Alex

Your thoughts on "Reclaimed virginity"

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So I've known several people in my life who at one point or another claimed they are "reclaimed virgins". What this means is they had sex and for one reason or another decided to reclaim their virginity. Most of them were because the relationship ended. Most stated they were going to to wait until marriage to have sex again.

My question is what do you think about people who claim they "reclaimed virgins"? Also are there any people on here that consider themselves "reclaimed virgins" or celibate? I think it would be cool to get a perspective from that side also.

For me personally, I don't like it. I prefer that people who have had sex, but decide to wait until marriage to have it again use the term celibate. This is just personal preference. No matter what each person decides to call themselves I applaud them for making this commitment and sticking to it.

The reason I don't like the term "reclaimed virgin" is because it makes the word virgin seem almost worthless. It is like all the sex before that doesn't count, it was only a trial run. It makes those people seem like they are the same as me, a pure virgin, especially because most I've know call themselves straight up virgins rather than reclaimed virgin. You would never know they were reclaimed unless you knew them. I also think that it gives off the notion to others that it is okay to have sex, you can reclaim your virginity. I've noticed that some of my friends have started to think in this context, give it a try to see what you missing, then reclaim. Also, some of my friends failed at WTM the second time. I know that is because they reclaimed their virginity, but they didn't also make a commitment to WTM. That is why I like the term celibate better. To me celibacy is making that commitment to wait. To me it also says a lot about that person. It tells me that they are strong enough to admit to a past mistake, while making a commitment to not make it again.

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For me personally, I don't like it. I prefer that people who have had sex, but decide to wait until marriage to have it again use the term celibate.

My feelings exactly.

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I've never heard of this, I've heard the term born again virgin, it doesn't bother me what people themselves, if I was dating someone we would have a detailed talk about anything they/I have done, so even if they called themselves a virgin, but weren't fully, I'd know. I don't see it as my business someone who I'm not dating's "virginity status"

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Well in the end it doesn't really matter as long ad they're waiting now sure it doesn't make sense but as long as they tell who ever they end up with there past it should be fine.

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I personally don't have any issue with the phrase.

Like TGWW, I've never heard 'reclaimed virginity', but have heard of 'born again virgin'. I would actually feel somewhat sanctimonious if I expressed having issue with the phrase. No one is perfect...if a person has gone against his/her religion by having pre-marital sex, he/she can be forgiven, and "reclaim" their virginity. If the choice is not based on religion, then this really wouldn't apply.

I don't think that this takes away from the meaning of being a 'true' virgin. If a person who is not a virgin is honest with a prospective significant other, that's all that matters. That's really the only person who needs to know. It's really no one else's business, except the person who they will eventually be sleeping with after marriage.

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Once your virginity is gone, you can't get it back. I hate this "born again virgin" stuff. If you've had sex, you're not a virgin. Not even getting the surgery to put your hymen back in will make you a virgin because it can't erase that you've still had sex. I strongly admire those who choose to stop having sex and abstain until marriage, I just don't like the "reclaiming virginity" and "born again virgin" terms.

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Yeah, I think I prefer the term "reclaimed/secondary purity", since it's more accurate.

xxx

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I don't like it, and it's actually a big gripe of mine.

First of all, there's no such thing. If you've had sex, that's it, you're no longer a virgin. That's exactly why people care about it so much--once you give it away, you can't get it back.

Second, it makes virginity seem easier than it actually is. You gave it away and you've come to dislike it? You just "reclaim" it. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. You only get one first time.

Although I respect those who are waiting despite not having waited in the past, because it's a very hard thing to stop once you have started, doing so does not make you a "reclaimed virgin", it makes you a non-virgin who is now waiting.

Basically, what Sophie said.

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Ahhh this! Yeah, I'm not okay with the term "reclaimed virgin." I give the utmost respect to these people, though, because I can't even imagine how difficult it has to be to stop having sex/sexual relations when you've already experienced it and know how awesome it is. But please, don't call yourself a virgin. You aren't. Sorry, plain and simple.

Haha it's kind of funny, but I've always thought of giving (I don't like the term "losing virginity" because you didn't lose it... You shared it) virginity as the Pringles motto "Once you pop, the fun don't stop!" That's kind of raunchy haha but really... Can you imagine what it'd be like trying to put the lid back on those chips? Noooooo! Hahahah. So I've got respect for them, but it seems almost like a mockery of us true virgins by calling them virgins when they really aren't. No disrespect at all, and I applaud their efforts to save what's left of themselves until marriage... But let's just call a spade a spade and leave it at that.

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I don't buy into it. They can be perfectly fine people, but they are not virgins. I'm not going to lose any sleep over people calling themsleves a "reclaimed virgin" or a "born-again virgin," but I will not believe that they are a virgin.

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Not a virgin, and I use the term celibate. I personally don't want any confusion when it comes to my sexual past and my decision to be celibate. I do think there is a certain idea you get when someone uses "reclaimed virgin" or "second purity" to describe her/his decision to wait until marriage. 

 

Side Bar: There is a certain smugness that comes with someone who has maintained their virginity vs those that decided to be celibate after having sex, and I think that's why people like using the term "reclaimed virginity." For me, my choice to have sex before marriage is a choice that I have to deal with, and dressing it up in certain terms doesn't change the past.

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I don't buy into it. They can be perfectly fine people, but they are not virgins. I'm not going to lose any sleep over people calling themsleves a "reclaimed virgin" or a "born-again virgin," but I will not believe that they are a virgin.

 

Agree 100%. And I've been wondering for a while now...what does your username stand for?

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I think people should be real. Virginity is not something you get back. 

 

I had a girl once tell me she was waiting till marriage too. I explained to her that it was good to hear, and it was so hard to find, and then she said "Oh, um, maybe I should clarify..."

 

No bueno.

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You cannot reclaim virginity. You can be celibate and decide to wait, which is awesome, but that doesn't make you a virgin. It also annoys me because I've had to work to maintain my "status" why should they get to call themselves the title when they didn't put in the work?

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Look I feel you can't get somethings back once they are gone; sometimes once its gone its gone for good. I feel this is the case with virginity. You either are a virgin (i.e. had no form of sexual realtionship with anyone) or your not a  virgin. I tend not to say celibate in public amongest friends,but guess I could use that term, rather I just prefer to just say Waiting Till Marriage. However if this question arises in a relationship setting then I would explain the nauture of my re-commintment to WTM.

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Reclaiming virginity (and WTM) is a CHOICE (hence the word "reclaimed").  A "virgin" is NOT equal to a "reclaimed virgin" and the terms are not interchangeable. 

Having sex is not necessarily a mistake.  It is okay to prize virginity, but do not do so at the expense of nonvirgins. 

Mike uses the term "reclaimed virgin" in his article/s.  That's where I heard it first.  According to Mike's articles, WTM is about the choice and the coinciding values.

Reminder: This is a WTM forum.   Not a pro-virgin forum (as in negating the waiting nonvirgin).  Please let me know if I have been misinformed about that.

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I've been thinking about this for a few days. On the one hand, if it makes a non-virgin feel better about themselves to give themselves the title "reclaimed virgin" then why not. However, perhaps the ideal would be to feel comfortable with yourself without having to alter the definition of words. Why not just accept that you're not a virgin and look at it as a present commitment to wait until marriage? The latter would be accurate. And it sounds quite noble to me and authentic. 

 

And are you sending the right message when you use the term "reclaimed virgin"? If you believe people should wait until marriage and you tell them you're a "reclaimed virgin" isn't that sending mixed messages? If you suggest to others that if you lose your virginity but can subsequently reclaim it, how much is that going to motivate people to stay virgins until marriage? Conversely, if you tell people that there is no such thing as a "reclaimed virgin" and that once it's gone it's totally gone I think that will motivate people far more to actually wait till marriage.  Or at the very least, to not give away their virginity as easily. It seems to me the more you emphasize the true nature and value of virginity the less likely people and society are to take it lightly. 

 

Then again... I can't see anyone taking the "reclaimed virgin" seriously (but some may I guess). The very term seems to lack integrity. In the end... I think it's better and healthier to let go of the need to be a virgin than to try to change the definition of words so that you feel comfortable. The former has more integrity in my opinion.

 

I would add that virgins and non-virgins have the same value, but that doesn't mean that virginity is without inherent value. Further, that also doesn't mean that guys or girls who will only date or marry virgins are problematic. That's merely a preference and we all have them. No preference is problematic. It's just what we as individuals want for reasons that are important to us.

 

So perhaps the greatest problem of all is that someone would even feel the desire to call themselves a "reclaimed virgin". Since non-virgins and virgins are equally precious, why even use this term?

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Definitions for clarity:

Virgin- Someone who has never had sex before (hopefully a choice but could be for lack of getting a date)

Reclaimed virgin- Someone who has had sex but is now waiting until marriage (a choice)

We do NOT have to use these terms due to the controversy presented, but these are the definitions.

 

(One can not literally reclaim virginity, but I once thought that was too obvious to state.)


 

And are you sending the right message when you use the term "reclaimed virgin"? If you believe people should wait until marriage and you tell them you're a "reclaimed virgin" isn't that sending mixed messages? If you suggest to others that if you lose your virginity but can subsequently reclaim it, how much is that going to motivate people to stay virgins until marriage? Conversely, if you tell people that there is no such thing as a "reclaimed virgin" and that once it's gone it's totally gone I think that will motivate people far more to actually wait till marriage.  Or at the very least, to not give away their virginity as easily. It seems to me the more you emphasize the true nature and value of virginity the less likely people and society are to take it lightly.

IAG, whoever said the reclaimed virgin minimizes the value of virginity? It would be fallacious to motivate others to keep their virginity by shaming nonvirgins.

You guys should really start up a Virgin Pride website.

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I have honestly never had a problem with someone saying they were a "reclaimed virgin" or a "born-again virgin." It is not like there are a lot of other good terms out there as options to describe the phenomenon. Yes, one can use long-winded description filled with lots of adjectives, like "a non-virgin who is choosing to wait until marriage from this point forward," but those don't exactly role of the tongue. We need a term, a good simple noun, and for the time being, for general purposes, "reclaimed virgin" or "born-again virgin" are the best for conveying the message of being committed to purity despite having lost one's virginity. It is an honest, clear expression. The term says, "Yes, I have had sex. But I have moved beyond that, sought as much restoration of purity as possible, and am now seeking to remain pure."

 

I think that non-virgins who are now committed to waiting can be a great motivation for others to wait. They have the experience to be able to say, "I did it the other way, and I feel that this way is better." They can speak on all of the downsides to sex outside of marriage from a personal perspective.

 

I find it rare for non-virgins to drop the words "reclaimed" or "born-again" and simply call themselves "virgins." I know it does happen, but the non-virgins on this website have all been marvelously brave and wonderfully honest, and they make it clear that they have had sex in the past, whether or not they choose to call themselves "reclaimed virgins" now. But even if a non-virgin does drop the "reclaimed" or "born-again" and just call themselves a virgin, why is that really any of our business? Unless we are in a romantic relationship with someone, their virginity should not be our concern.

 

Going at this from a religious perspective for a moment, the church is made of sinners, but the Bible says that we will be presented to Christ as a "pure virgin." When we seek Christ, we are redeemed, and we are made clean from sin. If God loves the idea of redemption and second chances enough to send Jesus to die for us, why do we so often dislike the idea of others being redeemed? I won't post Matthew 20:1-16 in its entirety, but I think it is really pertinent to this situation. A lot of virgin waiters, like the workers who started their efforts early in the morning, can't stand to see non-virgins, like the workers who started their work at the end of the day, getting the same reward as them. The virgins have been waiting since the beginning, but the non-virgins only just recently started; it doesn't seem fair for them to be treated the same. Well, no, my friends. It is not fair. It is grace. It is the nature of the kingdom of heaven. Why must we be so different here on earth?

 

Virginity does have special value. It is an additional blessing upon a marriage. It provides a wonderful peace from not having any consequences, emotional and physical, to deal with. It means a couple can experience the blessings of becoming "one flesh" for the first time together. It represents years of dedication to a goal. But many people unfortunately think of their virginity less as a gift and a blessing, and more as a point of pride, as something that makes them morally superior to everyone who has had sex. We must guard ourselves against this kind of thinking, for it breeds arrogance.

 

Waiting until marriage has many benefits for non-virgins as well. Reclaiming one's virginity, or whatever one decides to call the process, means coming to terms with one's past, working through any regrets one has, fighting daily temptations that are often enhanced from having actually experienced the pleasures of sex, and having to find a place in a world that doesn't have a specific place for you. You are not having sex, so people who are find you odd and question your motives, but you are not a virgin, so many virgins do not accept you either, unfortunately, and do not value your efforts and struggles as highly as your own. This is one of the most difficult paths to walk, and the people in this life who wear the title "reclaimed virgin" often have too little respect and support from people around them. Reclaiming one's purity and choosing to live henceforth as a virgin requires a lot of strength of character and helps to develop even more.

 

I should hate to think that this community, usually so supportive, would make non-virgins feel unwelcome when they share our common goal of celibacy. This website is called "Waiting For Marriage," not "Virgins 'R Us," yet time and again I have seen non-virgins bashed and treated like second-class citizens. We should be building them up instead, supporting them in their choice, and letting them know we do see value in their efforts of reclaiming their purity.

 

Why should we even care what someone calls themselves? I am not so insecure in the value of my decision to wait, and in the gift of my virginity, that I will let a term another person uses to describe themselves make me feel less awesome. I know I'm awesome for preserving my virginity. I don't need the world to tell me that I'm awesome too.

 

Yes, virgins are amazing, but so are all others who, regardless of decisions they've made in the past, choose this difficult path.

 

Okay, rant temporarily over. Getting off of soapbox, and going to hide in the shadows now, ready to dodge the rotten tomatoes that I am sure will soon be directed my way. I love all of you, and I hope that if I offended you, you will still consider my words and will find the true spirit of them, which is to hurt, not to harm, and will forgive me of anything that angered you.

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@WanderingWashington

Round of applause. Eloquent. Well thought out. Backed with evidence. Unbiased. Said with kindness. Standing ovation.

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i have to say I commend everyone for giving this topic as truly serious and thoughtful a thread as it has taken.  This is a bit more of a divisive topic than most... and it poses a bit of inner turmoil and conflict i think for almost everyone in one form or another... becuase it challenges us to think about what our own status is, despite the fact that what we all have in common is waiting till marriage.  So the core value that everything else is based off is in common... but our own status (virgin or not) the status of a potential dating partner (virgin or not), and the preference we have as to what the status of that dating partner is in comparison to our own...   

 

I know many of you are very focused on your desire to marry someone who shares the value and the same status (virgin only) - I personally respect each of you with the sense of personal commitment you want to share at full 100% with a special person in your life.  But I also personally respect each of you who has for similar but different reasons decided that the individual's status is less the issue for you, than is their reason for waiting at this point.  As a Biblical reference, it's almost a bit of Prodigal Son for you I think...  the good son returning to the fold after having been away, and the degree to which his (or her) decision alters the way you think about them... 

 

We all welcome each other here enormously.  There are large arms here to grasp and virtually hug each new member, each new guest, each new person who checks out the site.  And those arms are offered by everyone regardless of their answer on the what's-your-status question.  I think that's the way it should be for certain.

 

but our individual decisions about virgin or not should of course be equally respected and allowed for...  knowing that as with almost everything in life, people come from different perspectives and have differing levels of openness to whther their choice is made and never changed, made and flexible, made and fully changed.  

 

so i really applaud everyone on here for giving it the thought that is evident in people grappling with whether or not being a "reclaimed virgin" makes sense to them...  and whether that is acceptable to your individual sense of who you want to be with - versus accepted and embraced as a fellow human being.

 

I just encourage eveyrone to stay open on this... open to who the person is in all senses... including the choice they made willfully or haphazardly, and the choice they made to make a different choice moving forward.

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You cannot reclaim virginity. You can be celibate and decide to wait, which is awesome, but that doesn't make you a virgin. It also annoys me because I've had to work to maintain my "status" why should they get to call themselves the title when they didn't put in the work?

This is how I feel. To me it’s a bit annoying but nothing I would go crazy over. If you have had sex then you are not a virgin, and realistically, you can get it back or “reclaim†it. I have encountered religious people that have told me that they have reclaimed their virginity, but that stuff is all just…bleh. Not trying to attack or belittle anyone but if you lost it, get real, you can’t get it back. If someone went out and killed people in cold blood, then didn't kill anyone for years and vowed never to do it again could they called themselves a “born-again innocent,†or say that they have “reclaimed†their innocence? I’m not talking about religious notions of forgiveness or reclamation. That example might be a little extreme, but yeah. If you decided to wait now but are not a virgin, then that’s good, but you’re not a virgin anymore, you are practicing sexual abstinence.

 

Wow, I sound really mean, but whatever. 

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@Wondering Washingtonian

Thank you so so much for posting this. I actually had a conversation almost exactly like this with Dasboy1 after reading this post. Honestly I was too afraid to say anything on here because I felt I would be judged.

I am not a virgin and I do not use the term "born again" or "reclaimed" virgin, just because I don't feel it necessary for myself, but if someone has decided to take a huge and very hard step by deciding to stop having sex until they're married why not give them the reward of being able to call themselves that? They are in no way calling themselves a pure virgin by saying that, and as you said the term itself shows they messed up before but have made a decision to change.

What really bothered me about this thread is that some people were talking about people using this term was downplaying their accomplishment of waiting so long, but by saying they have no right to call themselves that aren't you downplaying their accomplishment to stop? I feel like this bothering some people is like saying you are better than me because you waited and I messed up. You don't know what was in my past that caused that (not that that is an excuse) but many people who have sex outside of marriage have had terrible traumatic events happen to them that made them feel they had to do that to feel accepted or loved.

I know virginity is something very special and should be cherished. I don't think that just because you are a virgin you are any better of a person than anyone else in this world. Everyone is equal.

I have sort of held back in this little rant because like i said i feel judged. Even by just reading some of these posts i feel judged and i feel like alot of people think that i am less of a person then they are just because i made a mistake in life.

I have actually been getting on the site less because as he put it I feel like this is "Virgins 'R Us." Any more I just feel depressed getting on here because I feel unwelcome because I feel it is thought that I'm not equal because I'm not a virgin.

I hope that I didn't offend anyone but I needed to express how hurt I was by reading this. I'm actually debating on weather or not to try and delete this post because i feel like everyone will be mad at me..... I guess I'll just leave it for now and if it causes too much trouble I'll remove it. End of rant for me as well. Again i say sorry.

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All I want to say is, that it saddens me immensely that this site apparently got to a point, where some members feel judged and are afraid to say something or to participate in a thread.

When you go to the homepage of this site, it welcomes you with the words:

"Hi Friend! Are you waiting on sex? You´re not alone anymore."

It does not say "Hi Friend! Are you a virgin and waiting on sex? You´re not alone anymore."

This site is for people who wait on sex. No matter if they had sex before or not.

So far, I always saw people being very supportive on this site towards non-virgins or even giving them much respect to make the effort to change their ways and start all over again to begin their "waiting journey".

Sure, this site should be a place for discussion, so disagreements are totally normal to occur and that´s what makes discussions interesting most of the time. People are different with different opinions and preferences. This is good and fine and life.

It just saddens me to think that some members feel bashed or looked down on.

 

I always liked the non-judgemental atmosphere on this site. That´s actually one reason why I joined in the first place.

And I think, that bashing non-virgins (especially non-virgins who now want to wait) was the very least thing of all Mike created this site for.

We should unite and support eachother in our decision to wait on sex and not make eachother feel inferior or superior.

I think it is actually a strength of this site, that it brings people together with so many different backgrounds and pasts.

So let´s celebrate our differences, learn from each other and support eachother in our common journey and goal

(which is waiting on sex).

 

Just my humble opinion...

Have a good day y´all.

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I am not a virgin and I do not use the term "born again" or "reclaimed" virgin, just because I don't feel it necessary for myself, but if someone has decided to take a huge and very hard step by deciding to stop having sex until they're married why not give them the reward of being able to call themselves that? They are in no way calling themselves a pure virgin by saying that, and as you said the term itself shows they messed up before but have made a decision to change.

 

We are not at all judging those who didn't wait, and then chose to. If anything, we really respect people like that and we're really glad they chose this path. Most of us, if not all, couldn't care less if a non-virgin is waiting. What most of us don't like are the terms "reclaimed virgin" and "born-again virgin" because we all firmly believe (and let's face it, it's completely true) that virginity can't come back. Ever. Not even after 50 years of celibacy. We're not saying that makes the person wrong. No way are we saying that. We are saying that makes the terms wrong. They're very inaccurate. They make no more sense than a virgin saying, "I had sex in a dream last night so I'm not a virgin anymore." But again, we really respect those who make the decision to wait later on in life, and we don't judge them. We are strictly talking about the words "reclaimed virgin" and "born-again virgin." That is all. I genuinely believe no one on this forum was speaking out against people who have become celibate, and no offense or judgement was intended. This is a very supportive forum, and I am sorry if this thread hurt your feelings. There have been threads that have offended me as well on certain topics (different than this one,) but difference of opinion is always present here and it is hard not to get into an argument with a member at least once. That's very normal (happened to me like 10 times so far. lol.)

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