Beau

Really jealous about my boyfriends past

31 posts in this topic

My boyfriend has had sex, lots of it, and it's really bothering me. I don't talk to him about it because he can't do anything about it and he feels bad. 

 

He's had sex with 9 girls, done oral with 14 (not including the 9 he had sex with), he's gone skinny dipping with groups of people and he's had threesomes with an ex-girlfriend and a couple different girls. The girls that were involved in the threesomes he doesn't count as sexual partners because he didn't touch them. But it counts to me, differently, but it still counts and still hurts. Add all that up and he's been around over 30 naked girls. 

 

I didn't ask him any of this, I told him not to tell me. But he felt bad and wanted to get everything on the table. He thought I wouldn't want to be with him if I ever found out. 

 

A while ago I asked him how many sexual partners he thought was a lot. He said "At 25 I'd start to feel a little weird. That's not that many. If anyone has a problem with that then they have some serious sexual self esteem issues." Needless to say, I pretended like it didn't bother me. He has no idea I was seriously bothered by that. I feel like I don't know who I'm dating... 

 

We had a little bit of a rough patch a while back and he brought up a break. We worked things out but he said if we were on a 2 week break that it would be perfectly okay for him to sleep with other women. He didn't think he would, but also didn't think it was wrong. But if I did, it would be wrong because I'm waiting.

 

He recently told me that an ex of his had "weird" boobs, out of no where. He said her nipples were too big and too dark. Then we watched a movie with a little girl nudity and he commented on some of the actors nice boobs. He was joking, sort of. He did like them, but he wasn't trying to make me upset. I hid it, but what if he doesn't like mine? He has over 30 girls to compare me too... And some of them have features that he likes that I don't have. He's even commented on labia! He said it's "gross" when they are too long and "flappy". 

 

We've been together for a year and a half and I've known all of this for pretty much the entire relationship. I thought I would get use to it and it would go away, but it doesn't. He always tells me that he feels special because I'm waiting. But I don't get to feel special at all, and that's not fair...

 

This is literally the only problem in our relationship. We have had about 4 fights during the whole relationship. We get along so well and he treats me amazing. He's even mentioned engagement, but I'm not ready yet. I don't know what to do. I don't want this to always be in the back of my mind. 

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I would also be jealous if I was with a girl and she had been with that many people. I wouldn't be upset by the fact she was with a lot of people and could be considered a "slut". I'd be upset so many people have that personal piece of her. You have a right to be jealous of that and more. You need to sit down and have a very very serious talk with him or you need to seriously re consider the relationship. But if you truly love him, you should be able to work through it.

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Honestly, I second Mstr Josh's advice. However, I'm also kind of cautious as to saying whether or not things could work out. I understand that opposites do attract, but, if you're as different in values and lifestyles as you two are, I really don't see this either lasting or ending well. Especially since he wouldn't see it as 'wrong' if he basically cheated on you. A good guy (notice I'm not saying a 'nice' guy) wouldn't do such things or talk about women like that, period. I think you've got some deep thinking ahead of you and, as hard as it may be, it would most likely be the best for you, if you made a break for it, while things are still decent enough on your end. Just my two cents...

See ya on the flipside,

Altan

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There was a post a I made sometime ago with a similar scenario here. His past is something that in a way has increased the distance bewteen you. You feel because you are waiting and he has not, that you may be at odds. 

 

I have mentioned in my other posts that when two people start to form a relationship they have two options moving forward:

  • They accept the person as they are, understanding they may have a dark or different past, but that your love for each other will be stronger. (Meaning: You accept the person as they are)
  • They do not accept each other, feeling there is two much distance to close between them regarding values, history, or trust. (Meaning: You do not accept the person as they are)
     

I sincerely believe that love can conquer most things and that you should remain committed to each other. However, you have to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for. But don't act out of anger, for when we are angry we don't process things the same way, and we are more vulnerable to errors. Not saying you will, but that can be what happens.

While you may not want to hear about his past, perhaps you should discuss what your potential (or eventual) sex life would be like. If it is congruent that things will work out, but if not, then perhaps you may need to go back to the conversation. 

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Wow Beau. When I read you post.. many things went through my mind. I agree 110% with Altan, Justin and lil Josh. Things that came to mind.. even if he had numerous sex.. I don't want to talk you out of it or scare you.. but

1. Was it safe sex?

2. The oral sex shows red lights [my point of view]. STD pops up my mind.

3. What if he sees you as another "number"?

4. What if he sees your private parts and made comment and don't like it [like you mentioned]

5. What if you're married and he compares the sex he had with you with his ex's?

But like Justin mentioned above.. "don't act out of anger"

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Have you ever heard the concept that people will tell you something that bothers them to make themselves feel better? It seems like this could have been what he was doing, he dumped all of his past on you to lighten his "baggage" and now you are the one who is weighted down by it. In my opinion, that was not a very loving thing for him to do, especially when you told him you didn't want to know. What also jumped out was how he said he could have sex if you two took a break, umm...no, I don't think so. It's fine if either/both of you want some space to take it, but it's not okay for either of you to be with other people during this time.

 

Honestly, a lot of what you said is very negative and doesn't put him in a very good light. I definitely think you need to let him know how all of the stuff you mentioned he told you makes YOU feel, without criticizing him, which could be tough. You know him best, so choose a good time when he is receptive and hopefully he will be understanding of your concerns.

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If him talking about other girls private parts that he's seen makes you feel bad, then I think you should ask him not to talk about that. I don't think it was right of him to say that someone who isn't comfortable with their boyfriend of girlfriend having had up to 25 partners must have self esteem issues. There are other reasons to not like that about a partner. Does he know how uncomfortable you are with all of this? If not, I would tell him. I think you need to work through it together.

The break part also didn't sound right to me. To me, there are two different kinds of breaks. If you take a break from dating, then I agree with each person being able to see other people. It's kind of like saying, "We're not going to date anymore, but maybe there still is something here." To take a break from seeing each other, which it sounds like you guys were doing, is different, though. I don't think it's right to see other people in that case.

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Honestly no offense but if one of my friends told me their boyfriend was like that ^ i would be like WTF! That i find sooo disrespectful, and his behaviour sounds really immature and like he objectifies women, whilst paying no heed to how you could be feeling about it.. that is just plain insensitive. 

 

I know you say hes great and amazing. But all the other stuff you said, should be a huge RED FLAG! A guy who saids that if your on a break, that he "might" sleep with other girls.. that is in my opinion awful. And i would seriously question if he even cares. 
 

The fact that he was able to say that, makes it sound like he is just trying to "conquer" you.. because he likes the challenge of maybe one day being able to get your "virginity". I'd seriously question if that is his main motive.. cause he seems very focused on getting laid. 

 

I hope your able to talk to him about it, :(  Im sorry if that sounded ^ blunt, i've just been in that situation and i think your in a very difficult place.. and his behaviour honestly worries me. :( and i wish i'd listened to people who were trying to warn me.. 

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Oh Beau. How often I've been in similar situations. :( I feel your pain and I wish I could say something to make it go away.

 

You've obviously got some major concerns, and rightly so. Your boyfriend has disrespected women, sex and himself with his actions. I would agree with Kailey that he's unburdened himself and burdened you instead, and you've also got some major concerns of baggage, sexually transmitted infections, etc. You've got every right to be upset. He's either been brought up or conditioned not to respect women, and has treated them as objects for his own satisfaction. 

 

It's important to realize these are all symptoms. They're horrible ones, but the underlying problem is selfishness and disrespect. And that is a characteristic that will bleed over into more than just sex.

 

Listen, sex is a huge, huge portion of marriage. The only way you should move forward with a relationship is if you're BOTH completely free from that past. He has some major reforming to do on his attitude towards women, and towards you.

 

If you're like me, you're starting to feel guilty because you are weighed down by all this, but you feel like you would be mean or petty to say you don't want a relationship anymore. You feel guilty. But it's perfectly within your rights to walk. I wouldn't want to share in my future bride's mistakes, put myself at risk for a disease (most of which affect women more anyway!) and have to compete with those memories. I don't want sloppy seconds, God's precious gift of sex carelessly rewrapped and regifted. I don't want any of that.

 

But despite the quandary, you do owe him to make a decision. Don't keep yanking him around. If you can't handle this hurt, and you KNOW you will always be haunted by his past, then make a clean fast break now, before either of you get any more hurt. If you choose to stay with it, then make a commitment to find a way to move passed it.

 

If you end it, you will be hurt. You might ask yourself if he would be just as hurt, or if he would just find someone else's vagina to play around in. At the moment, he's certainly not going to give you the value and respect you deserve, and if he wants permission or freedom to sleep around during a two-week break, he has no commitment OR self-control, and if you were my sister, I'd beg, plead and implore you to respect yourself enough to end it. You're worth so much more.

 

My guess is you already have your answer, it just hurts. I'm sorry dearie. :(

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I'm really sorry to be this blunt, but I think there are a lot more issues here than that your bf has a sexual past. This goes far beyond having sex before marriage. It sounds like he told you this not just to be honest. If he wanted to be honest, he could have said something like "I've had a really promiscuous past, and numerous partners, but I'm changing all that now. And from now on I'm going to wait until marriage with you." By giving you the details (since you told him you didn't want to know) it sounds like he either wanted to see your horrified reaction, somehow is proud of his "conquests," or wants to unload all his baggage onto you.

 

From what you told in your post, it sounds like this is a man that is not interested in being with one girl at all. And the biggest red flag that shot up for me, is that he "might sleep with other girls" on your 2 week break. If he really cared about you, he would have absolutely no intention of sleeping with someone else. It sounds like even if you two got married, any time you had a fight, he'd take that as an opportunity to cheat.

 

Also, any honorable man would never discuss the details of what he did with women he had relations with. Nor any of their body parts. That is beyond sleazy.

 

His comments and general attitude toward relationships is your biggest problem. Again, sorry if this is harsh. :(  But it might be time to move on. :(

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I don't think he told me to make me feel bad. He doesn't seem like based on this post, but he's actually a nice guy (to me it seems that way). He isn't just looking for sex because there have been a few times that I almost caved and he stopped it. I think he just wanted to get it off his chest and he was worried if I ever found out that I would change my mind. 

 

It wasn't all safe sex.. He used condoms with girls he hooked up with, but not for oral or in a relationship. He hasn't had an STD ever, but he hasn't been tested recently. He would if I asked. I would make him before we did anything. Before we met, he hadn't done anything with anyone for a year. 

 

He's only done stuff with people that he knows. This is both good and bad. Good because if someone gave him something it would be easier to tell him and he knows that he hasn't gotten anyone pregnant (unless they aborted). But it sucks because he hangs out with people that he's fooled around with, done oral with and had sex with. He doesn't usually hang out with them (he's usually with guy friends), but it bothers me when he does. He's been way more intimate with them than he as with me and they know him better. 

 

I don't think he would ever cheat on me if we got into a fight. Sometimes I do worry though when he's being distant or he's at a party. He has cheated in his past, a lot, but he hasn't cheated on me and didn't cheat on his last girlfriend (even though she cheated on him). He was still a teenager when he cheated, and immature. He feels really bad about it and gets upset sometimes. But him saying it would have been okay for him to hook up with people if we went on a short break, I hated that. It made me question everything. He has said that he wishes his number was lower. But has also said that if we broke up he would hook up with people to get over me, if there was anyone around he wanted to hook up with. So that doesn't make sense... He can't wish his number was lower, but still sleep around. 

 

I don't think he would tell me if he didn't like my parts. I think he just wouldn't tell me that he did, you know? But I'm terrified that he'll compare our sex with all the sex he's had before. I don't even think he'd be able to help it... It's normal to compare things. I compare him to my ex's (he's far better). I wouldn't be as good as the girls who go around screwing everyone and know just what a guy likes. I have a lot of people to compare to and be better than... I don't want someone else to be better than me at pleasing him.. 

 

Out of the 9 girls he's had sex with, 6 of them were virgins. I asked. I also asked him if it would still be special with me, because he's already done it so many times. And he said it was a bit more special with them... He doesn't think it will be quite as special because he thinks waiting for so long will ruin it a little bit. 

 

I asked him to always be honest with me, and to my knowledge he has. Even when he knows I won't like it. I love that about him and hate it at the same time. 

 

It bothers me that if we have sex, I'll be putting him into the double digits (for sex). Part of me feels like that when we are married, I won't want to... like I'd feel gross or something. I feel gross when I think about the fact that we've made out and his face has been up in 14 women's privates. I want there to be something that is just ours, but there is nothing. He's done everything. Everything will be brand new for me, but old news for him. The only thing that he has never done is gotten off inside of a girl without a condom. I try and focus on that. But unless we were trying for a baby or I was pregnant, we wouldn't be doing that.

 

Part of the problem is that I live in (I swear) the most promiscuous area ever. Honestly, people except to see a Loch Ness Monster before they meet a virgin over 14. Kids in grade 6 are having sex, frequently. We started sex education in grade 5! Everyone thinks he is crazy for being with me and wonders why he is. I've dated 2 other guys before him and the first cheated on me tons of times (with my friends) and the other broke up with me because I was "different". I've had so many guys make fun of me and reject me because of it. So I feel like I want to hold on to the one guy that doesn't think I'm a freak. 

 

 

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Out of the 9 girls he's had sex with, 6 of them were virgins. I asked. I also asked him if it would still be special with me, because he's already done it so many times. And he said it was a bit more special with them... He doesn't think it will be quite as special because he thinks waiting for so long will ruin it a little bit.

 

I'm sorry, but this alone is a HUGE red flag. A shining, giant, thick red flag that is a beacon of warning to all waiters, or anyone else who values sex. That's all I'm going to say.

 

Best of luck!!!

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I know you don't want to hear this, but I feel that I would be doing you a disservice to not express my honest opinion.

 

I cannot encourage you to stay in this relationship. I think it would be best if you end things.

 

I really do not think that this man is the one you are supposed to be with, for the reasons so many other posters have given in detail. I feel like this guy is manipulating you, trying to convince you that his actions are acceptable; the more he discusses his sexual past, the more you will become numb to it, and eventually accept it as normal. He tells you things about his past that you have asked him not to share, which is not loving or respectful, then tells you that there is something wrong with you if you have a problem with his past. He tells you he loves you and wants to marry you, but then he tells you that, given the chance, he would happily sleep with other girls during a temporary break that is supposed to be about strengthening your relationship. He wants you to stay his pure virgin bride that he comes home to, but only after having had his fun with every other girl in the land; he wants to have his cake and eat it too. And he displays no respect for the women he has slept with, regularly mocking them. You say he is a nice guy, but I do not see any evidence of that at all. You say he treats you "amazing," but none of this sounds amazing. It sounds pretty awful, and very painful.

 

I can understand your desire to defend him. You love him, and you say that he is better than your past boyfriends. You want to see the best in him. You are emotionally attached to him, and you feel sympathy for him when he expresses remorse for his promiscuous ways. But I really, truly believe that you deserve so much better than what this guy is offering. Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean that you should marry them. A lot of times, girls stay in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone. I don't want you to be one of those girls. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who will not treat you right, and this guy has not been treating you right, nor has he been treating the girls in his past well.

 

In the end, it is your choice, but please do not stay with him simply out of a fear that you will not find anyone else who wants to be with you, or that you will not find anyone else that you can love. You are worthy of love, and there will be other men out there who recognize that and do their best to be worthy of you in return. You are kind, and sweet, and good. I know you want to make this work, but I think in the end, you would probably be far happier if you let him go and gave yourself a chance to start anew; I expect that after the initial pain, you would end up feeling relieved. Please value yourself highly; you are precious.

 

Again, I know that none of this is what you want to hear right now, and I am sorry for that. This is not a happy business, but I care about you and want the best for you. Whatever you decide, you are in my prayers.

 

Best wishes, and hugs!

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If my girl was like that I know I would break up with her honestly not trying to be a jerk just being honest that would be to much.

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Now thinking about it the commenting on an exes breasts may have been a way to try to make you feel better by saying they looked weird and he was just acting dumb but I don't know for sure.

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Out of the 9 girls he's had sex with, 6 of them were virgins. I asked. I also asked him if it would still be special with me, because he's already done it so many times. And he said it was a bit more special with them... He doesn't think it will be quite as special because he thinks waiting for so long will ruin it a little bit. 

 

Being a virgin guy worried he'll never find a virgin girl to date, this grieves me. But selfish reasons aside I, like others, would not be able to encourage you to stay in this relationship. 

 

It bothers me that if we have sex, I'll be putting him into the double digits (for sex). Part of me feels like that when we are married, I won't want to... like I'd feel gross or something. I feel gross when I think about the fact that we've made out and his face has been up in 14 women's privates. I want there to be something that is just ours, but there is nothing. He's done everything. Everything will be brand new for me, but old news for him. The only thing that he has never done is gotten off inside of a girl without a condom. I try and focus on that. But unless we were trying for a baby or I was pregnant, we wouldn't be doing that.

 

This, combined with the first quote, is a huge red flag to me. Neither one of you seems to think your physical intimacy will be anything special. You've waited, you've resisted the natural urges of your body because you value yourself and the gift you want to give to your husband. I'm not sure he even comprehends how special you and your decision are, much less appreciates it. ("He doesn't think it will be quite as special because he thinks waiting for so long will ruin it a little bit." WTF?? I'm sorry if I'm out of line, but this guy seems to enjoy having you for your loyalty and compassion and emotional support, but still wants to enjoy the girls that will put-out just for the heck of it. He is the worst kind of promiscuous guy. He does absolutely whatever he wants with whomever he wants for years and then wants to settle down with a girl who makes him feel safe and loves him like those other girls never could. Then again, I may be wrong. I don't know  him,obviously. I'm just going by what you've said and most of it was pretty negative (at least to me and others here). He could be a great guy, like Mirage said; but still, he definitely views sex differently than you and I think that can be a major issue in a relationship. Whether it's one that can be worked through is up to you to decide.

 

I apologize for bluntness and and speculation, just felt compelled to comment and try to help.

Edited by matthew
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GET OUT! I agree w most everyone so far. SO many red flags. Trust me you will be MUCH happier with someone else. With his past and his attitude towards sex I would be absolutely shocked if he could even be married without cheating. You know a those stats abt cheating? He fits the definition of someone who most likely would. I feel sorry for you, I really do. But ending things right now is the best choice period. From the things you've told us, the guy is an a$$.

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Alright as the voice that is so often against the flow here I'm going to tell you a few things that are probably pretty clear from this thread.

 

1.) Almost nobody here will support you in staying with him. Everyone here only wants to have sex with one partner in their life, or if they're a reformed waiter. One person for the rest of their life. Someone with your boyfriend's sexual past is not going to be welcomed or liked here.

 

2.) We don't know your boyfriend. No matter how nice, caring, gentle, great or incredible a guy he is. We have never met him, and can rely only on your own account. And as I pointed out in my first point, he doesn't sound like someone most people here would really warm up to. 

 

Now in my own opinion, if he'd already gone a year before he met you without engaging in sex then maybe he was already trying to change? You might not be able to forgive, or forget his past. However you are with him in the present, if you continue to give him a chance maybe he'll show you that he really is devoted to you and only lacked the experience to show it to you in any other way then the way he is now. 

 

Just my thoughts.

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GET OUT! I agree w most everyone so far. SO many red flags. Trust me you will be MUCH happier with someone else. With his past and his attitude towards sex I would be absolutely shocked if he could even be married without cheating. You know a those stats abt cheating? He fits the definition of someone who most likely would. I feel sorry for you, I really do. But ending things right now is the best choice period. From the things you've told us, the guy is an a$$.

DD is absoalutly right, you can do much better and way to many of red flags

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I also asked him if it would still be special with me, because he's already done it so many times. And he said it was a bit more special with them... He doesn't think it will be quite as special because he thinks waiting for so long will ruin it a little bit.

 

I mean this is what every girl dreams of, for her guy to tell her it won't be special WITH HER and it was more special with the girls he has had sex with, but it also will be ruined a little bit because they waited <_<. Seriously, I could care less whether or not he is a virgin, but this quote alone speaks VOLUMES!

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Reading your story breaks my heart! </3  

 

I'm usually the one telling people to give their relationship the benefit of the doubt during the rough patches and when it seems nobody supports them in being who they're with.  This guy is SHAMELESS about his past and lacks remorse and respect! 

 

Nothing but red flags here girly!

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Honestly, I second Mstr Josh's advice. However, I'm also kind of cautious as to saying whether or not things could work out. I understand that opposites do attract, but, if you're as different in values and lifestyles as you two are, I really don't see this either lasting or ending well. Especially since he wouldn't see it as 'wrong' if he basically cheated on you. A good guy (notice I'm not saying a 'nice' guy) wouldn't do such things or talk about women like that, period. I think you've got some deep thinking ahead of you and, as hard as it may be, it would most likely be the best for you, if you made a break for it, while things are still decent enough on your end. Just my two cents... See ya on the flipside, Altan

It's off-topic sorry but I've always wondered what "see you on the flipside" means. What does it mean? (We don't use that phrase in England).

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Yeeeah, this cat's not changing anytime soon, sweetheart. I'd cut your losses and beat feet.

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It's off-topic sorry but I've always wondered what "see you on the flipside" means. What does it mean? (We don't use that phrase in England).

Yep 2nd that

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