Jenny

Would you date/marry a Widow?

24 posts in this topic

This thought just came to mind. This might be more addressed to those who have one of their dealbreakers being if the woman/man isn't a virgin. But I think there are aspects that apply to everyone.

This came across my thoughts because as I approach my late 20s I realize the amount of single, male waiters might be decreasing. And at least a widower has the potential to have the same values as I do, even though he would no longer be a virgin. And have given his heart to someone else in the past.

How do you feel about this? If you were widowed would you ever want to remarry? If you did, would you want to marry someone who was still waiting? Or would you look for another widowed person? Would it not matter anymore what the person's past was as long as their current values matched your own?

And for those who want to marry a virgin, would a widow be an exception if she was a waiter and had only been intimate with her now deceased husband? Would the same inner turmoils still be there in regards to her past? Or would they be different ones you face?

I believe there are religious references to this, I don't know them off hand, but if anyone who does wants to shed some light on that, I would be interested. Although I am interested in this from a purely secular approach as well.

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I'm in the same boat, Jenny. I'm in my late 20's and having to face the reality that the number of single virgin women dwindle rapidly as I get older. In addition, the number of divorced women my age with kids goes up. Not that I am completely closed off from the possibility of being with a divorcee with kids, but it greatly complicates things. Also virginity is not a dealbreaker for me, but I still prefer a virgin of course.

TBH, I am much more open to dating a widow than a divorced woman because with divorcees, you know something must have went bad between them and their ex to warrant a divorce. That would make me question how seriously she takes marriage. But with widows, at least there is a good chance she may have had a loving marriage with her late husband. As long as she has moved on from her grieving, then I would have no problem dating her. The non-virgin status would be kind of a bummer, but it wouldn't hurt as much if she WTM for her late husband than if she had premarital sex. The bottom line is that as long as she is committed to waiting with me, than all it will be fine.

If I was a widower, I most likely would want to remarry. I'm just the kind of person that would have that emotional need of companionship, you know? Not in a desperate way, but because I want to share my life with someone.

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Honestly, dating/marrying a widower is not something I would be comfortable with. I feel like I would forever have to compete with a dead woman. I don't care if my husband is a virgin or not. He's probably be in love at least once before he met me, but he's over them. They are no longer in his heart. Just fond (and not so fond) memories. But with a widower, the love they feel for their ex-spouse hasn't gone. Even if they fall in love with someone else, they still greatly love their ex-spouse but have tucked that love away. I couldn't deal with that. So no, I would stay clear of widowers.

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No, I would not. For one, I only want to marry a virgin and this would not change that. Also, the issues Sophie brought up apply, as well. If my wife had died and I felt like I wanted to re-marry then and only then would I marry a widow.

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Even though I prefer to marry a virgin above all else, I would consider marrying a widower if it has been a few years since his wife died and if he is not grieving anymore. Then again, I think it would still be complicated because you never forget or really move on from someone you loved who has died. So, I'm not completely closed to the possibility but I don't think I'd be too thrilled about it either.

If I was a widow I don't know if I would remarry. In my experience, it isn't true that time eases the pain away (from the death of a loved one). What happens is that with time you begin to accept he/she is no longer here, but it still hurts. Maybe if many years have gone by I would consider remarrying.

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I'm not sure. Obviously, a widow can still be "pure", can still have abstained from all sex outside of marriage, and can be a "waiter". At the same time, I don't want to be anyone's second husband--I prefer dealing with someone who's also in first marriage territory. Obviously, if I myself were a widower, I might consider marrying a widow (if I were up for a second marriage--I'm not sure if I would marry again after that).

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I'm open to the idea, but it would not be my first choice. Same with divorce. I do not want to be somebody's second wife, but if were the right person I would consider it. Every situation is different so I would try to understand what happened and what's going on with that person before I considered marrying them. The fact that they had sex before doesn't bother me. I don't mind marrying a non virgin.

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The Bible says it's is permissible to marry multiple times, if of course, because the former spouse died. The marriage vow is to death, so if I found a woman my age (ish) who was a widow (with or without kids), I would have no reservations beyond "How do the kids feel about 'another' Daddy". Really, in my personal opinion, any single woman who shares my values is not off limits to marriage. There is only one exception, and that is divorce. In the Bible, Jesus permits divorce only if the spouse has committed adultery. So if I met a young woman who got divorced because her husband was unfaithful to her, than according to the Bible, it is okay for me to marry her. However, if I met a young woman who was divorced for any other reason, that would warrant a little more discussion, even though such a marriage would be allowed in my church. Obviously, this is a touchy subject as different religions will have different views on this. These are mine from a Lutheran standpoint. I think it depends a lot on the specific situation. For me, I don't have any specifications about my future wife being a virgin when I meet her or not (though I would like her to be), but there are too many factors involved to make that decision. Obviously, if a certain woman was promiscuous in her early life, and later changed, I would readily forgive her and consider her for marriage. That might sound like it contradicts what I just said, but it doesn't, as my religion believes in fervent forgiveness.

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@April: Taking that kind of attitude WILL start arguments with people. Kind of like how you took a condescending attitude in a past thread, which led to a series of back and forth attacks. Saying "I don't want to start an argument" and then launching into a round of condescending remarks, painting the other person as judgemental, etc. kind of defeats the purpose of saying "I don't want to start an argument", eh? Besides, Vince HAS a point. It's kind of like meeting a new person and finding out he/she had twenty or more failed relationships (since one marriage could amount to twenty non-marital relationships, in the sense of its weightyness and significance). I would think it would raise at least one red flag, even more so in the case of a failed marriage or two. Vince wasn't saying he wouldn't give the woman a chance to show her true colors. He was just saying that he'd be a bit apprehensive is all. Besides, I know enough divorcee's and let me tell you, divorce DOES leave a person with a whole ton of baggage and can turn a previously marriagable person into the complete opposite (what with the bitterness and cynical attitude it often gives to people who used to believe in things like 'true love', as it is typically the result of a series of intensely negative and terrible experiences, leading to a sense of brokeness and in a lot of cases depression). Hopefully this corrects a few things...

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As for my personal view, I might consider it, though I'm mostly set on ending up with a fellow wtm and virgin at that. As long as she has lived a chaste life (nothing outside of marriage) and has made her peace with things and I don't have to constantly prove that I'm 'not like her ex-husband' assuming she's a divorcee', it wouldn't be as much of an issue. However, a widow would be far and above preferable, either compared to a divorcee' or some 'I'm waiting now but committed fornication in the past' type. However, as far as divorcee's are concerned (and yes, I've been condescended to, as a wtm guy, by at least one divorcee' who told me I needed to 'explore' more, if you catch my drift) I've typically seen this to NOT be the case (i.e. they make no peace...and typically end up sleeping around, etc.), so I'd find it hard to even trust a divorcee' enough to date her (on top of the fact that, so often these days, it's mentally/emotionally unstable types women initiating divorce proceedings). Which isn't to make out that the guys involved are innocent (far from it), but I'd just be apprehensive as to seeing relationship potential in such a person, seeing as marriage didn't work for them in the past (I guess I'd wonder at their intentions). Like pretty much everyone in the World, I'd love to never have/feel the need to judge anyone, but Life being Life, it's kind of a necessity. Hope I haven't come of as a total jerk, but if I have, so be it. Gotta look out for yourself and your heart when it comes to these matters...

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@April/Altan..... I think we all can agree that the answer to the question posted at the top of this discussion is situation specific, as everyone who was divorced, widowed, or previously promiscuous is going to have, when you dig down, unique reasons for their ultimate actions and decisions. The subject is very broad in that sense, and we would have to examine a specific "couple" to make any true judgments in any direction. Just a thought...

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TBH, I am much more open to dating a widow than a divorced woman because with divorcees, you know something must have went bad between them and their ex to warrant a divorce. That would make me question how seriously she takes marriage. But with widows, at least there is a good chance she may have had a loving marriage with her late husband.

Vince, I get what you're saying but I'm just wondering would you rule out a divorcee point blank. I mean yes obviously the previous marriage went wrong but that might not have been the woman's fault. She could have been a good loyal faithful wife but her husband cheated on her and she ended the marriage. I think a woman in that situation doesnt deserve to be tarred with the same brush as someone who played a key role in causing the marital break-down for whatever reason. Surely someone in that position deserves a second chance at love after being burned like that.

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@MarriageMaterial...... Nicely said.

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Divorcees are almost certainly not a group I'd be willing to date. Yes, some people have legitimate divorces for legitimate reasons. But with the rampant rate in our society, it points to the lack of commitment, AND the lack of judgment. A lot of women (and men) go nuts and rant about how crazy their significant other is. Really, they changed like that just overnight? You either knew who this person was when you married them, OR you didn't take enough time to get to know them. Either way, you don't take marriage seriously and on that we part ways.

Again, I don't doubt there are legitimate divorces for legitimate reasons, but the vast majority aren't.

I'm probably one of the biggest "nonvirgin=dealbreaker" people here, but I wouldn't have a problem with a widow. Or at least, I don't foresee the challenges arising stemming from that at all. How could I blame a woman for waiting until marriage and then losing her husband? That's not her fault, as opposed to sleeping with someone outside of marriage and giving away that gift. So in that instance, the virginity issue would be a nonstarter.

I think there's a good chance she would simply be in a different place in life that would make it difficult for us to meet in ways intimate enough to foster romance.

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I am very offended by what you said about people who are divorced (and you call the divorcees really?) I'm 19 and haven't been married yet, but what you said really offended me. How can you say such a thing? Judge someone you know nothing about, saying it was probably their fault that something went wrong in the marriage? How can you know that? What if she didn't want it to end? What if he was an abusive terrible human being who threatened to kill her on a daily basis, yet she remained loyal and not once told anyone? What if she believed in their love till the day he himself left? Never judge anyone, assumptions are unfair especially ones this horrible.

Vince, I get what you're saying but I'm just wondering would you rule out a divorcee point blank. I mean yes obviously the previous marriage went wrong but that might not have been the woman's fault. She could have been a good loyal faithful wife but her husband cheated on her and she ended the marriage. I think a woman in that situation doesnt deserve to be tarred with the same brush as someone who played a key role in causing the marital break-down for whatever reason. Surely someone in that position deserves a second chance at love after being burned like that.

Alright, normally I would be surprised that my level of compassion and character is being questioned, but rereading my post I have to admit I framed my answer in a way that is easily misunderstood. For that I apologize.

First off, I already said I am not closed off from the idea of dating a divorced woman which implies I would consider it on a case by case basis. I think it goes without saying that if she was abused or cheated on, then it would not be her fault and I would definitely be with them. When I said I was "less likely" to date a divorced woman in comparison to a widow, I was basing my answer on the high divorce rate in today's world. People divorce for many reasons, many of which I believe to be a result of both people unable or unwilling to work things out. I think we can all agree that people just don't take marriage seriously anymore. It may also mean she has a habit of making poor relationships choices. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say I don't want to be with someone who sees divorce as an easy way out. But even then, I would still judge by a case by case basis. Who knows, maybe the husband was forcing the divorce and the wife had no choice? It would not be her fault in that situation. Remember, "less likely" does not mean "never." I would gladly marry a divorced woman if I knew she was the one for me.

And April, you're free to disagree or be upset with me. But don't tell me you're not trying to argue or attack me because the body of your post is clearly just that. Say what you mean, don't try to sugarcoat it.

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I am kind of in line with Sophie and Sarita. I don't even want to think of it, but if my husband died, I don't think I would ever remarry.

_

As a child of divorced parents who divorced for legitimate reasons (very unhealthy situation) and would be granted an annulment if they wanted to pursue it, I would be open to dating a divorced man-I know it's not the same, but I guess I look at it as a man who was in a relationship and broke up with his girlfriend-but I don't really want to, I am just open to God's will for my life. Luckily for me, neither of my parents have dated anyone at all since they divorced-it would be hard to deal with.

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The topic of marrying a divorced person has come up, so I'll comment on that, as well. Predictably, my answer to that is no as I have said that I want to marry only a virgin. But, there are possible exceptions. If my wife has died and I wish to re-marry or if I'm divorced because of my wife's sexual immorality I would consider marrying a divorced woman if she is divorced because her husband was sexually immoral. Since I would not be a virgin I would be able to accept that she is not a virgin, either.

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Thank you everyone for your responses. I read each one and it has definitely helped me to think through my own feelings on the subject.

The Bible says it's is permissible to marry multiple times, if of course, because the former spouse died. The marriage vow is to death,...

Thank you for clarifying that!

If my wife has died and I wish to re-marry or if I'm divorced because of my wife's sexual immorality I would consider marrying a divorced woman if she is divorced because her husband was sexually immoral. Since I would not be a virgin I would be able to accept that she is not a virgin, either.

You stated that very well. The sense of being in the same place, on equal ground, so to speak. And that would be an option for someone who is widowed, to find another widow and be able to maybe form a good union from that, since both people would most likely be going through very silmilar emotions.

I would hope that if I was ever widowed, that I would be able to open my heart again to someone else to the complete state that it was given the first time. But that is something I am sure would be extremely difficult, definitely the ideal outcome, if obtainable at all.

I'm thinking more and more this is definitely a case by case decision. Since it would depend where the emotional state of the widower was, whether they were able to move forward and wanted to. But assuming all that was true, there would still be a certain sadness at not being able to experience intimacy with them and have it be new for both of us. That newness would still have to be experienced alone by the person who was still a virgin.

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I wouldn't rule it out. It would depend on where he was emotionally. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who had not properly grieved and "moved on" and was ready for a relationship. His not being a virgin wouldn't bother me. I'm somewhat flexible on that as a requirement for a future spouse, and I view a sexual relationship with a spouse differently than other sexual relationships.

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Sure. In fact, if my loving her could in some way help her make it through the grieving process in a healthier way, then all the better.

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Sometimes when I see this thread's title, I think it says, "Would you date/marry a WINDOW?"

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