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"People who waited until marriage: what is your sex life like?"

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I was very surprised to find a thread of this sort on Reddit but here it is if you guys haven't seen it already! It's pretty interesting (and hilarious) to see different viewpoints on this.

So what are you guys' expectations on WTM? Do you think your sex life will be fantastic immediately; or do you think it will take a little time? What do you think about those people who want to see if they are sexually compatible with their SO before marrying them?

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/14ksom/people_of_reddit_who_waited_until_marriage_what/

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Hmmm...a common trend I'm noticing is that many of these couples married young, like in their early 20's sometimes 18 or 19. Most of these people were religious. Many of these marriages ended in divorce. Now I know the Bible says it's better to marry than to burn with passion, but have some common sense here. Did these couples even love each other? Did they work out any issues they had before hand? Somehow, I doubt it. It sounds like they rushed in blind. Of course there are young marriages that work out, but when you're young, you're more likely to be naive and have an unrealistic expectation of marriage. Make sure you have your bases covered.

Another thing I noticed was a lot of couples who WTM are either divorced or have passionless marriages. Many of them claim to have bad sex lives. I know there will be a lot of anxiety in the time leading up to the wedding night. But this is where communication comes into play. It honestly does not sound like these couples were honest with each other in regards to their needs and expectations. We can't go into the wedding night expecting it to be all fireworks and unicorns. Most likely, it's going to be painful for the girl and really awkward the first few times. Talk with your soon-to-be spouse about your needs and research ways to lessen the pain and awkwardness. Chemistry can be a big indicator of the kind of sex life you'll have without actually having sex. Chances are, if you have trouble keeping your hands off each other while dating, then you're probably fine on the sexual compatibility front. If one person seems physically withdrawn or uninterested, then that's a pretty good sign of incompatibility right there.

Personally, I'm excited for that day to come, assuming it comes at all. But just to be safe, I'm expecting the first few times to suck. Above all else, patience and communication is key.

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I honestly believe my sex life will automatically be fantastic! But then again this can be my naivness from being young ( I am 20 lol) Like Vince said its all about communication. Worst thing you can do is go into marriage just because you ''love'' eachother and not discuss things like finance, sex life (talk about what you two like), and many other topics. I noticed one guy say his marriage failed despite him waiting 28 years. He admits that he didn't have that mindset that sex was to be completely out of bounds when it's outside of marriage. I believe if you have this mindset and keep your heart to God, then you will be fine. Then again, you never know what the future holds. All we can do is hope for the worst and pray for the best...

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well i'm either happy to report - or sad to dispel the anxiety! - that my sex life after I got married..... was terrific. :-)

ok so i didn't know all the right pacing... and I was still learning what made her tick, and she was learning what made me quiver, but guess what? that's what made sex so fantastic! figuring it out! I waited all those years so that I could be a little uncertain, a lot hungry, and eager enough to figure her out, that sex was without a doubt fantastic.

admittedly, it took a time for two (or twelve) to get the full joint rhythm down, but honestly guys... it's all going to be super. I promise it won't be perfect, but I do promise it will be extremely satisfying :-)

and 20+yrs later in my marriage, sex is still great :-) i will confess that it's not as rabbit-like in frequency as it once was :-) but that is just fine because it's the two of us still together, still in love, and still adoring being with each other :-)

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"i'm going to preface this with a bit of back story. When I got married, I was 23 and he was 30. We met in school and I'm quite mature so the age difference wasn't a problem. I would have rather had sex before marriage, be he wanted to wait and I respected that. So, yeah, I married a 30 year old virgin and was a virgin myself.

Long story short, I've been married for 14 months and have had sex ONCE, approximately 9 months into the marriage. He is not interested in having sex with me and would rather masturbate. I have tried seducing him but with no luck. The sad thing is that I know he really loves me and he would be destroyed if wanted to end the relationship. We have seen a marriage counsellor but her attitude was that "if your only problem is sex then you're doing better than most people and shouldn't complain." I tried to get him to see a sex therapist but he has put off booking it for about 10 months.

Right now my self esteem is very low and I've gained a whole bunch of weight. I feel like a part of me has died. Knowing back then what I know now I would never have gotten married to him. I love him so much, but I can't deal with the lack of intimacy.

TL;DR: Only 1 sexy time since getting married and want to cry.

EDIT: I'm going to answer some common questions, in case any of you are still interested.

  • The therapist was not a Christian. She was just what was available through our benefits. I have asked to see and different one and he doesn't want to/will get upset if I try to book it.
  • Yes. I married my best friend. But I honestly thought we'd be fine sexually. We did two pre-marriage courses that talked about sex and we both outlined the same expectations of frequency/effort. He seemed very open to the idea of sex, he just wanted to wait until the right time.
  • He is not gay. However, I do believe he has addiction issues when it comes to pornography and self-stimulus. Specifically, he enjoys online fiction. Currently (and several times previously) he is attempting not to masturbate and always tells me when he does. I don't get mad at him when he tells me and I always offer to 'help out'.
  • At first I thought he has E.D. brought on by being nervous. We have tried prescriptions for this (though getting him to a doctor to get a prescription was a huge fight). Hes the type of guy who would rather try fixing it himself than getting help from someone. I don't think its E.D. now, though. I think its psychological.
  • Did I consider the possibility that me getting fat caused the problem? Yep. Every waking moment. But he didn't want to have sex BEFORE that happend. So realistically that isn't the problem. I'm sure its not helping, though.
  • When attempting intercourse, I don't just assume we're gonna try missionary. We've tried numerous positions and types of foreplay. That being said, attempts to have sex are rare.
  • Usually, when I try to seduce him or ask for sexual attention he responds with an exasperated sigh, as if to say "Do I have to?"
  • Would I get a divorce over something like this? I would consider it, for sure. It would destroy him. But if I have to do it for my own mental health, I will.

EDIT 2: I just wanted to clarify that I wrote the post in an emotional tornado and I don't think I explained things clearly. I didn't mean to say that "I'm mature" so the age difference isn't a big deal. That sounds retarded. The more accurate statement is that we were both at the same points in our life (I had just finished my second degree and was starting a career and he had just finished his masters and was doing the same). Hopefully that makes more sense.

I wanted to post all this because I really want to warn people getting married that just because you like each other doesn't mean you are sexually compatible. Also, talking about it beforehand does not necessarily mean anything. Be wary."

Oh my god, this makes me feel so depressed. :( HATE hearing stuff like this. It's the worst thing for an atheist waiter to hear because we don't think pre-marital sex is a sin, or wrong, so the only think keeping us driven is the romantic notion of only sharing your body for your one true love. It's stuff like this that keeps me from making up my mind. ARG.

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Oh my god, this makes me feel so depressed. :( HATE hearing stuff like this. It's the worst thing for an atheist waiter to hear because we don't think pre-marital sex is a sin, or wrong, so the only think keeping us driven is the romantic notion of only sharing your body for your one true love. It's stuff like this that keeps me from making up my mind. ARG.

I know what you mean. I was also depressed by that story you quoted. I guess, every waiter, no matter what the particular reasons for WTM are, would be depressed. Don´t want to make any false assumptions, but I was somewhat surprised that the guy seemed to be open about having sex BEFORE marriage when they talked about it (at least he said so according to this story) and then all of a sudden has lost all of his interest after they were married and they only slept ONCE with eachother? I don´t know, it just seems a little bit like that he wasn´t completely honest with his wife-to-be in the first place. Maybe I´m wrong and he discovered his “non-interest in sex†after they had sex? I don´t know. To me it´s just hard to imagine. I mean, you know if you are sexually interested in someone even before you have actual sex with them, I would say. But maybe it wasn´t like this in this case... so I don´t want to make any false assumptions or judgements.

Yes, it´s stories like these, that also get me thinking: “Oh man, what am I even doing? I hope I will never ever be the one who will write such depressing stories about my failed marriage. And it all went down the hill BECAUSE of the waiting-thingâ€.

And I found this story even more depressing:

"I got married at 21 years old. We had decided to wait until we were married to have sex, although we'd have plenty of playing around and getting each other off. The night of our wedding, we watched a little soft porn and then retired to the bedroom. I didn't last long, and after we cleaned up, we both looked at each other and said, "That's it?" We couldn't believe we'd gotten so excited about that.

Things did get better with more experience, but it was never great. We both admitted later on that if we'd had sex before marriage, we might not have gotten married. We stayed married for over six years. I made a personal rule afterwards that I wouldn't marry again without living together for about a year, and definitely not without having sex first. I would need to make sure we were compatible.

I'm getting married to a wonderful woman in May. And I know we're compatible this time. "

So sometimes I definitely get insecure in my decision and I am questioning myself. Especially after hearing those kind of stories.

But in time I figured out that it would be best when I don´t make my decision based on those kind of stories I hear or read on the internet. I recognize them and probably will keep them in mind and maybe learn some of the mistakes that are sometimes mentioned and try to not make them in my waiting-journey. But at the end of the day I don´t know these people, I don´t know how they live their lives or how good or bad their relationship was in the first place. In fact, I know nothing about them and why they wanted to wait, anyway. Did they actually wanted it or were they only motivated by fear, prohibitions or even disgust and no interest at all in sex…? What was their general attitude towards sex? Who knows…

I just try not to be so much influenced by those stories as I used to be. I guess, if everybody would be influenced by the love life stories of other people in a big way than probably nobody would get married anymore because of all the divorces and stories of failed marriages. But I guess, you want to get married despite of all of those horrible divorce-stories, don´t you (WTM or not) ? :)

Maybe we will crash and burn with our decision and then slowly recognize a couple years down the road that our decision just didn´t work out, but at least we tried to do the thing we believed in and something we really wanted and thought it can work. And if it fails, it fails (of course it would be horrible and I hope no waiter will have to make this experience). That´s the thing with decisions, unfortunately. Especially important life decisions. Often you see the consequences only after very much time has passed and then it´s sometimes too late to take that decision back. Only then you will know if it was the right decision for you or not. No waiter knows if a marriage is in the future, but nevertheless they keep waiting because they believe in it. Just listen to yourself and what you think is best for you. I believe, a decision is worth nothing if it´s not your own. Maybe don´t get that much affected by all those stories you hear or read when you need to make your final decision if WTM is the right choice for you or not (I know, it´s easier said than done).

And sometimes the success-waiting-stories can be a little bit motivational, too :) So here are two of the comments of the Reddit-site. Sorry, if the second one is too explicit for some on here. I just had to post it, because they are atheists, just like you :) But maybe you have seen these little stories already, anyway ;)

"me and my wife were virgins until we got married.....every night is the best sex ever for both of us, and its only getting better because we're both still learning...I can honestly say I made up for my 27 years of virginity within this one year of marriage since we've been having sex everyday except when she's on her period...definitly worth the wait."

"Me, It's great. We like to do it a lot, many different ways. We wear sexy things, do it in the shower, oral, doggy, whatever. never done anal and dont really want to. We feel that it's a special thing we can only share with the other.we think that waiting for each other will help us stay together forever. It wasn't a religious choice, were atheist. That's about it!!"

And here ends my message. It was just some thoughts that came to my mind ;) Hope you are feeling not depressed anymore! Or at least a little bit better!

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In reality, I decided a while back (perhaps it's an INTJ thing) not to really care whether or not other's failed at wtm or had lousy marriages which ended in divorce. If I am forced to deal with such things, I doubt it's going to affect my view of the place of sex (whether you're unmarried, married, or divorced/widowed it should be within marriage and not outside). It really seems like those people who waited, if you could call it that, never really got what wtm is about. WTM, to me, means putting off gratification of one's sexual desires, in order to both learn moderation and restraint and to work on the other aspects of oneself and one's relationship, thus building the kind of environment where sexual incompatibilty is either something that can be transmuted to compatibility or else just wouldn't exist. One's attitude towards sex while waiting shouldn't be one of disgust nor of over-reverence, but an adult one. While I see the act of making love to one's spouse as an act of worship (I'm Muslim), I also see it as a natural desire, which marriage (which is about so much more than merely having a constant supply of sex) helps to channel in a productive and healthy manner. Seems like these folks didn't see it that way. I'd like to see my future wife as the kind of person I can talk to about anything...someone I'd trust and respect and who would trust me and respect me, with the feeling that she could talk to me about anything. Hence, when it comes to my character traits and heck, even my relationship with my mom and sister, I, as a Muslim have, and still am working to learn to understand them, as women and human beings, and to develop the patience and maturity needed to get along with them. I feel that if this sort of thing is done (character development and inter-gender communication skills, etc.) these kinds of things (divorces by wtm couples) just plain and simply wouldn't happen. We need to really re-define what WTM means...not just imagine it as blocking off some carnal desire, as repression or it's opposite, hedonism are never good...transmuting or channelling these desires is, but only if done properly. And, one other thing, it really seems (and this can get a bit ticked off) that the people most pushing for WTM is society are the very people who slept around, etc. when they were younger. When the people doing all the promoting are the one's who refused to walk the path, then such ignorance and its attendant failure WILL most likely result. My dad and mom both waited...and while my dad promoted wtm and taught me about it, he never once told me it was the end all be all (especially when I got all enthused about it). He did however say how important it was in defining and strengthening their (my parents') marriage (and believe me, they've probably been through tougher times than most couples and after 30 years, there are times when they sound like newly-weds, haha...which goes to show that it can be done, if the right approach is taken). While I'd look at these other people's failures as a warning not to put my eggs in one basket (it takes more than wtm to make for a strong and lasting marriage), I wouldn't take their stories too much to heart. There are a ton of reasons that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with sex that led to these divorces (though most will never admit that...would prolly bruise their egos far too much) Anywho, just my two cents...

See ya on the flipside, keep your heads up, AND MOST OF ALL, REMEMBER THAT YOU MAKE YOUR OWN FUTURES (NOT SOMEONE ELSE),

Altan

EDIT: BTW, my mom has made (as has my dad) veiled remarks about how they both are, well, physically satisfied, having wtm...didn't need to sleep around to get the best love in the World...just sayin'...

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Sophie and Joolz- Yes, I saw that story also and it was an eye opener :o. Did you realize what she failed to mention though? She didn't say anything about him being physical before marriage, i.e. him getting too handsy and her having to lovingly reprimand him, kissing, etc ;). I know some people want to save kissing for marriage, but to me that is just too risky :unsure:. I hope that woman and her husband can work it out, but if he lied to her, then she, unfortunately, has grounds for divorce :(-but I think it is probably psychological like she said and he needs therapy to work it out.

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Sophie and Joolz- Yes, I saw that story also and it was an eye opener :o. Did you realize what she failed to mention though? She didn't say anything about him being physical before marriage, i.e. him getting too handsy and her having to lovingly reprimand him, kissing, etc ;). I know some people want to save kissing for marriage, but to me that is just too risky :unsure:. I hope that woman and her husband can work it out, but if he lied to her, then she, unfortunately, has grounds for divorce :(-but I think it is probably psychological like she said and he needs therapy to work it out.

Exactly what I was thinking Kailey. Which is why that story doesn't really bother me personally; it bothers me for waiting as a cause, but I don't really harbor any thoughts of this happening to me because I do believe that couples should be (somewhat) physically affectionate prior to marriage. I understand this means different things to different people but for instance I don't think I would/could date someone who was waiting til marriage to kiss. I couldn't do it. And even if I could I wouldn't want to. My $.02

Additionally, kissing and/or making out allows you to have some physical chemistry without having sex or performing any sex acts. I need to know Im attracted to her and vice versa...and that we want each other. Which the lack of could potentially lead to the case(s) in question...just because you two are compatible "on paper" doesn't automatically mean that a) you're going to be wildly attracted to one another physically, and b ) that you two will ultimately have a successful love life when married. The first one you can know for sure prior to marriage by a little "one on one time" time...and while the second wont be known for sure til it happens the first is a damn good indicator, imo.

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A lot of these issues arose from ignorance. There's a certain amount of knowledge that is healthy for the virgin going into the marriage that many sheltered people didn't avail themselves of. Since I've been in medical classes (and done a bit of reading on my own) I feel like I'm armed with enough knowledge of the female body to spring a surprise or two on someone expecting 14 seconds of ignorance and disappointment.

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I agree with everything you guys said thus far. When I first started to think about WTM and was in the process of the decision-making, I felt really alone and alien (like maybe most of you, too). So I started to look at some people´s stories and experiences with WTM (mostly on the internet). And failing-stories used to really make me insecure. Where I live WTM is pretty much non-existent. We don´t have such things like "celebrities who waited" or abstinence classes or just the general information that WTM can be indeed an option. At least I never ever heard of such things here, so I guess, if they do exist, they are well hidden. All public persons I know and who claim to be a waiter are from English-speaking countries, especially from the USA, so it took me a little while before I learned about them. Even in church here, there was and is no talk about WTM. Nothing. And I don´t have living proof like parents or other family members or friends who waited or want to wait (at least not that I know of). I wasn´t raised to WTM. So when you are all alone in your decision and don´t even know anybody (public person or someone in your life..no matter what) with that decision, you tend to take such stories a little bit more to your heart. At least in the beginnings of your decision making and at least in my case.

But, like I said, we don´t know these people who failed and don´t know their full story and how their relationship was before and after they got married. And most importantly, we don´t know, why they waited. I heard many stories where people had a bad experience with WTM, for example, because after they got married, it emerged that one partner wasn´t interested in sex at all or thought that sex was bad and gross. Or some had very high expectations and then in the end were disappointed… So in the end the problems allegedly caused by WTM were really communication or trust issues in most cases. Or just a very strict upbringing where sex is either put on a very high pedestal to worship and the pressure grows to make every sexy time dazzling or the children learn that sex is a negative thing. So I agree, that we really need to re-define what WTM means. Nowadays I don´t take these failing-stories that much to heart anymore. I try to at least. WTM isn´t the guarantee for a happy marriage (because it takes so much more than that) but neither is Non-WTM. But I still think sometimes to re-evaluate and questioning some decisions in your life isn´t a bad thing. I think it can be pretty healthy to do that because it shows that you really think about it and mean it seriously and don´t just do it out of high spirits or naïve thinking but you really deal with that subject.

So I definitely recognize these stories but I am not that much influenced by them anymore (although it´s still sad to read such things). It´s my life and just because some people failed in WTM doesn´t necessarily mean that I will, too. And I will do my very best to make it work.

Sophie and Joolz- Yes, I saw that story also and it was an eye opener :o. Did you realize what she failed to mention though? She didn't say anything about him being physical before marriage, i.e. him getting too handsy and her having to lovingly reprimand him, kissing, etc ;). I know some people want to save kissing for marriage, but to me that is just too risky :unsure:. I hope that woman and her husband can work it out, but if he lied to her, then she, unfortunately, has grounds for divorce :(-but I think it is probably psychological like she said and he needs therapy to work it out.

Yes, I have to agree :) That´s what I meant with the guy maybe not being really honest with his then-girlfriend about his interest in sex or even sexual things before they were married. Or he really didn´t know about it until they had sex? But we don´t know what their relationship was like. Maybe they did some physical stuff.....who knows... But if your SO seems to be really disinterested in doing some physical stuff with you (kissing etc... where ever you choose to set the boundaries) it really is a bad sign. I don´t wait till marriage just to find out that i can now wait for the rest of my life because waiting is so much fun ;) That´s not why I wait and what I want and I hope that nobody has to make such experience. Yes, I also hope the best for that couple and that they will work it out! I think waiting for marriage for the first kiss can be indeed a little bit risky. But to the people who choose that path: More power to you! :) I think, for me personally, it would be all too overwhelming from having the first kiss to having sex for the first time in a short period of time after the wedding, maybe couple of days. And I find it very important (or even essential) to know if you have physical chemistry with your partner before you say your vows.

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There's always going to be a lot of negative debate around WTM, but there ARE positive stories:

My husband and I both waited until we were married to have sex. We've been married thirteen years and I have no complaints about our sex life.

As far as our sex life being more adventurous than those who didn't wait until they were married, I have no idea but we're both very satisfied with ours and that's all that matters!

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This one make me lol but its GREAT! Another couple who have been married more than a couple years:

been married 8 years now... had our first kid just over a year ago. we got married at 20 and 21 years old... I just turned 30.

my wife gets hotter and hotter every damn year... i don't know how it's possible! and her sex drive is crazy insane at this point. it seems like every time my son goes down for a nap mommy is on the prowl.

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This one make me lol but its GREAT! Another couple who have been married more than a couple years:

been married 8 years now... had our first kid just over a year ago. we got married at 20 and 21 years old... I just turned 30.

my wife gets hotter and hotter every damn year... i don't know how it's possible! and her sex drive is crazy insane at this point. it seems like every time my son goes down for a nap mommy is on the prowl.

Me too. That was very funny ^_^

My favorite ones:

"I made an account just so I could comment and it will probably get buried. We have been married 7 months and we waited to have sex... And we are very adventurous and do it on average about twice a day (sometimes more, sometimes less) Our wedding night was perfect. We wanted each other so bad! There was no awkwardness, just pure sweet virginity taking".

"My wife and I are Christians and both waited until marriage for intercourse, despite an occasional "third base" encounter here and there. I was 24 and she was 22. We've been married for 10 years now and it's awesome. She's open to pretty much anything. Initially I was a bit nervous (first time putting on a condom let alone having sex) but it got better for both of us. We've discussed many things and I've told her many fantasies which she's been excited to try. Long story short, it's awesome. We feel special to have this unique experience with each other. Additionally we have no bad experience to compare to, so it's never like "well she does this OK but not as good as my ex."

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Part of it might involve going into marriage with realistic expectations. Don't think your sex life is going to be great right away or even somewhat soon. It might even take a year until it really gets going. But, I don't see why this should be a problem. You didn't, or at least shouldn't, have gotten married just to have sex. Sex is something that can be learned together in your marriage.

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well i'm either happy to report - or sad to dispel the anxiety! - that my sex life after I got married..... was terrific. :-)

ok so i didn't know all the right pacing... and I was still learning what made her tick, and she was learning what made me quiver, but guess what? that's what made sex so fantastic! figuring it out! I waited all those years so that I could be a little uncertain, a lot hungry, and eager enough to figure her out, that sex was without a doubt fantastic.

admittedly, it took a time for two (or twelve) to get the full joint rhythm down, but honestly guys... it's all going to be super. I promise it won't be perfect, but I do promise it will be extremely satisfying :-)

and 20+yrs later in my marriage, sex is still great :-) i will confess that it's not as rabbit-like in frequency as it once was :-) but that is just fine because it's the two of us still together, still in love, and still adoring being with each other :-)

@ ian

+1 Awesome.

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205058_10151152943812327_120146132_n.jpg

Yes or No?

LOL. Very funny, and a clever idea, but I could never sexualize Twister. To me, it's a children's game, something which I played a few times as a child and watched many children play.

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I gotta get this bedsheet!

This reminds me of a guy Sally and I saw on Halloween who was wearing a twister game as his costume. He kept walking around asking girls if they wanted to play I thought it was hilarious haha

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