katdeisher

Stress Free Marriage

59 posts in this topic

As most of you know, I am getting married soon. I have been talking to alot of women about marriage and how to make it work and keep it as stress free as possible, but what all of them have said is that there is no stress free marriage. You will always fight about something and there will almost always be something to strain you.

What I want to know is what all of you think about this? Is it unrealistic for me to want a stress free marriage? It has just been stressing me out, and i'm hoping for some reassurance

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Well there's no such thing as a stress free marriage, but the thing is wether or not it's good stress. If your always stressed out about some things then talk to them about it, communication is key as said many times before.

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The best example I know of a stress-free marriage is my parents. Of course there are rough patches (I'm assuming my parents had them; haven't really seen any), and stress, but there are many ways to minimize them. One thing I've observed and only just thought about, that I think is one of the keys to their success, is that they rarely seem to take anything personally. They know they love each other and nothing is meant intentionally to harm the other. If one of them has a problem with the other they either discuss it and fix it if it's big, or let it go if it's small. They also tend to stick to the roles and responsibilities they've chosen in the marriage and family life. This reduces friction, I think.

 

I know some people will take offense and disagree strongly with this, but as far as I know, all big decisions are ultimately made by my dad. If they disagree about the decision, they discuss it thoroughly, and if they still disagree they will go with my dad's decision. My mom (usually) happily submits to my dad's will. I think this is more so to minimize fights and friction by having a set, blanket system than it is my dad acting superior (though they are also following the Bible in this aspect, with the husband leading and the wife submitting). I wouldn't require (maybe not even want) a similar system in my marriage, but if my wife trusts me and my leadership as much as my mom trusts my dad, I'll feel all the more blessed. I'm saying it's good to have a set system of handling things, and this is just how my parents do it.

 

So, in summary, trust each other, love each other, communicate, and never intentionally hurt each other or start things you know will bring more harm than good, and you should eliminate a good deal of potential stress. Obviously I'm no expert, I'm just sharing a little of what seems to work for my parents. As far as the statement, "You will always fight about something and there will almost always be something to strain you," goes, I think that's bull. Hopefully one of the married folks on here will give you more/better insight and advice :)

 

Edit: I'm pretty much just addressing internal stress. Obviously life is going to throw a lot of stress your way, but hopefully you will deal with that together and not let it cause stress between you.

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I think we could Katelyn if you gave me lots and lots and lots of foot rubs.

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I know some people will take offense and disagree strongly with this, but as far as I know, all big decisions are ultimately made by my dad. If they disagree about the decision, they discuss it thoroughly, and if they still disagree they will go with my dad's decision. My mom (usually) happily submits to my dad's will. I think this is more so to minimize fights and friction by having a blanket system than it is my dad acting superior (though they are also following the Bible in this aspect, with the husband leading and the wife submitting). I don't think I would require a similar system in my marriage, but if my wife trusts me and my leadership as much as my mom trusts my dad, I'll feel all the more blessed. 

 

I'm just waiting for Sophie to come in and tear this apart. lol But hey, it works great for your parents. It's not like she was forced to submit, she chose to do it. The word "submit" gets a bad rep these days. In the original biblical context, submission was a voluntary act of trust, not  something that was done by force like the modern understanding. Plus, the Bible says husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the Church. How did Jesus love the Church? By serving and laying down his life for the Church. So yeah, if a man was not willing to serve and lay down his life for his wife, then she has no business trusting or submitting to him.

 

Anyways, there will be stress in your marriage, but it's up to you and your future husband to decide how much stress there is and how to manage it. It doesn't necessarily have to come from each other, but it can come from finances, kids or work. Those kinds of stress could affect the family and the marriage if you let it. My advice is to find what works best for you both and stick to it.

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I just don't see why the wife HAS to submit to the husband, that just doesn't sound right or fair what so ever. I certinly wouldn't want anyone to be submitting to me, I would hate that feeling having that power over someone making them agree to what I want done.

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I just don't see why the wife HAS to submit to the husband, that just doesn't sound right or fair what so ever. I certinly wouldn't want anyone to be submitting to me, I would hate that feeling having that power over someone making them agree to what I want done.

 

I was just giving an example of what works for my parents. It's how my mom wanted to do it. She wasn't forced by any sense of the word. Making her agree was never implied and never happens. And like I said, I wouldn't require or even necessarily want my marriage to be like that, I would just like that capacity of trust to be there

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I'm just waiting for Sophie to come in and tear this apart. lol But hey, it works great for your parents. It's not like she was forced to submit, she chose to do it. The word "submit" gets a bad rep these days. In the original biblical context, submission was a voluntary act of trust, not  something that was done by force like the modern understanding. Plus, the Bible says husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the Church. How did Jesus love the Church? By serving and laying down his life for the Church. So yeah, if a man was not willing to serve and lay down his life for his wife, then she has no business trusting or submitting to him.

 

Yeah, I was using "submit" in the traditional sense. My mom's will is extremely important, but if their wills conflict on a big decision that has to be made, they go with my dad's decision in most cases. Some things she just leaves to him completely.

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Every relationship (between parents and children, siblings, spouses, friends, etc) has its rough moments. There are always going to be differences of opinion and such because we all think and reason differently. I think that the key to being successful and not overly stressing ourselves in any relationship lies in the way we handle these situations. 

 

IMO, when both spouses are unconditionally committed to each other and to their marriage (in the sense of putting each other's needs first, working through situations as a team, communicating, etc.) any challenge or problem they may encounter will only strengthen their bond and their love for each other. So, yeah, rough times will probably come but, if they're handled wisely by both partners, they don't have to produce stress or strain :)

 

Btw, I really like the way that Matt's parents handle their decision-making. I don't think submitting is bad at all, especially when you love, know and trust the person you're with completely.

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I'm just waiting for Sophie to come in and tear this apart. lol

 

LOL. I was JUST about to respond to the comment and then read your comment and thought, "uh oh...is this my reputation here?" lol. So instead I will briefly state my opinion, with no caps locks or rants.

 

Regarding what matthew said, being a submissive wife will only work if you are 100% okay with being submissive. If you are the type of person (like me,) that must say their opinion, have their opinion heard, and have their opinion respected, you and your partner will have to work hard together so both of your thoughts, feelings, and opinions will be listened to so neither one of you will feel disregarded or ignored. Compromising is a skill that takes time to work on, and it will be stressful at first, but you will be so much more happier if both your needs are met than if one person is unsatisfied.

 

I can already tell that I am going to be the dominant one in the relationship, because I am the most stubborn person alive (okay, maybe not that bad.) I know that in order to make my husband more comfortable and included in our marriage, I will have to tone things down a little. I have always been a decision maker, a leader, and an overly strong-willed person. You know your personality more than anyone else here, so think to yourself:

 

1. What can I do to help my husband feel less stressed? What things do I do that cause him negative emotions and what am I willing to adjust to make him feel better?

 

2. What does my husband do that makes me angry/sad/upset? How should I approach him on the subject?

 

3. What can we do to better work together as a team?

 

I think everyone has an idea of what they would do to make their marriage as stress-free as possible, but it is different for every person and every couple.

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Regarding what matthew said, being a submissive wife will only work if you are 100% okay with being submissive. If you are the type of person (like me,) that must say their opinion, have their opinion heard, and have their opinion respected, you and your partner will have to work hard together so both of your thoughts, feelings, and opinions will be listened to so neither one of you will feel disregarded or ignored. Compromising is a skill that takes time to work on, and it will be stressful at first, but you will be so much more happier if both your needs are met than if one person is unsatisfied.

 

Believe me, my mom's opinion is heard, respected, considered, and often employed when she wants it to be, and she isn't ignored or disregarded (except by her lousy kids). I feel like I've done a bad job of portraying the relationship my parents have, despite my qualifiers. They're very much a team. But my mom is, indeed, submissive in the end, and I hope no one misunderstands that word. Again, I wasn't implying the way they do it is the right or only way, by any means.

 

 

You know your personality more than anyone else here, so think to yourself:

 

1. What can I do to help my husband feel less stressed? What things do I do that cause him negative emotions and what am I willing to adjust to make him feel better?

 

2. What does my husband do that makes me angry/sad/upset? How should I approach him on the subject?

 

3. What can we do to better work together as a team?

 

I think everyone has an idea of what they would do to make their marriage as stress-free as possible, but it is different for every person and every couple.

 

This. I like that.

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The best example I know of a stress-free marriage is my parents. Of course there are rough patches (I'm assuming my parents had them; haven't really seen any), and stress, but there are many ways to minimize them. One thing I've observed and only just thought about, that I think is one of the keys to their success, is that they rarely seem to take anything personally. They know they love each other and nothing is meant intentionally to harm the other.

Hey now there is the key to happiness. Good for them. Col.

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Believe me, my mom's opinion is heard, respected, considered, and often employed when she wants it to be, and she isn't ignored or disregarded (except by her lousy kids). I feel like I've done a bad job of portraying the relationship my parents have, despite my qualifiers. They're very much a team. But my mom is, indeed, submissive in the end, and I hope no one misunderstands that word. Again, I wasn't implying the way they do it is the right or only way, by any means.

 

I get what you're saying. There are women who would not be okay with even that, though. (As I'm sure you realize). It almost makes you wonder. Can two dominant people be in a happy marriage together? Or does at least one, either the man or the woman, have to be at least somewhat submissive?

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I just came across an article that reminded me of this topic/thread, here's an excerpt:

 

What does submission look like?

 

I’ve been married for 29 years—“just getting going†says my mom, who’s been married for 62.

 

“What it looks like†is a difficult question, since submission is not something foreign—not something “otherâ€â€”to the character of a redeemed woman. Submission is not as much an “action†as it is an “attitude.†So it can’t be dictated by behavioral prescriptives. Submission boils down to a having spirit of amenability. It means being soft, receptive, responsive, and agreeable. Because of the misconceptions surrounding the definition of submission, I actually prefer to use the term “amenability.†Amenability comes from the French amener (to lead). An amenable woman is “leadable†as opposed to “ungovernable†She’s responsive to input and likely to cooperate. Amenability is part of the three-fold womanly disposition of 1 Peter 3:4-5, which includes gentleness, calmness, and amenability—which works itself out in a married woman’s life in submission to her husband.

 

So “what it looks like†on an on-going basis, is that I am soft, receptive, and agreeable toward my husband. I love responding to his lead. I respect who God created him to be as a man—and support his efforts to provide godly oversight for our family. I respect the position of responsibility that goes along with being a husband and father. “Respect†is probably the best word to describe what submission looks like in my marriage.

 

For me, submission is one of those things that is far more easily identified by its absence rather than its presence. I know that I am struggling with it when I am critical, impatient, defiant, and “snarky†toward my husband—when I refuse to cooperate and am unresponsive to input, when I rush in and take control, when I fail to “provide space†to allow my husband the opportunity to be a man and provide godly oversight for our family. In other words, it’s not readily apparent to me when I’m submitting, but it’s painfully obvious to me when I am not. I sense that I am disrespecting/ disregarding my husband, taking control, and pulling against him rather than for and with him.

http://www.girlsgonewise.com/7-misconceptions-about-submission/

 

So basically she seems to be describing what even happy non-Christian couples do, the "man is the man" and the "woman is the woman."

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I just came across an article that reminded me of this topic/thread, here's an excerpt:

 

http://www.girlsgonewise.com/7-misconceptions-about-submission/

 

So basically she seems to be describing what even happy non-Christian couples do, the "man is the man" and the "woman is the woman."

I feel like there are definitely women who would not be comfortable with that, though.

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I just came across an article that reminded me of this topic/thread, here's an excerpt:

So basically she seems to be describing what even happy non-Christian couples do, the "man is the man" and the "woman is the woman."

I definently wouldn't be happy or comfortable with my SO being the submissive little house wife in her woman stays the woman role...

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I don't know why people hear the word "submit" and they immediately think that it means the woman would be like a servant, with no opinions of her own and with no one caring about her needs, thoughts or desires (no doubt this stems from the feminist movement). I know this has happened in some families, but it's probably because they misunderstand what it really means. The main aspect of submitting is recognizing that the man and woman have different roles. They're both equal in value and importance, their opinions and needs are both important, etc. but they also differ in many ways. 

 

I'm not interested in being the leader around the house and bossing my husband around. That doesn't work well at all. It doesn't mean I'm weak or have no character or whatever. It means that I recognize that we have different roles and I'm comfortable and happy with that. I 100% agree with Kailey in that the man should be the man and the woman the woman. 
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I just don't get the woman be the woman thing, you want to break stereotypes, right? Then don't be the typical house wife that does what her husband says without question, never questioning his judgement and just accepting what he says goes. If I ever meet someone I hope to god they aren't like that, I really don't want someone always just accepting what I say and do.

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I honestly don't think it would really be that bad.... it shows a lot of trust and respect to your husband. I don't really think of submitting as a negative thing. All that means is that you trust your husband has your best interest in mind. It doesn't mean he is walking around bossing you around.

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I feel like there are definitely women who would not be comfortable with that, though.

True.

 

I definently wouldn't be happy or comfortable with my SO being the submissive little house wife in her woman stays the woman role...

 

I just don't get the woman be the woman thing, you want to break stereotypes, right? Then don't be the typical house wife that does what her husband says without question, never questioning his judgement and just accepting what he says goes. If I ever meet someone I hope to god they aren't like that, I really don't want someone always just accepting what I say and do.

Well these are the adjectives she uses to describe it: amenable, gentle, calm, receptive, and soft. "She's responsive  to input and likely to cooperate." It's not about always doing what your husband says without questioning his judgement, not at all. And really, I would only ever marry an amazingly special man who is worthy of my trust and respect. And no, I don't want to break any stereotypes, I'm a woman and I like being a woman and I want a man who will cherish me for all my womanly traits in part because it makes him feel like a man when he is with me. The article that the quote is from actually explains a lot more about how/what it looks like, the link is under the quote up there if you want to look at it. :)

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And no, I don't want to break any stereotypes, I'm a woman and I like being a woman and I want a man who will cherish me for all my womanly traits in part because it makes him feel like a man when he is with me.

So, are you saying that more assertive women who would not want to submit must not like being women? I disagree with that. I think they like being women just fine, but disagree that submitting is an innately womanly trait.

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I can be plenty assertive when I want to be, trust me ;), I bet the woman who wrote that can be too. Until I read that article I didn't really understand the concept of submission well, but it clicked with all that I've been reading the past few months. It's just letting myself be all that I am with the man who deserves it and vice versa. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's kind of like this: I spend plenty of time being strong, assertive, and capable in many other areas of my life, but in a relationship I want a guy who will be strong for me while I am his "soft place to fall." Make sense? :)

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I'm not questioning what you want. I'm just wondering if you would say that women who do not want to submit in a relationship in some way are not being women. That's a sentiment I would disagree with.

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I'm not questioning what you want. I'm just wondering if you would say that women who do not want to submit in a relationship in some way are not being women. That's a sentiment I would disagree with.

No, I don't think that. I think many women who are successful in relationships probably do it without even realizing it though.

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