Animdre

How to Get Over the Feeling of Disgust

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Sometimes when I meet a girl I like, and I find out she has been in multiple relationships or just a different lifestyle. I have trouble getting over a feeling of disgust. I don't see her the same way I would see a virgin woman, and sometimes I feel sad and a little jealous. Sometimes I feel downright unattracted to women who have gone a little far in their love lives. I know it's not right to have these feelings, but I don't know how to rewire my brain to get rid of them. 

 

Anyone have any tips or tricks? I want to date only virgin women the rest of my life, but they are kinda hard to find in my area. So, I might end up falling in love with someone non-virgin, and I don't want these feelings to continuously sabotage my chances at a happy life.

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Understand that people are different and unique. People's lives take them strange places, they do strange things. People do have a right to have as much sex as they want with whoever they want. I understand your feelings, though; you feel like promiscuous women do a disservice to themselves. But its their choice; they made it, and they'll have to live with the consequences. Your preference for virginal women is absolutely your right (and quite wise if you ask me), just be careful to never preach or shove your ideologies down someone else's throat. Trust me, those types are torment to be around.

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 I know it's not right to have these feelings, but I don't know how to rewire my brain to get rid of them. 

 

So, I might end up falling in love with someone non-virgin, and I don't want these feelings to continuously sabotage my chances at a happy life.

 

You don't have a right to have those feelings? Says who?

 

I don't know how this notion gets thrown around, but it's absurd. If you don't have a right to prefer a virgin girl, then why do others have a right to judge those who prefer a virgin? Who here holds the truth?

 

The reality is nobody holds the truth on this because reality is not absolute. How you see things will vary to how others see things. Some people easily (or more easily) overlook virginity because it's not important or as important to them. But it is to you. Are they right and you are wrong? Or, alternatively, is it just true that you and they see things differently? I'd argue the latter.

 

If you have a desire to rewire your brain, then I give you my blessings! However, I can tell you quite sincerely that virginity is a deal-breaker for me and I feel not a single, solitary grain of sand of shame for it. I just know who I am and what I want. However, it should be noted, I'm also a virgin.

 

One thing that I find irresponsible is when others say "Oh, you should just get over it.... let it go." Well, is that really fair to the person you're going to be with if she isn't a virgin? What if it's not in your nature to get over it because this is something you really, really want? If it's something you really, really want then it's less of a matter of forcing yourself to get over it and more a matter of having enough respect for the non-virgin girl to avoid the relationship if you suspect it will hurt the relationship down the road. That girl deserves better than that!

 

If you think you can get over this hurdle and you want to, by all means try and I give you my full support. But if you ultimately realize that you simply can't... then do not get into a relationship with a non-virgin girl as I would only imagine that it will end up being disastrous and totally unfair to her. She deserves better than that.

 

To be clear... I do not look down upon non-virgin girls. I do not see them as less valuable. I merely do not want to get into a romantic relationship with one. That's a distinction I think is important to be made.

 

Also, I suggest that if you ever find out a girl isn't a virgin, try your best not to make her feel bad for it. It's absolutely your right not to get into a relationship with her on account of her not being a virgin. But you should absolutely respect her feelings, too, just as you respect your preference. She shouldn't feel bad about being a non-virgin just as you shouldn't feel bad about having a strong preference for a virgin. 

 

I think it's always important to be very, very careful with other people's feelings while at the same time having respect for your own deal-breakers. 

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The same thing happens with me; whenever I find out a girl I like is not a virgin, she instantly becomes unattractive to me. 

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Hmmmmmm. Interesting discussion, IAG. "Rewire your brain". Ha ha I like that great expression can I steal it ? Ok cards on the table for me I have respect for a lady who admits her mistakes, is sincere in saying she wished things had been different and wished she had waited for our love to have come along. As I would equally. Given that and convinced that she was. "The one" I would forgive and accept things as they are. Im not saying that is an easy thing to do ! Its not but can work.

All the best. Col.

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You don't have a right to have those feelings? Says who?

 

I don't know how this notion gets thrown around, but it's absurd. If you don't have a right to prefer a virgin girl, then why do others have a right to judge those who prefer a virgin? Who here holds the truth?

 

The reality is nobody holds the truth on this because reality is not absolute. How you see things will vary to how others see things. Some people easily (or more easily) overlook virginity because it's not important or as important to them. But it is to you. Are they right and you are wrong? Or, alternatively, is it just true that you and they see things differently? I'd argue the latter.

 

If you have a desire to rewire your brain, then I give you my blessings! However, I can tell you quite sincerely that virginity is a deal-breaker for me and I feel not a single, solitary grain of sand of shame for it. I just know who I am and what I want. However, it should be noted, I'm also a virgin.

 

One thing that I find irresponsible is when others say "Oh, you should just get over it.... let it go." Well, is that really fair to the person you're going to be with if she isn't a virgin? What if it's not in your nature to get over it because this is something you really, really want? If it's something you really, really want then it's less of a matter of forcing yourself to get over it and more a matter of having enough respect for the non-virgin girl to avoid the relationship if you suspect it will hurt the relationship down the road. That girl deserves better than that!

 

If you think you can get over this hurdle and you want to, by all means try and I give you my full support. But if you ultimately realize that you simply can't... then do not get into a relationship with a non-virgin girl as I would only imagine that it will end up being disastrous and totally unfair to her. She deserves better than that.

 

To be clear... I do not look down upon non-virgin girls. I do not see them as less valuable. I merely do not want to get into a romantic relationship with one. That's a distinction I think is important to be made.

 

Also, I suggest that if you ever find out a girl isn't a virgin, try your best not to make her feel bad for it. It's absolutely your right not to get into a relationship with her on account of her not being a virgin. But you should absolutely respect her feelings, too, just as you respect your preference. She shouldn't feel bad about being a non-virgin just as you shouldn't feel bad about having a strong preference for a virgin. 

 

I think it's always important to be very, very careful with other people's feelings while at the same time having respect for your own deal-breakers. 

You've nailed it. We're unique. Some guys like an experienced women. Other guys are repulsed by them. Personally I'd rather she was a virgin. That's the beauty of life aint it? We're different and you're right you can't have a go or make her feel bad in anyway. Mutual respect should be important in these matters. As for 'just let it go' again you're right, for some it's easy for others it eats away inside at them. Stupid piece of advice!

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It's tough to say. If it's something that you don't want to bother you, then maybe it is possible to get over it. I have virginity as a dealbreaker, but I don't want to get rid of it as a dealbreaker (regardless of if I could or not). If you actively want to, then maybe it's possible. I'm not sure. Maybe just focus on the positives of the relationship? Maybe talk to the girl about it and have her assure you that she wouldn't be thinking of past lovers (if that is one of the reasons you have it as a dealbreaker)?

 

Those are my suggestions, but I'm not sure if they are good nor not. On the other hand, you don't necessarily have to get rid of it as a requirement. For one, there may be more virgins/waiters than you know of where you live. You probably don't walk around asking people if they are virgins or not. Also, if there really is a ridiculously tiny amount, you could maybe travel to meet someone or meet someone over the internet. If you're really ambitious (and if it ever makes sesne for you) you could even move somewhere else where more waiters live.

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I wish I hated my own sins as much as I hate the sins of others, but sometimes it is easy because I've never slept with someone else. Some suggest I am not unattractive, and opportunity has certain arisen, but I believed I was preserving something for my future bride. If I thought she was not returning the favor, I would find it more difficult to justify my decision. In fact, to further the sin, I would want to break my own gift to spite her for breaking hers. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

 

That being said, I think there's a distinction between moral behavior and personal preference. That is, asserting or holding an opinion that sex outside of marriage is always wrong, versus the personal preference to marry only someone who has abided by the same principle.

 

As far as preferring someone who has waited...that's our prerogative. The world is a series of costs and benefits. If you want to benefit from having a nicer car, the costs are higher. If you want to benefit from having spur-of-the-moment sex in the back of a car, you foreclose on the opportunity of breathtaking anticipation and mind-blowing fulfillment which comes from saving yourself for your wedding night and giving yourself to only one person, the one to whom you're married. And, sorry, that's the way I look at it. You made your decision: cheap sex. Now you have to live with it. I don't want you. If that ticks you off, then fine, you are free to be as disgusted by my reaction as I am by your action. I know it sounds harsh, but bear in mind this world carries a stigma and mockery for someone trying to do the right thing, and I have tolerated that scorn for years. Pardon me if I'm a little disgusted by someone who's just like everyone else. I am trying to keep my mind open to what God wants for me, and to bear in mind some people were not raised under the same rules as I was, but it still doesn't matter. Consequences are consequences.

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Same here. It breaks my heart the moment I know or suspect it and can't help feeling jealous. It makes her less attractive yet I wish it was different. What is worse if if I like a girl so much and she is currently in a relationship like that. I hurts so much

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Hey Guys,

 

I have a series of “hypothetical scenario” questions for you. They’re all multiple-choice.

 

Scenario #1 - You meet the woman you’re waiting for. She’s the ideal, beautiful virgin waiter-till-marriage that you’ve dreamt of your whole life, and you’re madly in love with her. You're dating. You’re engaged to be married. You’ve never been happier. 

 

You look around at other people in their relationships. You see people who are having sex in all their relationships (some even without commitment), and you see people who had lots of sex in the past and then chose to wait later in life, born-again-style. Given your current happiness with your true love, what are you more likely to think of these people?

 

A: I think that they’re throwing away (or threw away) everything that could have made them special, and that my current happiness validates my superiority.

 

B: I don’t actually pay much attention to them. I’m too absorbed in my own happiness to care about other peoples' romantic decisions. If anything, I guess that everybody takes their own path to happiness, and now that I’m happy, I hope that other people can succeed too, even if it's through their own weird paths.

 

Scenario #2 - Two different girls are in love with you. You have to marry one of them. They’re both beautiful and smart. One of them --- Girl A --- matches your personality effortlessly. She makes you laugh, gets all your references, offers you deep insight when you’re having a problem, and enjoys all of the same activities as you. She’s accustomed to having sex in relationships, but she’s willing to wait with you because she loves you.

 

The other girl --- Girl B --- is waiting till marriage. She’s a wonderful girl, but (if you’re honest with yourself) you don’t vibe with her as famously as you do with Girl A. She doesn’t understand you quite as well. You enjoy talking to her, but she doesn’t instantly engage you the way Girl A does. But because she's waiting, Girl B shares that big important value with you, and she can fulfill your original WTM fantasy of marrying another virgin.

 

Which girl do you marry? Fifty years from now, which girl will make you more happy?

 

Scenario #3 - A born-again virgin reads the post you made in this thread. After years of failing to find meaning in casual flings and non-waiter relationships, she’s decided to wait until marriage from here on out, and she feels her heart filling up with some of those noble ideals that can make waiters such inspiring people. After reading sentiments in this thread like “You chose cheap sex in the past. Live with the consequences. I don’t want you. You're instantly unattractive to me.” what is her reaction more likely to be?

 

A: She decides that you are right. She deserves this kind of tough love for her mistakes. She may not be able to earn a guy of your caliber, but that’s her fault. Hopefully she can find a lesser guy to tolerate her despite her past, and maybe find a small pinch of redemption if she's lucky and God is forgiving. But really, she should spend more time reflecting on her mistakes and what they cost her.

 

B: She feels sick at first. Sick and wounded, like she’s been punched in the stomach. After a few minutes tumbling your words over in her head, she lies down and starts crying. She feels awful and ashamed and convicted for her past. And she knows you’re right. She’ll never be redeemed. She’ll never find more meaning. She’ll never make this waiting thing work. She gives up, and goes back to having sex in relationships. At least non-waiters won’t make her feel so condemned.

 

Scenario #4 - You say to a girl in real life what you’ve said in this thread. She starts crying in front of you because she feels so convicted and ugly for her own past decisions. How does that make you feel?

 

A: Triumphant. “And you deserved it, slut.”

 

B: Apologetic. “I was just venting. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

 

Be careful about what you say in public threads. You don’t know who you might hurt. It's normal to prefer somebody like you. It’s normal (especially when you’re young) to take your loneliness out on other people with extra-harsh words. But please try to keep this kind of venting confined to private messages. I want you to get the support and validation you need here at WTM.org, but I don't want you do so at the expense of hurting people.

 

Also, when it comes to a romantic partner, it will take more than waiting alone to make you happy, and sometimes those other qualities are even more important. Don’t forget that your happiness is the goal, and be open to it coming from unexpected places.

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Scenario #1 - You meet the woman you’re waiting for. She’s the ideal, beautiful virgin waiter-till-marriage that you’ve dreamt of your whole life, and you’re madly in love with her. You're dating. You’re engaged to be married. You’ve never been happier. 

 

You look around at other people in their relationships. You see people who are having sex in all their relationships (some even without commitment), and you see people who had lots of sex in the past and then chose to wait later in life, born-again-style. Given your current happiness with your true love, what are you more likely to think of these people?

 

A: I think that they’re throwing away (or threw away) everything that could have made them special, and that my current happiness validates my superiority.

 

B: I don’t actually pay much attention to them. I’m too absorbed in my own happiness to care about other peoples' romantic decisions. If anything, I guess that everybody takes their own path to happiness, and now that I’m happy, I hope that other people can succeed too, even if it's through their own weird paths.

 

B, everyone deserves to be happy. The past is the past and the present is the present. Sex is only a mistake if you make it one. If you enjoyed, loved, or appreciated the sex you had in the past. Then it's made you a better person and is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Scenario #2 - Two different girls are in love with you. You have to marry one of them. They’re both beautiful and smart. One of them --- Girl A --- matches your personality effortlessly. She makes you laugh, gets all your references, offers you deep insight when you’re having a problem, and enjoys all of the same activities as you. She’s accustomed to having sex in relationships, but she’s willing to wait with you because she loves you.

 

The other girl --- Girl B --- is waiting till marriage. She’s a wonderful girl, but (if you’re honest with yourself) you don’t vibe with her as famously as you do with Girl A. She doesn’t understand you quite as well. You enjoy talking to her, but she doesn’t instantly engage you the way Girl A does. But because she's waiting, Girl B shares that big important value with you, and she can fulfill your original WTM fantasy of marrying another virgin.

 

Which girl do you marry? Fifty years from now, which girl will make you more happy?

 

A, of course my reasons for waiting have nothing to do with my own personal feelings of willing to wait. I wait because I love. If there had been a woman more incredible than Asryll (there wasn't, and isn't), then I would disregard her past and love her for who she is.

 

 

Scenario #3 - A born-again virgin reads the post you made in this thread. After years of failing to find meaning in casual flings and non-waiter relationships, she’s decided to wait until marriage from here on out, and she feels her heart filling up with some of those noble ideals that can make waiters such inspiring people. After reading sentiments in this thread like “You chose cheap sex in the past. Live with the consequences. I don’t want you. You're instantly unattractive to me.†what is her reaction more likely to be?

 

A: She decides that you are right. She deserves this kind of tough love for her mistakes. She may not be able to earn a guy of your caliber, but that’s her fault. Hopefully she can find a lesser guy to tolerate her despite her past, and maybe find a small pinch of redemption if she's lucky and God is forgiving. But really, she should spend more time reflecting on her mistakes and what they cost her.

 

B: She feels sick at first. Sick and wounded, like she’s been punched in the stomach. After a few minutes tumbling your words over in her head, she lies down and starts crying. She feels awful and ashamed and convicted for her past. And she knows you’re right. She’ll never be redeemed. She’ll never find more meaning. She’ll never make this waiting thing work. She gives up, and goes back to having sex in relationships. At least non-waiters won’t make her feel so condemned.

B, if I told someone that because of their past they were worthless to me. It's like I'm telling them they're a criminal when it comes to relationships. That they've broken the law and are less than human in my eyes. 

 

 

Scenario #4 - You say to a girl in real life what you’ve said in this thread. She starts crying in front of you because she feels so convicted and ugly for her own past decisions. How does that make you feel?

 

A: Triumphant. “And you deserved it, slut.â€

 

B: Apologetic. “I was just venting. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.â€

If I was hard on non-waiters it would be B.

 

 

 

A quick note about 4. In most cases for me, it would be a combination. I can mean what I say while still regretting I said it. It's something I have to work on. Right and wrong is subjective to everyone, however just because something is right to you, does not mean you should be verbally assaulting others who disagree.

 

There are no absolutes in life, the only absolute is death. 

 

Quick apology to anyone I offended in the other volatile thread open right now, it's a sensitive subject for me as my best friend is gay. And I have many gay friends. And sorry Mike, I'm trying to be good! I swear!

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I'm not sure if you actually want answers to your hypothetical questions, but I will answer them. To your first question, it's probably somewhere between A and B, but leaning more towards B. I wouldn't stop thinking that I did it the better way just because I have what I want and I would believe that there is something more special about my sex life since we were both virgins, but I would still want others to be happy. In fact, I wouldn't discount the possibility that in other ways their relationship is actually better than mine (not because they didn't wait, but in other aspects of the relationship). To you second question, I would go with choice B. Having that special connection is extremely important to me and that would override clicking more with woman A. I fully accept that this could create challenges in our relationship, but I'm fine with that. It's just something that important to me. As far as how I would feel 50 years later? Well, I think I would probably remember that it was something just that important to me and that I would have been forever disappointed if I had given up on it. As to your third question, it would depend on the person. In fact, the array of reactions would span beyond the two choices you posted. I don't think saying I have virginity as a dealbreaker or saying I believe it will make something about our sex life more special is that bad of a thing to say, though (that is what I, personally, have said and am saying in this thread). Of course, I probably wouldn't go around telling this to women in real life. Conversely, on a website where we discuss waiting until marriage and what is important in a relationship for us, I feel it is appropriate to bring up. Now to answer the last question. If, for some reason, I did tell a woman in real life that I have virginity as a dealbreaker and explain to her why I do, I probably would feel bad if she started crying. I mean, I would believe that it is a result of her decision-making in the past, but at the same time I wouldn't want to crush her or make her feel terrible about herself. Break-ups can be tough for a variety of reasons, and her not being a virgin due to her past choices is just one of many. Similarly, I accept that there are things about me that may make me unsuitable for some women.

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I mean, no offense, but I'm not too interested in false dichotomies and loaded questions designed to force an alternate conclusion. If there's any place on the internet where fellow virgins can confide their frustration, disappointment and even disgust, it should be here. There's plenty of places for married couples seeking resolution, broken people searching for renewal, and the rest of the world still mindlessly chasing sex.

 

Unless I'm wrong, this is a haven for the few of us still trying to keep our heads held high while being pelted by Glamour magazine, Abercrombie & Fitch and Kim Kardashian. I recognize some come here to recommit, and I'm proud of them, but there's different perspectives there. It's tough living in a world which soaks itself in sex, mocks those that don't, and then expects us to be forgiving when they finally get their head screwed on straight. So again, if we can't hash out some of the brutal honesty and ugly reality that goes with the territory, where did you expect us to go?

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Nobody should be looked down upon.

 

Nobody should have to feel that they are less than someone else because of their past or because of their desires.

 

Nobody with virginity as a deal-breaker should be looked down upon or should have to feel like they have some kind of deficiency.

 

Nobody who is a non-virgin but is now waiting until marriage should be looked down upon or should have to feel that they are deficient.

 

We are all equal.

 

That sums up how I feel.

 

 

 

 

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