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Claire

So, what if...?

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I don't want this to sound depressing, but I am curious, as I often get this question when people find out that I'm waiting: "What will you do if you never get married?" Just wondering what everyone's view is on this one. If you were to know that you'd never get married, would you opt to remain celibate for life? Do you accept a bit of middle ground and just try to have sex in a meaningful relationship that may or may not last?

I had a friend in college who decided for a while that she wanted to wait until marriage. I remember her answer to this question was 'not applicable'... She said, if worse came to worse, she would just marry someone even if she knew he wasn't really the right one for her, because sex was something she definitely wanted as a part of her life no matter what. That answer always sounded sad and confusing to me, but then I can certainly understand how desperation can be a very powerful force.

Is the sex we've yet to experience more important than our ideals behind it? Are we holding out because we expect and require it? Or is it because we're only interested in it if we get to experience it at its fullest?

I'm not a cynic or a fatalist... I'm just curious. ;)

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Hi Claire!

I do face this question all the time too. But just don’t let it bother you as, you already might have noticed, the people who say so are NON-WAITERs… at least most of them, if not all! I believe it is actually their frantic effort just to dissuade people like us as, deep inside them they are remorseful of their deed & just want to find solace in just someone else’s doing the same blunder! They feel uncomfortable even with a single WAITER around them, as their conscience constantly hammers them for the vile acts that can NEVER be undone! So, seeing US slip is the ultimate remedy they have to subdue this feeling of guilt & hence, they leave no stones unturned to see US give up!

Now for your question… or rather ‘THEIR QUESTION’, as I call it… I think it is totally hypothetical! To that, my fitting answer: Yes I will choose to stay celibate for the rest of my life rather than giving my virginity to someone who can’t value it! Sex is an important part of life but Ideals are even more precious! I am not religious but I believe in the existence of GOD if HE has not made someone for me… then I think he wants me to be alone & no matter how much I try, will never get my ‘SOUL MATE’. It is something that’s beyond my control. The only thing that I can do is to stay TRUE to my values & ideologies!

Having answered your question, I have some stuff to ask you. Tell me Claire, how on earth can anyone KNOW things like when they are going to get married or when the love of their life will arrive or how many kids they will have! :lol::blink: That is something extremely ridiculous! Do you really believe that out of around 7 billion people in this whole wide world you will find none worth your love, in your WHOLE life???!! :lol::P Well… I don’t. There are a lot of WAITERs even outside this forum! LOL. May be it will take a bit longer to find them out of the crowd… but it will worth the time! After all, good people are hard to find! :)

Now, the girl you are talking about I think she was more off a DOUBTER, than a WAITER! Her views like, “marry someone even if she knew he wasn't really the right one†& “sex was something she definitely wanted as a part of her life no matter what†- gives me an impression that she was desperate for sex & her being a WATING was just due to the lack of opportunity! WAITING has got no place for ‘desperation’ at all! To me, WAITING is all about self-restraint, patience & respect towards my partner! I want to make my first time meaningful & sacred! Sex in a committed relationship can be meaningful but I can hardly call it ‘sacred’ as the eternal bond of marriage is missing! Even worse… what if ultimately the two love birds didn’t/couldn’t get married! The meaningful memory will just turn into a bitter one & that too for a lifetime! So, I feel it is not worth to risk something so valuable before marriage!

So, in a nutshell, don’t bother to what others say… you know what you stand for & know very soon you will meet MR PERFECT! :) God at times test good people but never does HE penalize them! May be now, we all are being TESTED… Stay true to yourself, Claire! GOOD LUCK with finding the right guy! :)

I apologize if my tone or content has offended anyone but that is the way I feel about the issue. Criticisms are most welcome as it may highlight flaws on my part, if any! :)

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Hi Aditya!

Wow, that was a passionate answer! Thanks for the insight. Like you, I would much rather remain celibate than settle for less. It's just the way I am. But I didn't know if others felt the same. And yes-- it is definitely a hypothetical question ;) Obviously, we could never know when or who we'll marry in advance.

But I don't think it's a bad question to be asked, or to ask oneself. I don't think it's just for THEM to ask. I don't mind the question and it doesn't particularly concern me when I think about it. I think that answering it gives a person more foundation and character. There are people like my friend who wait as well, but who may not be prepared to face such ultimate consequences, and I think the decision to hang on as long as possible is a noble one too-- Especially in this day and age! ...Although I do wonder why my friend ever wanted to wait in the first place :P

I don't know if I can personally agree that sex is an important part of life in its own right... I think relationships and personal connections are, and sex is definitely an aspect in that area... but like most things in life, I think it can be made unimportant by sharing it with many. Of course it certainly has the potential to be immensely important depending on how it's performed and conveyed, and that's what I'm holding on to.

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Wow...finally someone asking the kind of question I've been asking myself for years. Honestly, at this point, I try not to think about that issue, lol. At my best, I suppose I could remain celibate, but, being realistic, I think I end up losing my mind. Having these desires and no one to fulfill them with would make me feel really mucked up...as if I don't already feel that way, with the way things have turned out so far...especially as of late. I mean, I'd have to meet someone who'd been through what I've been through...or so it seems. Being about to turn 25 and where I'm at in life...with the prospects of finding someone like that or at least someone who would appreciate me, being slim...I almost see myself reaching 35 and wanting to kill myself, even if I'd accomplished something. So, I really don't know. It's like if I was an aromantic asexual, I'd be able to pull it...but, I'm not. BTW, how old are you guys? 'Cause it seems to me that it's soooo much easier to be that idealistic when you're younger...age-old wisdom, eh?

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Hey Claire,

But I don't think it's a bad question to be asked, or to ask oneself.

Ummmmmm… well, the fact is, I wasn’t criticizing you at all! :mellow: Actually, I got a bit carried away… I just can’t stand a WAITER compromising with his/her values just to accommodate some otherwise undeserving guy/gal, under a mere apprehension that ‘all the good ones are taken’. :blink: I mistook the underlying implication of your question, "What will you do if you never get married?" as “Is it ok to settle down with someone who don’t share my values, in case I don’t find Mr. Perfect?†:lol::P This sparked the confusion. I am really sorry I you felt targeted…my bad! :( I, not even for once, did I think from a person’s ‘foundation & character’ point of view! Thanks Claire, for adding a new dimension to my perspective of looking at this stuff! I agree with your views.

There are people like my friend who wait as well, but who may not be prepared to face such ultimate consequences

Just wondering… if your friend is really waiting, then why is she thinking about the ‘ultimate consequences’! That’s an extremely rare possibility & moreover, non-waiters are more likely to face it than WAITERS as most of them don’t know how to value a relationship! Again, that’s my personal take on the subject! Try to assure her that she is not alone & encourage her to stick to her value… who knows you might end up playing the ANGEL in her life! ;)

Of course it certainly has the potential to be immensely important depending on how it's performed and conveyed, and that's what I'm holding on to.

Well that immense potential, I think, makes it important all the way… :lol: & for the same reason all of us here are ‘holding on’ too… :)

Looking forward to hear more from you in the near future… :)

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For me personally, getting married is a huger goal in my life than sex, so it's a goal that I won't give up despite how old I get. If things don't work out, and I turn 30 or 40 or 50 and still not married, I'll still try to get married no matter what. And I will still wait for marriage to have sex. I'm a bit of an ugly guy, but w/a population of over 6 billion people, there must be some girl who'd want to marry me, lol, and I'll just wait for her to have sex. That's just my answer :) .

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That sounds depressing, lol. I don't think to think about that. I reaallly wanna get married someday---to have that kind of relationship in your life would be amazing--I don't wanna live alone =/ And I wanna have somenoe I love to have sex with :P

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I thought about it a lot in the past and you know what? I'm prepared to die a virgin. It would be alright. As long as my life is fulfilled in other various aspects, I can die happy. :)

Guys, I think this way of thinking helps... 'I'm going to live my whole life celibate, unless I find someone to love, in which case, I will marry and have lots and lots of fun with!' :lol:

Yeah Bee... thats it! Thats the spirit! Kudos you ya...

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Well, I really doubt it's a fate that anyone of us will eventually have to face, but it's encouraging to see so many positive responses.

I'm a bit of an ugly guy, but w/a population of over 6 billion people, there must be some girl who'd want to marry me, lol, and I'll just wait for her to have sex. That's just my answer
- Mark

This made me chuckle :D I think people are often their worst critics, but even if you don't find yourself attractive, Mark, I'm pretty confident that the quality girls will. The ones who are worth it place ultimate value on character... which I know sounds cliched and idealistic, but there are actually a lot of them out there. And from my own personal experience, what makes a guy attractive physically is not about what God's given him, but mostly about what he does with what he's been given and how well he takes care of it. I don't know about the rest of the girls here, but I tend to avoid the typical 'hot, jock' types...

I am really sorry I you felt targeted…my bad! I, not even for once, did I think from a person’s ‘foundation & character’ point of view! Thanks Claire, for adding a new dimension to my perspective of looking at this stuff!
- Aditya

Nope! I didn't feel targeted :) I enjoyed reading your response-- it's refreshing to hear from people who are willing to stand up for their values 100%. And as for my friend, she actually did get married last year... As her friend, I have to go ahead and accept the decision as a truthful one, but I do at times wonder if she did end up waiting (I haven't asked her flat-out) and I don't think her reasoning behind the decision was as thorough or personal as ours.

BTW, how old are you guys? 'Cause it seems to me that it's soooo much easier to be that idealistic when you're younger...age-old wisdom, eh?
- Tempest Desh

I'm 25 as well. I'm not sure that I have much to say along the lines of comfort-- Since we are both about the same age, I can't really tell you whether or not it will get better. I went through a bit of slump during the end of college, but since then I've become much more positive... it's strange to say, but I feel much younger, encouraged, and excited about life in general now than I ever have in the past. So I don't think age is so much a factor that should be discouraging us. Probably we should all be focusing on enjoying whatever stage of life we're at. People tend to be drawn to that kind of spirit when they see it in others too, so who knows? You might end up running into the love of your life when you're not even looking ;)

I find that the more time I take to get to know and define myself and try to truly understand why I do the things that I do, the easier my decisions are to adhere to. At that point, they don't just become something I want to follow, but they become a part of who I am, and I am much less tempted to go crazy or to break them. I've made peace with the fact that these are my life decisions, not just because I want them, but because there is no other true choice for me, given the person that I've become. It's a lot easier for me to enjoy life for all it's small pleasures and great wonders now days :)

Yeah Bee... thats it! Thats the spirit! Kudos you ya...

:D

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everything you just said is just what i needed, to puck my self up again, and i totally agree :) if i can not find someone it is because god has not put that in my destiny, i hope he has, but ether way i am happy to follow the path he has set out for me :)

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"I'm a bit of an ugly guy, but w/a population of over 6 billion people, there must be some girl who'd want to marry me,"

mark i have talked to you and you are such a kind person you will defiantly find the one. anyway its what is on the inside that counts right? :)

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"I'm a bit of an ugly guy, but w/a population of over 6 billion people, there must be some girl who'd want to marry me,"

mark i have talked to you and you are such a kind person you will defiantly find the one. anyway its what is on the inside that counts right? :)

Thanks!

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I would rather die alone knowing that was able to take a stand for what I believed in. I am slowly preparing myself to come to the realization that I may in fact never be married or have sex. But you know what I will be assured in my heart I did what was right and never compromised my integrity. Also as my time on Earth has taught me nothing that is truly good will come quick and easy. I personally would take say 15 years (if I marry later in life) of a perfect marriage than 60 years of misery, people who stay married but are no longer in love or a short term marriage that falls apart.

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Yeah ThatGuy, its one of those things you gotta look in the mirror and decide what you want to do. Alot of people can talk the talk VERY FEW can actually walk the walk. I want to be one of those that walked the walk.

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