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Guest OneHappyGirl

Advice Please...

8 posts in this topic

OHG,

Sometimes it takes a really long time to get over someone. Truth is, you will still care for them but there is areason you're not together. For instance, I guy I went on a few dates with over the summer said he'll always care about the 2 girls he'd dates before, told them he loved them, I think slept with both. (only sure about one) He even said if they wanted to hang out again someay, he'd be open to it, but it wouldn't be just as friends. I couldn't believe it. I dated a guy for 6 months at the end of high school and he's dated other people after and when we run into each other we can still talk and what not, but that took a very long time. A year to be over him and comfortable around him at things. I think I was forced to because he started dating a girl 2 months after breaking up with me.

That was rough.

But, I'm not sure what to tell you. That is my personal experience and so I wanted you to know that is what I relate to you with. I don't know about sleeping with someone to help per se, but I'm trying to be objective here. Sadly I do have to admit that I have made out with a guy just to feel like someone still thinks I'm attractive, because that guy jumped into another relationship, while I"m always single. I know that wasn' the best decision, and it just didn't feel like "me" after, but that's what I did.

I actually did the same things again after a 1 month 'relatinoship' didn't work out--the guy still said he had feelings for his ex. I got set up on a blind date, went out with the guy a couple times and made out the last time. I guess I was just missing something physical in my life and was like "what the hell" I still kept within my "boundaries" though; he knew I was only going for that.

HOpe this mini-rant helps !

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but do you guys think I should try what he tried? Like, I can't believe I'm saying this but sleep with someone and I don't mean anyone like maybe a friend that I trust.

NOOOOOOO! ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I have been in a similar predicament like yours before and trust me, you will regret it if you just act brashly and sleep with a guy to get over your ex. I didn't have sex, but I kissed and made out another guy I didn't really care about so I could get over my ex. I still regret my rash actions today. You seem to be too sweet and romantic to not have any regrets if you actually go through with it.

I think the best way to get over your ex and move on is to go out with your friends, do fun things, and date other guys! Don't have sex to forget your ex, have FUN. That is how I got over my breakup. I went out a lot with supportive friends and met another guy who was 100x better in the process. You know never what new opportunities will come your way. Who knows, while you're out having fun and not keeping your mind on the ex, you might meet a great new guy! :)

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Don't sleep with someone just to get even with an ex, you are worth so much more than that, so stick with your morals, as you are worth waiting for.

I have been through the same sort of thing very recently except she cheated on me because I wouldn't sleep with her for about a year and kept trying to slow things down the year before because I wanted to WTM and it was temping to do it just to prove to myself that someone cared about me and found me attractive but I realised that its not me they would care about but the sex so I decided that it wasn't worth it as they would just be using me for sex and that is exactly what I was trying to get away from as I am worth more than just sex and so are you.

-Aaron

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trust me, you will regret it if you just act brashly and sleep with a guy to get over your ex. I didn't have sex, but I kissed and made out another guy I didn't really care about so I could get over my ex.

This. A hundred times this. Like Alice, I've made out with a girl to get over an ex. I felt dirty and miserable for months afterwards...plus I acted awfully towards the girl after the incident because I took out my self-disgust on her.

Keep in mind that A: That was just making out (doing stuff I'd done before) and B: Compared to many other waiters, I'm pretty liberal with physical stuff. It's not like I'm over-sensitive; it was a terrible experience all on its own.

Let me tell you why it feels so wretched.

Because it’s not the same. You do it looking for that same symphony of emotion you felt with your ex...trying to drown out its song. But what you find instead is dull and ugly, without emotion, and yet you feel the piece of yourself being given nonetheless. The contrast between this and what you wanted to feel --- what you miss --- is unbearable. It feels like you violated all the pure and good things you felt for your ex.

It doesn’t help you get over your ex, it immerses you in greater longing for them. And it makes you feel like a cheap whore as a bonus. Not a good idea.

Also, I second what others have said about you being worth much more than this. And what ThatGuy said is also very valid: You should take the "comforting offers" of your guy friends with a very big grain of salt. They may know you well, but they probably don't understand your desire to wait, and so they don't realize what it would mean for you to break it. For them, it's just casual sex. They don't understand that sex isn't casual for you.

Your desperation is clouding your judgement right now. Don't do something self-destructive in this state. Don't change who you are just to be on his level.

If you want to get back together with him, then having to deal with his intervening sexual experience might be the price you have to pay for breaking it off with him. Otherwise, move on. You broke it off with him for a reason. Remember that reason.

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Do you guys really think it's a bad idea I mean look at society everyone does it and everyone forgets the person they lost. That's my goal I want to forget about him even if he's standing right there next to me. That's what my ex did, I want to forget him just as easily as he's forgotten me and no I don't want to sleep with someone just because he did. I want to move on and erase him from my memory and since he was able to that and I've tried everything else I don't know what's left. That must be the answer, right? I don't want it to be the answer but I don't want to be sad about it anymore either. I want to be light and happy like I used to be.

It might seem like it's been a while since everything ended, but you might just need to give yourself more time. I went through something similiar when I was in college. I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I found out was cheating on me and for a while after our break up, I tried to prove a lot of things to myself by focusing on how much extra attention I was getting. When it really came down to it, I felt worse. I felt worse that none of this meant anything and worse each time I realized that I was sitting there still thinking about someone who wasn't thinking about me when he was sleeping with someone else. I missed my ex more when these guys didn't act/feel/respond the way he did. Eventually, I realized I was spending so much time/directing my actions to get back at someone who wasn't even in my life (and felt rediculous) and got back to feeling like my old self.

For the most part, I have no regrets, which personally I don't think I would be able to say if I hadn't stuck to my values. Fast forward a few years: I had a run-in with my ex, who spent time telling me how I was the best thing he ever had/what a mistake he made. It was nice of him, but I can't say I felt much more for him than I would've for a stranger. Have I totally "forgotten" or erased him from my memory? No. And I don't know that I ever will. Going through that break up was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I wouldn't take it back for the world. I learned a lot about myself and my values, and am so grateful for that whole experience. Things have a way of working themselves out. Give yourself some more time and focus on yourself!

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*XOXOXOXXOXO* okay okay I just sent all you guys big hugs and kisses and if ya'll arent the touch-feely type ya'll are just gonna have to deal with it because ya'll really really really helped me times 10! Seriously. I really hope I get meet you all in person ya'll are simply wonderful! Muah! I know I don't know ya'll personally or haven't met any of ya'll yet but ya'll already mean so much to me♥

but I will say in my friends defense maybe because they are non-waiters and like Mike said view sex as casual and take it lightly maybe that's the only type of remedy that have to offer because that's how the handle their problems to get over the person or atleast it sure seems that way. Just maybe. but I really wanted to ask you guys and get ya'lls perspective as we share the same views on WTM so I wanted to see how ya'll dealt with it or personal experiencs ya'll could share and each of ya'll really helped me see things better as I felt really lonely in my decision and started to second guess if it was worth the trouble.

Liz and Alice I wanted to thank you ladies for sharing how things got better for ya'll even though it was tough and how it turned out to be the best choice ya'll ever made♥

Sally, ThatGuy, & EnglishGuy I also really appreciate ya'll words of encouragment. & TG you're advice didn't sound harsh just very sincere :) I thank ya'll for being so understanding but I felt so lost about who to talk to cus it get tough sometimes I guess

Thank ya'll for sharing ya'lls experiences with me and how it wasnt a good thing to go to someone else. I just assumed that since he did so much with someone else that was how I could get over him too. That night at the rave was actually the first time in over a year I let a guy near me because I was too sad to let anyone even hug me as it brought too many flashbacks. Maybe being sad was a good thing lol

and Steph and Mike that is the problem- taking him back isn't even an alternative and I guess that's what makes me sad is because I know I would love to be back with him and have him back in my life and would take him back and be a better person for him but because everything that's happened I know I can't and it would be a bad idea so that's why I get sad. I would like to but I can't and am not so that's why it's hard for me.

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and words of wisdom because ya'll were really big help to me and shedding some light on me. I wish ya'll all well in ya'll life journey♥ Be blessed♥

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