Piper

Virginity mistake...?

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I came across this article on the news the other day and wondered what other people would think of it. On one hand I think the author is selfish and, although she made a lot of mistakes, waiting till marriage isn't one of them. On the other hand, I do have a deep irrational fear of something like this happening to me...

 

 

http://www.salon.com/2013/05/06/my_virginity_mistake/

 

Note--the article is a little racy I guess...maybe should be in Viewer Discretion Advised?

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I think WTM was her mistake its not for everyone, she waited and got married for the wrong reasons, if you jump into something hoping it will be a blissfully perfect fairytale youve already made a wrong move people forget the reality that comes after the wedding.  She said she didnt know him well but he kept pressuring her and thats why they got married? cmon really?

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I have to admit I worry about this sometimes. I do expect sex to be amazing, but I don't think so naively. It seems like all of the waiting horror stories I hear, like this one, are coming from people who waited for purely religious reasons, or who were duped into thinking that just because they waited, kept their legs closed and their hands to themselves until their wedding night, that they would be rewarded with awesome sex. Sex might be a reward at times, but good sex isn't. Good sex is a product of a lot of factors, several of which seemed to be missing for the writer of the article. She contradicts herself, saying in one place that, before marriage, she loved kissing her husband, but then saying that she "blindly walked up an aisle and committed myself to a man who didn’t know me and gave my long-held virginity to someone with whom I had no more chemistry than a second cousin." Like you said, I think she made a lot of mistakes, but waiting specifically wasn't one of them. There are right ways to wait and wrong ways to wait, and I think she took one of the wrong ways.

 

Sex for WTMers should be the final piece of the puzzle of an already great relationship, not something you hope fixes a rocky one. Additionally, rushing into marriage because you're horny and can't take it anymore (which she seems to say they did) completely defeats the purpose of waiting. I'm tired of people that condemn waiting because of their own bad experience, which came largely as a result of their own immature and poorly executed decisions. She admits there were red flags. So because she didn't act on those red flags, whether for not seeing them or ignoring them, waiting is itself the wrong choice? I think there are plenty of ways to avoid making the mistakes the writer made, and to all but ensure a great married sex life.

 

Just the fallible opinion of a male virgin.

 

tl;dr I think the writer's failed marriage and bad sex were mostly her own fault (hers and her ex-husband's), and don't bring any new or good arguments against waiting. The article should be taken for what it is: a warning not to be naive about sex and marriage, not to wait for the wrong reasons, and a reminder to be proactive prior to marriage to ensure that you truly know your partner.

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And also, anyone who believes sex is going to be amazing the first time, you're deluding yourself, because its going to be horrible the first time, and awkward, so hopefully no one expects it to be some pleasure filled astounding moment.

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Sex is important enough not to wait? Please.

 

She was a fool who got what she signed on for, plain and simple.

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It sounds to me like she's using WTM as a scapegoat instead of admitting the underlying issues in her marriage. Her WTM wasn't the problem, her approach to marriage was the problem. 

 

First of all, it seems like she made the common mistake of believing WTM leads to a magical, mind blowing wedding night. I admit a lot of the blame also  fall on misguided pressures from religious leaders, parents etc. who make these claims. Especially when you're teaching children at a young age about purity, it is highly irresponsible to make false promises of a grand reward when they are so young and impressionable. I know it sounds trite to once again relate sex to cars, but it's ridiculous to expect a student driver to able to parallel park a semi truck perfectly on their first try. Same thing with sex. The wedding night can be memorable in a good way and filled with love and emotion, but in all likelihood, it's going to be super awkward, confusing and maybe even a bit painful. We would be fools not to expect that. The road to good sex takes time and effort, just like a relationship. We need to have realistic expectations of marriage and sex.

 

I think the biggest mistake was the lack of communication. She has said on several occasions that she lied about enjoying sex and other issues. That speaks to the lack of trust and honesty in the relationship prior to marriage. They basically lacked the fundamentals for a working marriage. That alone should tell us they had no business getting married. Not being open to your concerns and wants is unfair to both people in the relationship. How is your spouse supposed to know how to please you if you don't tell them your needs? She instead decided to just grin and bear their terrible sex life. She knew things weren't right while they were dating and yet she decided to go ahead with the marriage anyways. I can't say I feel sorry for her. To be fair, we are only hearing her side of the story. We don't know too much about what her ex husband was thinking. He may bear an equal amount of blame or not.

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I agree with what Vince says, in that, lack of communication was a primary factor.  Rather than telling her husband about the situation, she lied and pretended -- starting with the very first time, starting from their wedding night itself.  As well, this was a marriage that should have never happened.  She felt pressured; she felt like she didn't even know the guy she was marrying.  It just seems to me that there wasn't truly a romantic and intimate relationship there.  Either she didn't feel safe and comfortable telling the guy what was going on or she just didn't care enough about him or the relationship to do so.  While both the husband and the wife were to blame for the situation, I'm going to lay the greater portion of that blame on the husband.

Even beyond the absence of true romance and intimacy, I don't think there was any kind of emotional or spiritual connection.  After who knows how many countless times the guy didn't realize that his wife was getting nothing out of sex?!  That means he was not in tune to her -- her heart, her mind, her emotions, her spirit, her body.  That means he was focused solely on himself and his own gratification.  That means he was not making love or being made love to.  He was merely using her physical body as a means to pleasure his own.  The guy could have probably gotten the same shallow level of satisfaction and fulfillment from a blow up doll.  There really wasn't any need to make his wife endure five minutes of him using her for a live action sex toy three or four times a week.  If a male doesn't realize his wife is emotionally and mentally disconnected and not actively participating in sex -- just lying there thinking about her daily chores while he takes care of himself inside of her -- he is an utter failure as a husband.  He is despicably self-centered and selfish and has no business being married or, even in a relationship.

They approached sex in entirely the wrong manner.  Physical intimacy should stem from other forms of intimacy.  Sexual intimacy should come as a result of emotional, spiritual, and, even intellectual intimacy.  It should be a form of surrender and giving from both partners, not just one taking what they need while the other compiles grocery lists in their head.  Sex -- making love, particularly in a marriage, is not supposed to be only a physical act; it should be a spiritual and emotional act as well.  Above all else, sex should be a mutual act of love, intimacy, bonding, and connection; rather than a mere act of personal physical gratification.  If all sex is to someone is a means to experience physical pleasure, they really don't need a spouse or even a partner for that.

While I'd like to be finished with this post, I just can't end it without also bringing up another one of the guy's failings.  The jerk got drunk on his wedding day!!!  Instead of dancing with his wife and being with her at the reception, the self-centered idiot spent the time sitting in the corner with his buddies getting snockered!  He treated his wedding like some seedy frat party.  Then, when they got back to their room, he had three minute long drunk-sex with his completely exhausted, hungry, disinterested, turned-off, non-participating virgin wife and was satisfied with that!  He didn't try to make her first time special or anything.  He didn't even wait until she was in the mood or ready.  The sleazball just pressured her, satisfied himeself in her, and was done.  "Now we can go to the pancake house and get you something to eat.  I got what I wanted -- a drunken party where I got laid."  What a creep!  He showed no respect for his wife, for sex, for marriage.

Now I have to stop writing or I'll spend the next twelve paragraphs ranting against this excuse of a man.  I guess I'll close by saying that the author's mistake wasn't waiting untill marriage to have sex.  Her mistake was marrying the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.  Her mistake was waiting untill marriage just because she thought it was the popular thing to do, not because it meant anything to her or because she really believed in what she was doing or why.  Her mistake was getting married before she had any understanding or knowledge of love, intimacy, or sex.  Her mistake was marrying a guy who not only didn't have a knowledge or understanding about these things but didn't care about, respect, value, or hold them or her in esteem.

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I agree yet again I mean she seemed to get married for the wrong reasons I mean how do you not know someone before you have sex I mean yes you don't know them sexully but if you talk and actually become emotionally and mentally intimate before hand I believe it'd be fine.

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This really does seem like a case where she waited for the wrong reasons, had unrealistic expectations, and had no desire to communicate and work on her marriage. From the sounds of it she regretted the marriage while she was walking down the aisle, so why would she be fully committed to the vows she made if she was figuratively crossing her fingers behind her back? I think its a bunch of bull that you could go from feeling connected physically to feeling like you are kissing a relative. I could only see that happening if you decided to check out of the relationship like she did. If you don't get married before you are ready and you really get to know the person you are marrying then there is no reason for this fear to become reality for any of us.

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It really seems the poor lady hasn't learned anything from her bad experience. Her typographical therapy session, her confession to explain how and why she got it all wrong, and she still misses the whole point.

 

She let "no sex" define the relationship as much as some people let sex define it. Relationships shouldn't live or die by the sex. They should live or die by a thousand other facets of a relationship, from conversation and compatibility to common interests and goals. Hers seems based almost exclusively on "we're not having sex, but at least we're doing it together." It hit her like a ton of bricks on her wedding day, they knew very little about each other. And she still blames the SEX? And concludes she should have had sex sooner? Honestly.

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As everyone else has said, she seemed to regret the marriage before it even started! I'll be honest and admit I do have fears of the first time, but I know that it will get better. It seemed to me like this woman not only had unrealistic expectation about sex, but also marriage in general. If you don't know a person very well, then you should wait to get married. She also mentioned she was only 20 when she got married. Personally, I know that I didn't I know myself well enough at 20 to be married. I've also heard the adage expecting the person/relationship to change just because you get married. If your communication is poor before marriage, it will likely be poor in your marriage too.

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Mat....Vince......I am agreeing with you as well on alot of points...Yes, she decided to wait....but honestly, I don't believe waiting has wrong reasons....I believe the issue with her situation was lack of all she needed to know....when she was at the camp...it was the responsibility of the leader to be 100% transparent of every aspect of the why waiting till marriage to have sex, the pros & the cons of not waiting. And what the bibles says about it in conjunction within a marriage relationship....Song of Solomon even depicts the importance of communication. She was not given the truth of the matter. The fact that she stated he was still pressuring her in their dating/engagement with the statement "if its just the tip it doesn't count" should have been a HUGE red flag!! That spoke VOLUMES about who's needs were more important....his!! But, one of the major down falls to this marriage ending......their was no pre-marital counseling....if they had that with their Pastor before hand.....they would have come to the realization that they had not actually built a relationship & knew nothing about each others needs, wants, desires, likes, dislike, pet peves & the list goes on! The counseling would have brought all this to light! Especially if the Pastor is wanting to build strong & lasting marriages...He would more than likely had suggested they not get married yet. Seeking wise & Godly counsel on something so sacred as marriage is essential so you KNOW your entering it for the right reasons! The major reasons for so many failed marriages is communication...it is the key to a great marriage & God is the lock. Just as we must be in consant communication with God to build a strong/stronger relationship with Him....a marriage is the same way. So, her saying waiting was mistake....if it really was...she wouldn't have chose too....what was the mistake was the truth about what equates good/great sex in a marriage.....and that sex isn't the most important thing.....Its communication.

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Most of what I could say will be pretty similar to what has already been said, so, in short, I agree she was probably disappointed with her marriage because she went into it with unrealistic expectations and becuase there was poor communication in her relationship (both before and after marriage). Also, not getting to know each other very well prior to marriage was another poor choice.

 

One thing I will add is that I do hope that this article doesn't mean that people who are different can't get married and have a, by some measure, successful marriage. Quite frankly, I think there is a strong chance that I will have to marry someone who is in many ways not ideal for me in exchange for my dealbreakers of sexual inexperience and being very physically attracted to her. The difference between myself and this author is that I would 1.) go into the marriage with my eyes wide open about the situation and not in complete ignorance and 2.) Understand that we will need to have very good communication to work though issues that may arise. Also, I would work incredibly hard to try and make the relationship work. Now, this isn't me saying I could give up absolutely everything in exchange for those two qualities, but the gist of what I'm saying is that I would hope hard work in the marriage could overcome things that other people would rather not have to overcome in a marriage.

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In my opinion, the author did not have much of a backbone, she let all of her decisions be made by other people! Not once did I see any evidence of her challenging what others felt, thought, or wanted for her life; that was her true issue! 

She let others script her life knowing she had her own objections to what was going on, but now after the fact you choose to speak up saying you should have never waited? Yes, correct, you should have never waited to open your mouth and think for yourself!!!

 

Regardless of the church, your parents, or people who want to marry you, the decision to wait should be yours. A decision that should be fully weighed with cons, pros, and possible difficulties along with your ability to overcome.

 

The author let those things happen to her when she could have said, NO! She wanted a fairy tale but entered La-La Land a bit too soon. Wake up! Being a virgin has no correlation to being naive! 

 

For me that was an excruciating read having lost interest at how she was practically going through the motions without acknowledging the emotions.

 

If a doctor were to test her reflexes, i'm sure her leg would jump sometime next year.  :disapproval:

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Well to me it seems as if she is trying to encourage people who choose to wait to experience sex beforehand but I can honestly say based on research and people who I know personally that her experience is the exception!. Otherwise, it is highly risky for obvious factors that research proves. Sleeping around and then deciding to settle down does not guarantee marital bliss. Nothing does. However, it's something that should be done for oneselves to protect them from emotional, spirtual, physical, and mental problems like heartache, battles, regret etc. There are sooo many negative things that come along with people having sex with multiple partners before marriage that a lot of times on the Wedding night, which is suppose to be special they don't even consumate. Why? It's just another day for a big show. That's all. I'll stand firmly by that her experience with waiting was the exception.

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I agree with a lot of what you all said...I don't feel like it was entirely the guy's fault though. He did seem to be making some attempt to discern whether or not she was enjoying herself, and she continued the problem by lying about it. I do agree that her arguments against WTM aren't legitimate, however.

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It sounds to me like she jumped the gun to get married and wasn't honest with her husband with about her needs. I don't think any of us should be unnerved by this story: we know what we signed up for. We don't expect it to be perfect the first time but love and a willingness to learn should solve all problems in bed.

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. . . I don't believe waiting has wrong reasons....

 

Perhaps not.  I suppose if it keeps one from sleeping around and spreading STD's like a C-123 dispersing Agent Orange over the jungles of Vietnam it's not a bad thing.  I can't say that I fully stand behind doing something just because that's what everyone else is doing.  Intent and reason are much what makes a deed admirable and what partially determines how solid the foundation is beneath that deed, as was demonstrated by this woman.  Once she realized she had no personal convictions concerning abstinence outside of marriage she became someone who slept around -- a lot.

The fact that the only reason she waited is because her freinds and acquaintences were doing it does speak to the fact that mentally, personality-wise this was an individual who had no business getting married.  As Allison indicated above, she really didn't know herself.  She really didn't have a mind of her own.  She either didn't realize or didn't acknowledge what her own thoughts, opinions, and feelings were so she substituted everyone else's in place of them.

From that article alone I see a young woman who was pretty fragile and unbalanced.  That's one of the reason's I was so hard on the husband.  He didn't think enough of his wife to get to know her -- before or after the marriage.  If he had, he would have seen that she was fragile and needed special care.  Literally, this dude had the power, as her husband, to heal her -- to help her finish developing emotionally and mentally and get her standing on her own two feet.  He was in a position to help her with her problems, to shepherd her to a healthy place and he was too self absorbed and self centered to even realize anything was wrong, much less take care of her.

I went on to read another article that this woman posted on the same website and it's pretty clear that she was mentally off-balanced.  She had some serious problems dealing with reality, the truth, and making her own decisions and acting on them.  After she and her husband were divorced she continued to see her therapist.  I might add that the only reason she was seeing the therapist is becasue she thought it was the popular thing for a young woman living in New York to do.  The therapist was a total noob who, from her descriptions, sounds like he had a crush on her or, rather on who he thought she was.

Anyway, even after she was divorced, barely eeking out a living, shoplifting from Walmart, and sleeping with more guys than she could keep track of -- she still kept up the facade with her therapist that she was happily married, had everything together financially and otherwise, and was doing quite well.  Session after session, once a week she continued seeing this therapist and pumping him full of lies about her stylish, perfect, New York fantasy life.  Eventually, keeping track of the lies became increasingly difficult so she decided to end the therapy.

After about six months she showed up to a session and informed the therapist that she couldn't see him anymore.  When he asked why, she had to come up with something on the spot so, she told him that she was moving.  When he asked where she had to come up with another lie so, she informed him that she was moving to Paris, France.  She went on to construct another nest of lies as to why she was moving there.  After the dude helped her plan her new life in France, she left his office, sold her diamond and platnum wedding ring, and used the money to hop on a flight to France, literally moving there -- as if she actually had to follow through with the haphazardly constructed lie that she told her therapist.

She sort of glamourized all of this in her article and tried to make it sound somewhat adventurous.  Despite that, the fact remains that this woman had some significant problems -- problems that I think would have been noticed if her former husband had really been paying attention and into her, instead of being entirely focused on himself.  People who's "issues" are this extensive cannot hide them for long from someone who's truly delving into their heart and soul, as a man should be doing with his fiancee/wife.

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i think she was trying to build sex technique for the lack of love they had for one another. 

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