Sophie

Advice Needed: Do you think WTM is the right choice for me?

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You'll have to forgive how long this is. I'm trying to figure out of WTM is a fit for me. And I want to make it very clear that I am an Atheist, so no religious advice, please and thank you! :)

What made me such a romantic was because of all the romantic anime and manga that I watched, and all the romantic couples in teen fiction. They fall in love when they are teenagers, and sometimes both of them are virgins (Peeta and Katniss, Ranma and Akane, Edward and Bella,) and sometimes the guy isn't a virgin but the girl is (Jace and Clary, Dimitri and Rose, Damen and Ever,) and occasionally the guy is a virgin and the girl isn't (Christian and Lissa.) Either way, when these couples fall in love and give their virginities to each other, or the girl gets to give her virginity to the love of her life, they will so obviously spend the rest of their lives together. Like Ron and Hermione. I kept on thinking to myself: "I want that!!!" I want to fall madly in love and give him my virginity, and spend the rest of our lives together. I had this really romantic notion of that, and it never even occurred to me that we would break up before marrying.

But as I grew older, I realized that what some lucky people do end up marrying the person they gave their virginity to, they were very lucky and it's not a common thing. This upset me because I didn't want to sleep with more than one person. I guess I had this fantasy idea that my first real love would be The One. When I realized that I would probably date a few guys, possibly dozens of guys, before finding The One, that made me sad because I didn't want to sleep with lots of guys. I began to think about WTM, as it is clearly the best was to make sure that you only ever sleep with one person, and that he loves you very much and you love him very much. WTM seems to be the only sure-fire way to do this.

But then I began to think: "Let's say I chose not to WTM, fell deeply in love with a man, gave my virginity to him, and we eventually broke up. Would I really regret it if I truly loved him and he truly loved me?" and stuff like, "Well I've always believed that sex with love is totally fine, even outside of marriage, so if I only ever had sex with guys I know I loved with all my heart and with guys I know who loved me with all my heart, would I truly have regrets over it?" Because I think that love+sex is wonderful, and sex should only ever happen +love, and I don't care if it is outside of marriage.

I had this fantasy of only ever being with my first love, because my first love will be my only love because he is The One for me and I am The One for him (like Edward/Bella, Daniel/Luce, Ranma/Akane...) except now I know how unrealistic that is, and that even if I WTM, I will probably fall in love more than once before finding The One (if I find The One.) And its that "if" that's bothering me, which is a big deal because as an atheist, I don't view pre-marital sex as a sin, or even wrong. That makes WTM much harder because the only thing drawing me to WTM is the idea of sharing your body with only one person...but I am beginning to think that maybe I could handle sleeping with one to a few men (all in very loving, committed relationships,) before finding The One. I mean, can you truly regret sleeping with someone whom you loved and who loved you, even if you break up?

I realize I have probably written too much, and some of it may just be rambling that is hard to understand. But I think I got my point across. Any advice would be much appreciated! Thank you! :) :) :)

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First of all, am I lame for not getting most of your references? Anyways, I do believe that if you only ever want to have sex with one person then marriage is the safest way to make sure that happens. I think that without the psychogical commitment of marriage there is a bigger threat for someone to call it quits on a relationship. In this day and age where divorce is so common, I admit that this may not as true as it once was.

Secondly, I have to ask why you are committed to wanting only one person. You phrased your question as one of whether or not you would be able to "handle" sleeping with only one person. Does this mean that your sole reason is wanting to avoid the emotional pain of breaking up with someone? There is nothing special in and of itself about having only one person and it's really just about avoiding the pain?

From my perspective, that is not what waiting is about. I truly believe that sex is most special when it is between two virgins. I believe that ice you have created that bond with someone it is impossible for it to be as special with someone else. It can still be special, but not as special. I, personally, want that special connection and that is why I want to be a virgin and why I want my wife to also be one. For me, it's not about avoiding the hurt of breaking up with someone (though that is probably another benefit). But, this special connection I have described may not be something you want like I want. That's for you to decide, not me. I do think marriages can be happy and successful without that connection, but I strongly desire it.

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I tykes it out wrong, but I realize you wanted to know whether you could "handle" sleeping with MORE than one person, not only one person.

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But as I grew older, I realized that what some lucky people do end up marrying the person they gave their virginity to, they were very lucky and it's not a common thing. This upset me because I didn't want to sleep with more than one person. I guess I had this fantasy idea that my first real love would be The One. When I realized that I would probably date a few guys, possibly dozens of guys, before finding The One, that made me sad because I didn't want to sleep with lots of guys. I began to think about WTM, as it is clearly the best was to make sure that you only ever sleep with one person, and that he loves you very much and you love him very much. WTM seems to be the only sure-fire way to do this. Very true :)!

But then I began to think: "Let's say I chose not to WTM, fell deeply in love with a man, gave my virginity to him, and we eventually broke up. Would I really regret it if I truly loved him and he truly loved me?" and stuff like, "Well I've always believed that sex with love is totally fine, even outside of marriage, so if I only ever had sex with guys I know I loved with all my heart and with guys I know who loved me with all my heart, would I truly have regrets over it?" Because I think that love+sex is wonderful, and sex should only ever happen +love, and I don't care if it is outside of marriage.

I think a lot of girls end up regretting it, he could truly love you and still break your heart-it happens all the time unfortunately. Relationships, especially those outside of marriage, go downhill all the time. People who once seemed so in love end up hating each other.

I had this fantasy of only ever being with my first love, because my first love will be my only love because he is The One for me and I am The One for him (like Edward/Bella, Daniel/Luce, Ranma/Akane...) except now I know how unrealistic that is, and that even if I WTM, I will probably fall in love more than once before finding The One (if I find The One.)

I think it depends on how important finding The One really is to you. Even though first loves are not always The One, it seems like when you finally do find that perfect person it is a very special and deep kind of love that is different from previous relationships.

And its that "if" that's bothering me, which is a big deal because as an atheist, I don't view pre-marital sex as a sin, or even wrong. That makes WTM much harder because the only thing drawing me to WTM is the idea of sharing your body with only one person...but I am beginning to think that maybe I could handle sleeping with one to a few men (all in very loving, committed relationships,) before finding The One. I mean, can you truly regret sleeping with someone whom you loved and who loved you, even if you break up?

I can only say that I would regret it and that is only part of the reason I am WTM. Maybe someone who has done that can let you know whether or not they truly regret it.

I realize I have probably written too much, and some of it may just be rambling that is hard to understand. But I think I got my point across. Any advice would be much appreciated! Thank you! :) :) :)

I truly hope you do make the decision to WTM-do it-join all of us who are WTM (peer pressure ;) :))!

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Hmm, honostly I think you need to change your POV. You said, "That makes WTM much harder because the only thing drawing me to WTM is the idea of sharing your body with only one person...but I am beginning to think that maybe I could handle sleeping with one to a few men (all in very loving, committed relationships,) before finding The One. I mean, can you truly regret sleeping with someone whom you loved and who loved you, even if you break up?"

When you WTM, it's not about you. In fact, it's the exact opposite. Sure many of us have a reason of someone might leave after we give them our everything, cuz it would hurt us. I think most of us in fact do NOT want that to ever happen. So yeah that's one reason honostly. But it's all about loving your future spouse enough to put him above you. Selfless love is the most attractive feature EVER. If your just thinking about yourself now, then your just gonna think about yourself in the heat of the moment when your body screams "Do it!".

You will show him by WTM that you care more about him and your future relationship with him than yourself and your wants/needs/desires in the temporary. It shows you care more about having the deepest, most profound relationship over fulfilling some crave for physical satisfaction. Anyone can get physical attention if they wanted, but not everyone can have that sense of trust you have when you Wait. Cuz you trusly feel like you were made just for each other. Quite frankly, when you WTM, you ARE made JUST for each other, and nobody else.

Also, you WILL "truly regret sleeping with someone whom you loved and who loved you, even if you break up?" I promise you this. Sure you may feel like you truely love this guy, but if/when you guys break-up, you will most likely love the next guy even more. And eventually you meet your future husband, and you can decide whether or not you meet him having EVERY part of you and your spirit, or if you are going to give him everything you have LEFT. You won't want that when the time comes for you to get married. Your gonna want to give him all the time you spent with other guys, your gonna want to give him your everything. And if you didn't waste time fooling around with other guys, you won't have so much regret cuz your husband will be the only one you will "be with".

Anyways, some thoughts for you. I hope you genuinely decide to WTM. I say genuinely cuz it's easy to say you'll Wait before your hormones start kicking in. But when they do, sometimes you really do need to actively remind yourself of why you're Waiting, and who you're Waiting for. But hey, the things that are most worth it require the most work. Trust me in all this, i'm not too much younger than you. I live in the same century as you who's nearly the same age. So I grew up and am still growing with all the pressures and lies around us. But also with the maturity that quite a few don't have these days. Anyways, wish you the best!!

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It's possible that some of us might have to go through numerous men/women before we find the one (the real husband/wife material lol) and that's totally normal.

Not all of us are going to hit the jackpot right from the get-go lol That would be ideal but it doesn't always happen. We have to be realistic.

I'm prepared to go through numerous men before finding the one I want to settle down with BUT the thing I'm going to do differently from other people is.... I'm NOT going to sleep with any of my boyfriends lol

I don't care if they whine, beg, threaten to leave me etc lol

They are welcome to leave and pursue other girls if they get sick and tired of waiting for me lol I'm not going to put a gun to their head and make them stay lol They're totally free to go at any time.

I'm just not going to compromise my values just to please them lol

You should date numerous men before determining who your life partner will be (this is a very important decision that you do not want to rush). Explore the options out there. There's so many men who could be perfect for you.

P.S.- Don't be in too much of a rush to find someone. I've never had a boyfriend yet either (I was such a commitment phobe during my teen years lol Plus I wasn't really the type to hang out wth boys ). Keep your mind and heart open for possibilties.

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Also I know this is off topic but how do you add people as friends (on this site)?? I wanna add some of you as my friends but I don't know how... :(

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I guess am going to be the only one blunt here, but if you havent figured out if you want to "wtm" what have you been doing all this time? If am correct you've been on this site for over a year right? Theres a bunch of articles on here they give plenty of reasoning. Heck even science backs up waiting til marriage. But you still havent decided

Personally I think you just like the idea of waiting til marriage but the minute you find someone you like and are in a serious relationship I think you'll jump ship.

Second

"Let's say I chose not to WTM, fell deeply in love with a man, gave my virginity to him, and we eventually broke up. Would I really regret it if I truly loved him and he truly loved me?"

Lets leave this question at people brake because their not seeing eye to eye most people brake up and that involves arguing and usually someone gets left with a broken heart. I have yet to see a break up where the two indivduals were like "thank u I will always treasure our memories, u mean so much to me, I wish you the best." Its usually along the lines of "That #$% I nvr want to see you again!!!" Now remember if you go down this path you'll have to live with the fact as well that you gave this guy your virginity so those will be extra heart break points.....

Only you can make this choice no one can do it for you.

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I'll just say this...waiting isn't physically difficult when you're not dating. Can it be frustrating? Sure but it's more that you're not in a relationship than not having sex, especially when you're a virgin. But when you're in a relationship it's a whole different animal...unless you're 120% committed to waiting and know beyond a reasonable doubt that you WILL wait...you're not going to. I'm not saying you personally Im referring to anyone on the fence. Trust me, if you're on the fence abt something prior to being in a relationship, be it waiting on sex, other "activities", or even kissing, being in that relationship will probably make you do those things. For instance I think only kissing one person for your whole life is a sweet, romantic notion and in a perfect world we'd all marry the first girl or guy we kiss. But the world ain't perfect and that's a pipe dream for most people. You have to be deadset, 120%, come hell or high water I am NOT kissing before marriage. If you're wishy washy, you're not going to resist. Just thinking that its a romantic notion isn't enough to refrain from kissing til marriage. Same for sex.

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I hope you stay with your choice of WTM. You're a smart, beautiful, amazing person and I think you deserve the best. It's true, not everyone gets to be with their first love, but that shouldn't stop you. You know why? Because that just means there's someone better for you (I believe things like that happen for a reason and always look on the bright side of things) you just have to be patient. I know I probably sound annoying right now, I don't mean to though. I just want you to know that WTM is worth it. Hopefully one day you'll find "the one" and then you'll see that all this waiting paid off. The way I think about it, waiting till marriage is not just about waiting for you know what, but it's giving your heart to someone loving their soul. Like Luce and Daniel defined the words "soul mate" because they waited for each other for nearly an eternity since beginning of time. They met in different parts of the world and still loved each other just as much, why? Because they love each other completely they look for the heart and soul in love. Even Edward and Bella, he wouldn't be with her that way until marriage because he loved her for who she is, not her body. (I'm not judging anyone who is doing that outside of marriage, just giving examples). Love and waiting till marriage to me, is waiting for your soul mate. I also want what Luce and Daniel have, their my favourite fictional couple. I believe it is possible to find love like that. Patience is important though. The more you wait for something the happier you'll be when you finally find it. I hope you WTM. I hope you make the right decision for you.

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For everyone who is debating the love argument: I love DD. And I know he loves me. But am I ready for sex with him? No. Am I about to give up on something I have been working toward for YEARS?? No. Do I want the first guy I sleep with to be my HUSBAND? Absolutely, without a doubt!!!!!!!! Do I want to sleep with DD? Of course! When you're in a relationship you may WANT to do things, but you know it's best for you AND your S/O if you wait. Will you regret sleeping with a guy before marriage if you're in a committed relationship and love each other? Maybe, maybe not. It really depends on the person.

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But then I began to think: "Let's say I chose not to WTM, fell deeply in love with a man, gave my virginity to him, and we eventually broke up. Would I really regret it if I truly loved him and he truly loved me?" and stuff like, "Well I've always believed that sex with love is totally fine, even outside of marriage, so if I only ever had sex with guys I know I loved with all my heart and with guys I know who loved me with all my heart, would I truly have regrets over it?" Because I think that love+sex is wonderful, and sex should only ever happen +love, and I don't care if it is outside of marriage.

TheWanderingChef is right. Breakups don't work that way--it's never "thank you, I will always treasure our memories, you mean so much to me, I wish you the best." I mean, if that were the case, why would you break up? Further, you claim you want only one man in your life. If you end up having sex with your first love outside of marriage and then break up, you can't have that. (And if you end up having sex with end and end up getting married anyway, you're extremely lucky, but it's a gamble I wouldn't take.) If you do end up breaking up with a man you slept with and who you think you love, there will be heartbreak--heartbreak at losing a man you thought would be your only (or at least your last) sexual partner, who you love, and to whom you gave so much (including your first time).

I had this fantasy of only ever being with my first love, because my first love will be my only love because he is The One for me and I am The One for him (like Edward/Bella, Daniel/Luce, Ranma/Akane...) except now I know how unrealistic that is, and that even if I WTM, I will probably fall in love more than once before finding The One (if I find The One.) And its that "if" that's bothering me, which is a big deal because as an atheist, I don't view pre-marital sex as a sin, or even wrong. That makes WTM much harder because the only thing drawing me to WTM is the idea of sharing your body with only one person...but I am beginning to think that maybe I could handle sleeping with one to a few men (all in very loving, committed relationships,) before finding The One. I mean, can you truly regret sleeping with someone whom you loved and who loved you, even if you break up?

If you don't marry, where's the commitment in "very loving, committed relationships"? There's nothing stopping either of you from having sex one day and breaking it all up the next. In fact, as much as I hate saying this from a Christian (sorry) perspective, he would be perfectly justified in doing just that. Further, if you do end up sleeping with multiple men, is the last one down the list (the man you end up marrying) really The One? I think you're confusing that sense of The One as opposed to "my one and only". The idea of The One (at least for me) is that there is no one else in your life--he's both your first, and your last, and your only one.

Not everyone ends up staying with their first love forever. That doesn't justify sleeping with them before breaking up. You're looking for a single (but permanent) relationship, right? From a WTM perspective, your first love--unless said first love is The One--is not a relationship that should go to sex. If you think it's something that might not last, the pain will be much bigger if you do have sex. After a celibate relationship breaks up, I've never seen anyone say "if only I had sex with them, I wouldn't feel so bad." It's always the reverse. Again, the more you give and end up breaking up anyway, the worse the pain will be.

(Note: I hate to say this, but I'm sharing TheWanderingChef's sense of cynicism.)

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Thank you all for your answers! I'm in a very fragile, emotional state right now because so much has happened in the past week: my Grannie's memorial service, one of my favourite married couples in my family is getting divorced, my best friend lost her virginity to a guy she only has "feelings" for (not loves,) and I learned a HORRIBLY SHOCKING truth as to why my parents got married. So I am doing a lot of second-guessing myself right now cuz things are pretty hectic at the moment. But I appreciate every single answer, and I think I'll return to my old self when my mom and I leave for our Bahamas cruise in a couple of days.

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Hi Sophie,

after reading your text some questions came to my mind (you don´t have to answer, though, if you don´t want to...just some stuff to think about): Would you like to get married, anyway (no matter if you WTM or not WTM in the end)?

Or do you ONLY want to get married because it is probably the best way to make sure that you will share your body with only one man? If you end up not to WTM, would you still like to get married?

What does marriage/being married mean to you or rather will mean to you (although nearly nobody on this site is married yet, some already have notions and ideas what marriage means to them and why they want to wait for it and their spouse)?

My decision to WTM isn´t rooted in religious reasoning either, to be honest.....maybe it will become more religious in time...I don´t know (I am not an atheist).

There was this great comment Mike has written in the "Questions"-area of this site some time ago. It really stuck in my head and expresses what I feel about WTM, too. Mike, if you´re reading this, I hope it´s ok, if I quote some of your comment here. I just can´t find better words to say it:

"I started out waiting on mutual love, too. Then after seeing how casually other people were throwing the word "love" around...I decided to just wait until marriage. After several long-term relationships, I kinda think that truly mutual love (the kind you have in mind when you decide to wait for it) occurs so rarely that when you find it, you´ll probably marry that person, so waiting on mutual love and waiting till marriage can often be the same journey."

When I observe the relationships around me I definitely have to agree that the word "love" really is just as bad thrown around as "hate". People say "I love you" without really knowing what that means or maybe without even meaning it in the first place. Yes, and even in long-term relationships. Someone I know, for example, had a relationship with her boyfriend for approximately 2 years and they were so "in love"... of course they had sex with eachother. In the end they broke up and the boyfriend begged her to at least having sex with her because it was so great. I guess, it was the only thing that was so great about their relationship. They ended up never talking to eachother and she really hated him for that. Well...just an example. Obviously it doesn´t have to end this way...but it does really often, it seems.

And this is where it gets interesting: Do you think it wouldn´t bother you at all, if your boyfriend would do something like that to you? Some people are able to just see it as an "other experience and without it they wouldn´t be the person they are today". At least they say so. I know that I would never be able to do that. Well, maybe I would, but I don´t want to do that. Things are as special as you make them and I only want the experience of having sex with my husband. Not with my boyfriend who can walk out of my life just the next day (of course there is always divorce as an option, but when someone truly wants to get married, divorce should be your last thought...or non-existent). I want my first real sexual relationship with my husband who has commited himself to me. And only me. Sex means bonding (also in a scientific way with all the hormones) and I don´t want to bond on that level with several men. It´s just how I feel about it.

But then I began to think: "Let's say I chose not to WTM, fell deeply in love with a man, gave my virginity to him, and we eventually broke up. Would I really regret it if I truly loved him and he truly loved me?" and stuff like, "Well I've always believed that sex with love is totally fine, even outside of marriage, so if I only ever had sex with guys I know I loved with all my heart and with guys I know who loved me with all my heart, would I truly have regrets over it?" Because I think that love+sex is wonderful, and sex should only ever happen +love, and I don't care if it is outside of marriage.

...but I am beginning to think that maybe I could handle sleeping with one to a few men (all in very loving, committed relationships,) before finding The One. I mean, can you truly regret sleeping with someone whom you loved and who loved you, even if you break up?

I don´t know if you will regret it. Maybe. Maybe not. I am pretty sure you will "survive" it (just like in this song of Pink ("Try") that is all over the radio nowadays (just came to my mind and it suits quite well): "Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame someone´s bound to get burned. But just because it burns, doesn´t mean you´re gonna die".

But the heartbreak will probably be greater because you gave your all to him. And was it really worth it in the end? Maybe someone who already had a long term relationship and was sexual active in it and afterwards decided to wait till marriage for whatever reason can give you more insight...

So it´s up to you, what "giving your all" actually means to you. If you want to give it to every other boyfriend you have or only to one man. I don´t know what it will do to your heart. Maybe you will be just fine. Maybe not.

NOTE: I don´t have anything against sex before marriage either, in general. As long as it is in commited relationships. But when it is a really commited relationship, why not make that commitment official and get married? I wouldn´t want a boyfriend for say 7,8,9,10 years.....if we are that long together, why not make it official?

Another thing: I always found it really astounding that people are so quick to get naked in the physical way, but aren´t "naked" in all other senses (emotionally, spiritually etc.) with eachother first. And this mutual love that Mike mentioned in the comment.....I am waiting for that. I am waiting for that person who doesn´t care how much paper he needs to sign and who isn´t afraid to make it official. I want him to be the first (and hopefully last person) I can have the most intimate encounter with that two people can possibly have with eachother on this earth and I hope he will appreciate that he will be the only one who will get that experience with me. After all I am waiting just for him. Is it naive thinking? I don´t think so, to be honest. I think, it is very idealistic, though. But possible.

I don´t know if that was helpful at all. Just some thoughts of mine...sorry if it was some sort of a rambling speech.

I don´t think it is bad to second-guess or questioning oneself sometimes. But one will always feel way better, when you actually made a decision. Hope things will get more calm and peaceful the next days for you! And have fun on your Bahamas cruise! Sounds amazing!

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I have no idea why the text is so small in my previous post. It wasn´t when I wrote it. I always have problems with the font and size. I can never change it. My computer always breaks down when I try to.....so i hope it´s not too small to read and hurting your eyes....

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Hmm, honostly I think you need to change your POV. You said, "That makes WTM much harder because the only thing drawing me to WTM is the idea of sharing your body with only one person...but I am beginning to think that maybe I could handle sleeping with one to a few men (all in very loving, committed relationships,) before finding The One. I mean, can you truly regret sleeping with someone whom you loved and who loved you, even if you break up?"

When you WTM, it's not about you. In fact, it's the exact opposite. Sure many of us have a reason of someone might leave after we give them our everything, cuz it would hurt us. I think most of us in fact do NOT want that to ever happen. So yeah that's one reason honostly. But it's all about loving your future spouse enough to put him above you. Selfless love is the most attractive feature EVER. If your just thinking about yourself now, then your just gonna think about yourself in the heat of the moment when your body screams "Do it!".

You will show him by WTM that you care more about him and your future relationship with him than yourself and your wants/needs/desires in the temporary. It shows you care more about having the deepest, most profound relationship over fulfilling some crave for physical satisfaction. Anyone can get physical attention if they wanted, but not everyone can have that sense of trust you have when you Wait. Cuz you trusly feel like you were made just for each other. Quite frankly, when you WTM, you ARE made JUST for each other, and nobody else.

Also, you WILL "truly regret sleeping with someone whom you loved and who loved you, even if you break up?" I promise you this. Sure you may feel like you truely love this guy, but if/when you guys break-up, you will most likely love the next guy even more. And eventually you meet your future husband, and you can decide whether or not you meet him having EVERY part of you and your spirit, or if you are going to give him everything you have LEFT. You won't want that when the time comes for you to get married. Your gonna want to give him all the time you spent with other guys, your gonna want to give him your everything. And if you didn't waste time fooling around with other guys, you won't have so much regret cuz your husband will be the only one you will "be with".

Anyways, some thoughts for you. I hope you genuinely decide to WTM. I say genuinely cuz it's easy to say you'll Wait before your hormones start kicking in. But when they do, sometimes you really do need to actively remind yourself of why you're Waiting, and who you're Waiting for. But hey, the things that are most worth it require the most work. Trust me in all this, i'm not too much younger than you. I live in the same century as you who's nearly the same age. So I grew up and am still growing with all the pressures and lies around us. But also with the maturity that quite a few don't have these days. Anyways, wish you the best!!

Kendra about says it. But I would add that, if you ever think you might give your virginity to someone whom you are not married to, remember this: You can always do it later, but if you do it now and later change your mind, you can never go back; it is done." And if it is true love, and he will marry you someday, (take it from a guy) he's not going to mind waiting for marriage. :) Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this, but in case you need some cheering up, here's a virtual "smile" to light up your day :D

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I think waiting till marriage is the right choice for everyone everywhere the feeling you would get from being with one person is way better than being with several, I have been intimate with one and now regret it, sure I may end up with that person, but still do regret it cause it caused a lot of problems. I would say be strong and wait, I'm sure you will meet a guy who is a romantic too.

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Sophie, sorry you are going through so much right now. You just need time to get through it and hopefully your cruise will be relaxing and fun!

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Sophie, sorry you are going through so much right now. You just need time to get through it and hopefully your cruise will be relaxing and fun!

Thank you. With all these things piling up (especially the thing about my parents) I haven't felt so bad, small, and helpless since I was 14. But I'm hoping to get better over the cruise, and if not, my university offers free psychologists. Cuz I hate feeling like this.

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That's good, definitely take advantage of their services if you need to.

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Thank you all for your answers! I'm in a very fragile, emotional state right now because so much has happened in the past week: my Grannie's memorial service, one of my favourite married couples in my family is getting divorced, my best friend lost her virginity to a guy she only has "feelings" for (not loves,) and I learned a HORRIBLY SHOCKING truth as to why my parents got married. So I am doing a lot of second-guessing myself right now cuz things are pretty hectic at the moment. But I appreciate every single answer, and I think I'll return to my old self when my mom and I leave for our Bahamas cruise in a couple of days.

Oh, Sophie! I am so sorry to hear about all of the stress you've been under. Even just one of those misfortunes can really throw you, and to have them all happen at once must make you feel like your whole world has been turned upside-down! My advice to you would be to not make any major life decisions right now; nothing needs to be decided today, especially when, as you said, you are feeling emotional. I know that when I am really upset, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, and it becomes hard to tell whether something would be a good idea or a bad one.

That being said, I really believe that waiting until marriage is the better choice, and the more romantic one. I really, really do. But whatever happens, I wish you the best!

Take care of yourself, Sophie, and take things one day at a time. You don't have to figure out everything today.

*HUG*

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I know what you mean. I'm an agnostic/atheist anime/manga fan as well, and it seems all of my favorite couples are virgins, have an amazing adventure together, get married, then have a happily ever after (which makes me very happy<3). I found that kind of love very inspiring because they got to know each other so well, through the ups and downs of life, and it made them truly see how important they were to each other. It gave me a general guide of what is important in a relationship. How difficult true love is to get, but how beautiful the results are when you find it. Excuse me while I quote Toradora:

 

"There exists (for you) in this world something no one has ever seen. It's gentle and so very sweet that it only takes one glimpse to make a person crave it. That's why this world has kept it hidden, making it difficult to obtain. But one day it will be found by the one person who is meant to find it, because that's how it works."

 

Let's not forget that reality is often times stranger than fiction! There are hundreds of successful WTM couples out there who understood the meaning behind what love really is- why it is so fragile and beautiful, and hard to find. The thing is, sex does not make a relationship more loving or special. Having sex in a committed, loving relationship is certainly better than no feelings whatsoever, however the man who you fall for and give yourself to should be the man who will commit to spending his entire life with you. Sure, relationships are great and can be very loving, but they for the most part are not permanent. I think it would be a regret to give yourself to someone who you thought you loved (or loved), but were incompatible with in the long run. It'd be like assuming the best and getting the worst result. Don't lose hope. I've been in that boat too, thinking I'd date The One and get married on the first shot, but it doesn't matter to me anymore if that happens. Just because you date more than one man doesn't mean you have to give yourself to each. I feel that marriage is a way for someone to say "You're the most special person in the world to me. I want to share everything I am with you and all the days I have left on this earth" while a relationship is "I love you in the moment, but the future is unclear for us so I won't commit to anything." And having sex during an engagement I feel is a bad choice too. Sure, the guy promised you he'd marry you, but it's only through words. It's easy to de-flower you and run (which has happened to a family friend of mine. I even heard a story like this from someone sitting next to me on a bus where the groom ran away with the bride's best friend a month into their engagement). We're never really safe from heartbreak, but at least marriage assures us the one we love is serious about us and is backed up by legal documents. And even if you do divorce, it would be better knowing you waited and stuck to your convictions, than to know you gave up trying to find The One Forever and stuck with The One For Now. It's better than giving it to a random person who won't appreciate it, but still, you'd be giving it to someone who took only a part of you away from the relationship instead of all of you, which is heartbreaking.

 

It's said that we always feel a chemical attatchment to the person we give ourselves to for years and years (many married men and women still feel the desire to be with their firsts) and I wouldn't want to be physically attatched to my first when I'm married to my true love. Hope this helped!

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I am going to offer a very verbatim point of view here. Please be aware this is an attack on anyone, merely a bulllshit free response.

 

Should you wait until marriage? I don't know should you? It's your life, your body, your heart, your soul, your whatever. If you are taking a poll perhaps you are polling the wrong group of people. You have your life and you have to live it according to how you feel about yourself. The fact that you are atheist helps my point of view because I am also waiting for non-religious reasons. I too believe in this whole crazy stupid idea of love and and true happiness. I want it, it's something I long for. But while I spend time thinking about if it will come I am at a loss. As you stated you don't view pre-marital sex as a sin, so waiting is a lot harder, I tip my hat to you.

The issue with sleeping with a few people is what constitutes a few? Not a few as in 1-4, but a few. What is #1-#3 were easily a 9 in terms of total love and relationship experience and you decide that if #3 doesn't work out you call it quits, but #4 is your One, but you have already decided not to engage in sex anymore? The goal of this analogy is that it is very easy to say you will limit the number of sexual partners you have, but in the end lose count. NOT SAYING that is you. I have a close friend and she had four “rebound†partners from a relationship not working.

 

You have to do what you feel is right for you; however, the evil brother to Choice is Consequence. With choosing to have a sexual partner prior to marriage means you may regret the decision for your entire life, or it may damage the bond you share with your future spouse.

 

I will offer some personal experience from my own life. My last girlfriend I had, we dated for nearly three years and I loved her. Adored her, wanted to do anything for her. And although we are no longer together is when I think back I think about while I respected her, had she offered sex, I would have done it. Not because I am a raging orc, but because my emotions and “love†for her clouded my judgement. Had that happened, life would have gone on, but I wouldn’t like myself. Furthermore, as Kendra mentioned waiting until marriage should be a selfless action. I want my own wtm to be selfless. I long to meet a woman that not only respects my decision but is moved by the fact that I respected her enough to wait. THAT expression is love. It is the personification of love. It’s how love was meant to be displayed. Sometimes the higher principle is one that forces us to question who we really are.

 

Will you stand tall or break? I don’t know, I’m not you. What I can tell you that questioning and second guessing yourself will compound the issue, and further distort your root goal. This is a life decision that will define you on two levels. The first is your commitment to something that is important to you, and the other is you will prove to yourself that you have the courage and drive to accomplish anything. This is also not some Hollywood bullshit of “happy feelings, and we can do anything, we are strong, blah-blah-blah.†This is real life, tomorrow is here and you have to choose who you are going to be.

 

Your move. Make it a good one.

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