zabmer

Need advice : How to help boyfriend to get over my past

16 posts in this topic

Hi Girls,

I was wondering if anyone could really advice me on how to help my bf in getting over my past.

He is absolutely aware that it was my past n nothing he could have done about it.

It was when he never was in my life.

Its just he cant remove those mental pictures which pops up in his head all the time.

he wants to get over it. He loves & cares about me alot.

He is too sensitive about this. He is trying to cope up but fails to do so.

Plz advice if anyone has faced this & has something successfully worked.

He feels suicidal, depressed, angered , painful n lonely.

He wants me to be constantly with him so that those negative thoughts dont bother him.

Plz advice as what i can do to support him in this tough time.

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Hello, and welcome to the forum. I'm not a girl, but I'll try to help you anyway.

I'm very sorry to hear all of that. There are a few articles (not forum threads--see here and here) that might be helpful. Unfortunately, there are no articles I can think of that cater to your question specifically ("my partner is waiting and can't accept my history, how do I help him/her?").

(Speaking of which, it might be a good idea for the Web site's editors to write an article on the matter.)

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Yeah, we have a few articles on this topic:

[snip]

I know you'd come up with these ;), but I don't think these will help the OP because most of these are directed at the waiting partner, rather than the non-waiting partner. It's one thing to ask "I can't deal with their history, how can I get over it?" What we're dealing with here, however, is "They can't deal with my history, how do I help them?" In my reply, I was thinking of articles intended for non-waiters in dealing with waiting partners. There's only one such article I can think of (at least on this Web site--it's under the "Questions" tab--"My boyfriend/girlfriend is waiting till marriage, but I am not. Any tips?").

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Reassurehim and make sure you continue to show him that you love and care for him. Strengthen your trust. Those seem like simple basics but that's all there is to it - give him time and do those things and I'm sure he will believe in you and grow over his concerns.

Time and love :) all the best! I know how it feels on both ends so hang in there and I'm confident things will turn out!

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I know you'd come up with these ;), but I don't think these will help the OP because most of these are directed at the waiting partner, rather than the non-waiting partner. It's one thing to ask "I can't deal with their history, how can I get over it?" What we're dealing with here, however, is "They can't deal with my history, how do I help them?" In my reply, I was thinking of articles intended for non-waiters in dealing with waiting partners. There's only one such article I can think of (at least on this Web site--it's under the "Questions" tab--"My boyfriend/girlfriend is waiting till marriage, but I am not. Any tips?").

Yeah, I was kind of thinking "Here's some articles you can give him to read", but I get what you mean. You're right: we don't really have a lot of articles aimed at people who didn't wait.

xxx

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Yeah, I was kind of thinking "Here's some articles you can give him to read", but I get what you mean. You're right: we don't really have a lot of articles aimed at people who didn't wait.

xxx

Maybe that can be something we add! That would attract more people to the site as well :) maybe they didnt wait but now they want to

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He feels suicidal, depressed, angered , painful n lonely.

He wants me to be constantly with him so that those negative thoughts dont bother him.

Well, this is what jumped out at me. I know it is hard for him to deal with, but it seems out of proportion to the situation. I also wondered if maybe he wants to be with you all the time because he doesn't trust you when you are not with him? It seems like an unhealthy situation for both of you. I just Googled "help getting over girlfriends past" and a lot came up, here are a few links that might help.

http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/02/11/cant-get-over-girlfriends-past/ (there is an option to ask a question here)

http://www.ehow.com/how_8359509_over-girlfriends-past.html (there's actually an ehow about this :))

Also, maybe you could get a relationship book that takes you through communication exercises-haha Dr.Phil is coming into my mind, I don't really know of any though.

I really feel for you and it makes me feel all the more grateful that any guys I date won't have to go through this. If he is truly a great guy, I hope he is able to get past this so you can move forward.

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I know I'm not a girl but I clicked on this thinking it was a guy and since I have been in this exact same situation only reversed I figured I could give some of his perspectives. He's hurt obviously if he is anything like me it is one of the most hurtful things that can happen. It'll take time for him but at the same time honestly if he is taking it that hard there is something wrong with him as well. I felt pretty messed up but never suicidal and never that angry just sad mostly. One last thing from what I have been told and from what I've felt the pain does fade but he'll never forget about it.

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The fact that you mention that this has made him suicidal and depressed makes me believe that he should seek professional help first and foremost. As far as getting over your past, I think that is something to be dealt with once he gets over the other issues first. I will say this, though. The fact that he wants to get over means there is a chance. I, for instance, would not want to get over it. I want only a virgin wife. He does not seem to have this desire (or at least he seems to be saying he does not.) His issue is more just about not wanting to picture and think about what happened in the past.

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First of all thank you to all.

The reading the view points of each of you has given some insights to my situation.

I agree very much with WNY.

The fact of the matter is he just is not accepting it, he is still in phase where he thinks how could I have done such a thing.

He agrees it nt my fault, agrees he is absolutely fine that I did not wait.

He tries to run away from the thoughts rather then facing and accepting them..

We have thought about professional help. But not sure if we will go for it.

I know it's going to take a while .

The one brightside i have seen in the whole thing is at least he agrees that discussing my past i, is sheer waste of time.

He talk about sucide because he cant control the thoughts or the visuals of my past which pops up in his head.

We have decided not to talk with each other till he is able to get to terms with it.

Hoping for the best..

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Well, I hope he agrees to get the help he needs. If he truly cares for you, he will do anything he must to face this issue and get past it so you two can move forward. Hope it works out for you :).

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Hi Zabmer,

I have been in your boyfriend's shoes before. I'm sure your boyfriend has imploringly, probably painfully tried to describe the feelings to you before. My guess is you don't quite understand, except that he is hurting and you want to fix it but can't. From an informal poll of the women on this website, women are far more willing to accept a man's past than a man to accept a woman's.

I can't describe to you the hurt and pain and worthlessness someone feels not to be waited for, and I won't even try. It's called retroactive jealousy, and I've even talked to men with pasts who struggle with their partners' past. (Which is, to me, hypocritical but it's a reality.) One very manly fellow I know, the type who is married now but went out to bars and laid it down and cruised for girls and the whole "stud" bit, admitted to me privately that he still struggles with his wife's past if he lets himself think about it.

I've talked to far too many people on the subject, trying to find answers for how to cope with it myself. In the end, I have called off at least two or three potential relationships because of it.

I wrote three letters that may be difficult to read but might help you understand what your boyfriend is experiencing. (Letter 1, Letter 2, Letter 3) Letter 2 may be of particular use.

Your boyfriend needs to hear the following things IF they're true and IF you've been around him long enough for you both to think you might get married one day:

1) You know you did wrong

2) You're sorry. (Say this with as much meaning and feeling as you can muster...as much as you feel)

3) You've changed

4) If you'd known him or knew he'd be in your life, you'd never have done what you did

5) Even though you gave away your virginity, you value and prize him, and he is of far higher worth to you than anyone in your past

6) Give him permission to be mad. He is in a lot of pain, but doesn't want to vent it on you. If you can handle it, I know of one friend who came to grips with her partner's past after one bout of absolutely shouting and screaming at him.

7) Find a way to explain to him that there would still be something left for him if you got married. (One of the gravest blows to me was the knowledge that while it would all be new for me, I'd just be the third or fourth partner for her. One girl confessed she'd never orgasmed with any of her several partners, and although we had no relationship, even that was some consolation!)

Once you have done all of these things, you have done about all you can. The ball will be in his court. At some point though, he either needs to move forward or move on. If he can't come to grips with what you did, then he needs to move on and avoid hurting you both further. If he keeps orbiting around the subject, then I very humbly suggest you need to know when it's time to walk.

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I think Lonely Knight gave the most detailed and well rounded answer possible. I would just like to add one thing. You mentioned he is suicidal. I would suggest that before moving on with any of these attempts, you FIRMLY SOLIDIFY A MENTALLY STABLE PLACE for him. This is a very emotional hurdle to jump, and you need to make sure he is in a right mind to attempt this. 

I've known of waiters who really killed themselves over this exact situation.

Please do not take it lightly and remember that his emotions, while different from yours, and maybe even irrational or psychotic, are not invalid. They exist and may be causing very real pain. I suggest you do whatever you can to lower the stakes at this moment, even if it means breaking up or taking a pause in the relationship. Or if this is a REALLY serious situation, if you see signs of self harm or destructive mentality, please encourage him to seek counseling or more serious help before coming back to this. It's hard, but keep in mind what is best for him. 

I may be over reacting, I don't know the situation, but I know that even loved ones of a suicidal person can be taken by surprise when it really happens.

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LADIES, IF YOU HAVE ANY SEXUAL HISTORY, THIS IS THE BEST DATING ADVICE:

DATE CONFIDENT MEN! Confidence means he will have assurance in himself physically, mentally and emotionally, which he derives from his skills, abilities and knowing himself well.  A confident man will NOT be bothered by your sexual history (as long as you’re not settling for him), he will hope you were treated well during those times, focus on being the best he can be for you and excited he is with an amazing women!:wub:

If a guy is not confident in himself physically, he will constantly focus on his own insecurities and not the relationship.  These types of guys are terrified they will not be able to sexually satisfy their wife as well as her previous partners. This will definitely become toxic and cause heartache for both of you.

On 12/2/2012 at 1:51 AM, zabmer said:

The one brightside i have seen in the whole thing is at least he agrees that discussing my past i, is sheer waste of time.

I am a firm believer in airing out ALL of your dirty laundry when dating. The more information, the better! You don’t want to find AFTER you’re married that he lacks the confidence to handle your sexual history….You want to find that out way before marriage. (omg I just realized how much dating is like interviewing for a job lol)

Lastly, why on earth would you want to date a man that has to cope…just to be with you? That has to make marriage a lot harder.

Wouldn’t you want a mentally strong, confident man who is EXCITED and can’t believe he gets to be with you?

Ladies, typically you’re far more forgiving and confident when dealing with a man’s sexual history, so you should expect the same in return…Don’t sell yourselves short!

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I know this is really old but in a lot of ways I feel like the guy in this post. It has caused me a lot of depression and anxiety as well (but not to this degree). The thought of the girl I'm talking to doing anything sexual with someone else just makes me sick to my stomach. I don't think it has anything to do with confidence either. I'm very confident in myself and she makes me feel confident in myself as well. Not to mention it's not like she was satisfied in just about any way to begin with during that experience. Simply getting emotional about things has nothing to do with whether or not you have confidence. That's not the issue and I doubt it ever would be because sex would come way down the road anyway.

I think part of it is the lack of exclusivity. I really want to be her only one ever and for her to be my only one ever (obviously way too early with this girl, but just talking generally). It's just very disturbing to me otherwise and maybe that's just my own problem I need to work out. While it obviously isn't, it feels like a betrayal. It's the same action that would be considered a betrayal if you were together. I don't understand how people can have no problems or feelings with this. I've asked myself that for a very long time in fact. I just don't get it.

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