Jada

How can you maintain intimacy without sex???

19 posts in this topic

Hi. When I decided to WTM I read all I could find on this but one thing I noticed is that everyone talks of the benefits of waiting and its rewards when you get married but none about the dating part of it. Most of it is about the destination and not the journey.

And so I have so many questions  that are unanswered like:

  1. Do you feel like having a non-physical relationship limits you to only certain activities . I mean I see couples around me taking romantic trips, travelling and being adventurous and spontaneous  and I feel like I would have to  wait to get married to experience  this. I see this in my friends who are non-waiters all the time. They will go out for the weekend rent a room  and enjoy the sites, visit exciting places and all, opposed to the couples who WTM who just do the usual stuff like going for a movie, dinner, church. I mean this things are okay but aren't as exciting. I would like to have what my non-waiters friends have but then it feels like I would have to trade in my values to get that. Most of the guys that I have met who are like this usually want sex most of the time and it is one of the reasons my ex and I broke up.I think you can only have one or the  other but not both.
  2. The other thing is about the intimacy thing for those who date for long periods. Especially for those who date for 2yrs or 4 yrs, how do you do it without losing the sexual attraction and eventually  seeing each other as just roomates or just friends. We all see the articles everywhere about keeping your sex life alive or how to revive it and so I would imagine that it would be so much harder to keep intimacy alive without having the sex part in the relationship.

I would like someone to tell me how dating is for those who wait and the challenges they face without sugar coating it or talking of the benefits of waiting(have read all of that) especially for those who have been in long relationships. How do you go on as a normal couple without 'crossing the line'.

Plus it would be nice to know what sort of activities you do for fun as a couple when dating and those that maybe you feel you can't. :) Thanks.

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Hi Jada,
 
There's a scene in Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldblum's character (the mathematician Dr. Malcolm) is explaining how dinosaurs that were all supposed to be female started having offspring. His explanation: "Life finds a way."
 
I think that's similar to how physical intimacy develops in long-term WTM relationships. Intimacy finds a way. From what I've seen, this usually involves striking a compromise on premarital physical stuff. Somewhere between "nothing" and "sex."
 
Long-term WTM couples also get comfortable with the boundaries that they have, and don't have to obsess about "slipping." This allows them to do things like take trips together, share a bed, have fun, and still keep their WTM status. 
 
So...
 
1. Nope, I don't think it's limiting at all. I've done all of the couples' trips and stuff you're talking about, and I'm still WTM.
 
2. If you love the person, physical stuff never completely loses its magic, no matter how limited your range of activity is. And you can still be inventive within your range off allowed things.  ;)

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 Long-term WTM couples also get comfortable with the boundaries that they have, and don't have to obsess about "slipping." This allows them to do things like take trips together, share a bed, have fun, and still keep their WTM status. 

 

So...

 

1. Nope, I don't think it's limiting at all. I've done all of the couples' trips and stuff you're talking about, and I'm still WTM.

 

2. If you love the person, physical stuff never completely loses its magic, no matter how limited your range of activity is. And you can still be inventive within your range off allowed things.  ;)

 

I agree with everything Mike said, but especially this part! As long you are constantly communicating and always on the same page with boundaries, you can still be intimate without having sex. 

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Mike said it all. You can do most of the things you mentioned as a waiter. Obviously not the sex part haha but everything else..including some physical intimacy...within reason (I.e. making out)

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I shall be sorely disappointed if intimacy is a zero-sum game where either there is sexual activity, or no intimacy. I think if you asked the married couples of today (or the waiting couples of yester-day) this question, they would gently but quickly correct the idea that intimacy is sex and sex is intimacy. 

 

I think that robs romance of all its subtlety and mystery. Have you ever noticed how the finest and most expensive restaurants serve *small* dishes, while your average food buffet throws everything on the menu, catering to an all-u-can-eat mindset? Do the people who shovel the buffet food into their mouth really taste it or appreciate it at a buffet? Or if you add patience and finesse, if you have a meal whose dishes truly complement each other, don't the flavors and aromas play a subtler and stronger game with your mouth?

 

Less really can be more. As a virgin, a glance can have just as much electricity to me as full-on penetrative sex can to someone else. By leaving the full package behind the veil, a touch on the shoulder, a gentle smile, a gesture of caring, a few whispered words, a caress of the hair, can be intimate, romantic and even provocative. 

 

Working in healthcare, I see people who abuse prescription medication suffering from receptor downgrade. IE, they've used so many pills they have less of an ability to feel their effects. Drugs (and lust) are like this, ever demanding more for diminishing satisfaction. Likewise, someone who hops from bed to bed to bed in pursuit of that high actually loses a capacity for that high, much less a high from sex's numerous precursors, 

 

I don't anticipate "keeping the spark alive" to be a challenge for me for the first few years, so I can't quite speak to your second question. I'd say everything takes effort in the end, and you have to recognize that fact early. Also, there does come a point to fish or cut bait. To me, three or four years does get to the point of "if you like it, put a ring on it."

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Warning: I'm a science major. I may say some things you've already heard, but just hear me out. :P

 

Well, I believe that WTMers can do the same exact spontaneous/dating things that non-waiters do. :) After all, just because we're excluding the sex part of it, it doesn't mean we can't enjoy spending time alone together/cuddling/hugging/kissing. Sex is often way too hyped up and romanticized. Sex isn't an end-all-be-all sign of romantic physical affection that you must absolutely do if you are alone together in a romantic setting. It can be for a couple that holds it to be very sacred, which I find it is. It is something I only want to express and lose myself in with a man who will promise me the rest of his life. But when it comes down to it, it's just a physical expression of attraction- not "love for a personality." Many things can be just as, if not more, intimate than sex.  Sex can often lead to a false sense of "love" in a relationship. Our bodies are just designed to "love" our mate, even if they are wrong for us personality-wise. If sex is a deciding factor in a relationship and personality is ignored, then it isn't a healthy one for that means the other person doesn't love you for "you." These are some things I remind myself of when it comes down to "boundary crossing."

 

...But if a couple can make it through alone activities without giving in to physical cravings, then it proves how strongly the relationship supports personality as a priority. In my case, I handle temptation very well, so I wouldn't have a problem "slipping up" if me and my boyfriend took a trip alone together. I think I could even manage sleeping in the same bed, and not doing anything past kissing because that is how important this goal is to me. I constantly remind myself of why I made this choice and it is now simply part of who I am. But it all depends on the person- some are more tempted than others. As long as you keep your WTM goal in mind, it should be fairly easy to ignore lust and do the activities you've seen from others. :)

 

Also, just because you have sex with someone, it doesn't promise you'll stay attracted to them for a long period either. To me, an ideal husband would be a best friend I'm attracted to, and physical appearance, hygiene, personality traits, kissing/hugging/holding hands can all keep you attracted/interested in being more than friends. So, what I'm trying to say is, anything you see as non-WTM dating activities can be used for WTM dating, and intimacy/sexual attraction stretches out way further than just sex. ^_^ Will you accidentally get aroused by each other? Yes. Will you fantasize about each other? Probably. Will you desire to go further in  a heated moment? Probably. But this is normal, and it doesn't mean that not giving in to your instincts will make a relationship have less spark. Just remember your goal in these times and how much it means to you. Talk previously with your partner about your boundaries, step away from heated moments, cool down your mind/body with other thoughts. It's difficult sometimes, but it can be done. If you truly love each other, the spark will remain. ^_^

 

Hope this helped, sorry if I was a bit vague. :)

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I can answer this from experience. I am in a relationship that has gone on for 4 years and 2 months so far. I can say that I keep myself physically attractive to my girlfriend by working out and going to the gym :) She has been attractive to me since the very first time I saw her. I keep my eyes and thoughts only on her, to an acceptable limit of course, and therefore she is my only sexual interest. Once in a while I may think about more intimate things I would like to do with her in marriage, but when I'm with her or just going about daily business, I try to keep myself from such thoughts. If you're wondering, the most we do is cuddle and kiss from time to time, but that's enough to keep it going. Best of luck to you

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Although I haven't really been in a relationship before, I have done a lot of reading about it.  I've also done a lot of thinking, too.....

 

Because I have had so few romantic experiences at all -- I can tell you that when I do get into a relationship, it will be intimate and special.  

 

I agree with what everyone else has said so far, especially the comments that sex and intimacy are not identical terms.   They are related, of course.  I say this because I believe sex to be the ultimate example of what true romantic intimacy is -- it is a total giving of yourself to the other person in the deepest way possible.

 

However, there are steps to get to take to get there -- and the deepest level is best valued within the bounds of marriage -- otherwise it isn't really protected. 

 

Talking and getting to know another person can be very intimate, doing things together or going places together can be intimate, etc.  I know these things will be for me, and that I will treasure such time and experience.  Finally, when I am married, then this will all culminate in the wedding night.

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Maybe you could find another WTM couple to join you on these trips.  Get two hotel rooms and the girls stay in one the boys in the other?  This way you can still do all the fun trips and vacations you want to without worrying about any "hanky panky" happening.  It could be suggested to go by yourselves and still have two rooms, but what if you're saying goodnight and things start to go too far? With another couple there they would most likely make you stop anything, just like not spending too much time alone together.

 

There is nothing that says you can't be WTM and not do all the fun things your non-waiting friends are doing (except for the the extremely intimate things).  It all has to do with your desire to be WTM and creativity on how to keep things fun, adventurous, and spontaneous.

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Hi Jada,

 

There's a scene in Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldblum's character (the mathematician Dr. Malcolm) is explaining how dinosaurs that were all supposed to be female started having offspring. His explanation: "Life finds a way."

 

I think that's similar to how physical intimacy develops in long-term WTM relationships. Intimacy finds a way. From what I've seen, this usually involves striking a compromise on premarital physical stuff. Somewhere between "nothing" and "sex."

 

Long-term WTM couples also get comfortable with the boundaries that they have, and don't have to obsess about "slipping." This allows them to do things like take trips together, share a bed, have fun, and still keep their WTM status. 

 

So...

 

1. Nope, I don't think it's limiting at all. I've done all of the couples' trips and stuff you're talking about, and I'm still WTM.

 

2. If you love the person, physical stuff never completely loses its magic, no matter how limited your range of activity is. And you can still be inventive within your range off allowed things.  ;)

Thanks for the advice Mike. Now coming to think of it, I might have been overthinking it but its nice to know that people  to do all those things and still WTM. I love travelling and all that and am happy to know that am not limited to what I can do so long as there is communication and clear boundaries set...Thanks a mill :)

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I can answer this from experience. I am in a relationship that has gone on for 4 years and 2 months so far. I can say that I keep myself physically attractive to my girlfriend by working out and going to the gym :) She has been attractive to me since the very first time I saw her. I keep my eyes and thoughts only on her, to an acceptable limit of course, and therefore she is my only sexual interest. Once in a while I may think about more intimate things I would like to do with her in marriage, but when I'm with her or just going about daily business, I try to keep myself from such thoughts. If you're wondering, the most we do is cuddle and kiss from time to time, but that's enough to keep it going. Best of luck to you

Wow! Happy to hear you have maintained  intimacy in your relationship after such a long time. It seems when you are both committed to staying pure till marriage then maintaining intimacy should not be much of an issue. I just found this article and I think its quite interesting....

http://www.inspiredcreativity.org/2012/08/practical-ways-to-wait-till-marriage-to.html

All the best to both of you :)

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My boyfriend and I maintain intimacy by sharing hobbies together and playing video games together and such as well as having our own little inside jokes. We do have some touch too which helps, but so far nothing past first base and maybe a slightly beyond that, but nothing past second, he has pretty godly self-control though as do I, we just have no interest in sex right now since we are enjoying other parts of the relationship. 

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I shall be sorely disappointed if intimacy is a zero-sum game where either there is sexual activity, or no intimacy. I think if you asked the married couples of today (or the waiting couples of yester-day) this question, they would gently but quickly correct the idea that intimacy is sex and sex is intimacy. 

 

 

 

 

I have heard of that before but I have never really understood what it meant. To me, you could not have one without the other. I thought sex brought about intimacy. Maybe it's because of  the community I was brought up in or the guys I meet. Most  don't seem to be interested in doing things together not unless you are willing to give them the whole 'package' so in my mind it's almost impossible to get that intimacy without sex especially when it comes to men. 

Guess I have been totally misguided  :(

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Well Jada you don't have to have sex but you can makeout and such and it's a lot of fun! Just want to make sure that's not all ya'll do and you should be good. Like hang out with friends, get a snowcone, go to a park, hang out with eachothers families, tell eachother how ya'll feel about eachother always keep eachother's love flow going towards one another, hold hands, hug, tickle eachother, flirt with eachother, praise eachother, play fight, go shopping together, watch a movie at home together, or sit and just enjoy eachother's company, and the best part is sharing Holidays together like Christmas and walking in the cold together with the fresh, cold, air against ya'lls skin, snow falling and just laughing and being in love and getting hot chocolate afterwards ahhh it's endless! The way someone makes you feel stays with you a lot longer so building an emotional bond is more important than a physical bond and your relationship is more meaningful, deep, and intimate♥ All intimate means is being close to eachother,being tender with one another and close in spirit and in mind and being yourself and free and able to share any of your emotions with one another. My husband and I were intimate before we got married and we had a lot of ups and downs, good times and very low points but we ended up getting married and all those moments prepared us for where are today and it's a beautiful feeling. There were soo many times I wanted to give up on our relationshp but my husband never did and kept fighting and trying for our relationship and it worked out for the best and it truely is a special gift from Above♥ 

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Would love to take my wife on vacation and spend Christmas in England. Love the snow and hope to enjoy all holidays with my loved one.

the best part is sharing Holidays together like Christmas and walking in the cold together with the fresh, cold, air against ya'lls skin, snow falling and just laughing and being in love and getting hot chocolate afterwards ahhh it's endless!

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I mean...think about it. At some point in your life there will be no sex (deep deep deep way way way long down the road in marriage) but many old couples still seem so in love and do everything together but without sex so maintain intamacy in ways like you will have to eventually later on in life.

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1) I sometimes feel disappointed about this as well, but I talk to Phillip about this, and we both feel the same way. We plan out things that we want to do when we're married, and talk about it all the time. We've been on a couple trips together (one a two day trip to another country, and I stayed with my family while he got a hotel room), and another for a wedding, where there were so many people and so many things going on that we didn't have to worry about the risk of sex (we still stayed in separate rooms though to avoid assumptions).

 

2) We've been dating about 8 months now, and I know that we'll still feel intimate years from now, even without sex. This is going to sound terribly cheesy, but there's sparks between us that are there when we're kissing, hugging, even holding hands. The intimacy isn't even all that important, since I just love being around him, and spending time with him, no matter where we are. The love in our relationship makes it possible to be together without the intimacy of sex.

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