Alex992

Losing hope...need some advice

14 posts in this topic

I am really losing hope on having a relationship with a woman that will last until we die. I look at the things other people go through and do to eachother in relationships etc. and I just get turned off about dating. I read an article about a couple who were married 77 years! The man divorced his wife at 99 years old because he found letters of a man she had an affair with 60 years ago. The things people do to eachother in relationships makes me not want one myself. I wont say I have lost hope, but right now, I have about 30% hope. Im pretty sure I will never lose hope. But if I do, I will choose to be alone the rest of my life rather than have pre marital sex.

Another reason I lose hope is because of me as well. Im sorry if this is tmi but I have been struggling with pornography for a long time. I have been exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8. I would always stop watching for a couple of months and then dive right back into it. It makes me feel really bad about myself. I feel as if It will haunt me even into my marriage and eventually lead to a broken home. I fear that pornography has already conditioned my mind to a point of no return.

I fear that I will never get over my adiction or that if my girl (if I ever have one) finds out, that she will be hurt or feel like she has to do things the girls do in pornagraphy or look a certain way to satisfy me. I dont ever want to bring that pressure and pain on a girlfriend. I want her to know that I will love her and only have eyes for her. But truth is, I wont only have eyes for my girl if I dont get over pornography.

I believe that my weakness to lust will shatter my future relationships. I really love and respect woman, but from time to time, pornography will distort my view of the true beauty of a woman. So what I am basically saying is....my deeds have made me into someone who is unworthy or unable to WTM even though I really want to. Like I said, I would rather be alone than have pre marital sex and leave emotional scars not only on myself, but on the girl as well.

I may sound naive but I just want to be honest. The same way I confess my sins to God, I want to confess it to you all as well. I just want all of your opinion on this. It will be great also if all of you share a time you had of hoplessness too.

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Dude, first of all, chill out a bit. A lot of what you're dealing with is merely the whisperings of the Devil. I've dealt with a lot of the same stuff, trust me...and I'm not giving up. I know exactly what it feels like to face the kind of temptations and trials you're facing. For one thing, we can talk about the whole porn addiction issue in private, if you'd prefer...I can give you some solid advice, as I've faced those temptations myself. Secondly, your life is your life...it doesn't have to play out like everyone else's...you have the power to make it work. If you've been around this site for long enough, then you should know that there are women who will understand. Don't give up...make yourself strong with prayer and Scripture and if you need to talk to another guy who's been where you're at, just message me, bro...

Peace,

Altan

EDIT: I leave you (for now) with this uplifitng song:

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Hi Alex - Like Altan, I am hoping that you will ease up a bit... if only to remember that at the heart of being human is the the purity of hope, the sincerity of effort and commitment and the realities of temptation and sin. I suspect that if every man on here were honest, he would tell you that at some point in his life - and perhaps even still - he has struggled in some fashion with the issues you describe... pornography, concerns about relationship honesty, doubts of monogamous sustainability.

But you have one oh-so-important relationship already in your court: your relationship with God. Confession is good for the soul of course - you know that - but confession requires that you also understand how to release that sin as response to God's washing you clean anew. You will sin again and again. We all do and will. How we address it, confess it, account for it, and pronounce it past in order to rectify or forgive it.

I know you shared a story of a man who divorced his wife late in life, and the fact that that episode gave you yet another pause of concern about the stability and viability of a lifetime relationship.

I can only comment on my life to share with you my reality - I'm 50, so I'm decades older than you. I married at 26 a woman who I pray every day continues to believe in me and believe in us as much as I do. We have ups and downs, and we do occasionally fight or disagree and disappoint each other. But - I have never for one minute worried I had misplaced trust in her, and vice versa. Our foundation is solid - our daily lives up and down - and our relationship is as strong a rope as it was when we married.

While it is unimaginable to me to discover something like what you described in that story - perhaps I have matured enough to recognize that people make choices and exercise their God-given free will in ways that honor God and the people in their lives, and of course regrettably, sometimes they don't. All I know - or can know - is that I could never live my life without believing in that one other person in my life, and whatever we face, we face together. Good and bad. Uplifting or numbing. Reinforcing or dismaying. What I bring into that relationship every morning when I wake up, and every evening when I fall asleep, is hope. And optimism. And trust. And faith. For me - that is the man I want to be for me. For her. And for God.

So I offer you those words - as hopeful affirmation - and as one man's added perspective - you strike me as a guy who would bring all those outlooks to bear in life and in relationship. You shared a thoughtful perspective with candor and self-wonder - and that's what gets you through virtually everything. :-)

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Don't worry so much, there are girls who will understand and try and help you through your struggles. My church once had a great speaker talk about how he was addicted to pornography and how he got over it-it was very powerful, you could tell how much he hated himself for it and how he struggled to get over it, but he did! I can relate to how you worry about trusting another person with your heart, I have gone through periods where I wondered if it was possible (like when Tiger Woods was in the news), but it definitely is. Don't focus too much on people who have had bad marriages and listen to the ones who have made it work, like Ian :)!

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I think we all have things that worries us that we won't ever be able to make a relationship work. I worry that I won't be able to make a relationship work because I have a really hard time trusting people. I have really only grown to trust one person in my life, and it's not even one of my parents. I worry that I won't ever be able to have a good relationship because of this. Relationships should be built on trust and how can I build a relationship on trust? The one thing that helps me through those moments that I feel like I'm going to be alone for my entire life is the hope that there is someone out there that is going to be willing to help me. There is a person out there that is going to be patient enough not only to wait for marriage with me, but patient enough to help me to learn to trust them. There is somebody out there that is going to see past our flaws and who is going to help us. That person is going to understand that you are going to falter and when you do, they are going to be standing right next to you helping you back up.

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Hi.

I want to start off by saying that I am not trying to make light of your situation or dismiss your concerns as irrational or trivial in any way because I can see that this is causing you a tremendous amount of emotional distress and it really breaks my heart.... :(

But I honestly don't see anything wrong or alarming about a 20 year old male watching porn or having feelings of lust.....lol It just means you have a healthy sex drive and curiosity. In other words, you're normal. You're not committing any crime. It's not like you're out there reenacting the stuff lol Most people just watch porn for entertainment purposes lol They know it's not real lol

Also just because you're waiting till marriage, doesn't mean you have to repress all the traits that make you a human (like your curiosity towards sex for example) Nobody is expecting us virgins to be total saints lol Not even God lol You're being way too hard on yourself and placing unnecessary burdens/expectations on yourself. You're a young healthy male who has decided not to have sex until you're married (very honorable) So the way I see it, you should at least get to watch some porn while you're waiting for that special girl to arrive and mesmerize you lol

God is already proud of you!! I know it! :D

You seem like a very thoughtful, moralistic individual.

I mean, just the fact that you are even feeling guilty about watching porn at your age tells me that you are very considerate and kind lol BUT....please know that you don't have to torture yourself like this.....because you're not doing anything wrong....okk?? :(

lol You're going to be fine.

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Well I guess I have been to hard on myself. It helps to have all of your insights and I feel alot better. Thank you all. I would like to expcially thank altan and ian you two have lited me up tremendeously. Ian knowing your situation has restored the hope I once had. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

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i'm very glad to read your note. never be afraid to be uncertain or doubt - and then to use this group to sound it out. :-) if i can ever help i am a PM away :-)

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Hey buddy, first off kudos to you for admitting this. To yourself, to God, and to us that you have a problem, that's not easy to do at all.

Now, onto the (hopefully) encourageing words and advice. Truth is, this is something that does hurt you. And after a while it starts to become habit. This is something that does get into your mind, and it starts to become an automatic outlet.

Now as far as a girl who will understand this, if she truely cares about you, she will understand. And if you care about her, you will do all you can to stop this. Obviously there's guilt there for all the lost time. You feel like it's wasted. Well, you can never get that back. BUT, if you take that feeling of guilt, you can use it and turn it into a positive change in your life. You can take it and say "Yeah, I messed up big time, and I wish I can have that time back but I can't. So i'll use this feeling of guilt to help change my ways."

Obviously all of this is easier said than done, it always is. But tell yourself that this is not something for you. Even though you wanna watch it, you want to improve yourself even more. This will truely show your future lady how much you really do wanna wait for her. This is something that will take hard work, and serious determination to kick this habit of addiction. It will be a journey, but focus on the positives. You will be able to use your time more productively, you will be even more into your WTM cuz you are trying your best to save everything you have, including your eyes.

Now if you wanna try and stop, it will bring you frustration, and some doubt, and lots of emotions, but I promise you it will be worth the fight. To be able to get passed this, and focus the time on something else. If I think of anything else i'll let you know. For now I wish you the best in this and I know it'll be really hard, but you can do it. This will draw you that much closer to God cuz you will need to rely on him. Take care and feel free to pm if you need. :)

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Thanky you kendra for your support. You were right about everything you said I couldn't agree more. I am very greatful to have all of you support me during these tribulations.

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Alex,

I just wanted to say that you really strike me as being a stand-up, honest, honorable guy. I think that your future wife will be lucky to have you, and I believe that God will help you work through your struggles with pornography. Continue seeking out support, and find a few good guys who can be accountability partners for you. Find other ways to occupy your time when the temptation to watch porn hits, so that you get in the habit of saying "no" rather than "yes." Also, seek out wisdom from others who have struggled with this addiction and learned to manage it. You are not the first guy to stumble, and you will not be the last, but I believe that maybe God will use your experiences someday to help you speak to others on this topic. Be of good faith! And remember, God has forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. Don't lay your burdens and pain at the foot of the cross only to pick them back up again. Pray often, especially when you are tempted, and trust God to be bigger than your addiction.

As for the feelings of hopelessness, I can definitely relate. The frightening statistics, combined with some personal disappointments in my romantic life, have certainly been discouraging. I often wonder if God even plans for me to marry. But I can't give up on the idea of love, no matter how I may be tempted, because I have grown up with a wonderful example of love: my parents, who were high-school sweethearts, whose relationship survived a long-distance living arrangement, who waited five years together for marriage, and who have stood by each other through thick and thin for the last twenty-nine years as husband and wife. Looking at them, I know that love does exist. It may not be in store for me, but it does exist.

It will all be okay in the end. And if it is not okay, then it is not the end yet!

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Thanks WW for your words of encouragement. I believe if you still have desires to marry then it will happen. Great point there when you say I need to forgive myself. I have been doing alot better latley thanks to you guys and also by God's guidance. Its true that I must learn that I am forgiven and that no sin is too big to not be covered by God's grace. I will keep fighting and also I will keep you in my prayers.

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I learned something from this experience. I have been doing alot of reading of the scripture and praying and I have been brought to new knowledge. I was beating myself up because of my addiction and thought God would deny me a marriage because of things I do (other things I do other than viewing porn). Then I thought this morning while praying, why would God deny me a marriage when he did not deny me the best relationship man can have? A relationship with God through Jesus. Not saying I am gauranteed a marriage, but that the reason for me possibly never marrying will not be because of my deeds. it may seem like a ''no-duh!'' kind of moment to some of you (lol) but I am still spiritually immature I would say.

I see that Ian said I already have an important relationship (a relationship with God). Right now I am seeing the importance of this relationship and it probably took looking at my sins to realise this. Im oh so very greatful to God. Thought I would come back to share this with you all and thanks again.

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