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Anna

Difficult Choices

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This question has been asked a thousand times but I just wanted a little help and input from you guys. It sort of relates to when should I tell him I'm waiting?

I've just started uni and there is a guy who really likes me and I quite like him too but I am genuinely too scared to get back into a relationship. I've had such a terrible time with guys in the past that I can't put myself through it all again and I can't put my heart out there even though I'd like to be able to.

He knows about my bad experiences and understands why I distrust guys but I'm petrified to go through the stress of telling him I'm waiting and then the difficulties that come with being in a relationship without the physical stuff (like he wants to do other things or will get bored or I feel constantly worried that I'm not enough)

I have a mental check-list in my head of what I want the guy I'm going to get into a relationship with to be like and because I don't get that ultimate feeling of-he could be the relationship that helps me forget about the rest and just be at peace and happy I'm not sure whether to continue it. We haven't kissed but we have cuddled and held hands. He is a really respectful guy and won't make any moves unless he knows I'm comfortable with it and ready so he seems more genuine than the rest.

It's frustrating because I know I don't want a relationship. Gut feeling and fear tell me this. I don't want to hurt him or lead him on but I really enjoy having him in my life sooo it's the choice between carrying on as we are with the possibility of becoming too emotionally attached and then telling him or just trying to end it now, hurt myself and him and feel sad for a while that I can't let go of my past and my insecurities.

Urgh I just wish I could be free, single and not have the stress of a guy on my shoulders along with everything else! I want to wait until I'm older to get into a relationship but I don't want to let go of what could be a good thing right now. I have a feeing that it could all turn sour before Christmas! It's ridiculous how I over think everything but I'm just trying to prevent the pain and plan!

It's okay if there isn't really a way to reply to this. I just needed to vent a little.

Thanks

Anna :)

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Anna,

I just wanted to say that I hope things go well with him and you are less stressed =)

One big thing that helped me recently was realizing that I have nothing to lose. If I tell a guy about waiting and he really can't deal or is already asking/pressuring for more, than I don't have anything set in stone.

You probably remeber me mentioning a guy I went on dates with this summer. Nothing happened out of it and I'm glad because some friends helped ne to realize that he didn't treat his last gf respectfully/well aka not how I want & deserve to be treated.

He sounds really sweet and it sounds like you two have slowly revealed more and more about yourselves such as past experiences, etc. I think it would be benficial sometime to sneak it into conversation....like if you're on a related topic, pull it in. Related being pregnancy, birth control, other people you know, etc

If he really doesn't respect that/isn't okay with it, you need to be comfotable with your decision not to date him if it comes to it. I have found the most satisfaction in life by truly being myself and sticking to my guns so to speak.

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aww thank you! That definitely helps a lot! I will keep it in mind next time I'm with him. I just didn't want to come out with it too early because I don't feel like it's serious enough yet but at the same time I want to get it out of the way so it's not on my mind.

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Hey Anna!

I read this and found it intriguing. So this is what I think. I read a part in your article where you said you are not wanting a relationship, I believe. So, personally, I would not encourage it. However, if you really like this person but it's just your fears kicking it, then I would say go for it. Why? Well if it turns out bad it turns out bad. Something to grow and learn from and he's just someone to check off the list too and don't have to worry about it anymore. I will say, most people have had bad past relationships but please don't let that hinder you from finding the right person or giving love another shot. Furthermore, you sound like how I used to be, give this guy a fair chance until he proves you otherwise. You stated something about mistrusting guys, right? Well let those be experiences to learn from, I could be wrong Anna, but I don't see how measuring this guy, who seems to be genuinely interested in you, to previously failed relationships or bad experiences with guys is going to be beneficial to either one of ya'll. If he were to measure you by past mistakes, it would not be fair to you so it's probably not fair to him. Maybe you can try this, new person, new slate, fresh start, new beginning♥ Try and think more optimistically about ya'lls future, yourself, and your partner and you'll see how much lighter the relationship will feel.

Here's a tip: if you guys call eachother, like if you have his number saved in your phone, change his name to something that'll give you positive thoughts like- "My Sweets" or "Muah" or something like that. You'll see how your reaction will change when he contacts you. It eases your fears by seeing your significant other as a partner rather than an adversary. It also makes them a priority....something I had to learn the hard way. :) Hoped I helped dear!

and for a final thought: Girl, you've waited-trust me YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH!!!! :)

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I say it straight up honey. I tell them if they expect sex then they might as well go someone else right now. They will NOT be getting it from.

Honesty is the best policy :)

If they don't like it oh well

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If he were to measure you by past mistakes, it would not be fair to you so it's probably not fair to him. Maybe you can try this, new person, new slate, fresh start, new beginning♥

That definitely hit home! I know I would hate it and he definitely hates it.

In regards to the relationship-I'm closed and find it difficult to trust. I'm just really wary when it comes to my emotions and I feel too young to get into anything serious. I'm happy being single and don't want a guy to throw me of that happiness, it's why I fear relationships BUT surprisingly with this guy I don't have any fears any more which I've never had before!

He came over and I figured I'd tell him, see what he thinks etc. and I kept thinking about what you said Sally 'I have nothing to lose! Your loss!' haha and he took it really well. He told me that he'd never slept with anyone either and that he was fine with it. Surprisingly he said it doesn't change the way he feels about me at all and actually asked what I wanted him to do. Whether I wanted him to back off and where it left us now. I just said that we should carry on as we are and go with the flow, not think about it too much and he seemed really happy that I hadn't asked him to leave me alone. I'll only know if he really is okay with it all as time goes on but it feels like a massive weight has been lifted and his reaction makes me feel at ease about it. So for the first time I don't feel guilty about not sleeping with someone and I don't really fear romance!

Thank you for your words of wisdom everyone! Really helped me!

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Awww Anna soo excited for you!!! That is great !! :) Good luck with him; I"m so glad you got a chance to talk to him and he sounds very accepting--unlike the guy I told this summer ".....sooo...what else is okay?" hahaha

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