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How persistent are you? (UPDATE)

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Once a girl rejects you, have you written her off completely or do you continue persuing her until she comes around?

I say this because I really screwed up.
This guy I like who has been nothing but kind and respectful towards me asked me on a date 3 times and I rejected him every time. He's since then stopped asking me.
He also asked me for a hug 3 seperate times and I declined those as well.
Big mistake that I totally repeatedly rejected the guy that God sent me.
And I don't even know why. Perhaps fear?
He still wants to be around me and he still initiates conversations with me and asks me tons of questions about myself but I feel like he has given up on me because now he gives me a ton of space, way more than before. A person can only take so much rejection right?
Feel free to leave me advice if you'd like. I would appreciate it :D

 

Update:

So it turns out he doesn't like me, he doesn't even see me as a friend, more of an acquaintance (that weird girl from class), and he is actually in a relationship :wacko:.

 

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my thread and offered me great advice, and sorry to anyone I possibly burdened with my problems.

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I will answer from a guy's perspective, since being on the opposite side of the coin, I have been in this position. There was a girl once that I was really interested in. This was while I was in college, and I got to know her a little bit, and she was friends with some mutual friends. One night at a social event, I got her number and asked her out. She seemed really pleased at the time and I was looking forward to our date.

Then, the next day, sent me a FB message stating that I'm a great guy and deserve someone so much better or some gibberish. (BTW, she was a waiter as well, though I did not find this out until later - story stories of my life, but I digress).

Anyway, a few months down the line, one of her friends approached me and let me know this girl regretted rejecting me, and that I should ask her out again. It was kind of exciting, though I told the girl that I wasn't going to ask her out again. I did the tough part the first time! She needed to talk to me, I wasn't going to go ask out this girl again. What if she were to reject me again? Man would I be looking desperate!

Well, the friend talked to her, and the girl I was interested in approached me and we talked about it. She asked for a "second chance". Ended up taking her on one of the best dates of her (and my) life. We had a relationship that lasted several months.

For your situation, I am amazed that this guy has asked you out more than twice. Getting rejected once is one thing, twice, well that ought to seal the deal. Three times? Essentially six times? Are you really hoping he makes another move?

Here's my suggestion: If I were you, and you're genuinely interested in the guy, just talk to him about it. He put himself out there multiple times. If you like him, let him know this time around.

He'll respect you for it.

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I agree with Gil. That guy had the courage to ask you out not once, but three times. The ball is in your court now. It's only fair that you work up the courage to ask for a second chance.

For most guys, we are persistent for mostly two reasons. Either because we have a big ego and won't take no for an answer or because our heads are stuck in fairy tales and think if we keep trying, we can change their minds. I used to be persistent for the latter reason. That was before I realized that in real life, persistence usually equals stalker/creepish behavior. My experiences have left me jaded and now I will just quit after asking once. I'd say it's rare for a girl to change her mind and I would rather she be certain she wants to give me a chance rather than trying to make her change her mind. I figured if she did change her mind, she would let me know anyways.

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Just asking once requires a massive amount of courage on my part. I can't imagine doing it thrice.

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Persistence used to be a sweet, romantic thing, but I think Vince is right, in today's world it comes close to looking creepy.

I've also been in the asking/pursuing position. It's hard to know the balance of persistence and peskiness. I usually only persist because I want to know the reason why. Is it because they aren't a waiter, or because there's something I said that came across wrong, or anything fixable. If they just don't like me, can't see themselves hanging out with me, I'd rather them say that and offend me than be vague for the sake of being polite.

Three times means he was probably pretty dadgum interested in you.

If you have his number, here's what I would suggest. Send him a text message saying "Hi, this is (Sweety). I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch? I have something I'd like to talk about. :-)" You'll probably make his li'l heart go flippity-flop.

I'd suggest just being honest. Say you were shy/nervous/scared, but the more you thought about it, the more you might like to see what's there. Then (if this is how you feel) say "I normally think the guy should ask the girl out, but you already got shut down three times, so I think this time I owe it to you to ask: Are you free for a date?"

Keep us updated. :)

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Once a girl rejects you, have you written her off completely or do you continue persuing her until she comes around?

I say this because I really screwed up.

This guy I like who has been nothing but kind and respectful towards me asked me on a date 3 times and I rejected him every time. He's since then stopped asking me.

He also asked me for a hug 3 seperate times and I declined those as well.

Big mistake that I totally repeatedly rejected the guy that God sent me.

And I don't even know why. Perhaps fear?

He still wants to be around me and he still initiates conversations with me and asks me tons of questions about myself but I feel like he has given up on me because now he gives me a ton of space, way more than before. A person can only take so much rejection right?

Feel free to leave me advice if you'd like. I would appreaciate it :D

Hm...I'm in the same situation as this man. The thing is (the men here already know) I recently asked out a girl for the first time. She turned me down because she's already seeing someone else. I've stopped pursuing her, at least for now, because I know it's pointless. Of course, I've only been in this situation once, so it's not like I "know" much.


Does this man know why you're turning him down? I think he's really interested in you if he's asked you out three times (he must have nerves of steel!) and continues to talk to you. Most men would give up after one attempt, and almost all men would stop after two, because asking repeatedly will make other people laugh him off as creepy/desperate. In his eyes, you're not into him and you won't change your mind. What's the point of asking a fourth time when he knows that he'll be told no again? If you do want to go out with him after all (which I understand you do, considering that you consider your previous action to be a huge mistake), you'll have to take the first step.

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I do like him and I do want to go out with him and get to know a lot more about him.

This guy is not shy at all, he has a ton of confidence. One day he basically told me that I don't intimidate him and that he would approach a lion lol.

But wait...there's more. He often offers me a bite of his food, or sip from his coffee or water but I always decline. I am a germaphobe, he doesn't think about stuff like that so I know it makes him feel some type of way that I don't want any. At one point he was showering me with tons of compliments every day and I deflected every one of them. One time he gave me a compliment on my unruly hair and he started swearing because I told him that he likes weird things. I never answer his questions about what kind of guy I would marry (whenever he mentions me being with a guy he always says marry or husband never date or boyfriend, makes me think he knows I'm a Waiter). Now that I think about all of the things I really have been awful to him. I don't know why!

@Gil Yeah...I am hoping he makes another move, but I know I shouldn't expect it. He knows I am socially awkward and shy and quiet. He's like the exact opposite of me in that aspect. Just how am I supposed to let him know that I like him?

@envincible Thanks for the advice. I don't think I have any courage. I am a wimp and a baby.

@erasercrumbs Neither could I. I don't mean to make it hard for him. I don't even know why I am being like that towards him.

@LonelyKnight I don't think he is creepy at all. The thing is he intimidates me. I feel that he is waaaaay out of my league.I can't even look him in the eyes, much less ask him to lunch. I'll definitely keep you guys updated.

@LookingForTheOne Yes he knows why I turned him down. Around the time he was asking me I was going through a big crisis and I explained everything to him. As for the hugs there is really know particular reason why I rejected those. He's tall and fairly muscular...I have just never been that close to a man before and at the time it was still hot outside so he would only wear a singlet.I just wasn't comfortable with that.

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Okay, so even better. Tell him you've really been quite awful to him, and you're sorry and you are interested in him. Maybe a lot, the more you think about it.

He probably hasn't noticed you being "awful" at all, just that you've been sending signals that you're not interested. :)

Oh and by the way, I'd tell him all this at lunch. Just send the text and secure his agreement for lunch, don't tell him everything beforehand, even if he asks. Give him a little mystery.

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The good news is he most likely still likes you a lot and if I was still spending that much time with a girl that would be me being persistent.

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whoa, I can't believe how perfect it is that I stumbled on this post today! I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you - my friend hinted to me some months ago that he'd be interested in the possibility of a relationship, but I kind of brushed it off and we haven't spoken about it since. Now months later, I'm finding myself really attracted to him and wanting a relationship but he doesn't seem interested anymore.

I think I'll take the advice given and just talk/ask him about it. Its better than holding on to this crush and always wondering what if...

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whoa, I can't believe how perfect it is that I stumbled on this post today! I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you - my friend hinted to me some months ago that he'd be interested in the possibility of a relationship, but I kind of brushed it off and we haven't spoken about it since. Now months later, I'm finding myself really attracted to him and wanting a relationship but he doesn't seem interested anymore.

I think I'll take the advice given and just talk/ask him about it. Its better than holding on to this crush and always wondering what if...

Ah well good thing I made this thread! ;)

The good thing is you were friends with the guy before. I wasn't friends with this guy before. He had started sitting beside me and asking me on dates only a day or two after we met. I was always attracted to him, and even more so now than before :wub:

I guess I was confused as to why he was asking me out and wanting to get to know me and showering me with compliments. I was overwhelmed. Especially since I we're like opposites and I wasn't presenting myself in a very attractive manner either lol.

I think it would be easier to tell him how you feel since you two started out as friends. Actually you kinda give me courage to tell the guy I like how I really feel. I have only recently started dropping hints, but I think it is going to take a lot more than that lol.

Okay, so even better. Tell him you've really been quite awful to him, and you're sorry and you are interested in him. Maybe a lot, the more you think about it.

He probably hasn't noticed you being "awful" at all, just that you've been sending signals that you're not interested. :)

Oh and by the way, I'd tell him all this at lunch. Just send the text and secure his agreement for lunch, don't tell him everything beforehand, even if he asks. Give him a little mystery.

It is last week of the semester, and next week is finals week he is a straight A student and he has a job so I'm pretty sure he has no time. Plus I did ask him to Starbucks and he said he had a lot of crap to do that day. I don't have money for our lunch anyway. I thought about making him lunch but that seems inappropriate. Anyway, I don't think he is going to want to meet with me, because I mentioned that I was going to miss him a lot because we won't see each other for like a month, and he told me that "absence makes the heart grow fonder!!!!" (this was via text message). Not sure if that was in reference to me or himself, or exactly what he meant by that.

The good news is he most likely still likes you a lot and if I was still spending that much time with a girl that would be me being persistent.

Yeah, I know. I don't know why I couldn't see that before. He's been really really good to me and all I did was shove everything back in his face. Mainly because of my insecurities.

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I wouldn't be so hard on yourself for rejecting the guy at the time. If you weren't ready at the time then you just weren't ready. It doesn't mean you were hostile toward him just because you weren't ready.

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder? And you don't take encouragement out of that? Take a lesson from him! Don't give up! He has a little pride in not leaping at the chance, and besides as you said he's busy. Don't quit.

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^I don't know if he meant it to be words of encouragement or discouragement. Its just too cryptic for my comprehension!

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@Gil Yeah...I am hoping he makes another move, but I know I shouldn't expect it. He knows I am socially awkward and shy and quiet. He's like the exact opposite of me in that aspect. Just how am I supposed to let him know that I like him?

Call him up and ask him if the offer to go out sometime is still on the table. Tell him what you just said here, that you're shy and socially introverted. Let him know you were flattered but afraid when he asked before.

Ohh, and if you're thinking of texting, phone calls are much more personal than texts. But hey, that's up to you.

@LonelyKnight I don't think he is creepy at all. The thing is he intimidates me. I feel that he is waaaaay out of my league.I can't even look him in the eyes, much less ask him to lunch. I'll definitely keep you guys updated.

Way out of your league in the looks department? If that's the case, I remember an adage my brother relayed to me that he learned from one of his good friends.

"When it comes to relationships, make sure that you're the ugly one."

If the guy has bad vision, maybe it's working in your favor. Roll with it!

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If you are legitimately interested in this person you should take the suggestions of the posters on here. If you do nothing and he never asks you will wonder if you could have made something happen. If you take action and he is no longer interested then at least you tried.

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If you are legitimately interested in this person you should take the suggestions of the posters on here. If you do nothing and he never asks you will wonder if you could have made something happen. If you take action and he is no longer interested then at least you tried.

I know, you're right. Pretty much everyone who suggested something is right. I don't want you to think I'm unappreciative of the advice. Its just very difficult for me. The other day I left my notebook at home and was even too afraid to ask him for paper. Luckily he knew what I wanted without me having to ask. He is so accommodating, yet I can't even do something so simple as asking for paper. I think I will try once exam week is over because he is still going to be around a little while before he goes on vacation. Do you think he'll think its weird that I'm being so forward all of a sudden?

Call him up and ask him if the offer to go out sometime is still on the table. Tell him what you just said here, that you're shy and socially introverted. Let him know you were flattered but afraid when he asked before.

Ohh, and if you're thinking of texting, phone calls are much more personal than texts. But hey, that's up to you.

Omg guys! Calling? Tears of fear are prickling my eyes of just the thought of calling him. It took me like 1/2 an hour just to build up enough courage to text him. I don't want to creep him out or seem clingy.

Way out of your league in the looks department? If that's the case, I remember an adage my brother relayed to me that he learned from one of his good friends.

"When it comes to relationships, make sure that you're the ugly one."

If the guy has bad vision, maybe it's working in your favor. Roll with it!

Yes looks, but also intelligence, and he's pretty much superior to me in any way imaginable.

Haha, that might work for guys but I don't think its the same the other way around. I don't think he has bad vision, I just think he's an oddball.

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I don't want to creep him out or seem clingy.

Way too early to be "clingy". Up to this point, you've been anything but.

Yes looks, but also intelligence, and he's pretty much superior to me in any way imaginable.

Confidence issues much? Might want to use this opportunity to work on that.

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Okay from what you have said you are super duper shy..... but that doesn't mean you're inferior to him I'm sure he doesn't think you are if he has asked you out three time, just saying.

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I wouldn't be so hard on yourself for rejecting the guy at the time. If you weren't ready at the time then you just weren't ready. It doesn't mean you were hostile toward him just because you weren't ready.

^ An important point that I hope you take to heart. Don't beat yourself over this.

When you realize someone likes you, it can be an overwhelming rush of conflicting emotions. It's exciting, but also a little scary. You seem like a very nice girl, and obviously this guy sees that in you. If approaching him for a date is a little too intimidating, just try to think of reasons to be near him. Smile at him--it's okay if you get nervous and look away, if he sees you looking, it will flatter him and give him evidence that you might still be interested. Drop enough of those hints, and if he is indeed still interested,he'll reciprocate. And be sure to send him more texts, if it's not too difficult.

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Way too early to be "clingy". Up to this point, you've been anything but.

Confidence issues much? Might want to use this opportunity to work on that.

I have been known to be rather clingy. Even to just family and friends that I really like and get along well with, or just people that I respect and admire a lot.

And yeah, I do have confidence issues that I'm working on. Way ahead of you on that one. I'm usually aware of my flaws well before anyone else is.

Okay from what you have said you are super duper shy..... but that doesn't mean you're inferior to him I'm sure he doesn't think you are if he has asked you out three time, just saying.

You know what? You're right. I shouldn't have put it that way. I do think i am a decent person that has a lot to offer.

^ An important point that I hope you take to heart. Don't beat yourself over this.

When you realize someone likes you, it can be an overwhelming rush of conflicting emotions. It's exciting, but also a little scary. You seem like a very nice girl, and obviously this guy sees that in you. If approaching him for a date is a little too intimidating, just try to think of reasons to be near him. Smile at him--it's okay if you get nervous and look away, if he sees you looking, it will flatter him and give him evidence that you might still be interested. Drop enough of those hints, and if he is indeed still interested,he'll reciprocate. And be sure to send him more texts, if it's not too difficult.

Thank you for understanding and explaining what I seemed to be unable to lol.

I have done a lot of those things. The last time I did that looking at him while smiling thing he caught me and was like "What...am I ugly?" and then I made up some terrible excuse for looking at him like that. Then I never did it again since then, but he also did that to me before. I don't really know what kinds of things girls text guys. When I text my friends its for random things.

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Sweety, I've been in similar shoes as you before. For whatever reason, it's TERRIFYING to overcome that inertia and make that first move. (Well, not first move, but you know what I mean.) It's easier to think about it and let your stomach get all tied up in knots about it, and hesitate and ruminate and circle the runway and any other stalling or delaying analogies you can think of. For whatever reason, we just don't feel like acting. We're afraid of what's going to happen, if it doesn't turn out our way. So we come write posts and share with friends.

I, your brave and humble knight, sat in a room and stared at a phone for a solid ten minutes, picking it up and putting it down, trying to talk myself into calling a girl.

I'm telling you. You're better off to muster enough bravery to go stand on the edge, and just enough insanity to give yourself a push. After that, it's all downhill.

No one here is condemning you or thinking you should feel bad. We're all cheering you on. So c'mon. Get rolling. And for my two cents, don't come back until you have done something. :)

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I keep thinking of this quote from the movie We Bought A Zoo: "All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you, something great will come of it."

It takes about 20 seconds to text, "Hey, maybe we could grab lunch together sometime..."

Maybe he says yes; it could be the start of a beautiful relationship. Maybe he says no, but at least you then know that you DID something, that you tried, and you can move on! But whether it leads to romance or the simple satisfaction of knowing that you at least gave it your best effort, I believe that if you take a leap of faith with some act of courage here, something great will come out of it. Maybe not what you expect, and maybe not immediately, but something great will come.

We're all behind you! Best wishes, whatever you decide to do.

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that's good advice! ^ As for me, I only pursue a girl until she says no only once. After she says no, I still like her ofcourse for some time. This guy stuck around even after you said no THRICE. So make that move! keep us posted on what happens I wish you the best =)

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