Miss_Sadie

"Waiting is too hard!"

29 posts in this topic

My first post here is one of frustration. I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall here. My past couple relationships have been with really awesome guys that I enjoyed so much to be with. I am very up front about the fact that I am waiting for marriage, and because they were cool guys, it was totally fine by them. For a while. That's the way it always seems to be. They're really gung-ho about it in the beginning, but as time goes on, they lose their edge. They thought they could do it, but now they can't. It's too hard. "I'm a man, I have needs!" 

 

Not only does this make ME feel like I myself am not good enough to make them happy without sex, but I feel like I have lost a couple of really wonderful people in my life because of it. I know, I know, there is the cliche "It wasn't meant to be" but the pain of losing people you love over something like that never seems to get easier. 

 

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I'm just so distraught because I recently had this discussion with a man I've been seeing who claims to love me but can't deal with the sexual frustration. He's had sex before, so he is always stressing how because I've never experienced it, I don't understand how difficult it is to go without when you are with someone you are attracted to. I don't want to lose him, but I will not compromise here.

 

So for you men who know what it feels like to experience that need, what can you tell me? Is this really as impossible as these guys are making it sound? If this is really so difficult for him, should I just let him go? This has been the topic of numerous arguments and cry-fests for me, and I need someone I'm not emotionally tied up in to explain it to me and offer a little insight. 

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If a guy is unwilling to wait for you, what makes you think he will end up marrying you if sex itself is too much of a sacrifice for him to make for you? If he can't make the sacrifice of waiting for you, is there then a greater likelihood that he'll just go ahead and take your virginity and the relationship will never ultimately lead to marriage? The answer to that question: I don't know. But it's absolutely worth contemplating and doesn't seem like a good sign to me.

 

There is always the alternative, too. If you've been dating a while and he really loves you, why not get married? Why wait?

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Well the ones you lost weren't so wonderful then, if they can't wait, they aren't worth it.

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I'm a virgin and have never dated, but it's not like I don't ever have desires. It probably is more tempting when you're with someone and when you're in love with them, but I really don't think that means they can't wait. There are non-virgins who waited with people who wanted to wait until marriage, so it's not like it's impossible. It probably is difficult (maybe more for some than others, even), but it's not impossible.

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Never compromise your values. It's either he respects your boundaries or make him eat the curb (or whatever that expression is). Us guys may have a strong physical desire for sex, but it's not as difficult to not have it as some claim it to be. Society just likes to tell the lie that guys are all pigs and need sex like oxygen. I'm a guy, my sex drive through the roof and I want it bad. But I've gone 28 years (and counting) and I'm doing fine. I'm committed to waiting till marriage.

 

Usually it's girls who use WTM as a way of knowing which guys are the real deal and those who just want sex. Lots of guys will tell you they're okay with it at the beginning because they figure that's what you want to hear and eventually you'll give in. But the right kind of guys will not only respect your decision, but they will also keep you accountable to your standard too. Don't buy into the lie that you have to give a guy sex just to get him to stay. Because I guarantee you if you give in without him marrying you, chances are he'll leave you high and dry once he gets what he wants. There are guys who will wait for you and truly mean it. Don't settle and wait for that guy.

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I'll try and help, if I can. I've never had sex, but I have experienced the "need." One thing that can make it feel impossible is being alone together and doing things that could potentially lead to sex. Even if it's just making out heavily or cuddling, it arouses him and it really could feel like he has to go further. It's not impossible though, by any means. If he's constantly whining about his "needs", then it sounds like maybe he's in denial of your decision and thinks he can change your mind (I mean, it happens all the time). If he knows where you stand on this, and doesn't break up with you, then he is declaring that he is willing to wait. There should be no complaining because it's his decision as well at that point.

 

It's important that you not become insensitive to his desires. His desires are strong and it should be appreciated if he's willing to wait. However, neither should you let him play the part of the victim. It is his choice to be with you, and thus it is his choice to wait.  If he isn't capable of waiting with you, then I don't see how he's capable of a lifelong commitment. Like Vince said, if he loves you enough to marry you, then he will show that by not pressuring you to compromise your values. In my opinion, if he continues to whine about needing sex and pressuring you to go further, then he is making your decision easy and demonstrating that he is not fully committed to you.

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Thanks for the input everyone. It's just so hard to let go of someone you really like, and then it gets all awkward and weird afterward and hard to stay friends. 

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I don't agree with "I'm a man. I have needs" To me, this translates as "I just hit puberty, and I can't control my urges!". I know it's easy for me to say, but the men you've been with have not been worth it. Keep searching. You will find one who is more mature and has more self-control. Keep your chin up!

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I´m not a guy, but I still wanted to say something. Hope you don´t mind.

I know what you mean and I so get your frustration, because sometimes it´s really hard to stick to your conviction when all it seems to do is to scare away some really (in all other respects) wonderful guys. 

It´s so hard and frustrating. It sucks to lose great people over the choice to WTM.

However, I strongly disagree with the "I have needs"-argument, too. To me it´s not a sound argument and I also heard it so many times.

I am always wondering: What happens when people aren´t in a commited relationship for a long time, maybe years, because a right person didn´t come along (or for whatever reason)? Does that mean they go to prostitutes or have every week another one-night stand just to satisfy their needs? Well, maybe some people do this, but certainly not all. Especially not those who value sex in only commited relationships (at least, I hope so). So do they seek relationships solely to satisfy their sexual needs? I doubt it, to be honest. But when they are in a relationship with you, suddenly they need you to satisfy their needs.

I understand where they are coming from ("I´m a woman, I have needs, too") and that not everybody feels the desire and need to wait, but to me it´s just so easy thinking on their part. 

We still have the choice to decide what we do with our needs and in which way we want to satisfy them. We are not victims of our nature, after all. That´s why the "I have needs"-argument is just a lame excuse to me. And that excuse won´t hold water.

I get that it´s hard to wait. Aren´t we waiters the ones who should know how hard it is to wait, first and foremost? Just because you wait, doesn´t mean you are asexual.

It´s really sad and upsetting when guys tell you that they are fine with waiting, but after a while they change their mind. I hate this. Maybe one should ask the guy to really, deeply think about it for a couple of days and what WTM means for the relationship.

So they can still run, before the relationship gets more serious. This still sucks, but maybe the pain is a little bit lighter!?

Like it was already mentioned, sooner or later he has to make the decision to wait for himself, too. If only one part of the relationship wants to wait, whereas the other part is really annoyed, frustrated, bugged out by it and plays the victim, it´s really bad.

In regard to your second post: Yeah, it sucks. But I guess, it would suck way more, if you had sex with the guys. Then things probably get way more awkward and weird and I guess, that it would be even harder to stay friends with them, because you shared such an intimate act with eachother, but are no longer in a relationship anymore and maybe moved on to other partners.

I certainly wish you all the best in your quest for finding a guy who is willing to wait for you and I applaud you to still sticking to your decision! That´s admirable and really hard, in my opinion.

The guys on this site are proof that even men can wait!!!

Oh and if you´re interested or haven´t already seen it: This article touches the whole "human needs" and "nature" thing and just came to my mind. Maybe your next guy can read it and get inspired or at least more understanding of your decision or get another perspective, so that he needs to think of another argument  than "I´m a man, I have needs".

http://waitingtillmarriage.org/issue-10-human-nature/

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He's had sex before, so he is always stressing how because I've never experienced it, I don't understand how difficult it is to go without when you are with someone you are attracted to. I don't want to lose him, but I will not compromise here.

 

You have described someone who pretends that WTM is fine but it is really not.  He is trying to convince you to loose your own value in WTM.  Having sex before is a ridiculous excuse to have sex again.

We deal with break ups and unfortunate experiences in life.  WTM seems to be the blame here but it really is not.  It is just highlighting your boyfriend's character.  Better this way then find out another way (which will happen eventually).  WTM is The Great Weeder.  It weeds out many, many, many men.  Even the charming ones.

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I beg your pardon to correct you, but I feel I must assert that these are not men. They are adolescent pups in heat. Our cynical generation has simultaneously spurned and pined after the concepts of romanticism, leading women to feel unreasonable to ask for a man who would walk across broken glass to save her. Woman have assented to less in men, and have almost given them permission to become the pigs and slobs they are. I hope you'll elevate your gender (and thereby elevate mine) by not doing so.

 

As usual, there is an underlying issue. It's not just about sex. It's about how a man will put his feelings, needs and wants aside to honor you. Pressuring you into surrendering something priceless and precious because he wants to get his thing cracked is a moral failing to override any other attributes you think he has to make him worthwhile.

 

Verdict:

tumblr_lsv5t8uGTL1qeo9kno1_500.gif

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"Urges" or "needs" is a pathetic excuse. It's nothing but a cliche boys use to justify having sex. If they aren't grown up enough to abandon that cliche and wait for you I assure you they aren't worthy of you.

 

Guess what? My GF and I do have what could be described as passionate makeout sessions. I feel the desire for sex, biologically speaking that's hard to escape, but it is not hard to supress at all. I'm with her because I love her, not because I want in her pants. If he can't live up to your every desire in a partner he is nothing. You've already said you've had several guys that are just great besides this aspect. What's it to ask for just one little change? I think we're waiters for two reasons. The first is we wait until marriage for sex, and the second is we wait for the perfect partner for that.

 

Good luck. You aren't the only one in this boat.

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yeah, I find that a bad excuse. Of course, most people are like "but you're a girl!" though, news flash, girls can be horny too you know!

 

I think waiting becomes easier if you have other goals besides getting laid and actually do other things whether it is school, exercise or some other hobbies. 

 

I've been kind of lucky since I'm something many have described me as possibly something called demisexual which makes me wonder if waiting is really a choice for me or not and based on how my current boyfriend behaves, I really wonder if he is the same way. Sex was never important in our relationship and we'd be perfectly find in a sexless marriage unlike what our culture dictates. Like seriously, they expect us to think a sexless relationship is bad unless you are waiting purposefully like all of us here then you have to be really, really tempted. 

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I don't agree with "I'm a man. I have needs" To me, this translates as "I just hit puberty, and I can't control my urges!". I know it's easy for me to say, but the men you've been with have not been worth it. Keep searching. You will find one who is more mature and has more self-control. Keep your chin up!

Exactly, saying "it's too hard to wait" is like saying "I think with my other head."

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Sadie, I think the problem with most people these days that have the conviction to wait until marriage is that they dont demand the same of the people they date. If im dating a girl, im not gonna ask her if its ok with her if I wait till marriage to have sex, im gonna actually ask her about her views on this. If she believes that sex before marriage is ok, ill say that I respect her choice and ask her if she wants to stay friends because I could never be more then a friend to someone that doesnt share the same conviction on a core value of mine that is part of the foundation of who I am.

 

Remember that dating someone that doesnt care if someone has pre marital sex or not is something he will pass down to your children. As you are teaching them to wait he is telling them its ok if they want to just DO IT.

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there is a big difference between someone being controlled by their hormones and someone controlling their hormones.

marriage takes sacrifices and compromise. if he can't compromise on waiting until marriage then it is not worth it. 

 

in my humble opinion, saying "it's too hard" is just so immature. waiting until marriage takes sacrifices and self discipline but it also a very noble thing. 

 

don't be discouraged by your ex boyfriends. they're your ex's for a reason. sometimes you have to kick the knuckleheads to the curb before you find your prince charming. 

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Sadie, I think the problem with most people these days that have the conviction to wait until marriage is that they dont demand the same of the people they date. If im dating a girl, im not gonna ask her if its ok with her if I wait till marriage to have sex, im gonna actually ask her about her views on this. If she believes that sex before marriage is ok, ill say that I respect her choice and ask her if she wants to stay friends because I could never be more then a friend to someone that doesnt share the same conviction on a core value of mine that is part of the foundation of who I am.

 

Remember that dating someone that doesnt care if someone has pre marital sex or not is something he will pass down to your children. As you are teaching them to wait he is telling them its ok if they want to just DO IT.

 

i completely agree with bippy123!

 

date someone who shares the same morals as you and not someone who simply tolerates them! 

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The hardest thing is not abstaining from sex (I have a high sex drive but I'll get married so patience....) but the desire to have intimacy with a woman which in my case will be premarital kissing, cuddling and doing non-sexual recreational activities together.

 

In my family, waiting is considered basic behavior.

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My first post here is one of frustration. I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall here. My past couple relationships have been with really awesome guys that I enjoyed so much to be with. I am very up front about the fact that I am waiting for marriage, and because they were cool guys, it was totally fine by them. For a while. That's the way it always seems to be. They're really gung-ho about it in the beginning, but as time goes on, they lose their edge. They thought they could do it, but now they can't. It's too hard. "I'm a man, I have needs!" 

 

Not only does this make ME feel like I myself am not good enough to make them happy without sex, but I feel like I have lost a couple of really wonderful people in my life because of it. I know, I know, there is the cliche "It wasn't meant to be" but the pain of losing people you love over something like that never seems to get easier. 

 

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I'm just so distraught because I recently had this discussion with a man I've been seeing who claims to love me but can't deal with the sexual frustration. He's had sex before, so he is always stressing how because I've never experienced it, I don't understand how difficult it is to go without when you are with someone you are attracted to. I don't want to lose him, but I will not compromise here.

 

So for you men who know what it feels like to experience that need, what can you tell me? Is this really as impossible as these guys are making it sound? If this is really so difficult for him, should I just let him go? This has been the topic of numerous arguments and cry-fests for me, and I need someone I'm not emotionally tied up in to explain it to me and offer a little insight. 

I know I'm not a guy, but I would like to point out that since those "men" say things such as ""I'm a man, I have needs!"" I think you have to realize that they are selfish. They are not considering your value on the topic. If they loved you, or have feelings for you they have to be a little bit more selfless than that.

 

A person who truly treasures you will stay by you no matter how difficult it is for them, because they value the relationship and most importantly, they value YOU. 

 

Plus, there's plenty of other ways for them to express their love for you besides doing The Deed.

 

In addition, I don't believe someone who truly cares about you should make you insecure and sad about a choice you decided to stick with. Because being in a relationship means that two individuals come together to accept their differences and their similarities and here, they are not accepting your difference by making you feel... uneasy or sad about your choice. That's not right.

 

You are a strong individual who has her own choice and independent thought and you SHOULD be valued. You ARE good enough and the right person will NEVER make you doubt that fact. NEVER. Never. Never. Never. (I'm sorry, I got to say that because I can't emphasize it enough. Never doubt yourself. I've been down that road and I can say it wasn't pretty. Sending me to depression and almost into the thought of committing suicide.)

 

Don't be distraught, don't EVER let someone push you down from standing firm on a decision that is truly YOURS. You are a good individual and you deserve better. I promise that.

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yeah, I find that a bad excuse. Of course, most people are like "but you're a girl!" though, news flash, girls can be horny too you know!

 

I think waiting becomes easier if you have other goals besides getting laid and actually do other things whether it is school, exercise or some other hobbies. 

 

I've been kind of lucky since I'm something many have described me as possibly something called demisexual which makes me wonder if waiting is really a choice for me or not and based on how my current boyfriend behaves, I really wonder if he is the same way. Sex was never important in our relationship and we'd be perfectly find in a sexless marriage unlike what our culture dictates. Like seriously, they expect us to think a sexless relationship is bad unless you are waiting purposefully like all of us here then you have to be really, really tempted. 

what's demisexual?

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what's demisexual?

Its a lack of sexual desire unless there's an extremely deep emotional connection I think.

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No I know exactly what you mean. They seem genuine in what they're saying like they honestly feel a sense of gratification from it and you can tell they're sincere but it's like it feels wrong to crossover in your heart. The last guy I hung out with was the same way and we were both upfront with the whole ideology on sex. Honestly I think part of it (Im guessing and correct me guys if this isn't right) is for guys, sex means something different. They are physical beings we are emotional, well mainly anyway...so they get it in their head that for them to feel the ego boost as a lover that they have to perform. I think guys very quickly begin to form their identity related to having a lover within the confines of having sex. It seems okay at first but then they feel like something is missing. It's kind of like (guessing again) going on a fast. You walk to the kitchen to eat and you're just like, "Wait a minute, I can't eat..." It becomes so second nature and I think that's what it's like for them because they don't realize it drags up emotions from HOW they're used to being a lover and its like they have to relearn how to ride a bike in a different way or something. Hopefully this is right cuz it was just a guess haha.

But regardless, if you're scared to lose him I would express that and try to explain the reasoning behind why he thinks its okay and why you're waiting. But yeah someone on here said to my post previously "It's the love that happens before sex" and if that's the case either you love the person or you don't so what would it matter if you have sex? But yeah definitely pray about it and express that you don't want to lose him. Guys like to hear it just as much as girls do. And if he stands by your side hes worth it and if not, who knows maybe you will soon meet your husband on the waitingtillmarriage forums.

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And Im JUST now realizing your original post was from June. Hahaha. My bad...well hopefully something I said helps someone out in some way. Lol

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Its a lack of sexual desire unless there's an extremely deep emotional connection I think.

OH! THAT'S ME TOO!

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