sofia_awesome

My boyfriend expects tooo much from me and for the wrong reasons

23 posts in this topic

Hello my name is Sofia and I'm 19 years old, an Algerian, Muslim girl from France (Paris) I've had a depression when I was 15. When I was 17 I met this guy Adam and he really made me feel well, he gave me compliments about how I looked etc. So one day we were in his room and had an oral form of being intimate. He enjoyed it, but I didnt. When I got home I started crying the whole night. I started praying and ask God for foregiveniss I've never felt so bad before!!! So I never spoke to him again, I ignored his texts. Than, 6 months later a guy texted me, his name is Rayan, a friend of Adam he told me he got my number from his friend Adam who claimed that we've just gone out 1 time to drink something, so yeah I was a little scepticall but we started texting and dating, he's really awesome but I wanted to do thing different with this guy because he was really special and nothing like adam. So I decided I didnt want to kiss untill we were together. So after 4 months he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I said Yes. We're still together now and he really loves me, we have this chemistry and I just can't describe the way he makes me feel. But recently Adam texted me saying 'hey sofia wanna come to my place for some fun' I got angry because he's just so sex obsessed, he offended me and started calling me names and said I was nothing, just a slutty girl etcc So he tried to make me angry and said that he just passed me to his friend because I was so "easy" Adam doesnt know about our relationship and untill now I always thought Rayan didnt knew about the fysicall contact between me and Adam. But since a few weeks ( we're 8,5 months togerher now) Rayan asked me if we could take it to the next level ( so other stuff than sex is what he means, 'cause although he's nt a virgin any more he knows I want to save myself untill mariage) I told him "no" for likeee a thousend times but he keeps asking, now I'm afraid he asked me to take the next step because he may have found out about the intimate stuff between me and Adam (which I regret so much). I'm so ashamed and I want to know if he knows, but the problem is, if I'm going to ask him if he knows about the relationship, and he didnt I JUST THREW OUR WHOLE relationship away! I dont want to lose him, I really dont but this is driving me crazy! What should I do?????? Please help me:(

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I wouldn't tell Rayan exactly what you did with Adam, but do try telling Rayan that you don't want to 'take it to the next level', because you want to save yourself. If I were you, I'd tell him that if he can't respect the fact that you won't do it, the relationship can't go on any longer, since you are both on different pages when it comes to sex. I know you might have this awesomechemistry between you guys, but if he pressures you, you might need to sit down and have a serious talk. You don't have to tell him the details about your past, but I would tell him that you have taken 'things to the next level' before and you really regretted it, and that because he is so special to you, you don't want to do the same with him.I think communication is the key here.

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Rayan is the prick's "friend" after all, so there's a chance he really may not be any better. Just be careful. Honestly, I'd leave both of them alone if I were you. You're so torn up by what you did with Adam (and rightfully so), you should work on yourself before being with someone else. Its sad to see a girl with a big heart get crushed by pigs. 

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I think you should tell him I mean honesty is key may not be like oh I had oral sex with your friend but tell him you took things to far before and you never want to do that again and if he doesn't respect and want that for you then it's probably not worth it.

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@ Dasboy1 yeah you're right I think it's time to sit down and explain him why I dont want to rush in to these things. I've never been more ashamed than now. I mean honestyly I never forgave myself and the truth may hurt but if I've excepted the fact that he isnt a virgin anymore why shouldnt he except the fact that I have a past too. Guys you gave me some good advice! Im going to let y'all know how "the talk" went! Thank you so much!

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I think you should tell him I mean honesty is key may not be like oh I had oral sex with your friend but tell him you took things to far before and you never want to do that again and if he doesn't respect and want that for you then it's probably not worth it.

 

First off, welcome to the site! Second, I completely agree with dasboy1. All you have to do is mention that you've gone farther than you would have liked to in the past and that you aren't interested in doing it again. Details aren't necessary. It's important in a relationship for both partners to be on the same page with your boundaries, so I'd think twice if he doesn't respect your decision to WTM. Good luck with your talk!

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Rayan is the prick's "friend" after all, so there's a chance he really may not be any better. Just be careful. Honestly, I'd leave both of them alone if I were you. You're so torn up by what you did with Adam (and rightfully so), you should work on yourself before being with someone else. Its sad to see a girl with a big heart get crushed by pigs.

I wouldn't call the guy a prick, considering you don't even know him personally.

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I wouldn't call the guy a prick, considering you don't even know him personally.

 

Well, he did kind of call Sofia a slut and told her she was easy and that he "passed her on to his friend."

 

Decent human beings do no such thing. You don't have to know someone personally to get a sense of what they are. 

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Well, he did kind of call Sofia a slut and told her she was easy and that he "passed her on to his friend."

Decent human beings do no such thing. You don't have to know someone personally to get a sense of what they are.

That may be a crappy thing to do, but it doesn't in the least bit give you even close to enough information to pass judgement on someone you don't know.

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@ TheJayspyder yeah you're more than right! And he's known for doing such things to several girls ( I recently found out) but Mstr Josh I totally understand your point, there's no need to judge someone if you dont know them, but in this case I'll make an exception for this pig

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@ TheJayspyder yeah you're more than right! And he's known for doing such things to several girls ( I recently found out) but Mstr Josh I totally understand your point, there's no need to judge someone if you dont know them, but in this case I'll make an exception for this pig

 

Did I call it or did I call it? See, you can't go through life without making judgment calls, at least if you don't want to be peoples' doormat. No, don't openly harass or bully someone, but never feel bad for judging them. You need to surgically cut this loser out of your life.

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Did I call it or did I call it? See, you can't go through life without making judgment calls, at least if you don't want to be peoples' doormat. No, don't openly harass or bully someone, but never feel bad for judging them. You need to surgically cut this loser out of your life.

I hadn't said he wasn't like that at all, I had said don't make judgements not knowing both sides of a story or even knowing him personally. After calling him a prick you could have found out he does hundreds of hours of community service and then were completely wrong in the first place.

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Hope the talk goes well! Just tell him something like, "I really would like to continue being with you, but I'm interested in saving all sex for marriage. If that's not something you are interested in as well, I understand, it would really suck, but I get it."

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I wouldnt even go for a relationship in this situation, its just too complicated, You know how hard it would be on the guy if you said, hey i had oral with someone you know but now i learned my lesson so im not going to do anything with YOU until were married,thanks for understanding. And if you dont tell him, your really just building a relationship on secrets and if he finds out later....THAT will kill the relationship.....Pure honesty might make it a harder relationship , but no honesty is going to destroy it

 

On the retroactive jealousy forums the most common problem for people in marriages are that one of the members confesses(usually the wife) all the sexual things they have done AFTER they get married, This Causes the Man to become super irrational (and sometimes even abusive) and it devastates there marriages...

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I'm glad to here my advice is coming in handy to an extent hope everything goes well but don't let some guy pressure you at all.

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Well I'm back! So we've had the "talk" and this is how it went: he started to talk about the fact why I didnt want to go any further than kissing so I answered his question and told him that. A long time a go I rushed into "taking the next step" and I've never felt so bad about anything. And that I think he's special and I dont want to have any regrets this time and just wait untill we get married. He was really understanding and he hadnt had any problems with the fact that I've taken the next step with someone else since he isnt a saint as well. I asked him several times if he needs to know with who it was and he told me no. He said let the past be the past. I used a lot of you guys' tips and I told him that for me any form of being intimate can lead to sex and I dont believe it's a good thing if we would go further than kissing. He was a little bit dissapointed, but I said (loud and clearly) that if he wanted sexual intercourse or whatsover he can go and search it elsewhere. Rayan was in shock and than he told me that he's "saving" himself for the "second" time. So no sex untill our mariage. Guys I'm so glad this turned out well, I really appriciate your advices!!!! Much love xx

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Sounds like it was awkward but went well glad to here it.

 

I'd've been worried about them if it wasn't akward. Remember what they're discussing.

 

Glad it worked out for you, friend.  

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Yeah thankyou guys! Yes indeed it was a bit awkward but not as awkward as it was for me before 'cause I was living with a secret. And indeed it should be awkward because. Other wise there should be something really wrong:)

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I really hope everything goes well Sofia! Im here if you need me, even though I don't have much experience myself! You should start to forgive yourself for what you have done, whats in the past is in the past. Now you have the chance to do things differently with all relationships that are to come.

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