truelovewaits

Peer pressure

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Has anyone allowed peer pressure to sway them away from their decision to wtm? The points that some of my 'friends' tried to drive home were a) you are never going to get the perfect partner, someone who I would be both both mentally and physically attracted to and there are no guarantees with relationships so long as you are attracted to the person in one aspect and you are both adults why not be opportunistic while the opportunity is there? Also people would try to drive home to me the point about sex being a natural need that I shouldn't be ashamed of and suppress because it could have potential ramifications. Personally, not waiting till marriage to me is just an excuse to have different partners, it makes people disposable and is something I really despise and resent. I'll never get how anyone with any self respect can have sex without a commitment. I think people with low self esteem tend to just be grateful that they are getting someone to have sex with them that they don't even care if the person cares for them emotionally or not. They don't care if that person the next day is having sex with someone else where as someone with self esteem would.

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a) you are never going to get the perfect partner, someone who I would be both both mentally and physically attracted to

This isn't true, if it were there wouldn't be marriages that have lasted 50+ years :)!

there are no guarantees with relationships so long as you are attracted to the person in one aspect and you are both adults why not be opportunistic while the opportunity is there?

Sure, lots of people do this, but people who are WTM realize how powerful and amazing sex is and that it is the best when you share it with one person for life. Then, it just gets better and better. Do they really think it is comfortable having to have a "first time" with X number of people? Seems really nerve racking to me.

Also people would try to drive home to me the point about sex being a natural need that I shouldn't be ashamed of and suppress because it could have potential ramifications.

It is a natural drive, but I wouldn't say it is a need. You won't die if you don't have it and I don't think there are any ramifications of suppressing it while WTM. When is the last time you heard anyone say,"Oh, so and so didn't have sex and they died!" Hehe, what a funny argument. No one should be ashamed of it because it is part of what makes us human.

Personally, not waiting till marriage to me is just an excuse to have different partners, it makes people disposable and is something I really despise and resent. I'll never get how anyone with any self respect can have sex without a commitment. I think people with low self esteem tend to just be grateful that they are getting someone to have sex with them that they don't even care if the person cares for them emotionally or not. They don't care if that person the next day is having sex with someone else where as someone with self esteem would.

I agree :)! It is sad what some people will do to feel loved! I am sorry that you are getting this peer pressure, I never did, but my friends agreed that WTM was the right thing to do. If they start debating with you about it too much and can't respect your decision, even after you explain to them all the valid reasons you are waiting, I hope you will start hanging around with some different people.

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a) you are never going to get the perfect partner, someone who I would be both both mentally and physically attracted to and there are no guarantees with relationships so long as you are attracted to the person in one aspect and you are both adults why not be opportunistic while the opportunity is there?

They're right, there's no such thing as a "perfect partner." There is however, a perfect partner for you. That is going to be different for everyone and it is very possible to find someone who you find attractive in every way. You should never settle for anything less. What your friends are doing is playing on your fear of possibility missing out and to settle for the nearest opportunity available, even if the opportunity isn't that great.

Also people would try to drive home to me the point about sex being a natural need that I shouldn't be ashamed of and suppress because it could have potential ramifications.

Natural drives are not always good or beneficial to act upon. It's natural for me to want to punch someone in the face for cutting me off on the road but it wouldn't be good to act upon it. Choosing to wait has nothing to do with shame, it's about recognizing the true value and dangers of sex if not handled carefully. Even with the number of STD's and teen pregnancies around, people still do not understand the seriousness of these consequences. If something were to happen, you can kiss your dreams, careers and possibly your genitals goodbye.

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Thanks so much Kailey and Envincebal for the support! Envincebal I died laughing when I read your post. I mentioned here that I live in a liberal city and I feel like a unicorn sometimes. I think some of my peers meant well, it probably saddened them to see me alone and it seemed needless to them perhaps. From age 29-30 I began to feel very influenced by my peers who were implying that I lived in a dream world and was doing damage to myself by holding out for marriage. So I went online and ended up getting to know 2 guys in that time frame because I was feeling like such an outsider and I was seriously questioning everything I believed in. The negative experiences interacting with them were so jarring that they made me more adamant about wtm, making me more secure as I got older about my decision ironically enough!

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you can kiss your dreams, careers and possibly your genitals goodbye

I literally lol'd at that last part haha. I don't like the sound of that...

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I literally lol'd at that last part haha. I don't like the sound of that...

Haha, really?? My response was :o NNOOO!!!

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It's really frightening when you think about std's which you have to worry about when you deal with someone who has had multiple partners. A friend of mine got HPV in college which turned into precancerous cells in her cervix and ended up needing a procedure to scrape away those cells and was told she might not be able to have kids. HPV oddly doesn't nearly affect men as much as women; you hear far more about cases of cervical cancer than you ever do penile cancer. It's almost as if nature punishes women more for being promiscuous or not choosing a non-promiscuous partner.

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I saw a report on ABC News about men getting oral and throat cancers caused by HPV :unsure:. So, I guess it is "evened" out that way, unfortunately.

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I agree :)! It is sad what some people will do to feel loved! I am sorry that you are getting this peer pressure, I never did, but my friends agreed that WTM was the right thing to do. If they start debating with you about it too much and can't respect your decision, even after you explain to them all the valid reasons you are waiting, I hope you will start hanging around with some different people.

A few years ago, after being convinced that I would never meet a virgin my own age who was normal because of peer brainwashing I decided that if I came across a guy that wasn't a virgin that I would not exclude him and that is my biggest regret ever. One particular guy, was looking for someone to settle down with but because he was used to promiscuous women, he couldn't believe that I was a virgin at 29. I was naive and in a million years it didn't occur to me that someone could be evil enough to justify messing with me emotionally to be able to draw the conclusions they needed in order to decide if I was decent or 'just another whore' or 'just another doormat'. This experience of being 'tested' by a guy happened with two different guys I had gotten to know in the time span of two years so it was ultimately a sign from God and made me realize that I should have just stuck to my guns and only dealt with wtm men. My lack of faith resulted in me having to endure much psychological trauma. In one 'test', which was ostensibly to test my self esteem, one particular guy after a few months of talking to him,nonchalantly asked me if i would mind if he had a physical relationship with someone else since we had a long-distance thing going. Instead of being disgusted and cutting off contact I tried to reason with him that I was worth waiting for and that's because I felt that I had Invested so much of my heart and soul talking to him that it became my mission to convince him to wait for me. A wtm guy would have never put me through such an ordeal! Had I had sex with him I am sure that attachment to this psycho would have been a million times stronger making it impossible for me to remove him from my life. Non-virgins like to make wtmers the butt of their jokes by saying things like, don't ever date a virgin, they will cling and cling and cling. Who needs to be with someone who can't appreciate you and views you ilike that? You really cannot compromise your principles ever because you'll just end up trying to appease someone else with their principles. Looking back I really see now how brainwashed I was that people could see me being a virgin at almost 30 as a litmus test for being too naive or living in a dream world or having many things 'wrong with me'.

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I saw a report on ABC News about men getting oral and throat cancers caused by HPV :unsure:. So, I guess it is "evened" out that way, unfortunately.

I've read that too actually. One study done in the Scandinavian countries showed how rampant throat/oral cancers are now due to HPV.

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I am the only one of my friends who believes in WTM. I am the only one of my online friends who believes in WTM.

This is my test, this is my conviction, this is my path.

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I am the only one of my friends who believes in WTM. I am the only one of my online friends who believes in WTM.

This is my test, this is my conviction, this is my curse.

I have to correct you and say that WTM is not a curse. It's a choice, and by choosing this we are literally taking control of this part of our lives. We are choosing this road before we do something we will regret later, that seems more like a blessing than a curse to me...

Edit: Just my opinion Stabler :)

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Does anyone else think that there is a lot of peer pressure put on young people to have sexual relationships?

I was just thinking about this today.

I'm only 16, but I definitely feel like there is a lot of pressure put on young people to include sex in their relationships. It probably doesn't help that we're surrounded by media that promotes sex, from a very young age.

I was thinking to myself... well, I'm in a relationship, but I'm not having sex in it. We'll make out, but we won't have sex. At age 16, I would much prefer to have a cheesy, teenagey relationship, based on cute love letters and infinite friendship, being cheesily romantic, going out on cute dates, or just curled up on the sofa watching the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. box set... without having to be dealing with having sex at a young age.

Most people I know who have lost their virginity, lost it at around 15. FIFTEEN. From now on, sex will be a massive influence in their future relationships (and thus lives). I think that's sorta sad. There's other ways you can be having relationships while you're in high school.

Even if I wasn't going to wait all the way to marriage, I can wait until I'm in my twenties at least to even start thinking about sexual relationships. I take that as a good thing.

Basically the point of my ramblings is that I think there is so much pressure on young people to have sex, not only by their peers, but by the media and etc.

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Does anyone else think that there is a lot of peer pressure put on young people to have sexual relationships?

I was just thinking about this today.

I'm only 16, but I definitely feel like there is a lot of pressure put on young people to include sex in their relationships. It probably doesn't help that we're surrounded by media that promotes sex, from a very young age.

I was thinking to myself... well, I'm in a relationship, but I'm not having sex in it. We'll make out, but we won't have sex. At age 16, I would much prefer to have a cheesy, teenagey relationship, based on cute love letters and infinite friendship, being cheesily romantic, going out on cute dates, or just curled up on the sofa watching the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. box set... without having to be dealing with having sex at a young age.

Most people I know who have lost their virginity, lost it at around 15. FIFTEEN. From now on, sex will be a massive influence in their future relationships (and thus lives). I think that's sorta sad. There's other ways you can be having relationships while you're in high school.

Even if I wasn't going to wait all the way to marriage, I can wait until I'm in my twenties at least to even start thinking about sexual relationships. I take that as a good thing.

Basically the point of my ramblings is that I think there is so much pressure on young people to have sex, not only by their peers, but by the media and etc.

Yeah, I understand and agree. It's like the media and society is telling teenagers that they need to hurry up and grow up by having sex. That's just wrong. Everyone grows at their own pace. And being a teenager means finding who you are, finding your identity in this world, learning about the world we live in. People need to realize that it takes time, it takes reflection, thinking, etc to learn what we are to become and actually become it. Having sex would just put a wall in the way of all that.

It hinders our growth into individuality because it tries to tell us what we should be. But that outlook on how we should be may not necessarily be the best for us. They tell us to go with the crowd cuz it's popular, hence giving product(E.g.contraception, ) company's more money.

It's sad, but it seems to be more about the money, even if it means hindering the development any moral standards. Do people not realize that these teenagers are going to be the one's in charge when the last generation is on longer alive??

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I think peer pressure has had very little influence on my life. In high school, I wasn't one of the football studs. In college, I wasn't one of the frat guys partying to unconsciousness every weekend. Then during my career, I didn't get to socialize that much. Regarding the guy who couldn't believe you were still waiting at 29, I really think that WTM people need to disregard all numbers and statistics related to ages - especially those put out by our liberal media. This is especially true if you have faith that God is in control of your life. I think the age and gender stereotypes are two of the bigges issues that need to be addressed on this forum. Since I'm 51, a lot of people would probably put me in the one in several million category. Whatever. They'd probably tell you that you have a better chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a WTM guy that age. So everywhere you go, always have that possibility in the back of your mind, no matter how remote it may sound. And if the subject of waiting comes up in a discussion with anybody, boldly proclaim your decision to wait. If doubters get in your way, just move them over to the side and keep moving down the highway.

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Statistics are so nerve wracking. I am nearing 40 slowly and they say that at 40 your chance of having kids is 1%. I wanted to wait so that I could have a trusting relationship and family but sometimes it seems like a moot point to be a virgin at 40 if your dream was always to have a family life. It's no wonder I was feeling desperate at around 30. It's like you want to assure that trusting relationship between you and your spouse and pass your values down to your kids that's the whole point. A close cousin of mine told me recently she lost her virginity at 13 and that just blew my mind. I know for a fact it was because her parents never sat her down to explain the value of waiting or the value of anything other than being a selfish slob for that matter to her. Her father cheated on her mother and the mother was in the marriage for the convenience of having a man watch over her.

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Statistics are so nerve wracking. I am nearing 40 slowly and they say that at 40 your chance of having kids is 1%. I wanted to wait so that I could have a trusting relationship and family but sometimes it seems like a moot point to be a virgin at 40 if your dream was always to have a family life. It's no wonder I was feeling desperate at around 30. It's like you want to assure that trusting relationship between you and your spouse and pass your values down to your kids that's the whole point. A close cousin of mine told me recently she lost her virginity at 13 and that just blew my mind. I know for a fact it was because her parents never sat her down to explain the value of waiting or the value of anything other than being a selfish slob for that matter to her. Her father cheated on her mother and the mother was in the marriage for the convenience of having a man watch over her.

My aunty gave birth to a beautiful baby boy when she was perhaps 41 or 42. Statistics may be daunting, but it isn't impossible. You can do it if you have the faith, darling <3

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I was naive and in a million years it didn't occur to me that someone could be evil enough to justify messing with me emotionally to be able to draw the conclusions they needed in order to decide if I was decent or 'just another whore' or 'just another doormat'. This experience of being 'tested' by a guy happened with two different guys I had gotten to know in the time span of two years so it was ultimately a sign from God and made me realize that I should have just stuck to my guns and only dealt with wtm men. My lack of faith resulted in me having to endure much psychological trauma. In one 'test', which was ostensibly to test my self esteem, one particular guy after a few months of talking to him,nonchalantly asked me if i would mind if he had a physical relationship with someone else since we had a long-distance thing going.

Wow! Sorry you had to have those guys in your life. I have noticed (in the POF forum I posted a topic about) that some men, probably who have many "issues," tend to view WTM as a way to control the relationship, or something like that. The thinking is so warped to me it doesn't make sense! I would have told that guy you were talking to, "Sure, sleep with someone else, but you'll never see me again!"

Does anyone else think that there is a lot of peer pressure put on young people to have sexual relationships?

I was just thinking about this today.

I'm only 16, but I definitely feel like there is a lot of pressure put on young people to include sex in their relationships. It probably doesn't help that we're surrounded by media that promotes sex, from a very young age.

Yes, I think there is. I saw a review of the book Premarital Sex in America a little while ago and I think it expresses what you are talking about.

"Today’s premarital sex is typically not pre-marital and may occur pre-relationship or with no-relationship. It almost certainly occurs with a succession of partners, well before marriage enters the picture.

The first few chapters of Premarital Sex provide a candid snapshot of the sexual behaviors of emerging adults—who, what, when and how often. The picture conveys a timeless truth: women are the “gatekeepers†in sexual matters. Men generally want sex far earlier in relationships than do women, so sex begins when women are willing.

But sexual decision-making, the authors contend, occurs not in the “simple arena of conscious choice,†but in the context of two highly influential factors: “sexual scripts†and the sexual marketplace.

The overall sexual ‘economy’ of today creates a transactional environment that favors men. Women, especially well-educated women, outnumber their male counterparts in settings that create pools of unmarried, emerging adults—college, for example.

Gender imbalance drives down the ‘price’ of sex. Women ‘compete’ for men who typically want sex earlier and more often than women do. And the willingness of substantial numbers of women to provide sex in exchange for minimal commitment changes the sexual economy for all women. As a result, the authors say, “[Y]oung women often feel like they have to bargain sex for relational stability.â€

In addition, a variety of ‘sexual scripts’ heavily influence the choices young adults make. What’s a sexual script? It’s a narrative proposed by peers, parents, media, faith, politics, or others that indicates how sexual relationships should unfold. It defines what’s “normal†and what’s not, as well as the expected timing and commitment levels (if any). Often implicit, these scripts strongly influence the sexual decisions of young adults, even when those scripts run counter to the individual’s professed values."

This was also interesting:

"The authors conclude that, “a sustained pattern of serial monogamy – implying a series of failed relationships – hurts women far more than it hurts men.â€

Women, however, often fail to recognize the damage done – to emotional health or their aspirations for real, meaningful commitment. On the contrary, many young women believe that sex will spur greater commitment from a partner. Instead, sex generally destabilizes those relationships, producing uncertainty, insecurity, and even less commitment."

http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/cw/post.php?id=495

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A close cousin of mine told me recently she lost her virginity at 13 and that just blew my mind. I know for a fact it was because her parents never sat her down to explain the value of waiting or the value of anything other than being a selfish slob for that matter to her. Her father cheated on her mother and the mother was in the marriage for the convenience of having a man watch over her.

You are probably absolutely correct. This is a little bit off subject, but I'll mention it. There are indeed many parents who want to pass the responsibility of talking to their kids about sex to someone else or some other group -- a role model, mentor, school, etc. I've always assumed they didn't wait themselves (as you mentioned) and are not qualified or are too embarrassed to talk about it. They complain about there being no role models or positive influences for their children and ship them off to chastity balls, church youth groups, True Love Waits conferences (that I helped get off the ground), Tim Tebow appearances and the like -- hoping that something will be soaked up. I'm just counting the days until I hear: "But mom, he doesn't play football. How can he be a virgin?" However, when someone (noncelebrity) who has waited tries to get involved with a family they don't know and explain the value of waiting to their kids, to prevent things like you described from happening, fingers of accusation start pointing. "I wonder how many times he's been married." I wonder how much alimony he has to pay." "He must be gay." "She's got to be a lesbian." "What is she after." Most older singles (esp guys) are viewed as a "risk" to protect their children from instead of a potential positive influence. They can't see beyond their own pessimism. I've seen this happen many times over the years, not only to myself, but to other Christian WTM men/women who try to help. It's an interesting paradox and a couple of books could probably be written about it. I think a lot comes down to lack of education and lack of insight. I'm working on an article on this subject at the moment and it should be out soon. I know a few ladies in their 60s who are still waiting, one actually pretty well known -- but she wouldn't think about posting anything here. So don't give up hope. Stay true to who you are and, if you have to, take the calendars and clocks off the walls. Miracles can happen when you least expect them.

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However, when someone (noncelebrity) who has waited tries to get involved with a family they don't know and explain the value of waiting to their kids, to prevent things like you described from happening, fingers of accusation start pointing. "I wonder how many times he's been married." I wonder how much alimony he has to pay." "He must be gay." "She's got to be a lesbian." "What is she after." Most older singles (esp guys) are viewed as a "risk" to protect their children from instead of a potential positive influence. They can't see beyond their own pessimism. I've seen this happen many times over the years, not only to myself, but to other Christian WTM men/women who try to help. It's an interesting paradox and a couple of books could probably be written about it. I think a lot comes down to lack of education and lack of insight. I'm working on an article on this subject at the moment and it should be out soon. I know a few ladies in their 60s who are still waiting, one actually pretty well known -- but she wouldn't think about posting anything here. So don't give up hope. Stay true to who you are and, if you have to, take the calendars and clocks off the walls. Miracles can happen when you least expect them.

I had mentioned to a close friend that I felt partly to blame for not butting my head in and having a talk with her because I assumed that her mother would have told her to not have sex before marriage like my mother had. Even more atrocious was the fact that the man she fornicated with was 10 years older and he was a man of the cloth and I am leaving out which religion because I don't want to reinforce stereotypes on here. To make me feel better (I guess) my friend said that it was not my place to educate her and she probably would have paid no mind to my advice and just written me off as a jealous spinster and gone on to fornicate anyway.

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Wow! Sorry you had to have those guys in your life. I have noticed (in the POF forum I posted a topic about) that some men, probably who have many "issues," tend to view WTM as a way to control the relationship, or something like that. The thinking is so warped to me it doesn't make sense! I would have told that guy you were talking to, "Sure, sleep with someone else, but you'll never see me again!"

Yea well you live and you learn (the hard way)

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To make me feel better (I guess) my friend said that it was not my place to educate her and she probably would have paid no mind to my advice and just written me off as a jealous spinster and gone on to fornicate anyway.

If it's a family who really cares about their children, we can make a difference. Most of the ones I talk to personally already know me and are in my church. Just got a thankyou note from a single mom. Her son won't forget the talk we had, even if he lives to be 100.

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