LonelyKnight

Marrying Someone Who Was Married Before

19 posts in this topic

I'm sure this has been debated in a previous thread, but our search function is far from diligent in helping uncover it, so if you know where that thread is, feel free to graft.

 

The question arises from an actual situation: I was concerned when my out-of-town roommate scheduled a friend of his to do some editing from our home while I was there. Being a single female, I presumed I would find some way to be gone so as to avoid being home alone behind closed doors with another female.

 

This turned out not to be practical due to my shifts, but nothing was improper. I actually found conversation with her interesting and easy. We had common interests, semi-common beliefs, and when I realized I'd left my loaded pistol on the counter and tried to cover (some people are afraid of guns) she exclaimed that she loved shooting.

 

In fact, by chance or design, we wound up discussing the frustrations of being single, and what we looked for in another mate. (I smell a trap.)

 

She essentially held to all the things I hold, right down to the WTM core. Then she mentioned that she had been previously married and that her husband simply left her, and that she adhered to the same values but that waiting was, in her estimation, "a thousand percent harder."

 

It seems the Lord keeps throwing what-if scenarios at me to see how I react, and this one was interesting. She held to purity, and nowadays the morality of divorce can be questionable and murky under the best of circumstances. I certainly don't hold her to be impure by any means.

 

But she is divorced, and yet she isn't a virgin. Nor was she in the best of traditions on beauty.

 

I don't ask for advice, but rather use it as a springboard for discussion: Do you think you'd be okay marrying someone in this situation?

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No, I would not married a divorced woman. I wouldn't marry a widow, either. I might elaborate more another time.

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It really depends on why she divorced. In this case, it wasn't her fault. Her ex walked out on her. To me, that is the equivalent of cheating. If she cheated or was abusive in anyway that caused the divorce, then no way. I will not marry a cheater or an abuser. It would also depend on her emotional state afterwards. If she is an emotional wreck and has a huge distrust in men, then probably not. But if she has grown wiser from it, then it's no problem.

 

When it to virginity, you all know that it's not a deal breaker for me. That's not to say it wouldn't hurt like hell knowing a piece of her will always bee with another man (or men), but I'd work through it. But I think it would be a little to accept if she lost it within marriage since I would view it as losing it "the proper way." At least that tells me where her heart was in regards to valuing purity.

 

Seeing how you and I have similar beliefs, I'd reckon she would be similar to me as well. To top things off, she's a woman who loves to shoot! What more can a man ask for? lol. I would be a fool not to jump on that opportunity.

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Proceed with caution and remain skeptical. She tells you her ex walked out on her, but that's all that is: her side of what happened. Don't really mean to imply foulness or be needlessly pessimistic, but as everyone here should know, marriage is far too great a risk and investment to end up tying the knot with the wrong person. Know you didn't ask for advice, what the hey.  :P

 

And no, divorced women are a no-go zone for me...right up there with single moms.

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I wouldn't. There's nothing problematic with a divorced woman. Not even remotely. But considering it wouldn't make me comfortable, I'd be a very bad match for her. Someone who is comfortable with this would be a good match.

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I said I might elaborate a little more, so I guess I will. As tons of posters already know about me, virginity and lack of sexual experience is incredibly important to me. So, even if a woman was divorced for an incredibly good and valid reason, I would not want to be with her, as she is sexually experienced. It doesn't matter to me how it happened. It happened and that's that.

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Not advice for you Lonelyknight (as you didn't ask for it), but if someone was in a scenario such as yours I would recommend they listen closely to her in conversation.  Is she saying she is WTM after the other person said it, merely parroting everything they say first and manipulating the rest.  'Is her value system independent of my value system?'

I do think there are honest and good people that have been divorced, but there are many people who are divorced because they don't have good relational skills (such as loyalty and sanity ;) ).

Also, and I don't know if this applies to the lady in the story or not, but I don't understand when a guy leaves a girl.  In court, only one may divorce another (even uncontested divorces), and statistically most times women divorce the man.  My mind would wander to why she didn't see it coming or didn't have good enough communication to see what the problem was prior.  I could be wrong.

So, no, I would not marry the average divorced person as there are so many red flags.   But I do believe that it can work in some cases.  And even in rare cases, it can work quite beautifully. 

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No, I've stated before that I want to marry a virgin. I wouldn't waive that requirement even for a widow, much less a divorcee. And I wouldn't be comfortable with being someone's second husband as I myself have never been married yet.

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Wow, this is quite interesting! I was just reading a previous thread about dating someone with kids and most guys seemed to be okay with it (most gave positive responses) and it seemed they would be willing to give it a try but when it comes to being divorced/widowed  the whole outlook changes and it seems no guy wants to go there.

 

I mean what's the difference?  I just don't see much difference between the two scenarios- If you have kids it means there must have been a man before in the picture, so what makes it different  is it the title divorced/widowed or what??   *just curious*  :)

 

 

 

 (Spelled definently wrong again, someone please tell me how to spell it)

It is spelt d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y   :)

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Wow, this is quite interesting! I was just reading a previous thread about dating someone with kids and most guys seemed to be okay with it (most gave positive responses) and it seemed they would be willing to give it a try but when it comes to being divorced/widowed  the whole outlook changes and it seems no guy wants to go there.

 

I mean what's the difference?  I just don't see much difference between the two scenarios- If you have kids it means there must have been a man before in the picture, so what makes it different  is it the title divorced/widowed or what??   *just curious*  :)

 

Well, I don't know what the other men think, but I wouldn't go for either and I don't see a difference.

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I mean what's the difference?  I just don't see much difference between the two scenarios- If you have kids it means there must have been a man before in the picture, so what makes it different  is it the title divorced/widowed or what??   *just curious*  :)

 

I actually haven't noticed this inconsistency. It seems to me that those who were willing to date/marry a woman with children are also willing to do the same with someone who has been previously married. I don't see the inconsistency you speak of in this thread but maybe I'm mistaken.

 

However, one thing I have contemplated, is what people would feel more comfortable doing:

 

Marrying a divorcee or marrying someone who's never married but lost their virginity outside of marriage? I've concluded most would feel far better about the latter than the former which is, in some ways, ironic because within the context of religion the person who only lost their virginity within marriage lost their virginity properly instead of "sinfully" which would be the case of losing your virginity outside of marriage.

 

People view marriage as this amazingly close bond; however, if an unmarried couple is having sex, then in some ways, they have the identical bond a married couple does. So you could argue there is no difference between a couple having sex that isn't married and a couple having sex that is. Sex seems to be a primary symbol of marriage. Since that's the case, is it any wonder that sexual past is a deal-breaker for some?

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I would marry a man who was divorced or a widower.  I also wouldn't mind if he had children from previous relationships, regardless of whether or not those children were born in or out of wedlock.  So long as he's willing to wait for me, I'm happy.

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Wow, this is quite interesting! I was just reading a previous thread about dating someone with kids and most guys seemed to be okay with it (most gave positive responses) and it seemed they would be willing to give it a try but when it comes to being divorced/widowed  the whole outlook changes and it seems no guy wants to go there.

 

I mean what's the difference?  I just don't see much difference between the two scenarios- If you have kids it means there must have been a man before in the picture, so what makes it different  is it the title divorced/widowed or what??   *just curious*  :)

It is a matter of the audience you are referring to.  We seem to have some strong conservative opinions flowing through this particular forum/site.

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If I'm in love I will marry her. If I believe she is the Woman for me I will marry her if she was divorced or if she is a widow. I don't want to hold the past against her. If she is not who she seems. If she caused the marriage to fail I'm pretty sure I'd detect this.

 

When I contemplate marriage the first thing that comes to my mind isn't whether she was previously married or if she is a virgin. It's not about the past, but about the future. 

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I am all but sure that I wouldn't date or marry a divorced woman. There's the obvious fact that she's not a virgin, but more than that I just don't think we would be at the same place in life. I want to marry a girl who is on the same page as me in a lot of ways, and I just don't think someone who has been married and been through a divorce would be so. Even more than if she had just had sex with a past boyfriend, I would feel like our relationship wasn't as exclusive as I dream it to be. Am I holding her past against her? I suppose so, but I don't think that is unkind or unreasonable. It's part of choosing a mate. We hold one thing or another against all those we choose not to date or marry.

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When I contemplate marriage the first thing that comes to my mind isn't whether she was previously married or if she is a virgin. It's not about the past, but about the future. 

I don't think everything from the past can be completely written off. Things that happened in the past can have an affect on the present and the future.

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I don't think everything from the past can be completely written off. Things that happened in the past can have an affect on the present and the future.

 

I agree in the sense that almost everything you do can follow you in some way, however minute. Problem is, the mantra of society today is, "All rights, no responsibilities."  

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I would, but I'd have to know the backstory to the guy before I take any chances. If he has kids already, then I of course have to take into consideration if his kids would like me as their new stepmom too. 

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