to worry about…If I do not fit her criteria for satisfaction, then I also have nothing to worry about. I would simply move on and continue to looking for someone else. For me one major benefit I like in a non-virgin is the fact she knows her body and mind in a sexual capacity. She will know exactly what she needs from a man to be sexually satisfied.

I would hate marrying a virgin and then find out later on in our marriage that I am not what she needs to experience true sexual satisfaction...And for the people that say stuff like..."She won't know what she's missing....bla bla bla" You have to be selfish as F*&! to think that way. Anyway, fortunately most women in the age range I would date are not virgins…so that massive unknown would be unlikely for me.

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