Sneetche

Is it naive to want the fairy tale?

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Is it naive for a woman in this day and age to want the fairy tale? To want to be swept off her feet and taken care of? To be the one to take care of her family and home in return? To want a man who isn't the stereotypical, uncouth, modern day husband? To want children who aren’t completely out of control? To want a family that doesn't break apart at the first sign of weakness?

 

I’d like an honest male perspective on this. All I usually get is a funny look and an accusation/teasing of being weird. Because this on top of the “virginity thing†is apparently too outlandish for them to even think about.

 

The women around me tell me it's stupid, childish, and naive. "No man will ever give you that, chivalry is dead. Stop looking for female characteristics in them, men aren't capable of things like sensitivity and class. It's the 21st century, go find a career. Being a man's b**** is a GREAT way to spend your life. It's not feasible for a family to live off one income anymore. It's a dishonor to your gender not to take advantage of the independence, freedom, and equality we finally have. Stop being lazy and get your head out of the clouds. Being a housewife is an outdated concept. This is reality, grow up and accept it. Whirlwind romances only exist in Disney movies; it's a child's dream."

 

Is it really, though? I’m not looking for a fantasy life or perfection, just a higher standard than what the world shows me on a constant basis.

 

I have a decent enough job with the government but no real motivation to climb the corporate ladder. My family keeps pushing me to constantly keep reaching higher and higher when it's not what I want. I've never wanted it. It doesn't make me happy at all.

 

I don't mean to say that I have no aspirations in life and want to sit around mooching off my husband. I have hobbies and interests of my own. I love learning. I love writing. I do hope one day to be published and bring in added support for my family. But ultimately, I want my career to be my family. I want to take care of them. I want to be able to homeschool my children and give them a firm spiritual foundation to stand upon. When my husband comes home every night, I want to be the one that can make his stress flee with just a touch. I want to be my family’s keystone.

 

Is that really so much to ask for? Is it really so naive for any woman to want those things? Am I alone in wanting those things? Is it wrong? Does it put too much pressure on you to be the breadwinner? To live up to the expectations? Is it too much for even a woman to take on? Do you think any of this is even possible or realistic? Or should I just throw in my towel and readjust my worldview?

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I'm not sure if it's naive to think that but I know it's something I want too (minus the wanting to depend on your husband financially, I personally would want a more financially equal household) but I'm not sure how realistic is nowadays.

 

I know I'd rather be single for eternity than give up WTM or compromise on values/attributes I want in a partner like wanting someone kind, considerate, patient, benevolent, someone with some sort of career goal, someone that definitely wants children at some point and children they are determined to bring up to also be kind, considerate, patient, benevolent and strive for some sort of career goal.

 

In terms of wanting to be a housewife, it really depends where you live. I know living in London (England), that would be quite unrealistic. The cost of living in London is far too high (especially in the current ecnomic climates) for it to be likely to become a reality here unless the person was reeeally wealthy, like rolling in it lol. It would create immense pressure on the husband if there were here in London and that just wouldn't be fair. I'm sure (unless they were extremely wealthy) they'd be working all the hours God sends and probably wouldn't have any time to see their wife or children; they'd just come home to sleep and go back to work again, they'd basically be a slave to their family.

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Your expectations are what people lack in this world. People want the fairy tale but always give in to something lesser and accept less than what they wanted, which isn't a bad thing but some people give up too much. Your ideas aren't unrealistic, minus the housewife one which in this world is hard to only have one parents income unless their job is great paying, and if there ever was a divorce then you'd have been out of work for years and jobs don't hire people out of work for that long.

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I think it depends. Are you willing to live a very modest life? If so, then I think you can get by on one income. If I'm reading what I've just found on the internet correctly, the median income of a single-earner household in the U.S. is around $47,000 per year. If your willing to live in a small house, drive cheaper cars, limit your entertainment budget, ect...then I think you could be okay on that. I'll be honest with you. I, personally, want a wife that is interested in having a career. I think there might be some guys out there who would be okay with their wife being a homemaker, though. 

 

I'm not sure what you mean when you say the "stereotypical, uncouth modern-day husband." I think men of the past were less expected to be sensitive than men are today, so, if anything, I think you would have more luck finding a sensitive man in 2013 than in 1953.

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Just wanted to say that I relate to you so much, even down to hoping to write and get published one day. I totally want to be a stay at home mom and am willing to live frugally in order to do it. ;)

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Yes a modest budget could hold a one income family, but it's still good to have both parents working, I would not let my wife stay at home and I'd put up a good fight to keep her working as I do not live a spend free life as my hobbies are cars, which is expensive :)

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My mom was/is a stay at home mom for the vast majority of my childhood. It's not for everyone, but it was her dream and she doesn't regret it at all, so if that's your dream I don't think it's unrealistic and I say go for it. My dad never made a ton of money, but we managed. I'm going into engineering and the average starting salary for engineers is $60K+, which is a little more than twice what I think my dad has generally made (and that was on top of having a bunch of kids). So I wouldn't mind at all if my wife wanted to be a  stay-at-home mom or work from home. In fact, I used to prefer it, but I'm fine either way (it seems that by default most career women are more driven than I am, and that's a little intimidating, lol). I think the happiest marriage is between two people who are doing what they want to do. 

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The women around you are wrong and narrowminded. They have succumbed to the low standards and the lies that society has told them and I real very sorry for them. I hate it when people, especially women, say stay at home moms have no aspirations and are lazy. It's ironic when they say women have to have a career to be "equal" or empowered when in reality, they are just as oppressive as any patriarchal system. They are basically dictating how a woman should or should not act. Sounds familiar? They are delusional and quite frankly, not fit to parent kids at all because they do not understand the type of hard work and dedication it takes to raise children. Unlike your average 9-5 job, being a parent in a 24/7 job with no pay, no benefits, no vacation time so don't tell stay at home moms (or dads) they are lazy. I think raising kids full time is much harder than any other job out there. Plus, God forbid a woman chooses to put her kids above any money-making career. There's nothing wrong with both parents working, there is nothing wrong with a mom choosing to stay home. They are both equally valid life goals. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

I can tell you with confidence that your a fairy tale as you described is not unrealistic at all. It may be hard to find, but definitely not unrealistic. It is no more unrealistic than the idea of WTM. Honestly I am saddened that those around you have such a defeatist attitude because it leads me to believe they have low self esteem and go for guys that treat them like crap. Chivalry is not dead and there are lots of guys who will treat a girl with love and respect. That is what every girl should expect at the bare minimum. The kind of man you want is exactly the kind of husband and father I aspire to be one day. Though i hope to make enough to support so she can stay home and raise our kids, I will respect whatever she wants to do career-wise. No guy is perfect and will make mistakes, but you can find guys who will treat you like a queen. Never give up on your high standards.

 

As far as having a single income is concerned, I agree with what the others have said. It depends on your situation, but it's far from impossible even in this economy. The key is if you plan on living on one income, you need to be able to live within your means. Don't waste money on stuff you don't need.

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Just been thinking and have a few more thoughts. Guys, please try and keep an open mind when it comes to your wife being a stay at home mom. If you marry a woman who definitely wants kids, even if she wants to still work, she could very well change her mind. Having experienced being an aunt, they truly grow so fast, one minute she was a little mite I could hold with one arm, and a few months later she had doubled in size and weight. Those moments with your children are fleeting, especially when they are babies. At the end of your life what will matter most, that you spent as much time as you could cherishing your children when you had the chance, or that you had as much money as you could?

 

My mom had no choice but to work, she didn't marry a man who could afford her desire to be a stay at home mom, but she definitely wanted to be. I respect and love her so much for what she did for us growing up, but I wish more of my early memories were of doing stuff with her instead of being with a babysitter or going to an after school program. Some of my best memories are of when I was in kindergarten and my brother was born. She was on maternity leave and she was home when I got home, it was the best feeling ever♥!

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A little off topic, the stay at home mom stuff is great, but isn't practical. The wife now has sole control over the home and children which not all men want. If there's a divorce she's screwed because after 5+ years without a job in this day and age is equivalent to decades out of work because of the tech upgrades of the world, you may think you've got it made but when those divorce papers show up, your settlements only going to last so long. Just because you waited, doesn't mean your fairy tale husbands going to stay forever. Or if he dies? Then what? Just as bad as getting divorced except the money will dry up faster.

Single income will be no fun if its not 65k+ a year with careful spending still, I expect to continue my hobbies even if I'm married and would consider not staying with a girlfriend or wife if I couldn't support my hobbies while being with them if it was their decisions keeping me from it.

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Just been thinking and have a few more thoughts. Guys, please try and keep an open mind when it comes to your wife being a stay at home mom. If you marry a woman who definitely wants kids, even if she wants to still work, she could very well change her mind. Having experienced being an aunt, they truly grow so fast, one minute she was a little mite I could hold with one arm, and a few months later she had doubled in size and weight. Those moments with your children are fleeting, especially when they are babies. At the end of your life what will matter most, that you spent as much time as you could cherishing your children when you had the chance, or that you had as much money as you could?

 

My mom had no choice but to work, she didn't marry a man who could afford her desire to be a stay at home mom, but she definitely wanted to be. I respect and love her so much for what she did for us growing up, but I wish more of my early memories were of doing stuff with her instead of being with a babysitter or going to an after school program. Some of my best memories are of when I was in kindergarten and my brother was born. She was on maternity leave and she was home when I got home, it was the best feeling ever♥!

I have to admit I would be very frustrated if my wife had agreed that she was going to continue working and then suddenly decided she didn't want to go back to work. Even though it would be unfortunate to miss out on some moments with the kids, at the end of the day I would rather my wife and I make enough money to have a comfortable lifestyle for us and our kids. Do I want us to be work-a-holics who never see our kids? No, obviously not. But I think we could both work and still see plenty of our kids. These are my own personal views. I'm not saying this is the right way, just that it is right for me and I want a wife who feels it is also right for her.

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Remember that feminism isn't about women working in a field. Feminism is about women having a choice. If you want to be a stay at home mother, a true feminist would support you in that choice. It is a valuable yet unappreciated job.

I, myself want to be a mother as well. I am going into social work and want to work in the field but when I have kids I may decide to take off to raise my kids for a while. I'm going to wait to make that decision when the time comes but my family will always come before any job that I could ever have.

And with the chivalrous husband, I sure hope that's still possible to find. All of us deserve it. :) I'm holding on to that hope as well.

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@wny: What I mean by “stereotypical, uncouth, modern-day husband†is a man with no tact or respect for their peers, wife, and family. Manners go a long way with me.

 

When I go out with you, I don’t want you flying off the handle if someone says something you don’t like or catcalls at me. Likewise, I don’t want you catcalling at other women either. I don’t want to hate going out in public with you because I know you’ll find some reason to cause a scene. When you’re with your boys, I don’t want to have to wonder if you’re telling them every detail of our sex life and comparing me to their wives. I don’t want to have to wonder if you’re sleeping around on me every time you go out of town. I don’t want to hear derogatory, racist, and sexist crap coming out of your mouth every five minutes. And I don’t want you going around punching holes in the walls because you can’t control your anger. I want you to take into account how all of this would affect me and our children if you did something like that. I want you to have an opinion on things, but not to the point where you get belligerent if someone doesn't agree with you. I would like you to be big enough to know when people are just being idiots and trying to get a rise out of you, and ignore them. And instead of bottling up your anger and sadness so it can explode at a moment’s notice, TALK TO ME instead of taking it out on me or the kids. Open communication is a must.

 

@Kailey: Thank you for the encouragement. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who wants this.

 

@envinceable: Thank you, too. I've tried using these same arguments with others, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. They don’t want to hear it.

 

@Mstr Josh: How exactly is being a stay-at-home mom impractical? I don’t want my children being raised by an impersonal daycare system; I want that time with them. According to the CCAA, in 2012, the average cost for full time care for one infant is over $10,000. Center-based infant care cost more than 10 percent of the state’s average income for a two-parent family. You really want to put out that kind of money out just because you want your wife to work?

 

If things between my husband and I did not work out for some reason, or he died unexpectedly, I am not without a support system. My family would take me in if something like that were to happen. And I would do anything to get back on my feet and support my children. Like I said, I don’t plan on mooching off of my husband. I don’t mind having to live a frugal life to do all of this. And if push comes to shove, I’m willing to compromise and get a part-time job. I spent too long trying to conform to what a woman should be in today’s world, I won't do it anymore. I won’t sacrifice my happiness or my children’s future just to please everyone else. This is very important to me. Regardless of what the financial situation is between me and my husband, I will find a way to make it work. It saddens me that you wouldn't do the same, but choose your hobbies over your spouse just because she wanted something different.

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I agree with a little bit of what everyone answered, I also believe that ultimately it really depends on the time, place and situation in which you do wed and have children. And no, absolutely I don't think it's naive! I think if you are dreaming and waiting around for this to happen (I am going to assume you are not, you're working and making a living now :) ) then possibly I would say reconsider what your life plans are. 

 

My mother always told me that it was her dream to be a mother, and often she didn't have another career dream. Being a mother is tough work and I personally believe it's a career in itself! That being said many have pointed out that sometimes given the financial standing of families and times we live in it's not always possible. But hey, that's what child planning is for. It takes financial planning as well to support a baby or two... Not just the baby making part and the decision itself!

 

And I really like what NicoleNova said, beautifully put:

 

Remember that feminism isn't about women working in a field. Feminism is about women having a choice. If you want to be a stay at home mother, a true feminist would support you in that choice. It is a valuable yet unappreciated job.

 

Being a woman means you can choose! And back in the day it was simply not socially acceptable to be out in the workforce, or to be the breadwinner of the family. The women in your life who don't agree with the idea of you staying at home with your kids really do not care for you or your feelings, or dreams... And people like that, female or male, simply don't really deserve an important part in your life or in your thoughts. 

 

:) Just my thoughts!

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Suggest a different thread about mothers who stay at home, because in this day and age, I believe it's imperative.

 

Is it naive to want that? Unfortunately, I'm going to give you the answer you don't want to hear but already know to be true. Yes it is.

 

BUT: If that's naive, then I am too. I think naive is ignorance, a blissful, clueless lack of knowledge. You don't lack the knowledge, therefore you can't be naive. What you have are high hopes/aspirations, and the small minded people of the world will always be quick to stamp those out. They settled and gave up on their aspirations, so they don't want you to get yours.

 

Instead of naive, call it unwilling to settle. Call it aspiring to have something a little better.

 

Ask God if that's His plan for you, and do everything in your power to make it happen. Do what you can to make yourself attractive to the man you seek, and do what you can to put yourself in the place to meet such men.

 

And don't settle.

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A little off topic, the stay at home mom stuff is great, but isn't practical. The wife now has sole control over the home and children which not all men want. 

 

That statement is just not true. My dad raised me and my siblings just as much as my mom did. She took care of the house and most of the meals, and made sure we stayed on task with our school-work, he came home and rough-housed with us, disciplined us, also cooked, etc. Their jobs with regards to raising us overlapped, but that was the general structure. 

 

 

If there's a divorce she's screwed because after 5+ years without a job in this day and age is equivalent to decades out of work because of the tech upgrades of the world, you may think you've got it made but when those divorce papers show up, your settlements only going to last so long. Just because you waited, doesn't mean your fairy tale husbands going to stay forever. Or if he dies? Then what? Just as bad as getting divorced except the money will dry up faster.

 

I have to admit that's an important point, for most people and the way they treat marriage. But I hope to be one of those "fairy-tale husbands" one day, and there's no way I'm divorcing the woman I chose to marry unless there's a very extreme circumstance (not sure I could stand for cheating). If for some reason I initiate a divorce, I'll at least have the decency to give her time to look for work, and support her in the meantime. And worrying about something like an unlikely death is no reason to live unhappily.

 

Not implying you should change your standard and be willing to date/marry someone who wants to be a stay-at-home mom, that's your decision (we all have deal-breakers). Just saying that Sneetche following her dream isn't unwise if she does it right.

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Okay, I think there is a difference in a stay at home mom, a woman who leaves work to nurture/care for her children, and a stay at home wife, a woman who doesn't work even when there are no children. I plan to work until children arrive and maybe even after a certain point in their lives, unless I end up homeschooling them. This is what my sister/brother in law did as well as my cousin and her husband. So, there are men out there ladies.

 

@Josh-I can feel how strongly this would upset you, as if you feel like the woman is mooching or something. There may be some women like that, but I am certainly not one of them. I just happen to place a very high priority on family. My mom encouraged me to get my college education in part so that I will always have that to fall back on, because her own dreams fell apart. I can tell you this, I certainly didn't spend all those years acquiring my degrees for no other reason than to fill up that space of time in my life.  My brother lives, eats, sleeps, and breathes cars and is working to become a mechanic, but I know when he has a family he will not be so selfish as to place his hobby above his family, no man would. Obviously, just because your wife is working doesn't mean you can spend as much money as you want on a hobby.

 

@wny-How did I know you would feel that way :). That's fine, but just keep it in the back of your head that there is always a possibility that she could change her mind. Many women describe those moments when their maternity leave is over as gut wrenching.

 

 

"84% of working women told ForbesWoman and TheBump that staying home to raise children is a financial luxury they aspire to"

and

"one in three resent their partner for not earning enough to make that dream a reality"

http://www.forbes.com/sites/meghancasserly/2012/09/12/is-opting-out-the-new-american-dream-for-working-women/

 

Obviously, it is a very common, natural desire and there is nothing wrong with feeling this way.

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Hmm, very insightful information to be had here. Thank you all for your contributions. I guess I'll add another male's perspective to the pile.

 

I WANT a stay-at-home mother. Let me repeat that. I WANT a stay-at-home mother, and there's but one reason for that desire:

 

A child requires the love, nurturing and guidance only a biological parent can provide. Children are quite delicate, creature's born with an adaptive state of being. You act cocky, your child will typically grow into that cockiness. You're a smoker, your child will typically grow into smoking. It's real, and it's scary.

 

That's why I agree with Sneetche! I crave for a partner who understands the delicacy of raising children, and who puts the family before all else. She'll do her best to raise our children, and I'll try my hardest to provide for those I love. 

 

I guess I better get this writing career going, then!  :lol:

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I don't think it is wrong to want that but there are always things we have to compromise on.

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@wny-How did I know you would feel that way :). That's fine, but just keep it in the back of your head that there is always a possibility that she could change her mind. Many women describe those moments when their maternity leave is over as gut wrenching.

 

 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/meghancasserly/2012/09/12/is-opting-out-the-new-american-dream-for-working-women/

 

Obviously, it is a very common, natural desire and there is nothing wrong with feeling this way.

Keep in mind that Forbes is a conservative media outlet, so I would suspect that 84% is probably much higher than the actual number. Nonetheless, I don't doubt that there is a decent number of women who would prefer that. I just think if we agreed beforehand that it would be wrong of her to refuse to go back to work. I'll just have to hope that that doesn't happen because I think her changing her mind like that would cause a strain in our marriage. But, I can't help but to think the type of woman I would even be attracted to would be the type who really values working. So, assuming I end up with that type of woman, I don't think the risk would be as great.

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Okay, I think there is a difference in a stay at home mom, a woman who leaves work to nurture/care for her children, and a stay at home wife, a woman who doesn't work even when there are no children. I plan to work until children arrive and maybe even after a certain point in their lives, unless I end up homeschooling them. This is what my sister/brother in law did as well as my cousin and her husband. So, there are men out there ladies.

@Josh-I can feel how strongly this would upset you, as if you feel like the woman is mooching or something. There may be some women like that, but I am certainly not one of them. I just happen to place a very high priority on family. My mom encouraged me to get my college education in part so that I will always have that to fall back on, because her own dreams fell apart. I can tell you this, I certainly didn't spend all those years acquiring my degrees for no other reason than to fill up that space of time in my life. My brother lives, eats, sleeps, and breathes cars and is working to become a mechanic, but I know when he has a family he will not be so selfish as to place his hobby above his family, no man would. Obviously, just because your wife is working doesn't mean you can spend as much money as you want on a hobby.

@wny-How did I know you would feel that way :). That's fine, but just keep it in the back of your head that there is always a possibility that she could change her mind. Many women describe those moments when their maternity leave is over as gut wrenching.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/meghancasserly/2012/09/12/is-opting-out-the-new-american-dream-for-working-women/

Obviously, it is a very common, natural desire and there is nothing wrong with feeling this way.

Having many degrees is good, but after a certain amount of years out of work no one will hire you. Employers want people still new in the world, not having been absen from the work place for years. My friends mother is a masters in computer science, and has a doctor it in what ever else I don't know, she wanted to be a stay at home mom and her husband was a doctor. He cheated on her, divorce. Now spousal support won't pay all your bills and she has not found a job after 6 years of applying.

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@Mstr Josh: How exactly is being a stay-at-home mom impractical? I don’t want my children being raised by an impersonal daycare system; I want that time with them. According to the CCAA, in 2012, the average cost for full time care for one infant is over $10,000. Center-based infant care cost more than 10 percent of the state’s average income for a two-parent family. You really want to put out that kind of money out just because you want your wife to work?

If things between my husband and I did not work out for some reason, or he died unexpectedly, I am not without a support system. My family would take me in if something like that were to happen. And I would do anything to get back on my feet and support my children. Like I said, I don’t plan on mooching off of my husband. I don’t mind having to live a frugal life to do all of this. And if push comes to shove, I’m willing to compromise and get a part-time job. I spent too long trying to conform to what a woman should be in today’s world, I won't do it anymore. I won’t sacrifice my happiness or my children’s future just to please everyone else. This is very important to me. Regardless of what the financial situation is between me and my husband, I will find a way to make it work. It saddens me that you wouldn't do the same, but choose your hobbies over your spouse just because she wanted something different.

Family doesn't always take family in, they may not be able to afford to or even have the living space. And if I had to give up my hobbie, which hobbie is an understatement because cars and rally cross racing is me, a part of me. If I had to give that up I wouldnt be able to be myself, and refusing to give up who I am is not selfish, I wouldn't give it up even to save the life of a loved one. And it's not if my other half wanted to do something different, it's if she wanted to be a stay at home mom or just not want to work, I wouldn't tolerate that. And day care is great for children, it allows them to develop even more opinions on the world and meet different children that don't only go to their school instead of constantly being under the parents influence.

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And if I had to give up my hobbie, which hobbie is an understatement because cars and rally cross racing is me, a part of me. If I had to I've that up I would be able to be myself, and refusing to give up who I am is not selfish, I wouldn't give it up even to save the life of a loved one. 

Wow, just wow. I pity your future wife and kids if your house was on fire and you were forced to choose between saving their lives or your cars. I don't care how you justify it, that is the epitome of selfishness. You placing your love for inanimate objects over the life of a human being is borderline sociopathic. 

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Wow, just wow. I pity your future wife and kids if your house was on fire and you were forced to choose between saving their lives or your cars. I don't care how you justify it, that is the epitome of selfishness. You placing your love for inanimate objects over the life of a human being is borderline sociopathic.

Not in that type of situation, I would do everything in my power to save them there. If a relative or loved one was dying of a disease or needed money, selling my cars which are like children to me would be un thinkable. I have attachments to my possessions and would never part with them. And I would certinly never give them up to help someone live their dream if it means killing my own dream.

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There will always be compromises.

 

It's up to you and your partner to talk it out and make everything go happy! 

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