WanderingWashingtonian

What are your deal-breakers?

141 posts in this topic

I have seen this touched on in different threads, like “Would you date someone with different religious beliefs?†and “Would you be with someone who didn’t share your political views?â€

I want to pull it all together. What are all of your deal-breakers, religious, political, and otherwise? Also, what are your strong preferences, things that you would really want or not want, but that are not absolute requirements?

Note: I don’t want to cause any hurt feelings. We are all very different people, and while we share the common belief in waiting until marriage, I know that there are other values that many of us share opposing views on. This is fine! People are different, and even if someone’s deal-breaker excludes you, it does not mean they are judging you. I am just curious to see what things people hold so strongly to that it will make or break the relationship, and which things they are willing to compromise on. I would still be great friends with someone who didn't share my values: some of my best friends are atheists who drink and sleep around. I just wouldn't marry them.

Also, at what point in the relationship would you want to share these deal-breakers with your prospective partner? Before the first date? On the first date? After several dates, when the relationship is becoming more official? Would you discuss them as they came up in natural conversation, or would it be a big official statement of beliefs?

---

My deal-breakers

If a man has engaged in these behaviors in the past, that is negotiable, but I would not be able to feel comfortable marrying someone who still had the following behaviors:

- Smoking

- Drinking

- Drug use

- Hunting

- Swearing

Also, he would need to be a Christian and act like it by doing his best to love others, he would need to be willing to wait for marriage, and he couldn’t be younger than me.

My preferences

These issues fall more into the gray area of negotiability. I wouldn’t necessarily expect to find someone who had all of these qualities, but each one that they displayed would be a brownie point in their favor:

- Love of learning

- Good sense of humor

- My height (5’3â€) or taller

- A virgin

- Likes children and animals

- Generally strives to be friendly to everyone

- Likes reading

- Values fun family traditions

- Willing to try new things

- Romantic

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Deal-breakers:

-Not sharing my faith

-Not a virgin

-Smoking/drinking/drugs, slightly negotiable; no present use, but a brief history from which they withdrew would probably be something I could absorb

-Avid and unwaivering political beliefs opposed to mine

-Uneducated/unwillingness to learn

-Small-minded; someone who has a small-town mindset and doesn't want to think on a broad scale.

-Obesity

Most of the rest of it is open to speculation, interpretation, negotiation, etc. Obviously I'd like to find someone of character, warmth, grace, humor, dignity, charm, elegance, etc. Height isn't a big deal since I'm pretty tall. But generally, someone who holds the nonnegotiables will have a fair portion of the other "brownie point" traits you list.

I am curious, why hunting, and why the age? :)

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- Smoking

- Drug use

- Hunting

- Swearing

Are also some of my deal-breakers. :) I mean it's understandable to swear when in absolute pain or something, but I despise casual swearing or anything close to it. So low-class.

Other deal-breakers

-religious (he can have a belief, but that's it)

-uneducated

-unemployed

-drinking (more than social)

-addicted to any sort of substance

-homophobic

-racist

-American (joking!)

I think that's all.

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My absolute dealbreakers:

-He's not a Christian: This is a must. Religion is very important to me, and marriage wouldn't be complete if he didn't believe in God.

-He doesn't want kids: I've stated before that my husband must want children, marrying him on the hope that he will change his mind would cause too much stress between us. Having kids is something I've always wanted to do, and if we are physically incapable of having our own, we will be adopting.

-Smoking/drug use at all, or addiction to alcohol: Don't have to explain this one.

-Watches porn: Again, self explanatory.

-Very overweight/obese: I live a healthy lifestyle and need my husband to also. Fishing, swimming, hiking, biking, I want to do a lot together, and I don't want his weight to prohibit doing so.

-Doesn't appreciate the simple things in life

-Complete lack of common sense

-Not a hard worker

-Has cheated

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Drinking

Smoking

Drug use

Unemployment (I understand the economy can be harsh, and people do lose jobs sometimes, which is understandable, because it was beyond their control. I do not want someone who would use me and sit on the couch all day not wanting to work though.)

Uneducated

Racist

Narrow minded

Understanding when it comes to the decision of having kids (I'm not saying I don't want to have children, maybe I will one day, but it would have to be in the far future, I'm way to young to think of kids now. I do not want to be pressured to have children. If for what ever reason I decide I never want kids, then I want him to be understanding.)

Religion is a must (If he doesn't believe in God then I can't be with him).

Pessimist (I need happiness in my life, I don't want a pessimist).

He can't be a hateful person

Workaholic

Cheater

Not a virgin (Although I wouldn't mind if he agreed to wait with me)

There might be more but this is pretty much it.

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Why is everyone so down on hunting? If you eat meat, you cannot be against hunting because you are eating meat that someone else killed. Plus hunting is much more humane than how animals are treated in factory farms. I'm all for treating animals humanely but hunting is much better than how meat you buy at the supermarket is processed.

But back on topic. I definitely have deal breakers, but I try not to have too many or nitty gritty ones (must have this eye color or that hair color) because I think it's best to try to accept the other person the way they are as much as possible unless it involves a deal breaker that is just non-negotiable.

I have two main deal breakers:

-She must place Jesus as the center of her life

-I must be attracted to her

If she meets these two requirements then everything else will follow (kind, loving, WTM, not into drugs, not drink excessively, not smoke, wise, faithful, respects her body, etc.). She doesn't have to be a virgin and I can be somewhat flexible with personality just as long as she's not insane and is dedicated to WTM. I also need to be attracted to her for it to work. But these two are my big deal breakers. I'm not concerned with height or age, but i'd prefer if she was younger.

A few other more in depth deal breakers:

-She has to be pro-life. This issue could potentially affect the future of our kids.

-She doesn't have to like guns, but she cannot support strict gun control or the outright ban on guns. I'm a proud gun owner and that would be a serious disrespect to my lifestyle.

-Must work hard in whatever she does, whether at a career or a stay at home mom.

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Hahaha I was just talking about hunting and how terrible it is today! What's with everyone and

labor day weekend hunting?! On that topic (just me personally) not that anyone is asking haha but its one thing if I'm using the food to eat but killing an innocent animal for sport is not cool :( maybe even using the leather for clothing would be better than this! But yeah, I've also heard a sport is where both parties know they're playing. Just saying...haha

@envincebal I like how you only mention two deal breakers haha

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Why is everyone so down on hunting? If you eat meat, you cannot be against hunting because you are eating meat that someone else killed. Plus hunting is much more humane than how animals are treated in factory farms. I'm all for treating animals humanely but hunting is much better than how meat you buy at the supermarket is processed.

From my perspective, killing a deer or a bird is no different from killing a cat or a dog. It's funny how humans can go to prison for 1-2 years plus lots of psych treatment for killing a cat or a dog, but not get any penalty for shooting a deer (providing it is during hunting season or whatever.) As far as I am concerned, hunting is murder. I could not date a guy who could so casually take the life of another creature. I feel guilty just for stepping accidentally on a snail or a slug. This is just how I feel.

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Whoops! Sorry everyone! I didn't mean to start a pro-hunting vs. anti-hunting debate. Hmm, maybe that should be its own thread? But if so, I'll let someone else start it.

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Whether an animal is killed in a butcher shop or shot while hunting makes no difference. In the end, the animal is being killed for our food. If you eat it, you're supporting the killing no matter what form it comes into. Many of our daily products come from either animals themselves or animal testing from the soap we use to the insulin a diabetes patient pumped into their bodies to survive. TBH, I do have huge problems with people who hunt for sport without using the animal's remains. If they are going to kill an animal, they should use it's meat or pelt instead of just leaving it to waste.

EDIT:

Whoops! Sorry everyone! I didn't mean to start a pro-hunting vs. anti-hunting debate. Hmm, maybe that should be its own thread? But if so, I'll let someone else start it.

Yeah, you're right WW. Sorry for hijacking your thread. Okay back on topic: Deal breakers :)

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Webbed toes and/or fingers that bend backwards.

.

.

.

Actually, i think I could forgive and even celebrate webbed toes. Backwards fingers, not so much.

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Ditto everything Vince said.

And just an FYI for all you anti-hunters...I know tons and tons of people who hunt (myself included) and do not know nor have I ever even heard of any of them (or me) killing the animals for fun without eating/using them. That is HIGHLY frowned upon in the hunting community and doing this is a good way for pretty much all hunters to lose complete respect for you. Point being...it rarely happens. And believe it or not hunting acts as population control...around where I live there are so many deer they're going to be starving to death this winter (esp because of the drought we've had)...not to mention getting hit by cars left and right...hunting controls their population and makes life better for the existing population whether you like it or not. /End rant lol

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... hunting acts as population control...

Even though I dont hunt.. "not a fan of hunting" but respect others views.. but my bro and I spoke about a week or two ago.. just like you said Dodge.. "population control" What about fishing?

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My deal-breakers include, but are not limited to:

-Not an active Christian

-Not a virgin (slightly negotiable)

-Drug user

-Drinker

-Smoker

-Doesn't want children

-Doesn't share my political beliefs

-Unemployed

-Uneducated

-Narrow-mindedness

-Disrespectful/inconsiderate of others

-Poor personal hygiene

-Constant use of foul language

-Not Pro-life

-Irresponsible (financially or otherwise)

I have no problem with hunting though :)

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Even though I dont hunt.. "not a fan of hunting" but respect others views.. but my bro and I spoke about a week or two ago.. just like you said Dodge.. "population control" What about fishing?

I fish...not as much as I'd like to lol but I do. It's simple...if I don't plan on eating the fish I catch I'll do catch and release. If I decide I want to clean them and eat them then I do that.

Fishing has nothing to do with population control...but in my opinion not a single person has a right to argue against fishing (or hunting for that matter) if they eat meat or fish. The meat and fish you buy in the grocery store was caught and/or killed by someone, I hate to break that to some of you :P Such is the food chain my dear friends. Only difference is the meat and fish in the store were likely raised and killed in a much more inhumane way than how a good sportsman (aka hunter or fisherman) would do it.

Sorry for hijacking this thread but this subject REALLY gets me going and is pretty near and dear to my heart. I promise I'll stop haha.

Deal breakers oh yeah lol...must be a Christian and yeah I need to be attracted to her...but that's about it as far as "I wouldn't date a girl who ____" Sure I have a ton of preferences like anyone else but they are just that...preferences. For instance liking country music is a (big) preference lol but it's not like I have a checklist with that on there before I would go on a date.

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in my opinion not a single person has a right to argue against fishing (or hunting for that matter) if they eat meat or fish.

Or if they wear leather shoes, clothes, belts, or have leather wallets/purses. And that's just for starters. There are so many everyday household items that "contain" animal products.

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I used some of yours, WanderingWashington. I agree with a lot of what you said.

My deal-breakers

- Not equally yoked spiritually

- Smoking

- Drinking

- Drug use

- Too much swearing

- Willing to wait til marriage

My preferences

- Restoration church member

- Love of music (singing and dancing and just listening)

- Good sense of humor (compatible with mine)

- Taller than me (I'm 5'8)

- A virgin

- Likes children and animals (dog-person would be great)

- Generally strives to be friendly to everyone

- Likes reading

- Values fun family traditions

- Willing to try new things

- Romantic

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Hmm...There's a few deal-breakers I can think of straight away. There's maybe more I can't think of right now, so I'll maybe add them later if I think of any...
(In no particular order)

Must be either a virgin, or a non-virgin who genuinely regrets what he's done (e.g, he can't think of sex outside of marriage as "experience".)
Must want children (preferably lots of them!)
Must be pro-life
Must be against contraception (he'll be going to NFP classes with me before we get married!)
Must be against reproductive technologies like IVF, surrogacy, artificial insemination, etc. (if we can't have kids naturally, then we can adopt.)
Must share the view that marriage is lifelong and indissoluble, so no divorce!

There are others, but those are the main ones I can think of. One thing I've not decided on yet is whether my husband has to be Catholic. I'd definitely prefer if he was, since it'd make things a lot easier, but I wouldn't rule out a non-Catholic completely. Although saying that, a lot of my deal-breakers are about typically Catholic things, so I think it'd be unlikely if he wasn't Catholic. But just in case he wasn't:

He'd have to agree to raise our children Catholic
He'd have to agree to get married in a Catholic Church
He'd have to be supportive of my faith

(And...I don't think I'd mind if he liked hunting or not. As long as it wasn't tiger-hunting, or cute-little-deer-hunting...Perhaps haggis-hunting...)

xxx

 

EDIT: Now, after a lot of thought, I've pretty much ruled out marrying a non-Catholic, I think...

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LOL. All the people listing "hunting" as a deal-breaker seems funny to me. I personally want a hunter. That way, if the world becomes like Panem in the Hunger Games, I have a good chance of survival...lol...just kidding. But seriously.

With that said, my own deal-breakers include

-Smoking/drinking

-piercings

-excessive tattoos

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I don't hunt, but for the record, hunting usually is much more natural and humane and healthy than buying meat in stores. Also, hunting is often very valuable for wildlife management. A species with no predators expands beyond its normal bounds and creates problems for the entire herd.

Just FYI on the hunting bit. Killing a deer and using it for food and clothing is admirable. Going to Africa and killing a giraffe for fun is disgusting.

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I've asked this very same thing before, so I'll just repeat what I said there. Here are my deal breakers:

  • Not being a virgin (I know that that's strict, that I'm reducing my dating pool and all)
  • Supporting the legality of abortion
  • Not wanting to take my surname at marriage
  • Not being a Christian
  • Not having a conscience.

I have to say I like Jegsy Scarr's list.

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Must want kids (I've wanted kids for years so if we are unable to have kids then we'd adopt)

Must be good with kids and always do what's best for them not what's easiest for her

No drugs

No smoking

Rarely drinks (I don't drink very often and I won't be drink at all once I have kids as I feel its irrisponsible to drink when you have children to look after)

Must believe in marriage

Must be anti-divorce

Must not agree with abortion (my kids LIVES could be at risk otherwise)

Must have a good sense of humour (otherwise she'll never be able to put up with me lol)

Must be willing to try new things (I can be quite spontanious and do things spur of the moment so she'd better be adventurous and not boring)

Must either be outdoorsy or willing to spend time hiking, camping, wild swimming etc with me as I plan on having lots of adventures with our kids and them having lots of memories from when they were growing up

Must be kind and caring

Must not be a spoilt brat

And so many more lol

I agree if you don't like hunting you shouldn't be eating meat I mean how do you think it gets in that neat little packet in the supermarket?

And for those of you who say you should only kill what you're gonna eat I agree to an extent but you've over looked protecting livestock if a fox gets in with your chickens etc it doesn't eat them it just kills them and leaves the carcusses untouched THAT is mindless killing... Also some deer are considered a pest too as they kill off trees (from sustainable forests when they are copiced the deer'll eat the young shoots which stop the coppice from producing anymore trees) the one over here considered a pest is muntjack but don't know about in the US (and obviously as its deer you can eat it too) so we can hunt them year round, same with wood pidgeon, Canadian goose has apparently been recently added to that list etc and then your usual pests rats, rabbits, foxes etc and then you have the animals that have set hunting season pheasant etc

Then we have the weird laws like all the swans legally belong to the crown (the queen at the moment but it depends on who's crowned at the time)

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I have very few deal breakers

Drugs- Caffeine is fine, I'm not a huge fan of cigarettes but it's not an automatic deal breaker, I've lost very close friends to drugs and I'm not standing for it anymore

Excessive drinking- I go out for a drink or two a couple times a week with friends but I don't get fall down drunk

Close Minded- This covers religious and political beliefs, I'm not very religious so he has to be ok with that, I have many gay friends so he can't have an issue with homosexuality, I'm a democrat but I can understand both sides of an issue if I'm given a valid argument for a belief rather than somebody just yelling at me that they are right and I am wrong

Pro-Life- I am very much Pro-Choice, I'm not saying I will ever have an abortion myself but I think that every woman has the right to make the choice for themselves

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My deal breakers are

-no smoking

-no drug use

-no drinking irresponsibly (so no getting drunk)

-must not be anti-religion

-they need to want children

-happy to wait, and fully supporting the decision

-must believe in evolution

-can't be judgemental of anyone or preachy

-I can't stand computer games, so not a gamer

Preferences

-prefers the outdoors

-hardworking

-will dance with me

-will come do charity work with me

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