Selina

"Hanging out" in the bedroom

23 posts in this topic

This might sound stupid, so please don't laugh :P

 

I once mutually broke up with a serious one year relationship with a guy who was more experienced than I was, because I was really nervous about hanging out alone in a private bedroom setting. I think he just wanted the cuddling and the privacy, but I was always really worried that in that kind of setting while cuddling, I'd lose my control completely. I was more worried about the way I would behave than the way he would behave - so I don't feel like this was a trust issue.

 

There were also other big reasons for the break up, but this was one of the major ones.

 

I do understand his rationale, and I find the idea of just cuddling in an apartment nice and sweet but unrealistic for me. On a day to day basis, I feel like I'm a very sexual/sensual person who is very rigid in not acting on her sexuality before marriage.

 

I was really worried about how I'd behave in that kind of environment. Was I wrong? Would 'not being able to hang out in the apartment alone' ever be a deal breaker for you?

 

Selina

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Selina, being alone in the bedroom is probably the worst situation to be hanging out if you're in a WTM relationship. You are very wise to object to that because you know yourself and what leads you to temptation. I feel the exact same way. While I've never been in a relationship before, I know I'm a very sexual person and I would probably try to limit the time spent with a girlfriend alone as much as possible. To me, cuddling is fine but I would do it at a park bench in public. If I were to do it in an apartment, I would at least be sure there was a roommate around or something. The point is that everyone is different but ultimately, you want to do whatever it takes to keep both people from slipping. So no, you are perfectly justified in feeling that way. You did exactly what you were supposed to do.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ummmm... what if my boyfriend's bedroom is pretty much an alcove in the living room of his house? That's pretty much his living situation and his cats are always watching us. We do hang out in my room alone and play video games together when he sees me, but he already has proven to have amazing self control, as do I. 

 

As for you, I don't think you're wrong, if you are uncomfortable or any bit unsure, then listen to your gut and don't, you did the right thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not being able to hang out alone? I'm neutral on that topic, if I meet someone who is also waiting and they don't want to be alone with me I'd be fine with it, as long as they allow at least some physical contact. But since I'm probably not going to find someone who is waiting (they'll have to wait for me) so I would be setting the boundaries and I would allow time alone to lay down in bed or something because I know I can control myself.

But you were smart to not want to lay down alone with him if you didn't believe you could control yourself.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From experience, I feel like if each person is equally committed to the established boundaries  that sticking to those boundaries is quite doable even when alone together. After we've been in a relationship for a while, physical affection is really important to me, but anything beyond a quick kiss or holding hands feels weird in public. So anything beyond that would only occur when we're alone. Ideally there would be a place for that besides a bedroom, but if not I'm confident that I wouldn't cross my boundaries. If my girlfriend were uncomfortable being alone together, I would understand and it wouldn't be an outright dealbreaker, but it would probably put some stress on the relationship unless we could find some way to have that component of the relationship.

 

All that said, I think it's very wise to limit (but not necessarily minimize) time alone or time spent showing physical affection and to make sure you're spending time out in public as well as with other people (family, friends, etc.) Increasing the number of environments and scenarios in which you experience each other is the best way to learn about each other and decide on the future of the relationship.

 

I don't think there's a right or wrong for this. It all depends on what you're comfortable with. When there's any doubt it's better to say no than yes.

 

Note: I have a high sex drive and have only been in one relationship of about 3 months that didn't go too far. So in some ways I know what I'm talking about and in some ways I'm just speculating.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In the bedroom? Most of the time no.

There's lots of things I could say here, haha. It also just depends.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you made the right decision. Everything I want to say has already been said here. So don't worry, everyone needs boundaries sometimes. :)

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We are all adults, it is perfectly fine to cuddle or even have a short nap together (with your clothes on of course). I personally think there is nothing wrong with sleeping next to someone, it's sleep after all. If your respect for the other person transcends your desires then you have already won. Just respect each other, acknowledge your boundaries, and stay pure to each other. Did it for almost three years and never had an issue. Trust, honestly and respect keep you and your heart in check.

 

We are all adults, and we are all human, not robots, While we believe in the system of WTM, being primal should also be respected in it's own right,

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I, personally, want to save cuddling for marriage. I want a wife who has done the same. I don't mind sitting next to her with an arm around her or something, but cuddling is too intimate of a thing to share before marriage, to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wow - response was great, thanks everyone! love the diversity in perspectives....

 

quick question for Justin... would you still feel that way if your partner was not morally particular about WTM?

 

I always thought that couples who are both indivudally strong WTMers would support each other and protect each other from each other's hormones while 'in the moment'  :)

 

... unfortunately, my case was with someone who was not as morally particular about WTM...

 

Also just wanted to emphasize ... I don't see anything wrong with hanging around in an apartment alone, I just don't think its something I would be able to do :)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wow - response was great, thanks everyone! love the diversity in perspectives....

 

quick question for Justin... would you still feel that way if your partner was not morally particular about WTM?

 

I always thought that couples who are both indivudally strong WTMers would support each other and protect each other from each other's hormones while 'in the moment'  :)

 

... unfortunately, my case was with someone who was not as morally particular about WTM...

 

Also just wanted to emphasize ... I don't see anything wrong with hanging around in an apartment alone, I just don't think its something I would be able to do :)

 

If your partner is anti-wtm then you have to decide if they should be your partner. If they do not believe in but respect you then them wanting your love should keep them in check. For example, my last girlfriend, we fully respected each other, but we cuddled a lot, and we had a lot of naps next to each other. We wore clothes, and didn't look for chances to take advantage of each other, we merely both experienced sleep, physically next to each other. No malice intended. If your partner won't respect your WTM then should they really be your partner? Only you can decide that.

While a lot of people here and ardently opposed to most or all types of intimacy, you also have to understand that you and we are human. We are supposed to want to be close to others, and that is able to be down without malice or sexual assault. Primal urges or feelings let us know we are alive. And as many of us are adults, we should have the knowledge and personal wisdom to know not to act on them if we don't want to. No one is holding a gun to our heads.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

While a lot of people here and ardently opposed to most or all types of intimacy, you also have to understand that you and we are human. We are supposed to want to be close to others, and that is able to be down without malice or sexual assault. Primal urges or feelings let us know we are alive. And as many of us are adults, we should have the knowledge and personal wisdom to know not to act on them if we don't want to. No one is holding a gun to our heads.

I don't think there is any doubt that humans crave intimacy. There are just certain intimate actions that I want my wife and I to save for marriage. Personally, I believe that cuddling goes into the more serious intimate and, yes, even sexual range. Look at it this way. You might hug your male friend, but you would only cuddle with a female. Doesn't that mean it is somewhat sexual? Now, of course I understand that not everyone wants to save that for marriage like I do, but I do think it is somewhat sexual.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think there is any doubt that humans crave intimacy. There are just certain intimate actions that I want my wife and I to save for marriage. Personally, I believe that cuddling goes into the more serious intimate and, yes, even sexual range. Look at it this way. You might hug your male friend, but you would only cuddle with a female. Doesn't that mean it is somewhat sexual? Now, of course I understand that not everyone wants to save that for marriage like I do, but I do think it is somewhat sexual.

So do you consider cuddling a, in a way, type of virginity? Like if you met a girl and she's cuddled with someone or a few people, you wouldn't date her? Just wondering!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think there is any doubt that humans crave intimacy. There are just certain intimate actions that I want my wife and I to save for marriage. Personally, I believe that cuddling goes into the more serious intimate and, yes, even sexual range. Look at it this way. You might hug your male friend, but you would only cuddle with a female. Doesn't that mean it is somewhat sexual? Now, of course I understand that not everyone wants to save that for marriage like I do, but I do think it is somewhat sexual.

 

Male friends wouldn't cuddle, but lots of female friends do, and children, male or female, with their parents. I wouldn't say any of that is sexual...well I hope not. Certainly when you're cuddling with a significant other there's often a sexual component, but there's a sexual component to kissing, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes or at each other's bodies, etc..

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So do you consider cuddling a, in a way, type of virginity? Like if you met a girl and she's cuddled with someone or a few people, you wouldn't date her? Just wondering! 

No, I don't consider it a type of virginity. I'm just waiting until marriage for a lot more than only sex for the first time. I've said this in other threads, but I don't mind mentioning it again. I don't want me or my future wife to have ever done more than light kissing and light touching over clothes. To me, cuddling falls into the heavy touching range, as you're all over each other for an extended period of time. So, no, I would not date a woman who has cuddled with a guy before.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oy, yeah, bedroom = forbidden if I'm in a relationship. Laying in the bed cuddling? As if hormones weren't strong enough. Put next to a warm female body on a bed in privacy, and the wrong emotions take over. I wouldn't even consider it. Kudos to you for the same conviction.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Besides my dad, guys are not allowed in my bedroom since I still live with the 'rents. One time, I had a guy over to help paint my bedroom and he was in there with another female friend of mine and me and my mom freaked out that he was in there. I was like, "Seriously, mom? It's me!" lol However, I think it is a good rule and I would keep it even if I was living on my own. I have been in a guy's room before because he had invited me over to watch movies. What he didn't bother to tell me was that the only tv was in his room so I had to watch from his bed. It was fine though since I had a female friend with me then as well. If it wasn't for her, I would of asked him to do something else so we wouldn't be alone in his room.  

 

As others have said, you know your limits and what may be difficult for you so listen to that voice and don't do anything you aren't comfortable with and don't let him pressure you to do it either. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 I do like the idea of hanging out together, I like the comfort, and I feel like it's hard to really get to know someone if you're never alone in a quiet, intimate environment with them. Personally, it doesn't cause a problem for me and I don't feel like I would get into trouble (until I get that ring, my pants are about as movable as the Great Wall of China). But it seems (from sad experience) that you just never know where the other person is at, or whether they can handle that kind of situation without temptation. I guess if I was going to consider it, there would have to be an absolutely inflexible ironclad set of rules in place about what is and isn't allowed. Otherwise, probably not going to happen. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It requires one of the parties to have iron self control. I have hung out in the bedroom with nothing happening, just cuddling and a kiss. Ideally it is best if both people can control themselves, but as long as it's one of them then nothing should get out of hand since you can always say no. :)

 

But you have to really know yourself well, pride is a deadly pitfall, You might think you can handle it and then it turns out you cannot take it and give in. If you feel that you wouldn't be able to control yourself then the best thing is to avoid situations that can be tempting. That way you can stick to your convictions no problem. ^_^

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe its just an autism thing since both of us has autism, but none of us find sex really that important so we can handle going that far without going too far. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am right there with you! My friends were making fun of me because I said I would have a hard time being alone with them. Not because I wouldn't trust them, but because I wouldn't trust myself! I have friends who are waiting but sometimes share a bed and I have no idea how they do it! So basically, I think its great you know yourself well enough to keep yourself out of those situations.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now