Mstr Josh

Living with your committed relationship partner before your married?

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Would you live with your serious relationship partner before your actually married or thinking about marriage with them?

I personally would want to live with them before we get married because you don't truly know the person until you live together. Being able to live together in peace would be the true test to see if your truly compatable. Loving someone wouldn't change the fact they snore like a bear and are a slob. (Not that something like that would be a deal breaker)

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http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html?_r=0

 

The National Center of Health Statistics concluded that contrary to popular wisdom, couples who cohabitate are less likely to stay married and report lower marital satisfaction than those who didn't. Most couples who choose to cohabitate don't do so because they want to test their relationship, but to simply spend more time together. Besides, you do not need to live with someone to know what kind of life they live. You can tell a lot from someone by the way they upkeep their rooms. Also, if someone is OCD about cleaning, that usually manifests itself in other areas of their lives too.

 

As waiters, it's easy to say it's wrong to live together before marriage because of the temptations involved, but that would be oversimplifying it a bit. For some couples who are waiting, there is massive temptation for them just simply being alone in the same room. Living together just makes that multiplies that temptation tenfold. Living together before marriage isn't wrong in and of itself, it's just simply not wise to do so if you plan on waiting. In addition, I think living together is one of those things that should be reserved for marriage for the sake of making the transition feel more fresh and new.

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Nope not for me. Short and sweet version :you love em, you love em. Don't need to see if you gonna be compatible or not if you love em and know em well enoug(both ways) Love em and put up with it/ for the rest of my life. He's stuck with me and I'm stuck with with him. :D

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In my opinion, living together before marriage is not necessary or beneficial. And from the statistics I have read, there isn't much evidence of it having positive results.

 

Logically, it seems like testing out living with someone would be a good idea, but there are a lot of problems that could arise.

 

Not even considering the sexual tension assuming you were sleeping in the same bedroom. But think of the increased intimacy of living with someone. You'd pretty much be "playing" husband and wife, but without the sex. I think that would cause a very weird separation between the two and give you a slightly askew notion of what marriage would be like, when I think actually being married will be a lot different.

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Ditto what everyone else said. Definitely not. Too much pressure to cave and have sex for one thing. Plus research suggests that it is typically more detrimental to the relationship than helpful (like others said). That's my short version.

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Hey I just studied this! As Vince pointed out, research generally shows that cohabitation before marriage increases your odds of divorce. Plus your odds of ever getting married go down every year you live together (though your odds of breaking up stay the same).

 

The exception is if you go into the situation with clear intent to get married (e.g., engagement), then you mitigate a lot of the risks.

 

It's the directionless, "Oh let's just try it out. It'll be a good test run." mentality that leads to the higher divorce rates.

 

If you have a defined endgame, like "We're going to get married. This living together early thing is just a quick step on the way to that." then the risks aren't nearly as high (but they're still slightly higher than if you just didn't cohab before marriage, IIRC).

 

Back to the waiting factor: I think by the time we were talking cohabitation, we'd be staying over at eachother's places so much that the temptation ship would have sailed long ago. Plus I'm pretty set in my waiting ways (8 relationships worth of walking up to the line and not crossing it), so I don't worry much about temptation in general.  ^_^

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 You'd pretty much be "playing" husband and wife, but without the sex. I think that would cause a very weird separation between the two and give you a slightly askew notion of what marriage would be like, when I think actually being married will be a lot different.

 

I feel the exact same way. It's like how would you just "all of the sudden" change your life and relationship dyamic from single to married?? I can't imagine it works very well...

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Nope.

That's one thing in your lives together that will change once you're married. It'll all be apart of the new experience :)

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No I am in a long distance thing so I have to stay at her house and vice versa so I don't know what that's considered.

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No I am in a long distance thing so I have to stay at her house and vice versa so I don't know what that's considered.

Yeah but that's different I think. Sally and I are in a similar boat and spend the night with each other pretty much whenever we see each other...but obviously we're not gonna drive 2 or 3 hours just to go out to dinner or a movie so we stay for a couple days/nights at a time which works well for us.

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Anyone know why co-habiting before marriage makes divorce more likely? I'm with the people who say that waiting to move in until marriage will make it more part of the marriage experience, but I can't figure out why doing it beforehand would make divorce more likely.

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No I am in a long distance thing so I have to stay at her house and vice versa so I don't know what that's considered.

 

I think that's different. For instance, going on a vacation together I would be okay with. Staying over for a limited amount of time at each others houses, also okay. I think the problem comes in when you move all your stuff into one new space that is supposed to be yours together.

 

I think that change should be for marriage, along with all the shopping of his and hers bath towels that go along with it. :)

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Nope. The name for that is "shacking" and I would never do it.

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I don't think living together before marriage is a good idea if you're WTM. It gives way too many opportunities to give in and have sex. Anyways, I think you'd get a good idea of what it's like to live with a person if you spend tons of time at their place (and vice versa,) and it's okay to spend some nights over. But I think that if you are going to WTM, may as well WTM to enjoy completely living together.

My parents lived together for 12 years before getting married, and their marriage did NOT last. So that's proof that living together before marriage will not help the relationship. In fact, my dad basically confessed that it made it worse.

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I agree with everyone else. And I don't see any appeal in having every aspect of marriage besides sex. I feel it would put too much emphasis on sex and make the risk of getting married for sex even higher than it already is with waiting.

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No, it would significantly increase temptation (the chance that you "slip up" and end up not waiting until marriage).

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Is anyone ever 100% convinced marriage will work, or enter without any fears? How much certainty do you need?

 

Commitment is commitment, and unless you're both stranded on a desert island with no hope of escape, doesn't that ultimately happen before God and the church?

 

If I leave myself a lifeline, or a back door escape route to my marriage, then I'm not putting everything I have into it. Spoiler if you haven't seen Dark Knight Rises, but Batman didn't get out of the pit until he left his lifeline behind.

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No I am in a long distance thing so I have to stay at her house and vice versa so I don't know what that's considered.

 

 

Yeah but that's different I think. Sally and I are in a similar boat and spend the night with each other pretty much whenever we see each other...but obviously we're not gonna drive 2 or 3 hours just to go out to dinner or a movie so we stay for a couple days/nights at a time which works well for us.

 

Definitely agree with both of you that if you're long distance it's different. I'm yet another person who's in that boat. It's not like one of us is going to fly or drive there and then go right back.

 

I don't think I would ever live with a boyfriend or even a fiancee because I think there would be too much temptation. While I do agree that you don't truly know a person until you live with them, I think you should know a future spouse well enough to predict certain things. For example, I know my boyfriend likes to keep his apartment neater than mine is but he knows I'm kind of a control freak with doing my laundry. I know it's weird!!

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Definitely agree with both of you that if you're long distance it's different. I'm yet another person who's in that boat. It's not like one of us is going to fly or drive there and then go right back.

 

I don't think I would ever live with a boyfriend or even a fiancee because I think there would be too much temptation. While I do agree that you don't truly know a person until you live with them, I think you should know a future spouse well enough to predict certain things. For example, I know my boyfriend likes to keep his apartment neater than mine is but he knows I'm kind of a control freak with doing my laundry. I know it's weird!!

 

I'm long distance too! I'm here in the states and he's in Canada, so it isn't like we can just go home at the end of the night and see one another the next day.

 

I'm fine with living together engaged and prefer that, but if extreme circumstances wouldn't let it be that way, then if that is what it took to be with him then I'd do it,  

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My wife & I moved in together 2 weeks before we got married...  we didn't really think of it as "living together" as much as just the moving-in-together part - and really it was only a week since the last week she went to her parents' (hours away) where we were going to be married.

 

and you all already know that we respected our choice of waiting so it wasn't like we fell over the line in the last 100 meter dash... :-)  

 

but i have to say we had lived in separate towns - as many of you have noted for yourselves - for the year or so before we got married so yes we were admittedly used to being in the same bed but not crossing the line.

 

Intent to marry?   Absolutely.  Commitment to love each other forever as husband and wife even though we hadn't said the I Do in church yet?  Absolutely.  

 

On the other hand... the ones of you who are out of college and in your later 20s etc I'm sure you know plenty of couples of who move in, almost on a lark, like it's the next stage of dating, and then it sort of falls apart.  Like marriages, we can probably all point to people who moved in togehterh and it worked;  and people who moved in together and it didn't...  and as with everything I think it fully succeeds or fails based on the foundations that couple brings to it...   moral values and choices, or commitments to waiting, or anything like that of course can give you bedrock to stand on no matter how often you see each other or whehter you are cohabitating...

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o.0 Why does everyone here seem to think it's bad to live together before marriage? M and I are most likely going to rent an apartment together way before we are married. It would be financially better since we'd be splitting the rent compared to him paying all the rent while I live at home. We are most definitely getting married in the next 4 years minimum (which is likely a year or two after we move in) to 7 years maximum. And living together could be as early as a year and a half from now. 

 

Like Ian said, it all depends on the foundations the couple has. I harbour no doubts nor second thoughts on how this relationship M and I have. And I know he doesn't either. Call us young and madly in love, but we've had endless conversations about these kind of topics. Our telepathy is frightening some times. Sure there will be temptations, but what is life without them? I'm a strong willed woman, I'm prepared for almost anything life throws at me and us. (That and my mother wouldn't stand for it if we shared a bedroom...).

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I think it really depends on the couple, I like the idea but at the same time it would always be lovely to be married before. But if it comes down to finances or moving out of state/province (as in together, with the intent of marrying soon) I would think that it would be smartest. You can always have two different rooms, etc. There are many options that one could explore. 

I recently went on a month long backpacking trip through Europe with some friends I have known for 13+ years of my life, and while I know it's not the same as a romantic relationship, being with these 3 people 24/7 and have to cohabitate with them in a way showed me that you can get annoyed with someone's habits and things they do. Even if you love the person I think that a trial in a way, like a long trip or something where you can test your ability to work and live together in a way is a good idea, if the idea of moving in somewhere doesn't appeal to the both of you. 

That's just my two cents! Interesting to see what everyone else said. :)

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I don't know if I could fight the temptation or not but I wouldn't want to test it and I wouldn't want people assuming that we are doing anything. I know I shouldn't care but I do, especially when its my own family.

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