Ruby

"Bad boys" and access to feelings

12 posts in this topic

This is a topic I feel strongly about, and I would love to hear opinions from both girls and guys.

I was asked why many women like the bad guys, and I related it to certain movie heroes, specifically characters like Batman.

These characters have a dark side to them. I think women want to be able to reach the deepest emotions in a man, the ones he buries to the world. His insecurities, doubts, fears. With those dark movie characters and with many bad boys, we can see some of the pain, because it's so great that they can't keep it pushed down.

Not saying that we want to date these troubled men, just that those dark feelings, in bad wording, appeal to us to heal them.

I do not want to go after these bad boys, but one of the things I greatly look forward to in a marriage is having that trust. That my man will share everything with me, look to me for comfort. To see a man admit his flaws, to let his guard down. To see a man vulnerable, and to be able to heal him, because he trusts in you completely. We want to see the raw emotion of a man, and to be able to see that my man wants to trust me with that means everything beyond ordinary comprehension.

To girls: Can you relate to these feelings?

To guys: I would love your thoughts and opinions on this.

Also: Thanks to Kendra for helping me compile my thoughts.

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I respectfully disagree.

Granted, the "bad boy" phenomena is one I still strive to fathom, let alone explain, yet I am extremely skeptical that it is because these "bad boys" are making their emotions accessible.

Interestingly enough, I spoke with a colleague I hadn't seen in nearly two months, who had been very excited for my date. She and some others actually pressed me for information about it, and about me in general, and therefore the subject of WTM came up. As usual, there was a brief, hushed silence when it dawned on them that I was waiting, Anyway, this woman inquired after my date, and then explained (rather introspectively and philosophically) that she thinks women SAY they want a "good boy" but they don't select for that. They want the fun and danger and risk and mystery of a "bad boy" because it brings them out of themselves, it makes them feel a little more daring and mischievous. Then when they want to find the good guy to settle down with, he's nowhere to be found, or he doesn't want someone who has spent her good years on bad boys. She said this all with a hint of sadness, probably reflecting on her own life.

The bad boy awakens a slight desire in a girl to be "bad" herself. Tattoos, motorcycles, loud music, leather, the stereotypical facets of "bad-boy-dom" all seem to draw a girl.

In my experience, a woman wants to tell her secrets, but finds less respect for a man who lays his cards on the table. She wants mystery. Batman is not all out there with his emotions. He is the epitome of secrecy and mystery.

I see women make this mistake all the time. They exchange the long-term for short-term pleasure, and then feel the sting of remorse that their decisions brought when they meet people like myself. They aspire to that, but can no longer afford it.

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This thread really hits home for me because I was abused and overlooked by a girl who went with a bad boy just like how she spent her youth doing. She took advantage of me only when she needed something but was never there for me when I needed someone. When I told her I liked her more than a friend, she coldly pushed me out of her life. Years later I ran into her and she has two kids by the bad boy who left her and gained a lot of weight to the point where I barely recognized her. Now that she's had her fun with bad boys, she's ready to settle down and a with a nice guy: me. As insulted as I was at the moment, I politely decline as I have long moved on from my feelings from her. I told her all I can offer is my friendship, nothing more. I don't mean to sound bitter, but one thing I hate almost as much as guys who take advantage of girls for sex is a woman who takes advantage of a guy's good will. I can be very forgiving but I think I deserve better than being a girl's back up guy or rebound. Especially when she's given everything to a bad boy and expects me to clean up her mess of kids that aren't mine, she doesn't look good anymore from not taking care of herself and dealing with her trust issues and emotional baggage.

But luckily, I'm not so jaded to brand all girls like that. I believe there are many good, down-to-earth girls who say they want a good guy and really mean it. So ladies, don't waste your time on a bad boy. He may give you short term excitement but it isn't worth the heartbreak and he will break your heart. You can find great guys out there who are good to you and are exciting.

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Ugh this topic really bugs me. You have no idea how much the bad boy phenomenon bugs me. I have sat with so many friends who were bewailing the fact that their boyfriend treats them like dirt and who kept going back for more and more of the same treatment. It was like an addiction, that's the only way I can describe it. It was like the tiny tiny moments where the guy was actually nice to them meant more because he was so darn mean and disrespectful and inattentive all the other times. I believe that my friends felt that those moments where things were good were somehow signs that they were "curing" the bad boy. That the times he was good were disproportionately perceived as great in comparison to all the crappy behaviour. It was like the girls were chasing the high of the good times and were willing to put up with all the crap just to get one date that was good.

And the boys knew this and manipulated them because of it. They basically knew that they could do whatever they wanted (including checking out other girls in their girlfriend's presence) as long as they were nice to the girlfriend at sporadic intervals that were frequent enough to keep her hooked. They fed them with drivel about how she was such a good influence on them and how they were so messed up and their thoughts were so dark because they didnt make the sports team (literally I have heard that, what poppycock).

So no, bad boys disgust me. They are manipulative and not worth a second thought. I never understood the attraction. Give me a good reliable honest man any day.

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You'd have to define "bad boy" I think. If you're talking about a guy who has tattoos, a motorcycle, etc. than that's simple preference. He doesn't always have to be classified as troubled or the boy from the wrong side of the tracks per se. What most girls are attracted to with this type of guy would be his confidence, I would think. Being different than the norm and so on. I can understand that attraction.

But, if you're thinking troubled, abusive, has addictions, then I have absolutely no idea why girls go for guys like that. I have enough of a time working on myself, much less wanting to take on the role of rehabilitating another person. No projects for me! The only thing that I can think of would be that troubled girls would generally go for that type of guy. Either that or he's extremely charismatic. And sorry to say, but chances are that she's probably immature.

I don't understand people who makes those choices, but I don't generally judge them. They know exactly what they're getting into. But, somehow, they're always shocked at the usual outcome, and when I have to hear about it, it makes me want to bang my head into the nearest wall.

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To me, tattoos and a motorcycle don't make a bad boy in and of themselves. To me a bad boy is the archetypal "stud". The guy that goes around treating women like objects, who sleeps around and has a "confidence" that is really just arrogance and conceit. A bad boy is extremely vain and believes that he is God's gift to women. And the women flock to these men for some unfathomable reason.

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I think a bad boy is someone who has serious problems, like treating girls like scumbags. I see girls at my school falling for these player types, only to prove the type of person this guy is again.

I don't want to date a bad boy. What I want was in this paragraph:

One of the things I greatly look forward to in a marriage is having that trust. That my man will share everything with me, look to me for comfort. To see a man admit his flaws, to let his guard down. To see a man vulnerable, and to be able to heal him, because he trusts in you completely. We want to see the raw emotion of a man, and to be able to see that my man wants to trust me with that means everything beyond ordinary comprehension.

We want to be told these things. And they don't have to be immense secrets like batman has, even the most trivial fear does. I guess you get this trust in a good marriage anyway, but it was just something I was thinking about and tried to explain from my perspective why a girl would go for such a guy, hoping that he would open up to her when in reality he is just using her.

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Granted, the "bad boy" phenomena is one I still strive to fathom, let alone explain, yet I am extremely skeptical that it is because these "bad boys" are making their emotions accessible.

Not exactly making their emotions accessible, but perhaps more like we can see the rash decisions that they've made and know that there are emotions deep down?

I am having a hard time attempting to explain why in the world women should go for these men. Perhaps they want to change them? I do have one adult friend who was your bad boy type, smoking, drugs, partying, etc. He got a girl pregnant at one point, and miraculously managed to turn his life around and become a successful father, and they are still happily married and have 3 kids now, neither of them do any sort of the thing they used to.

Now that is a rarity, And perhaps women want to be that one who is somehow able to turn his life around. For me, I avoid them and would never think if dating one because the chance that he would turn around and stay turned around is astronomical, and I would much prefer a man who has kept his life together.

Edit: perhaps I should have been more clear in my first post and given it a name like "attempting to explain why girls like bad boys and on a slightly unrelated topic my want for access to feelings in a relationship", haha.

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I think what Ruby is trying to say, is that to be able to have man, one who tries to be the strong one, the one who helps people, who wants to be looked up to, but then can put his guard down to his wife.

I think Ruby is trying to say that she wants to be that one person in the whole world who her husband can trust with even his most personal emotions.

How I think it relates to bad boys is, not necessarily that the guy can act like an a**, but how he can come to one special lady in his life and confess and give his all to. I don't think any girl on here wants to date a shallow, disrespectful know-it-all, but some girls in this world do. Even I can't completely understand while they do, I can also see some reasons why.

There are even some girls who get taken advantage of. But I will tell you, I don't care if I meet a guy who is the best-looking human i've ever seen, if I find out if he disrespects others/etc., i'm leaving him. I want someone who is kind, honost, genuine, respectful, helpful, etc.

I, (along with most guys) will never completely understand why girls will put up with dou***-bags just to be with them, except maybe for the girls who do and the dirt bags themselves.

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I think you had many valid points, girl. All I dated before my husband were "bad boys." I was so drawn to them because they had such obvious problems, I wanted to "help" them. I remember literally saying, "If a guy doesn't have [big] problems, he's boring, and why do I need to be in a relationship with a guy if I can't help him?" What I realized is that I couldn't change them. Sure I "helped" them, temporarily. Then they just went back to their old ways after we broke up, or after two weeks of being together. Now I know, only God can change a person, and I'm totally fine with that. My husband was definitly not a bad boy, lol, and he's the one I ended up marrying!

www.betterthanedward.com

www.natashasapienza.wordpress.com

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Natasha, I feel it my duty to warn you, if you continue to flaunt your successful story of love and marriage and romance, trained monkeys will come to your home, put a bag over your head and leave you in the gutter.

:D

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Not all bad boys end up as drug addicts or convicts, but yes the majority do. Its not because of the "badness" but the "stupidtiy" that bad boys do the things they do. You'd be surprised how many "bad" guys regret who they were, or what they have created for themselves, and how they treated people. why do you think the drugs come with the territory? Its a copeing mechanism, to deal with the regrets and the reprocussions of what was done to the and by them.

I'll be the first to tell you, many bad boys dont care about the pain they cause, or would never admit it anyway. But we're all human underneath our egos. Basically what im trying to say is, not all bad boys are victimizers, some are just victims, but most are really unintelligent. If a bad boy is smart he will understand and value what he has, and run into the sunset. How do you know if hes smart?

I am warning you Ladies! Dont fall for the sweet talk, Ask hard questions, make him think, find out if the mystery is just un excuse for a lack of understanding. Don't let him disrespect you in anyway, don't be the girl he knows he has on the back burner, if he likes you enough to marry you, and he thinks your special, he'll talk to you for 2 years before he is even allowed to touch your hand, granted he knows your not with anybody else and not looking to be, he'll wait for you. Its a dangerous game, and I don't recommend it for the weak of heart or non disiplined. Some guys make a sport of it, beware! But I know of some guys that found a great girl early and stuck with her because they knew what they had. Good luck and don't just hope that he's gonna appreciate you, like I said, its a huge longshot, but there are a some bad boys that will be good to you.

P.S. save yourself the trouble and marry a nerd, haha sorry had to.

Oh yeah, pardon me for hijacking your thred, but it didn't look like anybody was reaching concenses anyway, so I thought I'd write something difinitive on the topic rather then your spectulation.

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