wny

Why do you Think more Men want Only Virgins?

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I only want a virgin to be honest; however, finding a needle in a haystack would not even be a compatible analogy in finding a guy who is a virgin that I am compatible enough with to consider marriage. The pool to draw from has been drastically limited. Sometimes it makes me dizzy just thinking about it; so, I have to consider the fact that it may never happen, its not my choice but as ages go up the number of people who remain virgins drop like flies, and like disturbed flies the remaining ones are scattered. 

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Duh. Of course there aren't any absolutes. Like I said--its about maximizing your chances.  

That's how I feel about guys, I feel he will still be reminiscing on those days he had other women and pondering what new women might be like he probably may even start missing those days. So I'd like to give myself a fighting chance as well. 

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Iranian here. Huge deal in my culture.

 

Infact, in some really traditional families, the groom's mom must check a bride's hymen. If she has lost it in one way or another that did not include sex, she must go to some "religious doctor" to get a certificate for the incident. (Horse riding etc..).

 

If you marry a non-virgin you are sometimes considered a heretic of your culture, a disgrace to your family. If your wife is found to be non-pure, she is considered a whore (sorry), and shunned by the groom's family.

 

Personally (as someone not waiting until marriage and someone whose had sex once thus breaking the v-card), I don't care for this. But since finding this site, I find myself enlightened on the subject and may take it up ;)

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Iranian here. Huge deal in my culture.

Infact, in some really traditional families, the groom's mom must check a bride's hymen. If she has lost it in one way or another that did not include sex, she must go to some "religious doctor" to get a certificate for the incident. (Horse riding etc..).

Personally (as someone not waiting until marriage and someone whose had sex once thus breaking the v-card), I don't care for this. But since finding this site, I find myself enlightened on the subject and may take it up ;)

I've heard about that hymen thing before, I have also heard back before sex was anything but inside of marriage or in some cultures (one of those two) that the family would wait outside the room that the newly weds are having sex in. After they're done they're supposed to come out with the sheets with a bloodstain showing she really was a virgin, well some women or a lot, don't have the hymen for a multitude of reasons, so the bride would cut her finger and wipe the blood on the sheets.

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Hi everyone - this is my first post. I have wondered about the male preference for virginity for a long time. (I'm male.) The best I can figure is that there is an historical basis for this attitude. The oldest "root" of this attitude relates to venereal disease and the fact that it has only been very recent that contracting VD was not seriously debilitating or fatal. I believe that ancient peoples somehow figured out that virgins didn't transmit VD, and thus were very desirable.

 

The second historical basis, in my opinion, relates to the fascination/obsession of the Catholic Church with virginity. (Another interesting question might be, Why is the Catholic Church so interested in virginity?)

 

I suspect there are a number of modern reasons, also, for the interest in virginity, many of them posted here, why many men and some women are concerned about virginity. I myself have a very strong desire not to become involved with a woman with a sexual past. I don't like the idea that she has shared her most intimate self with someone other than me.

Edited by Thoreau
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Because purity is still seen as beautiful and desirable in a woman. Purity in a man? That's just a strange concept. Virginity in a woman is seen as a sign as purity - she values relationships and love, she is most likely to be loyal. No man has gotten to her yet. But girls don't care about virginity in a guy because we're not taught to and because society places 0 value on it (unfortunately.) Men are more likely to want a virginal partner than women do, and women are more likely to want a financially successful partner than a man does.

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Because of gender stereotypes. Men are meant to have power and be strong according to stereotypes. Women are called names for being promiscuous but men aren't called anything for the same. It's expected that men can sleep around when they're young, then settle down with someone of virtue when they decide they're done partying. It's a bigger deal if its a male virgin because men are going more against the grain than whats expected for a woman. If a guy does something it's more influential because he has more power/strength than women, which is also why girls try to flaunt being bisexual/can wear female or male attire but a man will get criticized for looking feminine even if he is not. If a head of the household (guy) goes to church his family is like 80%? More likely to attend than if only the mom is going. Guys are about doing and since sex is an action then it means a lot for a guy to wait. If a guy blows up a girls phone the girl can't say much because he has the power but if a girl blows up a guys she's labelled a 'psycho' or 'clingy.' (At least in mine and my friends' experience anyway...) It's the power and men who haven't had sex would look less powerful not finding someone of their equal worth. I know not every guy thinks this way but that's just my guess.

Guys probably feel like it's harder for them to wait because of society, but I kind of think its equally hard for each sex to wait if they're virgins. Im sorry if my feminist side is coming out for this answer. O_x Im not sure if you can tell but Ive taken a gender stereotypes class. Hahaha.

But in any case I feel like if someone is a virgin regardless of gender, that they should be able to choose whether they want someone of equal sexual experience or not. ;)

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I really can't speak for anyone else.  I can only give my own personal take on things.

Most of my life I have been adamant about only marying a virgin.  As well, for most of my life the thought never even occured to me to consider marrying someone who wasn't close to my age.  I've pretty much let both of those ideas go the past few years for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, when you get to my age, the pool of potential mates is rather thin to begin with.  Filter out any woman who is not a virgin and suddenly slim pickin's diminishes to almost zero.  Whatever their age group, the number of virgin women who might be a compatible and willing mate for a 36 year old is just almost non-existent. Within the area in which I live -- a town of over fifty thousand and perhaps another thirty thousand in the surrounding area and outlying communities -- I'll bet I'd be hard pressed to find a dozen virgins who might be compatible with me as a mate.

Second, if I place all kinds of restrictions like age, race, body type, virginity, etc. on potential romantic interests, I might very well be precluding "the one," if there is such a thing.  The woman of my dreams, the woman with whom I might share a marriage that goes beyond my wildest imaginings, could very well be a non-virgin; be black, hispanic, or asian; be over a decade older or younger than me; be overweight or be thin as rail; etc.  I have no clue who God might have waiting in the wings for me.  He might very well have the perfect mate all picked out and be waiting for the appropriate time.  If I insist on having only a virgin, I might very well lose my opportunity to spend the rest of my life with the best possible match for me -- the woman who completes me and truly makes me whole, the woman who makes my time spent in this world worth having been here.  If I am ever presented with that opportunity, I simply can't afford to pass it up for any reason.

That being said, I would be lying if I denied that my heart leaps when I think of my future wife being a virgin like me.  Deep down inside, in some way, that is what feels most right to me.  On some level I would feel safer and my emotional, spriritual, and physical vulnerability to her would be fuller and more complete somehow, at least initially.  There is also something else that I can't quite put my finger on -- a release of burden on me, perhaps.  If my future wife is a virgin, I will rejoice in that.  If she isn't, she is still going to get my all.  I will hold nothing back from her because of that.  I will not love, cherish, or delight in her any less than if she were a virgin.  My very real suspicion is that the longer we are married -- the deeper we grow together, connect, and become one -- the less meaning and importance her sexual past will have.

I think about how painful it would be if she loved me less because of things from my past or held them against me and, I just cannot do that to her.  I cannot go into a marriage like that.  When we start our marriage, the slate gets wiped clean.  The day we are married, she becomes my virgin.  God has given me that very same gift and I cannot deny it to somone that I fall in love with.

 

This... YES!!

 

If we are truly asking God for HIS WILL, then we can put NO limitations on what He can and will do! If we are waiting on what He has in store for us, then we have to be open to the unlimited possibilities. Keep your heart open and trust in Him.

 

Once again, Mat, very very well said.

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The second historical basis, in my opinion, relates to the fascination/obsession of the Catholic Church with virginity. (Another interesting question might be, Why is the Catholic Church so interested in virginity?)

 

...What?!

 

xxx

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I think men probably like it that the woman hasn't been "used" before. They like the idea that they are settIng the bar for the woman and not previous partners. Also, many of these same virgin-only men know what it's like to be with a used woman or to use many woman so they know what problems could occur from that. One more thing! If the guys are using the car example for their actions in their unmarried lives right now they could also say when it's time to get married, that they'd rather "purchase" a new car and not a used one.

BTW: this is not meant as an insult to a non virgin and Is a generalization of a common sex-crazed man and I mean know offense in my opinions-thank ya

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I'd like to add that the reality is that most men, at least in Western countries, aren't really concerned whether the one they marry is a virgin or not.

 

Seriously... for those that this issue is a big concern is a very, very minute minority.

 

So while it's true more men than women yearn for a virgin bride, let's not lose sight of the fact that the vast majority of men don't really invest that much emotional energy into this issue.

 

It is, however, probably far more common among those guys WTM and/or virgins than those who are not WTM or are not virgins to be concerned over whether their lover is a virgin or not. And this ultimately makes sense. I assume that if you have a sexual past it's significantly easier to overlook someone else's sexual past because you're both coming to the table with past sexual experiences/love. If you both have "baggage" from past relationships maybe in a way it kinda cancels them out.

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"I'd like to add that the reality is that most men, at least in Western countries, aren't really concerned whether the one they marry is a virgin or not.

 

"Seriously... for those that this issue is a big concern is a very, very minute minority.

 

"So while it's true more men than women yearn for a virgin bride, let's not lose sight of the fact that the vast majority of men don't really invest that much emotional energy into this issue.

 

"It is, however, probably far more common among those guys WTM and/or virgins than those who are not WTM or are not virgins to be concerned over whether their lover is a virgin or not. And this ultimately makes sense. I assume that if you have a sexual past it's significantly easier to overlook someone else's sexual past because you're both coming to the table with past sexual experiences/love. If you both have "baggage" from past relationships maybe in a way it kinda cancels them out."

 

 

 

Can you cite the source of your data?

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What do you mean, "What?!"

 

You said, and I quote:

 

The second historical basis, in my opinion, relates to the fascination/obsession of the Catholic Church with virginity. (Another interesting question might be, Why is the Catholic Church so interested in virginity?)

 

 

I just wanted to know what you meant when you said the Catholic Church was "obsessed" with virginity, and what you meant by asking "Why is the Catholic Church so interested in virginity?" I just don't get it, since I've been Catholic my whole life, and I've never found the Catholic Church to be "obsessed" with virginity. It's just so out of the blue for you to say that!

 

The only thing I can think of would be that we believe Mary conceived Jesus virginally, but that's not a specifically Catholic belief, and even if it was, just teaching she was a virgin doesn't equal being "obsessed" with virginity! Or I guess you could be saying that because the Church teaches no sex before marriage, and therefore by extension, teaches that you should be a virgin when you get married. But again, that's not a specifically Catholic belief, and since you're on a waiting till marriage website, I'm assuming you don't think WTM = being "obsessed" with virginity!

 

Seriously, I'm just surprised by your question! It'd be like if you'd said, "Why is the Catholic Church so obsessed with women staying in the home?" I'd be like, "What?! Since when?" :P

 

xxx

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Can you cite the source of your data?

 

 

My source is me, my interactions with people and my observations of people, and what I say is largely self-evident anyways. Most guys who have a sexual past in Western countries are not concerned with whether their future bride is a virgin or not. It's just not something they really concern themselves with.

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It's easier if both my wife and I are virgins because

1 no STD Risk

2 she no one to compare me to so I can take I slow is wouldn't mind.

3. We can try out new stuff such as positions as the marriage progresses

4. She will not be in a hurry to have sex.

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You said, and I quote:

 

 

I just wanted to know what you meant when you said the Catholic Church was "obsessed" with virginity, and what you meant by asking "Why is the Catholic Church so interested in virginity?" I just don't get it, since I've been Catholic my whole life, and I've never found the Catholic Church to be "obsessed" with virginity. It's just so out of the blue for you to say that!

 

The only thing I can think of would be that we believe Mary conceived Jesus virginally, but that's not a specifically Catholic belief, and even if it was, just teaching she was a virgin doesn't equal being "obsessed" with virginity! Or I guess you could be saying that because the Church teaches no sex before marriage, and therefore by extension, teaches that you should be a virgin when you get married. But again, that's not a specifically Catholic belief, and since you're on a waiting till marriage website, I'm assuming you don't think WTM = being "obsessed" with virginity!

 

Seriously, I'm just surprised by your question! It'd be like if you'd said, "Why is the Catholic Church so obsessed with women staying in the home?" I'd be like, "What?! Since when?" :P

 

 

xxx

 

 

 

 

Hi Jegsy - You make good points. I could have and should have chosen my words more carefully. To a degree, I was showing that I'm not Catholic and made some statements that were a bit extreme, but I don't think completely wrong. How about if I had said the Catholic Church is "interested" in virginity, not obsessed. I wouldn't doubt either that other religions might have similar "interests". I'm not an expert in comparative religions, nor, apparently, even in Catholicism. (I am Episcopalian by birth.) I didn't mean to offend Catholics with my statements. I have been interested for a long time in why, for some of us, myself included, the virginity of our most significant partners is so important. I expounded my VD theory, and I do think that some religions (is that better?) have also, historically and presently, been a factor.

 

Don't you have to admit that the Catholic Church has called some attention on the concept of virginity, especially regarding the Virgin Mary? Do we really know that it was a virgin birth, and if so, why did it have to be a virgin birth?

 

Do you think that virginity has any historical ancestry? If so (I don't think it was only recently discovered as a concept), what are the historical roots, in your opinion? I have an open mind and I welcome new ideas.

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Because they can't love a woman unconditionally. They can't accept her fully for who she is and what she's been through. "She had sex. So I can't be with her." That's conditional love and in essence is not a full love. You're valuing her worth based on factors and not based on her the human being.

That's an example of why a guy can only be with a virgin. It's also an example of a very negative reason to not be with someone of experience.

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Because they can't love a woman unconditionally. They can't accept her fully for who she is and what she's been through. "She had sex. So I can't be with her." That's conditional love and in essence is not a full love. You're valuing her worth based on factors and not based on her the human being.

That's an example of why a guy can only be with a virgin. It's also an example of a very negative reason to not be with someone of experience.

 

The reality is that everyone's love is conditional and that the virginity deal-breaker gets singled out by people who somehow think their deal-breakers are better than some other people's.

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Because they can't love a woman unconditionally. They can't accept her fully for who she is and what she's been through. "She had sex. So I can't be with her." That's conditional love and in essence is not a full love. You're valuing her worth based on factors and not based on her the human being.

That's an example of why a guy can only be with a virgin. It's also an example of a very negative reason to not be with someone of experience.

But don't we all choose our spouse based on conditions and factors such as values, religion, physical attraction, finances etc? That in and of itself is conditional.

I agree in that I personally don't have virginity as a deal breaker. However, I don't agree that romantic love should be unconditional. I would not love a woman in a romantic sense if she was a liar, a cheat, abusive or malicious. Its too special kind of a love to be unconditional and it should be reserved only for someone who is worthy of it.

That being said I don't think a persons past should keep me from loving someone provided they have learned from it and a better person in the present. However, the past does have consequences on the present. We would be naive not to acknowledge that. Whether you are willing to accept the consequences of someone's past is entered up to the individual.

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Because they can't love a woman unconditionally. They can't accept her fully for who she is and what she's been through. "She had sex. So I can't be with her." That's conditional love and in essence is not a full love. You're valuing her worth based on factors and not based on her the human being.

That's an example of why a guy can only be with a virgin. It's also an example of a very negative reason to not be with someone of experience.

 

I'll love my wife conditionally and I hope she loves me conditionally. I'm not going to "accept" a woman as my wife, I'm going to choose her, and the criteria on which I base that choice have no bearing on my ability to love.

 

 

However, I don't agree that romantic love should be unconditional. I would not love a woman in a romantic sense if she was a liar, a cheat, abusive or malicious. Its too special kind of a love to be unconditional and it should be reserved only for someone who is worthy of it.

 

Amen!

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Because they can't love a woman unconditionally. They can't accept her fully for who she is and what she's been through. "She had sex. So I can't be with her." That's conditional love and in essence is not a full love. You're valuing her worth based on factors and not based on her the human being.

That's an example of why a guy can only be with a virgin. It's also an example of a very negative reason to not be with someone of experience.

I don't understand why it's wrong to want to be happy. If I wouldn't be happy with a non-virgin, why should I feel like there is something wrongly "conditional" about my love? What if you met someone who had a great personality, but the two of you just didn't "click" and you weren't happy? Would it be wrongly "conditional" of you to break up with her? I can't imagine one would say that it is.

 

I think people misunderstand the phrase "unconditional love." It is perfectly acceptable to choose a spouse based on qualities that you know will make you happy and fulfilled. Once you're then married, that is when you shouldn't suddenly wrongly condition your love. Say, for instance, your spouse makes a bad dinner one night and you say, "This is it. I don't love you anymore." Or maybe after a few years into the marriage he or she gains a few pounds (not a lot, just a few and they still look pretty good and they're making a decent effort to look good for you) so you call it quits. I think those are examples of being wrongly conditional with your love. But, deciding not to marry someone because of something you know would make you unhappy (not being a virgin, for instance) is in no way similar to those two examples.

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Many men (myself inclued) would only marry a virgin due to fact being I am a virgin, STD Risk and so she can feel safe in my arms and in the knowledge that she will never catch any STDs from me and I will never ever leave. I am a guy who just love to cuddle at night and enjoy a sweet night at home watching Netflix Marrying virgin is just one of many factors.

I think people misunderstand the phrase "unconditional love." It is perfectly acceptable to choose a spouse based on qualities that you know will make you happy and fulfilled. Once you're then married, that is when you shouldn't suddenly wrongly condition your love. Say, for instance, your spouse makes a bad dinner one night and you say, "This is it. I don't love you anymore." Or maybe after a few years into the marriage he or she gains a few pounds (not a lot, just a few and they still look pretty good and they're making a decent effort to look good for you) so you call it quits. I think those are examples of being wrongly conditional with your love. But, deciding not to marry someone because of something you know would make you unhappy (not being a virgin, for instance) is in no way similar to those two examples.

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