LonelyKnight

He/She is Not a Virgin: Dealbreaker?

Dealbreaker   38 members have voted

  1. 1. If you found out a potential partner had already had sex, would it be a deal-breaker?

    • Absolutely; I need to know my spouse never had sex with someone else
    • Kind of; I don't want a partner who has slept around
    • Yes, but it's getting too hard to maintain that standard
    • Not really
    • No way, what's done is done
    • I have sexual experience, so I can't complain about someone else's
      0

Please sign in or register to vote in this poll.

17 posts in this topic

This question has been posed a few times in the chat room, and elicited some strong reactions. Yet in today's day and time, the question is almost certainly one you will encounter in the world of relationships where the vast majority of late-teens and early-20's are sexually active.

If you learn someone has had sex before you, does this pose major roadblocks or even become a dealbreaker for you?

Gender and experience are crucial components of peoples' opinions, so it would be helpful if you included your gender, and (if you're comfortable) whether or not you've had sexual experience before.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have never had sex before, but if a person who I believe is right for me comes along, him being sexually active before meeting me will not be a deal breaker. People make bad decisions that they regret later on in life. I have been in situations where I could have easily made a very bad decision, but I didn't. I'm not going to pass up the man that God sent for me because he gave into temptation. If he is with me, he is obviously aware of the fact that I am WTM, so he apparently has had a change of heart, also. I respect celibacy the same way that I respect WTM, and that is exactly what he will be if he's with me, cause I aint' givin it up. :)

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I prefer a virgin, but it's not a dealbreaker. People are defined by their character, not by their virginity. Just as long as she regrets it and is committed to WTM from here on out, I would totally marry her. If she wasn't a virgin, I would be pretty hurt by it but I would get over it eventually. I just think virginity is a small matter compared to finding someone who truly loves you and is committed to making you happy.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just as long as she regrets it and is committed to WTM from here on out, I would totally marry her.

That's pretty much my outlook, too. I don't require someone that's always been a waiter, just someone that's determined to be a waiter from now on.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Absolutely.

Yet in today's day and time, the question is almost certainly one you will encounter in the world of relationships where the vast majority of late-teens and early-20's are sexually active.

The vast majority does not concern me.

If you learn someone has had sex before you, does this pose major roadblocks or even become a dealbreaker for you?

Dealbreaker. I think a person's character begins and ends with what they do with their sexuality. It not only defines their character; but their integrity, trustworthiness, honesty, courage, strength, justice, patience, etc. Due to the politically correct climate we have today, there will probably be some who answer that they would "rather" to marry another virgin. I'm just honest and realistic with my answer. Political correctness is not one of my strong points. And I strongly suspect that the older a person is, the more likely the answer will trend towards dealbreaker. Waiting necessitates time. Waiting until 17 is about as different from waiting until 50+ as night is from day.

Gender and experience are crucial components of peoples' opinions, so it would be helpful if you included your gender, and (if you're comfortable) whether or not you've had sexual experience before.

I wouldn't call it an opinion, but rather a choice. I have an opinion that my Aunt Evelyn's apple fritters are the best in town. I have a choice about whether to marry a man or woman and whether or not he/she has a sexual past. I have never had sex. Interesting. I thought the name of this web site was waitingtillmarriage.org. If you're not waiting for sex, you're waiting for . . . ?

I think the poll is a good idea. It will be interesting to see what the results are.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nope, not a dealbreaker. If he's not willing to wait for me and go at my speed, that would be a deal breaker.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gender and experience are crucial components of peoples' opinions, so it would be helpful if you included your gender, and (if you're comfortable) whether or not you've had sexual experience before.

I'm a girl (obviously) and him not being a virgin would definitely not be a deal-breaker. I would feel like a terrible person for telling him we can never be together because he's had sex and isn't "pure." I could never feel that way about someone I love. I think it's ridiculous to expect your future spouse to "wait" for you because how on earth are they supposed to have ever known their future spouse would be a virgin waiting until marriage? I only want to share my body with one person, but if there was some magical way in knowing whether or not a guy was The One for me, I would have pre-marital sex with him. But waiting is the best way to insure you only sleep with one person. All that matters is that he loves me and wants us to spend the rest of our lives together. :) I have had zero sexual experience.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm female, no sexual experience. My preface is that finding a man who is my age, compatible with me, AND a virgin would be like finding the Holy Grail. Obviously, that would be 100% ideal and fantastic and beyond awesome and everything good rolled into delicious.

However, I voted "not really". I have several mandatory requirements about which I can't/won't compromise. And those requirements are already fairly rare. Virginity is not one of them. I have to be realistic. I'm an atheist, I'm 29, and I'm living in the "Bible Belt" region of the south. So, the chances of just finding an atheist are stacked against me, lol. The chances of finding a male virgin atheist pretty much fall to zero - at least, from my perspective (and dating experience).

So, the reality is, if I actually want to share my life with someone, I need to be a bit more flexible. Not all my preferences can be mandatory. If I met someone who matched me on my mandatory requirements, was respectful of my desire to wait until marriage, and we fell in love ... I absolutely would not reject him based on his sexual experience. I think this is a bit easier for me as I don't view sexuality outside of marriage as immoral. Morality isn't why I'm abstaining. So, I can understand/see why others wouldn't abstain.

Having said that, if anyone knows of any age 29 and above atheist male virgins who don't fit into mainstream culture in many other ways ... send them my way. ;)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do not see it as a bad thing if someone wants to have sex before marriage; it is a personal choice and I would not like to impose that choice on another. I do not really expect that the person who I marry would have waited because other personality traits are far more important. Her waiting for me would be good enough as I expect that she will think sex is a normal part of a relationship (like most people do) and you cannot blame someone for doing something that they think is right for them. Nor would you really want them to feel guilt over something that has happened and cannot be changed.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I really really want him to be a virgin. But if I really loved him, and if he'd had sex before - and regretted it - then I think I could deal with it. But not if he was like, "Yeah, I've had sex before. So what?", because in that case, he clearly wouldn't value the fact I'd waited for him.

xxx

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do not see it as a bad thing if someone wants to have sex before marriage; it is a personal choice and I would not like to impose that choice on another. I do not really expect that the person who I marry would have waited because other personality traits are far more important. Her waiting for me would be good enough as I expect that she will think sex is a normal part of a relationship (like most people do) and you cannot blame someone for doing something that they think is right for them. Nor would you really want them to feel guilt over something that has happened and cannot be changed.

This is exactly how I feel. :) Personally it would be more difficult for me to deal with knowing my husband has been in love with another woman than to know he's had sex with another woman.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Im surprised I havent answered this yet. I wonder about that, and obviously I cant be sure, because I have not met the one. The circumstances could be very different then. It would be a dealbreaker - it does say a lot about his character and his values. Even if it was not a dealbreaker, it would probably bother me so much it wouldnt be healthy for a relationship.

Obviously I would want someone with similar values to mine, it makes me feel better if that was how he always was.

Im a girl, and I have had some experience (not all the way) with one guy. He was my first love. Through all of that was when I discovered the true meaning of intimacy, and why it is so important to WTM. I regret it in someways, but at least I learned a whole bunch! More on that at another time.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First I like polls, they're very 'uh democratic!

Lots of opinions expressed, and I've given some thought towards this lately as I began seeing this very nice girl.

But in the in end if have to say for me ideally I'd like to meet/marry/spend the rest of our lives together with another virgin.

I mean i've dated and i'm "experienced", 2nd base stuff (what I called third base, however I've been corrected lately, guess i'm old fashioned)

But I have to agree it speaks volumes about a girls personality, values and overall integrity. Would it be a total deal-breaker for me?

I don't know, the girl I met recently she's "experienced" (1 guy, she says, but this was after I told her I've been with 0 (girls, and guys, however i'm only interested in the former) But could I imagine marrying her, no. I believe that "experienced" girls are more guarded. I'm more of an open book sorta guy.

However like Misia said above as a 20-something it is strange and even difficult to meet waiters. Besides I live in"sin city".

I only know 1girl who is a waiter, I consider her a friend so I wouldn't date her. If it didn't work out we could likely remain friend but it would change our friendship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Deal breaker, 100%, I remember the first relationship i ever had (only relationship i ever had) I had decided that to help remove any temptations of giving myself away like all the other kids did in my school, i would only have relationships on a computer first. Someway in the middle of my relationship i had learned that the girl i liked had a past of CYBERING with other people, not even having real sex but just talking dirty to other people on a computer. That was when i started getting all these intrusive thoughts, Vivid visual conjurations of the girl i loved having sex with other people. It became so bad that i started becoming obsessive, paranoid of her actions, pushy,needing to know everything she was doing... to a point where i pushed that girl away from me. I wasnt myself anymore. Its the only feeling i have ever felt that is worse than being alone. Im terrified of it, after that i had many times where i ended a chance of relationship even before having one. Becuase i would always ''have'' to learn that they were pure. Learning if someone you like is a virgin is actually very hard. You cant just go up to people and ask them ''Hey have you ever had sex with anyone?'' Its not something people are going to tell you on a whim, you have to get to know them, I got to know many people so deeply that it was as if i was in a relationship for a long time, without actually being in a relationship with them. In order for you to get to know someone that deep, they must get to know a part of you as well. Now if i decided to marry a person like that, i would have to deal with these intrusive thoughts, ''For the rest of my life'' with that person. I wouldnt be able to handle that. Ive even had times where i fell in love with peoples stories becuase they were just so beautiful and i told myself ''This person is probably one of the very very few people, who would be lonelier than me'' But even then i have those thoughts become so strong that i had to turn them down, Its very hard on my psyche to get into relationships anymore becuase i feel like ive become some sort of curse for ruining the chances of a good relationships based on something so irrational....but this is who i am. I cant get rid of it. I have learned that im not alone in this way of thinking, The term for my thought process is called Retroactive jealousy, Its basically the OCD of love. Its terrible to have my emotion of ''love'' , labeled by this world as a disorder but thats why its so great to be in forums like these, it gives me hope that i can still find someone who i can love and still be myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I really want to marry a virgin, but i also realize there is a place for grace for someone in a situation for example---was in a relationship--was sexually intimate with that person, wished they had waited, and then abstained until marriage. So not being a virgin would not necessarialy be a deal breaker but it would depend on the person and circumstances. I want a husband who is after living a life of purity not just purity sexually, but also in what they do with their time and life.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think marrying a virgin would be better cause that way they understand you cause you both waited. But I am open to being with a non virgin who hasn't had a lot of sexual partners. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now