Tatyana

Burning Bridges and Forgiving

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I wasn't sure where to put this but I have been seeing articles and quotes saying one should never burn bridges, Im sorry but I dont see anything wrong with it.  I actually think its healthy to remove negative people from your life if they are harmful in anyway. Maybe Im misinterpreting the meaning?

This is something I struggle with personally as a christian we are suppose to forgive but when is enough, enough?

Ive never been the type to let people disrespect me and walk all over me no matter what I dont play that and I dont think anyone else should stand for it.

 

For example...(this may be a while)

I recently moved out of "my grandfathers" house I put quotes around that  because Ive only just met him this past year and I dont consider him family. When I moved in with him a couple months ago things were rough with me and I was working hard and studying even harder.

 

In the beginning he was welcoming with open arms nice and sweet...then I discovered who he really was and things turned out horribly after about a month, when my cousin moved in.

 

I would over hear him cursing out my cousin for not going to church :blink: and calling her worthless and talking bad about her family (her and her mother were both physically and sexually abused) When I heard what he said to her I felt horrible because I knew this is something she dealt with everyday. 

Well finals started to come up so I was stressed, working my butt off to finish some essays and study...when one day he came into my room and started yelling at me about little things that I had nothing to do with.  Things escalated more and more later on and my cousin who couldnt take it anymore finally moved out leaving me behind in the wrath :wacko: .  Before my cousin left she told me he isnt really a good person and that ALL of his kids dont talk to him anymore because of that.

 

 The final straw was when everything blew up in my face I was tired of feeling like everything was my fault only to come home to hell. My boyfriend and I broke up, I lost my job, a "good friend" of mine turned their back on me everything was just all bad and all at once, he only made things worse, I was crying every night and I was tired of it. He yelled and cursed at me for eating without asking permission and told me I should eat outside, he was so angry .

I knew I didnt do anything wrong it was just things he was dealing with.  So I finally fought back and stood up for myself, I didnt yell at him at all but that just pissed him off more and he kept yelling..but I was glad ^_^

I felt free because for those short months I was tired of being put down, and yelled at it just wasnt a healthy atmosphere to be in. My sister saw what being there was doing to me so she and her neighbor helped me pack my stuff that night.

 

Now my issue is I think I forgave him because I know he may be going through some things that I didnt know about...BUT I NEVER want to see or hear from him again. Nothing can excuse his behavior ...honestly he is irrelevent to me, in my life and I dont care what happens in his. The only reason I discussed this is because when Fathers day comes up.  My dad will more than likely want me to go to dinner with him and his father aka "the granpa" and I cant see myself going. :mellow:

 

 I cannot pretend like I dont know who he really is and I dont care about being polite.  Another thing that upsets me is my Father telling me "not to take it personal" "people get frustrated its just life" but I think...why does that old bastard deserve my presence? it angers me when Im told I have to put up with certain people and not to let it bother me. It wont bother me if I never see him again.

 

My father is an Ex- con/gangster who has been locked up most of my life so I never connected with him  or met that side of the family nor do I care to for many many good reasons. I know thats cold but Im tired of crappy messed up people coming into my life and Im obligated to deal with them "because theyre family" especially since none of them were there for me when I was a child. When we were homeless and hungry no one from that side of the family was there to help, they weren't locked up and now that my dad is out...all of them want to know me, its just hard for me to accept and it all just pisses me off. for that reason I was really close to removing my dad from my life.

 

Anyway I know forgiving is good for the soul but I can never forget the things Ive had to go through in life, I can be a really sweet loving person but I refuse to show/waste that on people who dont deserve any of it...family or not.

lol

sorry it was so long but I guess I just wanted to you to understand where my question comes from

 

Am I a bad person for kicking people out of my life? burning bridges is it wrong? also I notice when looking for a significant other many people look to see if they are close to their family, what if the family situation is unhealthy? then what?

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I have always and will always believe forgiveness is key. But this does not mean you have to forgive any one at all, ever. Something's can not be forgiven, some things need to be forgiven. Kicking negative people out of your life is a great thing to do, they'll only bring you down more. Just remember your not required to forgive anyone.

I myself will forgive my mother of the horribly selfish things she has done and how she harmed the family. While I may forgive her I will never accept her, when I am asked about my parents I speak only of my father. When my mother is old and feeble and comes asking for help, I will turn her away.

While I am not religious, I'm agnostic, I still live in some ways by words in the bible and this is a quote from there.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you"

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You are certainly not a bad person for burning bridges. I've learned the hard way that you are better without certain people in your life, even if they are family. There is no reason to keep people around who are abusive or a bad influence in your life. That stuff can only bring you down. You want to surround yourself with people who care about you and want the best for you. I've cut out many people in my life who have treated me bad or took advantage of me and my life became much better.

 

The important thing is forgiving those people who have wrong you and not to part ways still holding anything against them. I know it's extremely hard to do and it's opposite of what feels natural but it's something that needs to be happen for your own sake if not for theirs. I know first hand how destructive holding a grudge is. There were two people in my previous job who screwed me over and got me fired when it wasn't my fault and I hated them both for a long time, even to the point where I wanted to get even. But I hated the person I became. I was nothing but a bitter and angry person all the time. It wasn't until I decided to let go of all that could I really make peace with the past and move on.

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Simply put -- forgiving is not something we do for others, rather it is something we do for ourselves. It enables us to let go and to move on and build a better future and present by learning from the past.

 

You are not a bad person for cutting these people out -- in fact I find it an admirable quality. I have trouble doing that sometimes, but then I'm like, I'm just fooling the both of us. It's not going to help anything that's for sure. People like that have to learn for themselves and change for themselves, if theyre fortunate enough to realize what they just lost, then its up to them to prove themselves.

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Sometimes you have to cut people out to move ahead. I just like to think of it as  you can love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to like them. I also especially like to think this way about family. We don't get to pick our family so being family shouldn't make you obligated to like someone. 

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Hmm Im glad to know that its ok to remove some people from my life...some people say you are supposed to atleast be cordial with the person.   I cannot see myself doing that with the people I've cut out from my life and I really dont think its healthy, I can probly sit there with a fake smile on my face but I cannot and will not do small talk.

 

@Vince that is hard to do I cant tell if I have a grudge or not I just know I dont care for the person and never want to see them again.

In the past when people got me fired I never wanted revenge I was just annoyed everytime someone brought up their name, I just wanted to move on being around negative people can change who you are and I dont want to jeopardize that.

 

What about if they have done nothing wrong to me personally but theyve made bad life choices? and now they want my help

...my "brother" (my fathers son) got locked up right after my dad got out SMH (what a lovely family) and after about 2 years of him being in there he started writing to me.

Telling me he wants me to meet his cell mate because hes a "good guy", then pick him(my brother) up when he gets out...in 5 years and he wants me to help him get back on his feet so we can develop a relationship...what am I a charity? I dont want any thugs in my life and I dont think its fair to me that I have to be around them...Im thinking of cutting him out too until he gets his life together.  I just think when I have kids I dont want them to be around them I just dont like the whole idea altogether. Its a bad influence, I want my children to be around people that have succeeded in life and have lived the right way.  But with the quote Josh put up..."bear with eachother" does that really mean I should allow him and other bad apples into my life? *sigh* I just wanna get away from it all and be at peace.  Im completely content with cutting that whole side of the family out too much going on over there.

 

@Veni I dont love them either I guess thats why they bother me... there is just no room for them I feel like...but I think I know what you mean, with my mother there were some issues but because she took care of us the best she could I kept her at arms length, I still loved her but I didnt like her at the time.

 

@ cou youre right forgiving is a powerful feeling it can be hard to cut some people out but its usually for the best.

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@ Mstr Josh no offense but you sound like a hypocrite. How can you say that you forgive your mother but then

"I myself will forgive my mother of the horribly selfish things she has done and how she harmed the family. While I may forgive her I will never accept her, when I am asked about my parents I speak only of my father. When my mother is old and feeble and comes asking for help, I will turn her away."

That makes no sense whatsoever......

@ tatyana

First and foremost take care of yourself. My mother told me once that everyone in life at one point or another will fail you. You come into this world alone and you will leave this world alone. More importantly learn to forgive. Forgive gramps for being mean I understand he yells and probably isnt the nicest person but remember he still is your gramp, family is family at the end of the day. Now I'm not saying you should become best friends with him but I do think it would be nice if you went to that dinner that you mentioned. Now you may be wondering "what happens if he starts talking to me?" Simple just keep your answers short and sweet.

Now moving on to your brother. Personally I would just tell him that he needs to show you that he's changed before you extend out your hand to help him. I understand he needs a helping hand but at the same time, your time is just as valuable and it would be time wasted if you helped him and then he got locked up again.

whichever choice you make, I wish you the best of luck, may everything work out for you :)

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It makes perfect sense, I don't consider her my mother anymore, In time I will forgive her, but she will need to pay for her mistakes.

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I, personally, am not such a forgiving person. Things like abuse - all forms - are not forgivable. I don't care if that person has had a hard life, or is going through a rough time; if I feel abused, there is no forgiveness. I could certainly NEVER forget. The whole "forgive and forget" thing is bogus. Sure, I've forgiven things before (never anything major) but I still remember them, and depending on how bad they were, they still cause me pain. Some people are just hideously ugly creatures, and deserve no forgiveness at all.

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@wanderingchef hmmm...then I guess Im just not ready for that, this is the first time these people have entered my life and this is what theyve shown me, at this time its hard to let go of how he made me feel. And as for my brother I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation(mainly because he tried to hook me up with his cell mate) my reaction was to backoff and disappear its the only way I knew how to deal with it...as for the dinner we'll see what happens when the day comes. 

 

Like Sophie said I cannot forget what that hideous man has shown me.

Thats something I will have to work on I guess,thankfully I have a couple of months til then.

 

And I like that quote from your mother, thats something I must remember because I have a tendency to shut people out as soon as they disrespect me or mess up I wish I knew of that earlier, but Im learning.

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this is my opinion on the matter, personally i dont think you should completely cut anyone especially family out of you life, i mean you can not talk to them and let them know in your own way that your upset. but to completely cut someone out meaning to not love them, not to forgive them, and if they are in desperate need not to help them and turn away that i feel is wrong and cold. we are to be christ like and forgive, i know its hard and alotta times youll never forget but when you forgive someone you look at the event that took place in a completely different light and take it like a learning experiance. idk if anyone still has those wwjd bracelets or not but remember what that means "what would jesus do", if what you plan to do whether its cutting someone out of your life or whatever, think to yourself is this what jesus would have done in this situation. we must remember all the suffering and pain jesus dealt with on his way to the cross, alotta people forget all the whipping, spitting, crown of thorns on his head, nails though his hands and feet holding him up on the cross meaning all his body weight was on those nails. with all of that taken place and all the rdicule and mocking, jesus didnt try to fight back but instead the last words he said before he died was "forgive them father for they know not what they do", none of us in this life will ever know the full extent of what jesus went through but im sure it had to of been alot worse than alot of the crap we deal with today. forgiveness came though jesus's death, he forgave all, and though it maybe hard to forgive someone if theyve wrong you just remember what he did for you, what he did for all of us, wiping our slate clean. we are all brothers and sisters in christ so we should love one another no matter what, you dont have to like what the person does or says, heck you dont even have to like them but love them for who they are not what they are. let me finish with this i know this is kinda getting long but "does not forgiving someone really make you any better than they are", to be witnesses of christ and to show this world what gods love is all about we need to be the better person, love one another and turn the other cheek when we get hurt.

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Tatyana, your gut feeling is telling you what to do, and it is always right.  Burn those bridges!  In other words, healthy boundaries are very positive in life.  You can use them for everyone you encounter for the rest of your life.  It is your job to keep yourself safe.  Stay in healthy environments and keep abusers at a distance.  You didn't know your grandpa all this time for a good reason.

Forgiving does not require forgetting.  In fact, forgiving and forgetting collectively isn't healthy for it encourages the behavior of repeat offenders. Again, healthy boundaries.  (Example of boundaries: You can say hello, but don't let them in your house.)

Through my experience, looking at the family of a potential significant other is vital.  Of course, anyone can overcome their past, but many many many times people are unable to.  I have observed that an unhealthy relationship between a mother and her son effect every relationship that son will have in his future.  I hope and pray that that is not the case for everyone (but it sure is common).  I understand that it is a difficult thing to do.  Another thing to consider when examining a potential significant other is who were their role models (the involved caretakers), that doesn't necessarily have to be their biological mother or biological father.  With your example, the absence of your father and grandfather were more positive than their presence. 

Keep following your intuition, Tatyana.  It is speaking loud and clear.

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What about if they have done nothing wrong to me personally but theyve made bad life choices? and now they want my help

...my "brother" (my fathers son) got locked up right after my dad got out SMH (what a lovely family) and after about 2 years of him being in there he started writing to me.

Telling me he wants me to meet his cell mate because hes a "good guy", then pick him(my brother) up when he gets out...in 5 years and he wants me to help him get back on his feet so we can develop a relationship...what am I a charity? I dont want any thugs in my life and I dont think its fair to me that I have to be around them...Im thinking of cutting him out too until he gets his life together.  I just think when I have kids I dont want them to be around them I just dont like the whole idea altogether. Its a bad influence, I want my children to be around people that have succeeded in life and have lived the right way.  But with the quote Josh put up..."bear with eachother" does that really mean I should allow him and other bad apples into my life? *sigh* I just wanna get away from it all and be at peace.  Im completely content with cutting that whole side of the family out too much going on over there.

Tatyana, You are smart!  I can tell!  This is tough ONLY because this is your brother.  It sounds to me that he is very willing to take advantage of you besides the fact that you are his own sister.  Sounds like that's the only way this side of your family knows how to treat people.  It is a power and control cycle.  I am impressed with your strong sense of intuition.

An alternative to burning bridges?  Loosen the bolts a little each day.

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this is my opinion on the matter, personally i dont think you should completely cut anyone especially family out of you life, i mean you can not talk to them and let them know in your own way that your upset. but to completely cut someone out meaning to not love them, not to forgive them, and if they are in desperate need not to help them and turn away that i feel is wrong and cold. we are to be christ like and forgive, i know its hard and alotta times youll never forget but when you forgive someone you look at the event that took place in a completely different light and take it like a learning experiance. idk if anyone still has those wwjd bracelets or not but remember what that means "what would jesus do", if what you plan to do whether its cutting someone out of your life or whatever, think to yourself is this what jesus would have done in this situation. we must remember all the suffering and pain jesus dealt with on his way to the cross, alotta people forget all the whipping, spitting, crown of thorns on his head, nails though his hands and feet holding him up on the cross meaning all his body weight was on those nails. with all of that taken place and all the rdicule and mocking, jesus didnt try to fight back but instead the last words he said before he died was "forgive them father for they know not what they do", none of us in this life will ever know the full extent of what jesus went through but im sure it had to of been alot worse than alot of the crap we deal with today. forgiveness came though jesus's death, he forgave all, and though it maybe hard to forgive someone if theyve wrong you just remember what he did for you, what he did for all of us, wiping our slate clean. we are all brothers and sisters in christ so we should love one another no matter what, you dont have to like what the person does or says, heck you dont even have to like them but love them for who they are not what they are. let me finish with this i know this is kinda getting long but "does not forgiving someone really make you any better than they are", to be witnesses of christ and to show this world what gods love is all about we need to be the better person, love one another and turn the other cheek when we get hurt.

 

Love, the biblical definition, does not mean a pleasant and euphoric feeling.  Love, in the bible, is an action.  So, yes, you can love your Grandpa still in that sense.  You can show him kindness, etc.  But if he is hurting you in return, he is not loving you.  And you are to love yourself as well and to allow yourself to be treated destructively is not even loving yourself. 

 

1 Corinthians 13: Love

&

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Forgiveness simply means to not hang on to bitterness.  It does NOT mean they did not hurt you.  It does NOT mean you have to forget what they did.  It does NOT mean you you have to speak with them again.  It just means you've let it go (in your own life).  It does NOT mean there are no boundaries between you and them.

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@ countryboy4ever Yes I understand and youre right...but its not easy and it doesnt feel good to be around those people.  Its not my fault they chose that life and now it just seems they want to get what they can from me.  So on one hand I wanna be like Jesus and love and forgive but on the other hand I just know I dont have room for them in my heart.  It may seem cold but I feel the need to protect myself.

 

 

@ Stacie I love everything you said and Im so glad you said that because I know in my heart that I dont want these people in my life; they betrayed my father and took from him when he was at his lowest and none of them helped him back up.  I dont want to be cold but I just dont see the point in allowing them to do the same to me..

Im not angry at them I forgive them but I simply want nothing to do with them at the moment.  Ive had enough family pain and I dont need/have room for anymore.

Now if someone was in pain or in need of something I would help them but after that I would send them on their way and cut them off "you can say hello but dont let them into your house" lol

My intuition has strongly been telling me to cut ties Im not sure if its permanent but I know I just cant/refuse to have destructive people in my life.

 

 

Love, the biblical definition, does not mean a pleasant and euphoric feeling.  Love, in the bible, is an action.  So, yes, you can love your Grandpa still in that sense.  You can show him kindness, etc.  But if he is hurting you in return, he is not loving you.  And you are to love yourself as well and to allow yourself to be treated destructively is not even loving yourself. 

 

1 Corinthians 13: Love
&
Love your neighbor as yourself.

Forgiveness simply means to not hang on to bitterness.  It does NOT mean they did not hurt you.  It does NOT mean you have to forget what they did.  It does NOT mean you you have to speak with them again.  It just means you've let it go (in your own life).  It does NOT mean there are no boundaries between you and them.

 

 

I love that and thats exactly how I feel...

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Honestly, no, not at all.  As I have gotten older, I have seen less and less reason to forgive some people.  Those who can own up to making a mistake are worthy because they are truly remorseful, but those that aren’t big enough to and expect that you’ll get over it as you’ll take more of their crap, nah. 

 

I work in a bakery of all women.  Let me tell you, it’s usually a b***fest on a daily basis to some degree.  They all need to be in charge, undermine, question, have a better way all the time, and just be plain CATTY.  One in particular, named Ketria  (She’ll never come across this site, so it’s totally safe to use her name)is the worst. It is draining to be around her or listen to her; always something somebody did wrong or she could have done better or she feels underappreciated.  Her personal life is also... sheer drama.  It is always somebody else that needs to praise her and her that always needs to forgive somebody else.  As it’s obvious, she is faultless. 

 

About a year ago, I got hired at this grocery store and she was the one who trained me.  I picked up how she really was almost instantly...

 

“ So, do you have a boyfriend?â€

 

Me, “I don’t but there is a guy I do like... Do you?â€

 

*giggles* “Kinda sorta, it depends on the day.†    

 

I don’t see what personality she has about herself, let alone having anything in common with me.  I’m a nerd who likes killing zombies in CoD, anime, drinking coffee, bettering my life by going back to school and having a very special and meaningful relationship with my boyfriend.   She is everything I am not and everything I hate.  I still respect her and even let her utter rudeness s slide when she speaks condescendingly to me and will interrupt me when I can be speaking to somebody else. 

 

A few months into it, while I am still fairly new, she had told people how frustrating it was with the mistakes I was making.  Instead of just telling me to my face and helping me fix it, she’d just fix it herself, and then pat herself on the back.  I don’t know that I’m messing up and continue going on with the same mistakes.  Gradually the department got more distant and colder towards me, people from other departments that used to have small talk with me stopped, and it just got awkward to come to work.  I had been unemployed for about three months beforehand and am not one of the lucky people who can get by without a job, so I started to look at it as just a paycheck.  I just kept to myself and didn’t care about any of my co workers and being their friends because it was such a waste of my energy. 

 

I focused on my work and I had gotten so much better according to my boss, but me no longer bothering with my co workers put a huge burr up their butts.  After one of them brought in cake and passed it out in front of everybody but me, dealing with me when absolutely necessary in that sterile, cold tone, and acting as if I were not around made me very hurt because this was going out of their way to be mean.  I just kept to myself even more, would leave without saying good bye after getting confirmation to leave, and just shut down to them.  I was summonsed to have two “reconciliations†with two of them with the store manager without any less dramatic attempts made first. 

 

Everything is fine now and they are like that to a few of my other co workers as well.  I’ve just gotten over it and been grateful that they are polite to my face for the most part and realized that they are what they are because I can’t change them.  Ketria is still her perfect self and instead of feeling hostility and hate towards her, I’ve replaced it with pure pity.  I did not forgive her and instead I feel sorry for her because she is going to be a brown nosed, back stabbing, dramatic, self proclaimed victim that has already reached her potential in life already. 

 

To me, forgiving somebody is allowing things to go back to the way things used to be because you trust them to not hurt you again; taking the wall down.  She was inside once and she has proven to me who she is and I accept her for that. 

 

It is just easier to hold onto pity than contempt. 

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Ugh I hate drama like that I know exactly what youre talking about I had a similar situation which can be a negative affect on your personal life if you let it. After a while I've learned to stop caring especially about gossip and like you I started to feel bad for them SMH 

 

http://www.oesquema.com.br/trabalhosujo/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/dontgiveafuck.jpg

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