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Tempest Desh

24 and still waiting

11 posts in this topic

Hello All,

I have to say that it's great to have found a place like this, as one who's saving himself for marriage. The most I've ever done is kissing (and only one girl at that). While some who didn't wait encourage me to, most ridicule me (at 24 I guess I'm something of an anomaly). Some days I really do feel like giving up...as I see no point in waiting for a girl who hasn't and it's nigh impossible to find someone at my age who hasn't already experienced It...but somehow, I've found a way to carry on. Hopefully, being a member here will help me to keep a positive view of things and maybe someday I'll find the one I've been saving myself for and who's been saving herself for me. Here's to us all succeeding in our aims.

See ya on the flipside,

Tempest Desh

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Welcome, Tempest Desh!

If you think you feel like a freak at 24, try 28! Seriously though, waiting-till-marriage is usually less freakish in church communities, so you may want to give a church group shot if you want feel a little more accepted and applauded for your waiting status. Says the man who doesn't take his own advice.

That said, remember point #1 in that article I wrote about dating a non-virgin: Feeling entitled to another virgin will make it harder on you.

I know that this is your expectation...this was all of our expectations. We're waiting on that perfect match...the one that is beautiful, wonderful, and waited for us like we waited for them. So we can have that ultimate, shared wedding night and ultra-special relationship afterwards.

Believe me I know this expectation very well. It ruled me for most of my young life. When I would meet girls, that was the first question on my mind (Is she waiting?). And when I would date girls, if they weren't waiting, that would be my biggest hesitation on the relationship going all the way. That sense that I deserved another virgin as reward for my own sacrifice...that picture of the perfect wedding night and marriage that I fantasized about in my mind...that was almost all that mattered to me.

And then I met a girl who made me think "Oh screw it who cares if she's waiting or not --- she's amazing."

Meeting this one amazing girl kind of turned the volume down on my rabid need to find another virgin. I still look for girls who are waiting, of course. And that would still definitely be my preference. But nowadays I think that if I were to find a girl as amazing as this girl is...I don't think I'd care much if she had waited.

I know it's strange to think that there are qualities that could really out-weigh the virgin factor to the point that you seriously don't care about it with her, since it's been so important for so long. But I've come to believe that such a thing is possible, and I'm more open to that possibility now (and maybe you should be too).

I used to think that marrying somebody who didn't wait would totally invalidate my own efforts in waiting. Like: If I end up marrying somebody who didn't wait, what was the point of me waiting?

But since meeting that one girl, I think of it kind of differently now. Hypothetically, if I did marry a girl like that, I think I would feel like my waiting till marriage...my great big gift of super-specialness...would be one thing that I brought to the relationship, in exchange for different kinds of big gifts that she'd be giving me in return that are equally as big in their own way. I would be glad I waited and glad I ended up with her all at the same time.

I'm just saying, don't write non-waiters off completely, especially not in regards to dating. Get out there, man! It's the only way to calm the worry.

Anyhow, glad you're here and thanks for posting! Every little addition helps this board grow exponentially.

Here's to us all succeeding in our aims.

Amen to that!

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Thanks for the reply. I did meet one girl who (in retrospect) would cause me to question my hell-bent desire to marry a virgin...but, even then I'm still stuck on finding my dream girl...though atm I wouldn't totally write off dating a non-virgin...though I seriously doubt I'd even consider marrying her. I guess I'm a perfectionist by nature. Besides that, I'm Muslim...so I wish I could spend more time with the Muslims at my local masjid, who are mostly converts, American, and can definitely understand where I'm coming from. On-top of this, I'd seriously prefer to marry a practicing Muslimah...but, I'd have to find one who understood my Americaness, etc. One of my main reasons that I'm sooo stuck on marrying a virgin is due to my seeing enough relationships dissolve due to one of the partners not waiting. I really don't see it as fair...since the one who didn't wait is getting to 'have their cake and eat it too', so to speak. In many other areas I might be more lenient, event to the point of marrying someone who had given up their V-Card within a marriage...but someone who lost in some sort of an elicit relationship...sorry, but no, I can't do that. Now, if the girl had been raped/molested, I don't see how I could hold it against her...technically she'd still be a virgin, in my eyes...'cause I see it as something that has to be voluntarily given...it can't be taken, in my honest opinion. That's all for now.

See ya on the flipside,

Tempest Desh

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Hey Tempest Desh,

I definitely get where you're coming from, especially on the point about it not being fair/having their cake and eating it too.

Waiting till marriage is, if nothing else, a physically-backed commitment to the whole "one-person" mentality. Even if somebody else has the mentality in spirit, it's hard to equal your own mentality, since you've reinforced yours with years of will power and action where they have not.

I can see where that might cause an imbalance in a marriage, since one person starts off being seemingly more invested than the other one.

But I wonder how much of this "I only want to marry another virgin" entitlement complex (which believe me I have too) comes from fear, and how much of it comes from reality.

Like, if you take away all the fears of them not being as emotionally invested, not as willing to fight for the marriage, not being satisfied with your sexual noob-ness, not valuing sex as much, etc... would you still care?

I know you've said you've seen marriages fail because one person waited and the other didn't, but was the "waited vs. didn't wait" issue really what blew it up? Or did they have other incompatibilities as people?

I'm saying this as much to myself as you. I don't know my own answer to these questions. Buy I have my suspicions. And that makes me keep trying to argue the case. I mean, imagine how freeing it would be to relieved of that pressure to find another virgin!

For me, at 28, it's a necessity. If I was still as hung up on marrying a virgin as I used to be, I would be way more stressed out right now.

All that said, there's got to be sexual balance factors. I'm not advocating marrying some self-destructive, compulsively-promiscuous train wreck with a sordid past. But somebody who still cherishes sex, only has sex in relationships, shares all of my other values, whose sole mission in life is finding "the one", and otherwise fits me perfectly? Maybe.

I don't know. I'm just spitballing at this point. I don't get to talk about this kind of stuff with people very often, but hopefully as this website grows that will change! Incidentally, traffic keeps going up, so maybe in a few months we'll have more than just a couple people on the forums. Thanks for being one of the first members! :D

P.S. I get the religious concern too. You want somebody who shares your outlook spiritually to the point of sharing your actions. That's something that's at your core, and if the other person has a different core, than can cause problems. But I can almost guauntee you that you can find somebody who shares your spiritual outlook almost identically but doesn't have the V-Card. And if you tend to be a more liberal/Americanized Muslim, it would be doubly-easy to find such person.

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Funny thing is, the one girl who I would definitely fight for, even if she weren't a virgin, lives 3000 miles away and I haven't spoken to her in two years. Other than her, I can't seem to find anyone else I'd click with like I did with her. And hence I'm still hung up on this girl. I've tried to re-establish contact, but things are going VERY slowly and I can tell you it would be a big blow if I found out that she had a bf or was engaged. I mean, I've had girls since then who were into me, but I didn't see the point of being all forgiving with them, as they didn't seem to feel any regrets over having given it up to some random guy. With her, I think there would be those regrets...hence I'd be a LOT more forgiving. Somedays I can't stop thinking about her and certain songs by my favorite band get me balling my head off (and I'm a pretty stoic dude, as most people who know me see). I'm something of a moderate (traditionalist) Muslim and a convert at that. I have met at least one Muslimah who seems to adhere to the faith pretty well, but her virtuosness and the other girl's seeming contrast to her makes me feel like Myshkin in Dostoevsky's 'The Idiot'. Somehow I need to put these ghosts of my past to rest, if I'm ever to find the one I'm looking for. Don't know how to do that...but if I ever see this girl again, I'll have to speak from my heart and let God do the rest. Thanks for the patience...most people would tell me to go screw myself/get over myself...HA!

See ya on the flipside,

Tempest Desh

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Personally, I'm only going to marry a virgin. I know that what I need is someone who also waited. If they waited, I know that says so much about themselves. It shows perseverance, purity, self respect, and less likely to cheat. Also, it's been proven that the sex would be better. I understand how you feel and I say don't settle for less than you deserve.

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I'm in the same boat with Nikki. After waiting this long settling for anything but equality would make me consider myself a failure whether that is rational or not. You have to follow your heart on things like this.

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Waiting isn't really hard. I don't think but, then again I'm asexual so yeah. I mean if I marry a waiter we could probably do some touching and stuff but, actual sex is a no no for me. I just dont want it

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Stephie, I can't imagine that!

I find it incredibly fascinating. Perhaps you have a low testosterone level?

Do you know of scientific reasoning for severe cases of asexuality?

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I hear you Tempest. I am also 24 and waiting. Being in your mid-twenties, notwithstanding, I look at it as I haven't sex yet, but I am not losing sleep over it. By allowing myself to have the will power over the want to it, acts as my own personal mind over matter. Furthermore, it's one experience out of millions one has in their life. It will happen when it needs to happen, until then I take solace in knowing that as l don't let it control me, I have nothing to worry about. :D

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