White Rose

I had no idea that it would be so difficult...

16 posts in this topic

Okay guys, I'm going to have to open up here and get a little personal, because I know that you guys are the best people I know for advice on waiting till marriage.

In case you guys don't know me too well, I'm 16 years old, and for the last 2 and a half months I've been in a relationship with the most amazing guy I've ever met. He's also 16 (well, he's nearly 17 actually). He's known since before we were in a relationship about my decision to wait till marriage.

Prior to knowing him, I'd never even kissed a boy before, never mind anything further than that. However, fast forward 2 and a half months and... well, things have gone rather fast.

I've always said that I'd go no further than second base until marriage (as in, I'd do second base but not third) but... well, I've already reached second base, and I know that my boyfriend is eager for things to move further. (He respects my decision to wait till marriage, but he isn't a virgin, has a higher sex drive than me, and I know he finds it very difficult when I am always telling him 'no'.) It's not that I wouldn't like to move further, it's just that I know that if things progress much further, both of us will reach a point where we can't say no, and it will lead to sex.

The thing I'm finding hard to get my head around is... how absolutely beyond difficult it is to say no to your body's urges. Like, seriously. In the past 3 months I've learned that the hardest part about WTM is not what society thinks about your decision, it's not about being pressured by a partner (at least not in my case...), it's about having to abstain on your own personal urges.

SO I'm just asking... HOW do the other people on this website manage it?!

I mean, I'm sure that me and my boyfriend would be better if we spent less time, y'know, alone in the house, mostly making out or cuddling, but... we both just find it hard to say no because we both, y'know, we're attracted to each other. I've never physically been more attracted to anyone but him.

I'm even starting to regret my decision of waiting till marriage... except there is still a lovely sensible voice in my head saying, "No, Bethany, don't do it. Wait till marriage or at least till you've found your marriage partner."

I'm so confused. :(

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I think that almost everyone on here has been where you are. You're not the only one that's felt like that while waiting. One thing that helps me is to have a clear line talked about between the two of you. Also just checking in with each other while things are happening to make sure they're okay. (Some days some things are too much that other days are not if that makes sense) Being out in public helps a LOT. Just doing things with other people, other people being home, being out like at a park, at a restaurant--whatever!

Here's another tip. To mix things up without really going "farther" massages are great!!! :) It's something nice you can do for each other....back, shoulders, neck...whatever you're comfortable with :)

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I forgot to mention that too--if you're Christian--prayer definitely helps---even if it's an everyday prayer. God does help you!! Just admitting I need his help and am struggling is helpful.

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The thing I'm finding hard to get my head around is... how absolutely beyond difficult it is to say no to your body's urges.

Oh girl I hear you. I feel the same way. It doesnt get easier, trust me. Yes you are right though going on "outside" dates definitely does help, it gives you something else to think and talk about.

The way I see it, WTM wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't hard. If it's not hard to abstain when you're with the one you love then you don't have that much chemistry. The fact that you want to have sex with your boyfriend is a good thing, it's natural and without that attraction your relationship wouldn't work....I mean marriage is about a sexual/romantic relationship it's not just about being platonic friends (although being friends is a huge part of it).

You have only been dating this guy for 2 months. Keep your eye on the prize....a lifetime is a long time to spend with someone (who may not even be your current boyfriend). Don't do anything you will regret. Stay strong....we're all here for you. xx

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Also, I agree with Sally. Communicate with your boyfriend (even during make out sessions) and let him know that you're finding it hard to stop and want him to help you. If he truly respects your decision he wont want to do anything that you will regret.

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Maybe it would help of you think, "I'm only sixteen." Because sixteen, as we all know, is very young to be sexually active. Long before I even considered WTM, I had decided to abstain from sex until the minimum age of 20. I wasn't going to have sex as a child, because it is an adult decision to make.

This isn't something that just you alone can do. Your boyfriend has to work with self-control as well. If you're the only one putting on the breaks, you're going to end up feeling like a bad, strict girlfriend and it's going to be hard for you. This is something you need to meet each other half-way on. You can't possibly be expected to do all the self-control, it's hardly fair.

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No boyfriend is ever worth trading your values for. If he pressures you after you tell him no the first time, I'd get another boyfriend.

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This isn't something that just you alone can do. Your boyfriend has to work with self-control as well. If you're the only one putting on the breaks, you're going to end up feeling like a bad, strict girlfriend and it's going to be hard for you. This is something you need to meet each other half-way on. You can't possibly be expected to do all the self-control, it's hardly fair.

WTM is a two way effort. If one is constantly pushing the boundaries, chances are it's only a matter of time before you give. Your boyfriend should be putting equal effort in putting the brakes when things get too heavy. He's he's not doing his part, then he's not the one for you. No guy is worth compromising your values for. If keeping yourself pure is becoming a problem, I would even suggest that you don't be alone together at all while you're dating. I mean you two can be "alone" together in a private conversation in public, just maybe refrain from literally being alone in the same room together. I know lots of couples who were never in the same room alone during their courtship as a way to keep themselves from being tempted.

Stay strong, White Rose. We're all in this journey together. Do not doubt this path you're on because I know you had good reasons to choose this path in the first place. Remember why you're doing this.

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I definitely agree with everything Sally and most others said.

The more you remind yourself and keep telling yourself your standards, the more natural it will become to you. Not saying it would be easy, but if your always saying them to yourself, your brain starts to pick up on that.

I agree that you should go out, and not be alone with your bf whenever possible.

I would suggest maybe a purity bracelet or purity ring if you want. That way it reminds you of your standards and what your waiting for when you see it.

This is definitely a road less traveled these days. We have this picture in our heads that one day we will be able to look into our spouses eyes and say "I do" with a purity that only he will have. We are looking to give him one gift that no-one else in the entire world can have from us. That to me is definitely worth waiting for.

Now getting to that point, that's the hard part. Tbh, everything and anything worth while in life will take hard work, determination, and devotion. Why?? That shows that we are serious, and that we are willing to do whatever it takes to get to that point. Because we won't settle for just anything, we know we deserve more. We deserve a love from our significant other that we know will last through thick and thin, and will be strong. But WTM, it helps us to understand how to solve problems without resorting to sex.

I also suggest Pray (If your into that, of course). God is here with us, he will not give you more temptation than you can bare. I promise you that.

Also, think of who your doing this for. It's for your future husband, it's for your future kids, it's for all of us here (And others who are WTM) who are along this journey with you, it's for those who wish they can have their first time back, it's to show outsiders that we can abstain and wait, it's for God (Again, if you believe).

You are stronger than any temptation, everyone is.

That's it for now, but if I think of something else, i'll let you know. Stay strong, and take care :)

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I shall now talk your ear off, give you lots of advice that may feel annoying, and share some of my personal experience in this area....

Yeah, the urges are outrageously challenging to deal with. They took me by surprise too. It feels like you are at war with yourself.

As the one in the relationship who is committed to waiting, you have to be the one to set the boundaries, and you have to be the one to make sure you keep them. That being said, while your boyfriend is naturally very tempted, he must be willing to respect your boundaries. Not that he wouldn't love to cross them, but that, out of respect to you, he won't ask to. If he cares about you, the best way for him to show it is by not trying to get you to go farther than you have told him you will go.

I agree with the advice that the others gave you. I realize that at this fiery, passionate point in your relationship you want nothing more than to spend every moment making out; been there, felt that! Just make sure that there is always someone in the house with you guys. And no bedrooms with closed doors. That way, when the crazy hormones start kicking in, and all you want to do is to start tearing clothes off, you still have this thought in the back of your head about the possibility of parents walking in.The more time you spend in places where you cannot jump each other, the better, so be in public for the majority, if not the entirety, of each date. Also, I believe that if we are honest with ourselves, we can start to recognize times when we are placing ourselves in dangerously tempting situations. If you are anything like me, having experienced these delightful feelings, you are desperate to experience them more and more. That's dangerous thinking: if you play with fire, it is pretty hard not to get burned.

I know that you don't want to hear this, so forgive me: you might want to consider pulling back on the physical stuff for a week or two, and just spend some time talking to your guy on the phone or online. You need to make sure that you don't fall into the very easy trap of getting so caught up in the passion that you neglect the other aspects of the relationship. As you said, this is moving very fast; you do have permission to pull back. And the thing you really don't want to hear: what if you guys break up? How would you feel, knowing that you were planning to wait until marriage, if you don't? I think that would make an already painful situation much more heartbreaking.

So yeah, pray about it, talk to him about it, be mindful of your boundaries, spend a lot of time in public, stay as vertical as possible, and focus on the non-physical aspects of your relationship. If necessary, wear embarrassingly ugly underwear and don't shave your legs, so that if you do feel tempted, you think, "Ugh, I can't let him see me like this!" Find a person you can trust, ideally someone who is also waiting until marriage, and ask them to be an accountability partner for you; it will be a lot harder to act on your urges if you know someone will be asking you about it. If you are close to your parents, consider asking them for tips. Try not to go to second base every date, because if things go well, you might be with this guy for awhile, and you might want to save that for further down the line. If there is a specific time on each date when you guys start to get tempted, set your alarm on your phone to call you then, make it a really annoying reminder, and put it on the other side of the room. I heard of a couple buying a greeting card, writing a commitment inside of it about their boundaries and their commitment to wait until marriage, framing it, and hanging it above the couch, as that was where they were usually the most tempted; to everyone else, it just looked like a pretty picture of a couple on the beach, but they knew what it symbolized, and it helped them stay in control.

There really is no easy answer to this. It is mind over matter; you must be willing to tell your body "NO!!!" And you can, you really can! After all, you don't wet your pants every time you need the bathroom but have to wait. You don't pass out from hunger every time you have to wait to eat. You don't, I hope, fall asleep every time you are in a boring class. You can be the boss of your body. You can tell it, "Yes, you are right, that would be VERY nice, but we are not doing that today." Enjoy the things that you are doing; enjoy the passionate kisses, the feel of the close embraces. Remind yourself that those things are very nice too, and that you can take pleasure in them without having to go further.

I got very lucky. My boyfriend of two years was also waiting for marriage, so he pulled back when things got too hot. But even still, I experienced a lot of the challenges of lust. Be patient! Be patient, be patient, be patient! You don't have to do everything right away; there will be plenty of time for sex. Remember, this is still a very young relationship.

And if you ever start to doubt, or feel guilty about not giving in for your boyfriend's sake, remember:

You are worth waiting for!

And so, I imagine, is your future husband.

Best wishes! This is very hard, but I believe in you. You can do this! And feel free to come to me if you ever need to rant about how hard waiting is. I understand what you're going through.

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Wow, thank you everyone! You've given me such wonderful advice! I appreciate all of your thoughts and replies. :))

Just a couple of things I want to say... First of all, no, I'm not religious. I do sometimes pray, but it's usually more like inner prayer/self reflection rather than a prayer to God.

Second of all, although, I agree, it is usually me putting the brakes on things, my boyfriend does play his part too. He will always ask me before we do something if I am comfortable with doing it. And if I'm not comfortable with something, he won't push it.

He actually said to me the other day, "I don't care whether you want to do that or not. I still love you." Idk, I thought that was a little cute :3 He's never pressured me into doing anything I don't want to do. Like, if I say no to something, he won't say "Please" or kick up a fuss.

Time will tell whether things get harder or easier for us. Probably harder. Who knows. Thanks for being there for me guys!! :))

EDIT: I don't know if this makes any difference to anything, but our relationship is... well, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a very long distance at all (it'd seem like nothing to you people in the US I'm sure!) but when you factor in that we're both at different colleges, both only 16, live 12 miles apart from each other, and both have to rely on parents giving lifts or public transport, then it is kind of like a long distance relationship. So, I see him maybe only once a week at the most, or once every ten days. Doesn't really change anything but just though you should know.

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Well WR, that sounds a lot like DD and I....we usually see each other once a week or week and half. So I know whatcha mean ;) When you first see him it's like ahhhh but then you realize you actually have places to go, people to see etc and cool off a bit :PP

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Definitely be careful about spending time alone together--make sure your boundaries are really clear and that you are committed to sticking with them.

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Think of the act of Sex or "giving in" like this:

Sex is like a line in the sand, if you walk close to it, you may trip or fall and cross the line. However, if you stand far back and only look at the line you know you won't cross it. By that I mean, be aware of how you feel and know what your limits are. It's always easy to say "Of we just cuddle and kiss, but never go further" Well when the lights are down and arousal takes over it can be hard to throw the brakes.

If you both respect each other I am sure you can reach a sensible level of trust. Another way to look at it is this (and I don't mean to worsen your feelings) but being sixteen, you have along way to go. If you choose to wait until you are down college before you get married you will probably do so around twenty-five. That's nine years from now, a long time. Stay true to yourself and your value structure. It will never fail.

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White Rose,

Sexual urges were practically built to override our body's defenses. There is a almost something animalistic to them....something raw and primal and instinctive.

Our ability to master passion and instinct for a greater good is what separates us from animals.

One day, it will be okay to surrender to those instincts. One glorious day, ah! you and your husband get to toss a match into those pent-up feelings, set fire to each other's passions and burn in a pure inferno of passionate, liberated intercourse.That day, and every day after it, will be so freeing and so awesome, and you're going to be so glad you waited. But until then....well, you know what you're up against, and you know you don't want to lose that fight with yourself.

This is where the discipline comes in. If you've never gone all out to fight yourself and emerge the victor, now is a great time to learn.

It's a battle. Treat it that way. Your fleshly desires are the enemy...your own head and heart are the enemy. You have to head them off at every pass. You have to take your thoughts captive, force your body and your thoughts into submission. If you are a Christian, get into the Word of God and dwell on it. (It would do you well even if you weren't!) You're at war. We all are, those of us who believe in disciplining ourselves.

Don't trust yourself. Don't give yourself time alone and unsupervised with your boyfriend. Head yourself off at the pass. Give yourself no slack. Forget about toying with the lock or jingling the keys...don't even walk down the path that leads you to the door to sex. As a man, I'll even politely disagree with Sally about massages...too physical. A man's hands, tenderly pleasing a woman's body, are just inches away from where they want to be...and where neither of you want them to be. You're reclined, surrendering to his touch for a massage, and the next minute, those spring-loaded passions and hormonal cocktails overwhelm you and it's all over.

Be honest and call it what it is. Lust. We all feel it, but the thing about lust is that it always bargains. "Just give me a little more and I'll be happy," it whispers. It lies. Believe me, you won't feel fulfilled in the end. You'll be remorseful and regretful, and you could end up with diseases or pregnancy, and you'll have regret, possibly for the rest of your life.

This guy may be a real swell winner. But if he's not willing to respect your standards, he's not really winning in the purity polls. Your purity, dignity and virginity are worth way more than he is. I know first loves can be powerful feelings, but feelings must be mastered, or else they will master you.

I do not mean to be stern with you...I mean to reveal the sternness which I believe you may need to employ in order to remain disciplined.

In case you were wondering, I typically avoid even the lingerie section in stores. I literally imagine putting a bullet through some thoughts and forcing myself to think about something else.

War is hell...but it's worse if you lose.

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I honestly don't even have a response... I just wanted to come by and say first of all, WR, I'm glad that you felt secure enough in this group to express your vulnerability.

Group (those of you who responded with an actual answer of advice--unlike what I'm doing right now haha), y'all are so awesome! This place is such a solid support and I'm glad that we all have each other to lean on when things get difficult, as they often do.

Just wanted to give y'all an e-round of applause! :) Hang in there, WR!

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