kissanddonttell

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13 posts in this topic

Honestly, I've found the kinds of people in college you would/will ridicule you for your decision and resolve are typically the ones who get weeded out of college early on, due to their general immaturity and bad character/lack of discipline, which one can see manifested in their attitude towards sex and anyone with any level of self-restraint. Self-restraint is an integral ingredient in success now and in later life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or convince you that you're wasting your life by deciding to wait. And trust me, the true 'college-material' folks at college will respect you and your decision. Choose your friends wisely in that case. The ones who are focused on their studies and not on partying/taking advantage of the freedom that college offers (at least in a foolish way) are the ones to hang around, since they'll encourage you to pursue your dreams and will most likely respect your decision. And yes, there are guys out there who are either waiting (like myself) or else are/would be willing to wait. Also, even as a guy, I've been where you're at and do at times slip back to such a state of mind, so you're not alone. Anywho...

See ya on the flipside,

Altan

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I don't know if people will really ridicule you for waiting until marriage. How often would it really come up in conversation? I'm in my third year of college and it has never come up. Admittedly, I'm a commuter student and don't have any close friends on campus, so maybe my situation is a bit unique. Still, you don't have to tell people you're waiting if you don't want to, so others wouldn't even have the opportunity to ridicule you.

In regards to finding a guy who is willing to wait, I don't know how difficult that will be. Perhaps I'm too optimistic, but I feel like nice guys would be willing to wait, even if they aren't waiting until marriage themselves. You're not the only one who worries, though. I sometimes worry that it will be hard to find a wife.

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I'm sure most on this site have had the same worries you're having at some time or another. Like wny said, you won't really have to broadcast that you're waiting to everyone. I'm in my third year of college and only just a couple weeks ago told a friend, and only because she started the conversation (she's dating my friend and is not my type..of course. lol) Granted, I'm hardly a typical college student and have never partied or anything. If you're into that scene then you may encounter more resistance, but I still wouldn't think everyone would have to know. Just stay strong in your decision and reevaluate it regularly, to remind yourself why you're waiting.

 

As to your worry of not finding a guy who will wait, there are several guys on this site who are waiting because of their girlfriends, for examples (like Mirage down there ( :P )). I think if a guy is worth dating he'll choose to wait with you, if he's not already a waiter. And there's nothing wrong with being friends first. Some might argue it's the best way to start. Can't offer much more encouragement than that as I have similar worries in regard to finding a girl to date.

Edited by matthew
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As to your worry of not finding a guy who will wait, there are several guys on this site who are waiting because of their girlfriends, for examples. I think if a guy is worth dating he'll choose to wait with you, if he's not already a waiter. And there's nothing wrong with being friends first. Some might argue it's the best way to start. Can't offer much more encouragement than that as I have similar worries in regard to finding a girl to date.

 

You could at least have singled me out XP

 

But yeah, it's all about personal choice. If you want to wait then wait, and if you feel at some time that waiting is not for you. Then take a step back, ask yourself why you're thinking like this and if it's really true. Then you can make a decision, just don't make a decision in the heat of the moment or else you'll most likely come to regret it later.

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Hi! Welcome to our community!

 

I understand your discouragement; I often struggle with loneliness too. I have no doubts about my decision to not have sex outside of marriage, but I regularly feel discouraged about whether there is actually someone out there that I will one day marry. My feeling about this, however, is that, even if I were never to marry, I still would not want to have sex outside of marriage; I personally would not feel right about it, and I would not want to give my body to someone who was not willing to share his life with me.

 

If there is one thing to be learned by joining this community, it is that there are others out there who are also waiting, and quite a few of them are men. We have many great male members of the community; some are waiting to honor the girl they are dating, and others are single, and are waiting to honor their future wives. I also have met several men in real life who were waiting for marriage. I dated one of them for two years. Another just married one of my best friends, who was also waiting for marriage; they even saved their first kiss for their wedding day.

 

I will echo what some others have already told you about your concerns regarding college. Yes, college is a place with heightened sexual activity, especially if you live on campus, but your sexuality is entirely your own business. You have the right to not share about your virginity. If directly asked about your sex life, there are several options you can consider trying. There is, of course, the blunt, "I prefer to keep that information private." You can throw the question back at them with a, "Why do you ask?" You could give a playful smile and wink and say, "I don't kiss and tell!" You could cite your concerns about sexually transmitted diseases and infections, or pregnancy risks. Or, if you do feel like sharing, you could list your reasons for waiting. But really, the person who is inquiring has NO right to know about your sexuality, so feel free to change the subject, decline to respond, or just plain walk away. Remember, you will only know these people for a few years; don't let them pressure you into choice that is not right to you. I will note that I met a few wonderful people in college who were also waiting until marriage, but the conversation only came up after knowing each other for awhile. Otherwise, I never found myself in conversations where people were asking about my sex life during college.

 

Waiting until marriage is not easy, but it is possible. And you are not alone.

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Being a waiter definitely helped me weed a lot of people out. I've had no friends to very few throughout my life but the ones who I do consider friends respect me and that decision- some even wished they waited themselves or at least value losing virginity as being a big deal. So I don't hang around people that ridicule me and put me down.

So, I have always found the smartest way to date and find true love is to be good friends first. I took my own advice and the gorgeous guy in the picture with me <--- has been with me for over five months now officially and we've been talking for almost a year now!

People throw rocks at things that shine unfortunately. </3

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Laugh at ridicule. I am the only person in my circle of friends who has both wants to wait until marriage, and sees the value of it. And believe me, I have taken A LOT of shit for this choice. Now you may say how are they your friends then? They are, our friendships transcend the abuse we give to each other. Determination notwithstanding, it doesn't get easier with age. If anything it becomes harder because you see the person you are leaving behind and the adult you are becoming. Although we have many true believers here, the world looks at virginity differently. You have to remain true to the choice you made not because you said you would and you have to, but because you know you made the right choice. You believe it in your heart, you "sold" the idea to yourself. 

This article was posted yesterday and is really quite interesting. It's both informative and a "High Five" to our WTM Community. Have a read,

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/01/study-how-we-lose-our-virginity-shapes-our-entire-sexual-life/272596/
 

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I promise I'm not pulling rank, but if you think your desires are strong now, take ten more years and mix it with testosterone. :)

 

What's the likelihood? Quite low, I'll just be honest with you. At my age, more than 99% of my peers have given in, even the good church girls. Being a very open person, people are open with me in return, enough for me to know this is true. In their weakness, most of the women I know who know what's right and wrong, who've gone to church, who are genuine Christians, eventually just surrender their precious, sacred gift to another man. It's heartbreaking, especially when they are women I would have wanted to pursue.

 

It can be a very discouraging road. As _RJ once told me, the sprint has turned into a marathon. You have to buckle down, set your jaw, clinch your teeth and settle in for the long haul. Nothing less than grim, raw, unbreakable will (through the strength of God) can help you do the right thing.

 

People like you who are resolved to do the right thing are what makes it worthwhile to keep going. If you're a Christian, the Bible says to do otherwise actually is to wrong our fellow believers, wounding the testimony and hurting/shaming others and the faith.

 

To be different is to be amazing...and lonely.

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I promise I'm not pulling rank, but if you think your desires are strong now, take ten more years and mix it with testosterone. :)

 

What's the likelihood? Quite low, I'll just be honest with you. At my age, more than 99% of my peers have given in, even the good church girls. Being a very open person, people are open with me in return, enough for me to know this is true. In their weakness, most of the women I know who know what's right and wrong, who've gone to church, who are genuine Christians, eventually just surrender their precious, sacred gift to another man. It's heartbreaking, especially when they are women I would have wanted to pursue.

 

It can be a very discouraging road. As _RJ once told me, the sprint has turned into a marathon. You have to buckle down, set your jaw, clinch your teeth and settle in for the long haul. Nothing less than grim, raw, unbreakable will (through the strength of God) can help you do the right thing.

 

People like you who are resolved to do the right thing are what makes it worthwhile to keep going. If you're a Christian, the Bible says to do otherwise actually is to wrong our fellow believers, wounding the testimony and hurting/shaming others and the faith.

 

To be different is to be amazing...and lonely.

 

It is indeed a long and difficult road. I am of similar age and I've long since accepted that if I marrying at all, it would almost certainly be to a non-virgin. Like you said, at our age almost all our peers have given in at some point. To me, it's just not realistic to expect a someone to have held out this long with their virginity intact given the odds, unless divine intervention is involved. Not just that, but the number of unmarried and available women seem to be a rarity as we inch closer to the 30 year mark.

 

It's an internal struggle for me sometimes. I don't require virginity out of a woman and though I accept that the chances of me being with one narrows as I get older, it still hurts knowing that she gave something so sacred and intimate to some other man that she could never give me. In fact, some days I let my pride get the better of me and my sense of entitlement kicks in. Sometimes it just feels unfair that I save myself for my future wife close to 30 years or more, which is already unheard of especially for a man, and not get the same gift in return. I just hope that knowing that I have her heart completely will help ease the jealousy I would have. While I would greatly desire my future wife's virginity, I infinitely desire her love and commitment even more.

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Yep, like I told LK (and I'm 25, now) the sprint has turned into a marathon.  The days get longer, the struggles get deeper, and you find yourself wondering if you are (and are often confirmed to be--if ever it should come up in conversation) the last of a dying breed.  I wish you peace, though.  Remember your morals and do not let yourself become too weary.  We are here for you, and we understand.

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