Invincible

How many is "too many" partners?

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So many of us, a sexual past is not a deal breaker provided the other person is committed to WTM. But is there a point where having too many sexual partners is too much for you to overlook? Like if a potential love interest has slept with 10 people or 20 or perhaps many more? How many is too many for you?

The way I see it is when someone bonds with another sexually, they give not just a piece of themselves physically but a piece of their heart as well. It's a piece that you can never take back. When a person has given themselves sexually to so many people, it doesn't feel like they have much left for you since they have spread themselves so thin, so to speak. I will love my future wife with all my heart, sexual past or not. I could get over it if she was with a couple sexual partners. But I don't know if I could personally handle it if she has slept around with many many guys. On paper, I know I should be able to, but I don't know if I could emotionally get over it. I can't put an exact number but the more she has been with, the harder it would be for me.

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Idealistically, I would be able to forgive, and not hold her to it, even if she was extremely promiscuous in the past. I would care about her current views, and not bear a grudge aginst her past.

Realistically, I would probably be extremely hurt at the idea at even one.

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Wow, guys, I think maybe you gotta think practically here. You wouldn't be able to forgive someone if they had had even one sexual partner in the past?

Do none of you guys think you'd be able to look past that?

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Well I'm a girl and I have accepted the truth that the majority of the males in the world have casual sex, whether it's once or numerous times. Personally, I don't see why any guy who enjoys casual sex would ever date a waiter so I don't think I will ever get the chance to date a guy like that. It hurts to know that your partner has had a sexual past when you've waited for them, but it would make me feel a lot better to know that he has only had sex in committed relationships because that shows he values sex and doesn't treat it casually.

As for how many partners is too many, well...I plan on NEVER asking my partner about their sexual past. Quite frankly, it's none of my business.

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How much is too much? Having more partners than me...I kid

On a serious note it really depends on the person. And if they get with me and promise and respect my choice to wait and wait with me, that it doesn't matter; because I can't change the past, I can only accept it and move one.

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Wow, guys, I think maybe you gotta think practically here. You wouldn't be able to forgive someone if they had had even one sexual partner in the past?

Do none of you guys think you'd be able to look past that?

I want to be able to say that I could look past that.

But it's much easier to state that "I would forgive them," in a forum on a WTM message board, as opposed to being in that actual situation, where you would tell the person you love, "I forgive you," while you are containing whatever emotions of jealousy, bitterness, and disappointment you would hear from hearing your partner's sexual past. Does that clarify things a bit?

But as much I can see the potential hurt I could experience, I think I can look past it ; )

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If I love them, and they love me and respect my choice and wait with me then I don't mind, so long as they don't have any STD's. Ideally they would have 2 or less previous partners but what's done is done

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I hate it when people use the argument of having to test compatibility before getting married. It is like they are saying "I love you, you are perfect for me, you have everything I am looking for, and we are going to get married," then they "test" compatibility and all of the sudden they don't want to marry them anymore? It doesn't make any sense. Therefore, I don't feel like I could drop a wonderful man just because he has sexual partners in his past. Would it be great if there weren't any, yes, but I can't imagine letting a man go just because he had sex before. It seems just as stupid as letting someone go just because they are WTM.

Of course, if he is the type to sleep around and have one-night-stands and sleep with someone on a first date, then he most likely isn't the guy for me. A guy like that would probably be weeded out very quickly. Therefore, it is hard to put a number on it, hopefully very low, or the same as the number of long-term relationships he has been in.

Just reread and wanted to say I hope my using the word stupid doesn't offend anyone. I just wonder, if they had slept with a long term partner ONCE because they let things get carried away and never did again, you still wouldn't marry them?

Edited by Kailey
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When I try to think about a maximum number of partners allowed, etc., I can't think of an answer that makes logical sense except zero. Okay, I know this is not a perfect analogy, but I'll give it a shot: In mathematical terms, I'm not even sure what variables to include for one identify. In other words, if the equation is John = X partners accepted, I'm not sure what variables to plug in for John to arrive at the correct number. My age? Number of girl friends I've had? Religion? I can't think of common variables that would be true for everybody. And it seems like something this fundamental about human nature would have common variables. That confirms that the correct answer for me is zero. And it always has been. If I know the problem is not solveable beforehand, I will default to zero everytime. I guess you could say that is how I'm "programmed." And I know a lot has to do with my conservative philosophy. I'm not saying this is what everybody else should think, it's just my feelings. Hope that didn't sound too analytical. Something so personal shouldn't be. It's just what I thought of when I first read your question.

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Ooh! Good question, Vince.

For me, I feel like God wants me to be willing to trust him and forgive my future husband's potential past, as I will want him to forgive anything in my past that bothers him. That being said, I desperately hope to marry a virgin; it is not a deal-breaker, but it is certainly a preference. There are many advantages to marrying someone who is a virgin, and as Naturally pointed out, a person's past can tell you a lot about their character and how they view relationships.

So while I would hopefully be able to give any guy a chance, this is the spectrum for me, in terms of most preferred to least preferred sexual past:

- The Waiting Virgin = The best case scenario, he has loved me, his future wife, since before he even met me, and he believed I would be worth waiting for.

- The "Oops!" Non-virgin = In this case, he was planning on waiting for me, but made a mistake in the heat of the moment. He knows it was not ideal, and he has been waiting for me ever since.

- The Accidental Virgin = He is still a virgin, but only because he never had a good opportunity to have sex. If he could have, he would have.

- The Serial Monogamist Non-virgin = He has had sex multiple times, potentially with a few different partners, but only in long-term committed relationships.

- The Playboy Non-virgin = The worst case scenario, he has had sex as often as he could, with as many women as he could, and in very casual, short-lived relationships.

While I may be able to overlook his past, having had any partner besides me is still having had "too many" partners. I will just, if need be, have to choose to forgive that.

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Just reread and wanted to say I hope my using the word stupid doesn't offend anyone. I just wonder, if they had slept with a long term partner ONCE because they let things get carried away and never did again, you still wouldn't marry them?

Yes, I think so. I can't stand the thought of marrying someone who's not a virgin because I know that that's not right for me.

I've said it before--I'm only going to marry a virgin, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

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I am curious to what people would consider a virgin, if they have slipped and went to second or third base are they still out?

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I am curious to what people would consider a virgin, if they have slipped and went to second or third base are they still out?

there's a topic about that somewhere I think :)

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there's a topic about that somewhere I think :)

Yeh I know, I mean in the context of how many is too many, like for example if someone hadn't had sex but had done those other things would people consider them a virgin for this purpose?

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Yeh I know, I mean in the context of how many is too many, like for example if someone hadn't had sex but had done those other things would people consider them a virgin for this purpose?

I can't speak for everyone but I consider anyone who hasn't had actual intercourse a virgin. That's not to say I'm ok with oral sex, etc before marriage because I'm not. But like I said I would say someone who has engaged in oral sex but not intercourse is technically still a virgin; however I also believe there are different "levels" of virginity which we have a thread about somewhere.

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Yes, I think so. I can't stand the thought of marrying someone who's not a virgin because I know that that's not right for me.

I've said it before--I'm only going to marry a virgin, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Nope, there is nothing wrong with that :). I just wouldn't want anyone to walk away from a great person just because they happened to not be a virgin. I would feel awful if someone walked away from me just because I am a virgin WTM, and I wouldn't consider him a very good person. I feel like for ME PERSONALLY I would be just as bad a person for walking away from a guy who is also great in many ways, but happens to not be a virgin. I think some books I read as a teenager may have helped form my ideas on this, Pierced by a Sword particularly. The catholics on here may have heard about Bud Macfarlane, he wrote three books which you can request free if you are interested, you don't have to be a catholic :). I am pretty sure there is a catholic girl in it that has a relationship with a guy who isn't a virgin, etc. ;)

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Oh, they (non-virgins) can certainly be good people, and I can certainly have them as friends. But I won't marry one.

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I think that more than ZERO is too many in the world that we live in. :)

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I could understand your concern. Personally, I feel that just as people contract physical level STDs we can also contract emotional level and mental level STDs such as addiction (in its disease model) to sex and even impure energies like fear or guilt. I would imagine the someone who has had many partners is in some way or another influenced by some of the mental and emotional blockages that effected their partners. Truthfully I was taught for spiritual reasons it is best to have as few sexual partners as possible (maybe 2 or 3). However, sex or lovemaking is still essential in spiritual development and should not be ignored. I would have to say that 10 partners is way too much to ignore especially if it is combined with an attitude that the number of partners didnt matter.

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This is a question that I have actually asked myself over and over again for many years now. Every time I come back to it I'm never able to place a specific number. I understand that for many people any number more than 0 is too many, but realistically speaking about 98% of the people I know aren't virgins. Ideally I would prefer a woman with a low number but as Naturally stated earlier a person's past can be a big indicator of their character. From personal experience I would never date a woman who had cheated in a relationship. I feel that is a huge red flag and is something that I just cannot overlook. I've dated a woman who had cheated in a past relationship and needless to say it didn't end well. I feel there are certain circumstances that are forgivable like maturity level, long term relationships, and even faith. I think a person's attitude and views on their own personal past prior to meeting me can also change the way I view them as being a potential partner.

So to answer the original question, I think any number more than 20 is too many. Even as I write this I'm sure there are people on here who will judge me for having a "high" number. Honestly, I think forgiveness is a big part of accepting and loving another person. There are numerous things in my past that I'm not proud of, and not all of them are sex/relationship based, which makes me think how little the number of people a person has had sex with really isn't that big of a deal to me. If I looked at any relationship as 90% (how many people she has slept with) and 10% (what her character is like) then I'm focusing on the wrong thing.

 

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Anymore than 0 is too much for me. One at the most, maybe even two, but that might be pushing it a bit. Three or more, sorry, I don't think I could date you. It also depends on the context of the partners.

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