katdeisher

(Hopefully) Short Testimony

22 posts in this topic

I am not a virgin, but I want to start over, so that I can be brand new for my husband. I would like to share a little bit of my testimony so that you can see how I got where I am. I'm not the best at writing, so this might be a little confusing and badly written, so I apologise in advance.

 

I was raised in a christian home, where I was that that sex was for after marriage. I grew up imagining that I would have my first kiss at the alter. But as I grew up I lost my perspective.

 

When I was 7 my mom cheated on my dad, and she left. She moved with the guy to another state and left my dad, my two sisters, and myself behind. My dad became really withdrawn, and cried all the time, so we didn't really talk or spend time together much. I ended up moving in with my mom and her boyfriend for about a year, until she sent me to live with my dad again. I never really thought about her leaving then, and it didn't really start bothering me until she decided to come back to my dad, and he welcomed her back.

 

Moving on to when I was about 11, I strived for acceptance from everyone. I wanted everyone to like me, and I wanted to be wanted. I tried to impress everyone that I met, especially guys. When one guy, who was notorious for sleeping around, started paying attention to me, I did everything I could to keep his attraction. That turned into kissing, which turned into touching, which turned into sex. After that, surprise, surprise, he moved on. However when he ran out of girl to pay attention to him he always came back to me, and I let him.

 

With my severe lack of judgement and my need to be accepted, I started a spiraling downfall. I started drinking and smoking just to impress my friends, and I slept with anyone who wanted me. And got taken advantage of by a lot of guys. I had close to no self esteem. When I was twelve I had a "one-night-stand" with a guy I had just met, and soon found out I was pregnant. I was scared, confused, and didn't know what to do or say to anyone. I told my uncle I thought I was pregnant, so he bought me a pregnancy test, and when it came out positive he told me that I had to tell my parents, or he would. So, he did.

 

Being pregnant was the more positive part of my childhood. For my family abortion wasn't an option, and there was no way that I would give the baby up for adoption. I began growing life inside of me, and it made me feel needed. I stopped everything I was doing, and started staying home. It quickly spread around school that I was pregnant, which embarrassed me alot. I denied it until I was too big to deny it. I became known as "easy" and I got made fun of alot. I was lucky to have a few friends who were very supportive of me.

 

After I had my baby, a precious little girl named Navia, I didn't really know what to do. I was thirteen and had no clue how to raise a child, so I left it to my parents. I wasn't a very good mother, and that was when my drinking and promiscuity got the worst. I got really bad, and started arguing with my parents alot, which meant I stayed away from my home as much as possible. When my mother and I had a really bad fight one day when i was fourteen, she decided something needed to be done, and she sent me to a childrens home in Oklahoma.

 

While I was there I met a lot of kids that had some of the same problems I did, got "parents" that were willing to work with me, and wanted to help me and see me succeed, and I got help with the emotional issues I had grown over the years. I felt secure for the first time in my life, and started gaining some self respect. I thought that I would be good from then on.

 

I decided that I wanted to wait until i was married to have sex ever again, and even started writing a journal meant for my future husband. I really felt that I could do it. But, when I got home I didn't do well. For the first couple of months I did great. I was a better mother, I didn't smoke or drink or have sex. But then I started dating a guy for the first time since I got home, and I gave in. I started the cycle all over again. It seemed like no matter what I did I couldn't get away from it. But when I was sixteen i went to a C.I.Y. conference in Tennessee, and I met a guy who was different than any other guy I had ever met.

 

We started talking and I immediately decided that I had to make him want me. I told him about my struggles, and the things that had been done to me, and he shared his struggles with me as well. I started really liking this guy, but he never expressed his sexual wants to me, and for some reason that really bothered me. I wanted him to want to have sex with me. But he wanted to wait until he was married to have sex. I pushed him, and eventually he let his guards down and we messed up. we ended up doing just about everything but having sex, and for the first time in my life i felt guilty.

 

I really cared about this guy, and he really cared about me, but I had hurt him by pushing him to that. I realized that I loved this guy, and I never wanted to hurt him like that again. That was the point that I made my decision to wait until marriage. I was very insecure at first, and still kind of am, but our relationship has grown because of our decision to wait. Because of that decision I have grown to realize that the reason I never got the acceptance I wanted was because I was using my body to solve what only my heart could heal.

 

Now we are getting married this August and I couldn't be happier. He is my best friend and the love of my life. I feel that the only reason our relationship is so good is because we decided not to have sex, and instead build our relationship on emotional connections. It is an every day struggle to stay pure, but we are making it one day of a time, and I am proud of that.

 

If you're still reading this, thank you for sticking with me the whole way through this. It ended up being a little longer than I intended, but i hope it sounds okay and makes sense and gets my point accross.

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I dont have much words but I'm happy for you that you finally got things sorted out and on the right track. Welcome to the site! :DD

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You have been through so much, you're so strong. It's nice that you made the decision to wait and now you're getting married, congratulations. I'm so happy for you.

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Wow is all i can say, that is an incredible testimony, really moving, and i have the upmost respect for you, for having the courage to not only write that, but to make it to where you are today. That shows such an amazing amount of character and humbleness.  Congratulations on your coming wedding, your picture is beautiful btw :) and i honestly wish you and your fiance (soon to be husband)  all the best in you future. Your daughter should be so proud of you. 

Welcome to the site :) *HUGS* 

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I just wanted to say thank you for all of the positive feedback. I was worried that people would judge me for this so i am very relieved to see it was so accepted.

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Wow, thanks for sharing. I have had a difficult life too so I feel ya. Hugs!! Welcome to the site :-)

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I just wanted to say thank you for all of the positive feedback. I was worried that people would judge me for this so i am very relieved to see it was so accepted.

 

As long as you decided to wait in the end the people of this site will support you.

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Wow, your story is so moving, I have no words but to say welcome to the site! :) Congratulations on getting married soon. I truly wish you all the best for the future! 

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Hey Kat, your story is amazing and inspiring. It's never too late to have a fresh start. I really admire your courage to share your story and we're here to support you in any way we can. Congrats on your engagement and I hope you both have a happy marriage :)

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You've definitely been through a lot! Glad you are in a happier place now and that you joined us here :)!

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Your honesty and the fact that you actually have taken responsibility for your past actions are admirable. I've known more than enough people who have walked a path similar to yours and who still refuse to own up to their mistakes and make the effort to learn from them and better themselves. So, hats off to you for that. Hopefully you can share with us some of your wisdom and in turn we'll do whatever we can to provide you with support on this path. And one more welcome...hope you enjoy your time here.

See ya on the flipside,

Altan

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Welcome to the site! You're not the first nor are you the only (kinda redundant statement, lol) person on here who has had experience in the past and wants to start anew! I hope you enjoy your time here and make many new friends!

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I am not a virgin, but I want to start over, so that I can be brand new for my husband. I would like to share a little bit of my testimony so that you can see how I got where I am. I'm not the best at writing, so this might be a little confusing and badly written, so I apologise in advance.

 

I was raised in a christian home, where I was that that sex was for after marriage. I grew up imagining that I would have my first kiss at the alter. But as I grew up I lost my perspective.

 

When I was 7 my mom cheated on my dad, and she left. She moved with the guy to another state and left my dad, my two sisters, and myself behind. My dad became really withdrawn, and cried all the time, so we didn't really talk or spend time together much. I ended up moving in with my mom and her boyfriend for about a year, until she sent me to live with my dad again. I never really thought about her leaving then, and it didn't really start bothering me until she decided to come back to my dad, and he welcomed her back.

 

Moving on to when I was about 11, I strived for acceptance from everyone. I wanted everyone to like me, and I wanted to be wanted. I tried to impress everyone that I met, especially guys. When one guy, who was notorious for sleeping around, started paying attention to me, I did everything I could to keep his attraction. That turned into kissing, which turned into touching, which turned into sex. After that, surprise, surprise, he moved on. However when he ran out of girl to pay attention to him he always came back to me, and I let him.

 

With my severe lack of judgement and my need to be accepted, I started a spiraling downfall. I started drinking and smoking just to impress my friends, and I slept with anyone who wanted me. And got taken advantage of by a lot of guys. I had close to no self esteem. When I was twelve I had a "one-night-stand" with a guy I had just met, and soon found out I was pregnant. I was scared, confused, and didn't know what to do or say to anyone. I told my uncle I thought I was pregnant, so he bought me a pregnancy test, and when it came out positive he told me that I had to tell my parents, or he would. So, he did.

 

Being pregnant was the more positive part of my childhood. For my family abortion wasn't an option, and there was no way that I would give the baby up for adoption. I began growing life inside of me, and it made me feel needed. I stopped everything I was doing, and started staying home. It quickly spread around school that I was pregnant, which embarrassed me alot. I denied it until I was too big to deny it. I became known as "easy" and I got made fun of alot. I was lucky to have a few friends who were very supportive of me.

 

After I had my baby, a precious little girl named Navia, I didn't really know what to do. I was thirteen and had no clue how to raise a child, so I left it to my parents. I wasn't a very good mother, and that was when my drinking and promiscuity got the worst. I got really bad, and started arguing with my parents alot, which meant I stayed away from my home as much as possible. When my mother and I had a really bad fight one day when i was fourteen, she decided something needed to be done, and she sent me to a childrens home in Oklahoma.

 

While I was there I met a lot of kids that had some of the same problems I did, got "parents" that were willing to work with me, and wanted to help me and see me succeed, and I got help with the emotional issues I had grown over the years. I felt secure for the first time in my life, and started gaining some self respect. I thought that I would be good from then on.

 

I decided that I wanted to wait until i was married to have sex ever again, and even started writing a journal meant for my future husband. I really felt that I could do it. But, when I got home I didn't do well. For the first couple of months I did great. I was a better mother, I didn't smoke or drink or have sex. But then I started dating a guy for the first time since I got home, and I gave in. I started the cycle all over again. It seemed like no matter what I did I couldn't get away from it. But when I was sixteen i went to a C.I.Y. conference in Tennessee, and I met a guy who was different than any other guy I had ever met.

 

We started talking and I immediately decided that I had to make him want me. I told him about my struggles, and the things that had been done to me, and he shared his struggles with me as well. I started really liking this guy, but he never expressed his sexual wants to me, and for some reason that really bothered me. I wanted him to want to have sex with me. But he wanted to wait until he was married to have sex. I pushed him, and eventually he let his guards down and we messed up. we ended up doing just about everything but having sex, and for the first time in my life i felt guilty.

 

I really cared about this guy, and he really cared about me, but I had hurt him by pushing him to that. I realized that I loved this guy, and I never wanted to hurt him like that again. That was the point that I made my decision to wait until marriage. I was very insecure at first, and still kind of am, but our relationship has grown because of our decision to wait. Because of that decision I have grown to realize that the reason I never got the acceptance I wanted was because I was using my body to solve what only my heart could heal.

 

Now we are getting married this August and I couldn't be happier. He is my best friend and the love of my life. I feel that the only reason our relationship is so good is because we decided not to have sex, and instead build our relationship on emotional connections. It is an every day struggle to stay pure, but we are making it one day of a time, and I am proud of that.

 

If you're still reading this, thank you for sticking with me the whole way through this. It ended up being a little longer than I intended, but i hope it sounds okay and makes sense and gets my point accross.

katdeisher,

 

Sounds like you've been through a lot! I'm sorry to hear about your parents splitting :/ You've definitely come to the right place though-everyone here is friendly, supportive, and on the same page-to WTM :) Hope you find what you need =)

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I was worried that people would judge me for this so i am very relieved to see it was so accepted.

 

I could make up some condemnations if you'd like. I don't want you to be disappointed :D Naw, like others have said, this is place where waiters from all walks can get support and encouragement :)

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Wow what an inspiring testimony! So glad to have you with us!

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Your testimony was very moving and inspiring! I admire your courage throughout your life and that you had courage to share your story with us. Congratulations on your engagement and I wish you and your fiance many years of happiness! Welcome to the site and happy to have you here :)

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woow..just wow..this is inspiring , very nice testimony, you sure went trough a lot, WELCOME :D , and feel yourself at home o.o

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by all means - welcome.  every day you get the chance to make better choices than the day before - and to find what it takes to be right by yourself and everyone around you that matters so very much to you.  You are truly proof of that amid an array of challenges and obstacles and hurt and struggle.   I can tell that you have found your place - and sharing it with others makes it even better.  :-)    congratulations on so many fronts.

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Wow.. what a life experience you had Kat. But welcome to the site :) and here we don't judge others, we're here to support each other and listen to others hearts [like yours] and when someone is down in the dumps, we as WTM family are always there :) And congrats with your engagement. Wish you all the happiness in the whole wide world with lots of love and blessings.

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Thank you for sharing! You've been through so much heartache and down times but as everyone else said, I'm happy you're able to say you're getting married and in love. Welcome, congrats and wish you happiness. :) 

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