Jegsy Scarr

Christianity and Virginity

11 posts in this topic

I'll be honest, I throw the virginity thing out there pretty quickly. I know it's one of my deal-breakers, and I don't think I'm doing her any more favors than myself by ignoring an elephant in my room, if not hers. I don't think it forces an emotional bond too quickly...it rather gives me peace to relax and take my time in the pursuit. If you're as scared as this girl was about what skeletons she might find, best thing is to disarm the fears. Therefore, I don't agree with the author's conclusion not to ask.

How does it come up? Quite frankly, I don't remember. I never lean back and say "sooo, let's talk about sex." It just happens in the course of the conversation...probably as we get into life stories and I mention that I really don't have a romantic history at all. That question probably stems from asking how come someone is still single. You can pay them a compliment while at the same time inviting them to open up about themselves, and learning some about their past. Then they have the freedom to ask me, at which point I admit I'm more of a "waiting for marriage" type of person, and most people aren't, and how it's hard to find that nowadays, etc. etc.

Dovetailing with your article, Jegsy:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27856-qbut-he-or-she-isnt-a-virginq

Trivia: This article was written in response to a question I sent the author. :)

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
If you're as scared as this girl was about what skeletons she might find, best thing is to disarm the fears. Therefore, I don't agree with the author's conclusion not to ask.

I don't think the author is saying not to ask. In fact, he's saying it's important to ask so you can see if they've genuinely repented, or not:

In today's culture, in which a person's life is often seen to consist in the abundance of his orgasms, "the talk" about one's sexual past is sadly necessary. If it brings to light a lack of repentance or an ongoing pattern of sexual sin on the part of a prospective spouse, a Christian should flee the trouble to come.

But if it reveals a prospective spouse who is repentant and forgiven, and the other potential mate is still "tortured" by the thought of it all, it could be that the root issue isn't about sex at all. The real question could be one of personal pride and a refusal to see oneself as a gospel-forgiven sinner.

Liked the other article, too. This bit was good:

We who have purposely and deliberately awakened our sexual desires to any extent before marriage will bring an additional component to matrimony that will undoubtedly be added to the list of “things to work through.” That said, anyone who enters into marriage brings their own list of things to work through, whether it be a sexual past, family problems, past sins, spending habits, communication deficits and on and on and on ... Who of us is perfect when it comes to purity of the mind, body and soul? Though these things may have an effect on our relationship, it is up to us whether or not we allow these effects to bring us into relational blessings or relational struggles.

xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I personally would talk to a LONG-TERM gf/fiancé/spouse but I don't really know how much I would be willing to discuss with her because on one hand I want to have open honest communication with my wife but on the other hand one of the rules I live my life by is I don't kiss and tell ie I don't talk about a girl behind her back even if we break up so to me it would be finding the balance between honesty and integrity which to me means never hiding anything from my wife but never talking disrespectfully about an ex behind her back and telling people things that she may not want them to know so I'd be willing to talk about things regarding me but not my exes (they may be exes but I'm not willing to disrespect them by talking about them behind their back a courtesy that will also be extended to my gf/fiancé/wife) ie do I have any kids etc but not go into graphic details otherwise I'd have no more integrity than a guy bragging about what he did with a one night stand at the weekend and I'm not willing to break my own rules and lower myself to those other guys standards so for me and my loved one it'll be finding that balance between honesty and integrity

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This article pretty much sums up my thoughts on dealing with a spouse with a sexual past. For me, its most important to have a wife who is right with God than one who is a virgin and is not right with God. I am more concerned with her morals rather than her mistakes. Ofcourse at somepoint, whether christian or not, I would want to go in depth with my partners sexual past. Reason being is to make sure that she gets tested for any STDs. Having a wife with a sexual past would bring up some insecurities, but I wont put that on her, whether she has been forgiven or not. I also have struggles with pornography and have many other sins on my plate. So I can never feel more ''pure'' than the next person for being a virgin.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to think just because I am a virgin and have waited so long that I deserved to be with a one as a reward for all my my efforts. But the fact is, I don't deserve to be with anyone. The only thing I deserve is death for my sinful nature. To think otherwise is simply prideful and arrogant. If it is in God's will for me to have a wife someday, that is a blessing. If she is a virgin, that is also a blessing. But we are not entitled to any of these things. Like Alex, I too have struggled with porn in the past. While I am still a virgin, I haven't always been pure. I have no right to judge someone for their sexual past.

I agree with this article. While virginity is not a dealbreaker for me, it is important that both people acknowledge and deeply regret their sexual past in order for a godly marriage to work. I would not marry a woman who made excuses for her sexual past or thought it wasn't a big deal because it is.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to think just because I am a virgin and have waited so long that I deserved to be with a one as a reward for all my my efforts. But the fact is, I don't deserve to be with anyone. The only thing I deserve is death for my sinful nature. To think otherwise is simply prideful and arrogant. If it is in God's will for me to have a wife someday, that is a blessing. If she is a virgin, that is also a blessing. But we are not entitled to any of these things. Like Alex, I too have struggled with porn in the past. While I am still a virgin, I haven't always been pure. I have no right to judge someone for their sexual past.

I agree with this article. While virginity is not a dealbreaker for me, it is important that both people acknowledge and deeply regret their sexual past in order for a godly marriage to work. I would not marry a woman who made excuses for her sexual past or thought it wasn't a big deal because it is.

YES YES AND YES! :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't explicitly relate purity with sexuality. It is my understadning that in both Judaism and Christianity one is impure for many reasons outside of sexually immorality. My motivation for seeking a virgin wife does not come from a feeling of her being impure for not being a virgin. I believe that there is a certain deep connection that only forms between people who have not had a sexual experience with anyone else. Mind you, I don't believe this "deep connection" is necessarry for a happy marriage. But, it is something that I, personally, strongly desire. I would give up other qualities I would prefer in a wife in exchange for her being a virgin and being able to have this particular deep connection. I'm not entirely positive, but I do think there may be degrees to this deep conncection (only person to have kissed, to have been naked with, to have touched intimately, ect...).

In regards to a partner having looked at pornography in the past, I do feel it is something that is very wrong. But, I don't think it harms the deep connection I'm thinking of because it does not involve giving yourself away to someone else. You're not forming a connection. You're just watching an immoral "performance" on camera. I think it becomes a little muddier when it comes to something like a strip club (not talking about lap dances, which I think would constitute giving oneself away, albeit maybe to one of those lesser degrees I mentioned). Say you watch a perfomer and you egg her on ("baby, take your top off" or "sugar, touch yourself") and she adheres to your request. On one hand, it still is just her performance. But, on the other hand, there was verbal contact between the two of you. I think that in that case it may still constitute giving yourself away, albeit probably to a much lesser extent than other activities.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If I love Her. I will at some point make the decision to treat her like a Wife even if we're not married. Sure I prefer a pure, virgin, but if I make that decision that she is the One then there's no holding back. I'm going all in with all of my effort in courting Her. Virgin or not, my goal will be to make Her feel loved. A selfless love. I will do my best to be altruistic in my deeds. I will do this whether she's a virgin or not. Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm owed a virgin by God. I will lover Her as she is. 

 

Dear future Spouse, I will not hold your past against you. The mistakes you made in the past will be just that, in the past. True love forgives. I forgive you for the mistakes you have made or will make prior to us meeting. Forgiveness and selflessness if that's what you want, it is something I will try to give.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If I love Her. I will at some point make the decision to treat her like a Wife even if we're not married. Sure I prefer a pure, virgin, but if I make that decision that she is the One then there's no holding back. I'm going all in with all of my effort in courting Her. Virgin or not, my goal will be to make Her feel loved. A selfless love. I will do my best to be altruistic in my deeds. I will do this whether she's a virgin or not. Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm owed a virgin by God. I will lover Her as she is. 

 

Dear future Spouse, I will not hold your past against you. The mistakes you made in the past will be just that, in the past. True love forgives. I forgive you for the mistakes you have made or will make prior to us meeting. Forgiveness and selflessness if that's what you want, it is something I will try to give.

Totally agree but I am worried that she won't tell me I am a virign or she won't like me being a virgin. It so hard to find a virgin in this society.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now