SnowWhite

My Boyfriend Says...

17 posts in this topic

Hey everybody! I haven't been on here in so long, but I can tell that the community has grown and flourished! I have been reading a lot of the posts on here, and they are really inspiring. I have something I would like to discuss. I'm currently in a relationship with my best friend. We were great friends before we started dating, and when he confessed that he had feelings for me I was thrilled because I felt the same way! We have been in a relationship for a little over 3 months, and he makes me so happy- I can joke with him, laugh with him, I always want to spend time with him! I feel like he may be the one for me. He knew that I was WTM before we even got in a relationship, and the topic has come up several times. He personally has never had sex but he says but was not planning to wait, although when we discuss the topic he says that he would never lose me over something like sex. However, sometimes I think he believes that I'll change my mind over time. He's made me a much happier, less tense person, and I think he maybe believes he'll change my WTM status. Sometimes he'll jokingly say "you'll change." I really trust him and know he would never hurt me, but I also know he is a young guy and sex is on his mind.

 

My other problem is, sometimes I don't know where my line is as far as waiting. I of course have desires to be with him, but I know that I cannot act on them. Has anybody else had a hard time knowing what their limit is? He is more aggressive than I am, although he always tells me that he will never make me uncomfortable and I can always tell him if I am. Sometime I worry that he will get frustrated if I tell him "no" (even to things that aren't sex).

 

Any advice is apprecaited! Thank you so much and I can't wait to get to know you all better!!

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Keep an eye on him, I can't really say for certain if you should forget about him or not since I don't know you guys really well, but when he says  "you'll change" well, show your good character and prove him wrong. You might just impress him at best or make him even more frustrated at worse. If he does get really violent, just make sure you know where the exit is and run, get out of there. 

 

Another thing you should be wary if he decided to propose to you really soon, since there is a lot of people I know who get married solely because they cannot wait any longer for sex and just want sex . This is like winning a lifetime pass to Disney World, but can only go on space mountain, when sex loses its novelty, there will likely be no foundation for the marriage to stand up on and likely won't last since the reasons to marry were shallow.

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Even the most respectful carring guy with the best intentions may get aggressive and frustraited with a woman he wants and cant have ''all of''.  Hormones are not easy to trust.  Ive had guys say conflicting things to me.  When they are relaxed its respect respect, bounderies are important--no problem at all.  Later when they are frustraited they start to feel regected by the bounderies and will challenge and question.  Its very important for you to decide where the 'red line' is and let him know.   If he is into you he is going to want to be affectionate and he is going to want to be able to do so without offending you.  Be honest with him.  Tell him where your limits are at present.  Remeber you can always change your mind later.  The important thing is staying comfortable with yourself and making sure you are happy with the decesions you make.  If you want to cross any monumental bridges and expand your limits you should try deciding ahead of time instead of getting caught in the heat of the moment.  This way you can be sure its something you really want to do and that you will be happy with your decisions instead of the passion telling you its a great idea at the time!  hahaha 

 

If you really feel like your own personal limits are being tested you probably want to stay within an area where you feel like you still have some self controll.  These limites may change as you feel more comfortable with what you can handle.  For example,  I feel very comfortable expressing desire over the telephone but if I did that in person it might be a litle to exciting for me to handle lol.  Over the phone its a statement but in person its like an invitation! lol lol 

 

And yes.  If he wants you and you reject him, he will be frustraited.  His feelings may get hurt and he may be unhappy.  But remember that if he really loves you he will work past his frustration and stay with you anyway.  It may feel like he is pressuring you sometimes wheather he means too or not but he will never force you to do anything you are not ready for if he cares about you.  This doesnt mean he wont make a pass though--wich is why discussing your limits is so important.  Don't leave the line fuzzy and don't put yourself in situations with him you dont think you are both ready for.  Temptation always lurks where there is opportunity. 

 

As far as sparring his feelings...  if he is excited for you and wants you this is a very positive and flattering event.  Its one of the best compliments a woman can recieve from a man she is into.. Be sure not to treat his desire for you negatively.  If you make him feel ashamed of his natural feelings that can really kill his moral and make him feel really rejected.  You can let him know how flatterered you are and try to build him up.

 

And finnally....... if one day he decides he cant handle a sexless relatiohship and calls things off do NOT take it personally.  This WILL happen with some men.  The ones who really care about you will stick around patently and go at your pace.  If he can't handle that then there were probably more compatability issues than just a lack of sex. 

 

Hope that helps!  :)

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I would say play it by ear but don't compromise your values. Wait and I would say don't do anything sexual if he pressures then I would say take a break because I personally believe everyone is worth waiting for.

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I also forgot to add that I also did have an ex that got frustrated with me not putting out and cheating on me, if that happens to you, then don't hesitate and break off from him as his loyalty to you is probably not as strong as it should be that he won't remain monogamous. 

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Thank you guys! All the advice really helps. Especially Sarah, that really does put everything in perspective. Everybody always says that guys have crazy hormones going on, and I understand that, and am flattered that he wants me. I don't think it will be a problem with him proposing right now because we are both just starting our college careers, we're not financially stable or able to get married at the moment. It's very hard for me because sometimes I feel like he truly is the right one and I do have the desire to share something so personal with him, but I know my boundaries and can't compromise at the moment. It's a strange feeling for me because never before have I felt such a desire; I really love him and know he feels the same way, so sometimes it seems like the waiting thing sucks!! Although anything good is worth waiting for. I get frustrated with his father occasionally because he has always taught him to "try the milk before you buy the cow." When my boyfriend told his parents I was waiting, they looked at him like he was crazy and told him they didn't think anybody did that anymore. I know he was not raised in the kind of environment where waiting is encouraged, which is why I can understand him getting frustrated and not understanding my point of view. I really deep down trust him and believe he respects me, I just always hope I never find anything to the contrary!

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"try the milk before you buy the cow."  ---- From a parents point of view this would mean they are worried that waiting will cause the couple to be too eager and get married too young before they are ready even though they may not be right for eachother.  They mean well but blah.  This is saying they don't have faith in your self controll.  Dont worry about them.  This is between you and him.  Maybe you will stick around and they will be wrong haha.  I know a couple getting married in march who have been datting 7 years and both sets of their parents said that they should not  get married in college and that they were too young but they should just move in together instead.   They didn't and they havent had sex.  Even though they were basically given permission, they stayed true to what was right for them. Remember that your relationship and your life is yours.  Noone elses.  You are the person you have to wake up with.  Noone will think less of you either way,  but what makes YOU happy?

 

And on hormones.... do not underestimate your own.  Now that you have a man in your life that your desire is being dirrected to, your will is definitly going to be challenged.  Yes.  Waiting indeed does suck sometimes.   You have to accept that you want sex and that you want your partner.  Its not a bad thing.  Now think about what you want more.  Sex now with someone you love?  Or waiting for that really special night with your husband?   When you are with someone you have feelings for you will loose your resolve.  Waiting will seem less and less important. If you decide to change your mind you want to be sure you will be happy with your decision.  Give your self goals.  Remember that you only have to make it one day and then the next.  If you do decide you want him and do not wish to wait any more give your self a time frame to wait and then reaccess your goals.  (You may not want to tell him this or he may just be aiming for the finish line.)  When you have reached the end of your shorter waiting period you can decide what you want to do and know it was something you really wanted that you thought carefully about.  You may find you want to add more time to that.  Remember that your decision to wait is a decision that you will have to make again and again.  There is something really empowering about knowing you can have sex whenever you want it but choose not too.  Its your body.   You have controll over it.  Its all up to you.

 

Now in the mean time... as you are feeling all proud of yourself and happy with your decision you may have a not so happy partner.  Try to be empathetic and understanding to him.  Let him know your appreciate what he is doing for you.  Its not easy for either of you and it may be really hard for him to understand sometimes.  Even though it wasn't his choice its still something he is doing with you.  Acknowledging your appreciation for him will do wonders.  Give him the benifit of the doubt that he really does respect you.  Believe in him.  Encourage him.  Treat him like the good man you know he is.  With your support he will find it much easier to rise to the occasion.  :)

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I'd suggest applying the gambling addiction slogan: "Know when to stop before you start."

 

You have to draw the lines in the sand, for you and he BOTH, before you ever find yourself alone or in a compromising situation. If you wait til then to call the shots, your system will be electrified with hormones, whose role in part is to tell you that this feels too right to be wrong. (Lie.)

 

I'd have difficulty staying with someone who jokes that I'll compromise, much less someone who doesn't hold the same standard. The right mate would be rooting for me, cheering me on, doing everything they could to make sure I hold to my standard. 

 

As for your worries on telling him no...if he were a good man, you would not be afraid to tell him no. Never be afraid to stand by what YOU know is right. You may owe it to him to shut the gates, bar the door and slap him out of his little hormone stupor.

 

Also, my personal advice, avoid being alone with him, especially behind closed doors where no one else can see. And don't get into any prolonged kissing sessions where you lean back and he leans in, that sort of thing. Can't end well!

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Once again, thank you Sarah!!! You really are hitting the nail on the head- everything you've said has been great and I really appreciate it. I know our relationship is still young and I would want to give it time before I do anything, even if I were to eventually change my mind. I know my boyfriend has a bit of "only child syndrom" and is used to getting his way, and that I will just have to gently break him of that! lol I can't see myself changing after all, I know I want to be able to wear white on my wedding day and save myself for the only man I ever want to be with- I just hope that he is that man!
Lonely Knight- thank you also for your insight. I try not to be too "uptight" and "prudish"- I'm not into having sex before marriage, but I don't want to completely cut off anything intimate! I don't think he's a bad person or that I can't date him just because he himself was never taught to wait. If I was raised in a different household, I probably wouldn't be waiting either! My biggest thing is that I just want someone who can repsect my decision and not pressure me!

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yeah, again, you know your boyfriend better than any of us and its up to you to decide whether he is a keeper or not. Just be wary of the red flags and you'll be fine.  

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This is one topic I know all too well. For me it's not what you have or haven't done...but what you would do in the situation. I've been used to being the backbone in relationships sexually (most of the time) and its always my limits...but it's nice to have the guy be the one to be like "waiting is what's best for us" and help us avoid a situation that might be troublesome. I don't like when the guy hasn't come to the same conclusion on waiting as me because I feel like Im waiting around for him to finally accept the same decision as me...or we both end up getting ourselves into trouble (from my point of view not his).

As far as your best friend...everything's always nice in the beginning...why do you think it's so hard to get over relationships? It's because we hang onto those initial stages. I would say if things begin to change in your relationship stay present and be aware of what's happening versus hanging onto those initial memories. If he's trying to change you I would say all the more reason to do less things sexually at least or nothing at all just to test how he will react. If he's a virgin too then it will be easier for him to wait I would think than someone who's done stuff already...but then again he may be expecting something down the line in the back of his head? But. If he says he wouldn't let sex get in the way then let him prove himself and don't do anything sexually. Maybe his parents are telling him you'll cave and that's why he keeps saying it because he wants to believe it but he's listening to his parents?

What I would do is decide your limit, tell him, and ask for him to help you stick to that. If he chooses getting with you in the moment over keeping you long term then he's not worth it, because if it happens once its just going to keep happening (in my experience anyway...)

But yeah as far as him getting frustrated, don't be afraid to stick to your guns and time will tell you what type of person he is. Once a relationship goes sexual you lose the whole getting to know each other stage and the relationship lacks substance. Like LonelyKnight said, avoid situations where it might be compromising on the two of you. And if no ones home, go to the park or go for a walk or something. Also try your best not to make it hard for him. I mean don't show up in a low cut shirt with heels and shorts on with your butt hanging out and everything lol don't tempt him and try to make it easier on him so you can work together as a team towards the common goal. Good luck and I wish the best for you!

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Oh, and PS I have dated quite a few guys who I've told Im waiting for marriage and yet theyve still try to get me to sleep with them multiple times after. I think they eventually got bored so don't be surprised if this happens just move along! But I hope he is more for you than this!

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OLB: Now when you say....backbone.....

 

Ultimately Snow, this is the ultimate test of your potential relationship. Will he respect you enough to wait (keeper) or will he not? It's actually a blessing to have such a test available to you.

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I can't tell you what your boundaries should be nor can any one else here.

 

All I can advise you to do is take some time for YOURSELF and  figure out what you are comfortable with.

 

Don't let yourself be bullied or pressured by people calling you a prude.  If he can't respect what you are comfortable with is he really right for you? 

 

The thing I found most concerning in your post was that you were afraid to tell him no for fear of his reaction.

 

You should never be afraid to  tell your significant other ( or anyone else ) no.  Sexually or otherwise.

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you fear the consequences of  telling him no or disagreeing with him?

 

Again I can't tell you what to do, but tread very very carefully. Take it from someone who had a hard time saying no early in life.

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OLB: Now when you say....backbone.....

Oh god this almost killed me when I got it. Well played sir. Well played.

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don't compromise your morals for anyone. if he does not respect your choice he does not want you. 

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