LiveTheDream

Friend-Zone

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Some girls wonder why they don't get ask out anymore. It's because you earn a reputation.

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I edited your title, LTD. Watch your tone when making sweeping statements like that.

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I've done a similar thing to a guy before. We talked, were friendly, but that was it. I didn't flirt with him although apparently he had hopes for more. I don't know how else to say that other than saying a hint comment like "you're such a great friend", "thanks for being a good friend"....etc.

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I've done a similar thing to a guy before. We talked, were friendly, but that was it. I didn't flirt with him although apparently he had hopes for more. I don't know how else to say that other than saying a hint comment like "you're such a great friend", "thanks for being a good friend"....etc.

Just from a guys pov, I think the best thing to say is that you're flattered but you're not interested in him that way. The reason why guys hate the friend speech is because it makes us think we had a chance but messed up by being too much in "friend mode" instead of showing romantic interest. By saying you're not interested in him, it says to me that me as a person isn't what you're looking for and it was beyond my control. So while it still sucks getting rejected, it's not as devastating IMO.

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But being a friend doesn't mean a guy "messed up" it means he has qualities I look for in a friend, and I like spending time with him, its just I'm not personally attracted to him in a more than friends way....

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You're right, it doesn't. But how it is perceived by most guys may be different than the message you're trying to say. Many girls I've talked to tell me if a guy waits too long to show interest, then they usually get friend zoned. A guy who likes you sometimes isn't satisfied with being just friends so when he is given the friend speech, he might feel he didn't do enough to get your interest, even though in reality, you never had any interest in him in the first place. Its all about perception.

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We need to put up a poll to women about how many guys they have rejected/said they would just like to be friends - then actually became friends.

I'm not talking grudgingly remaining FB friends. I'm talking Christmas Card receiving, group picture taking, going on a hike together in the woods friends.

Would be interesting to hear.

But getting back to reality, I believe this topic could and should be taken up again in the Guy's Only section, which appears to be on life support anyway.

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We need to put up a poll to women about how many guys they have rejected/said they would just like to be friends - then actually became friends.

I'm not talking grudgingly remaining FB friends. I'm talking Christmas Card receiving, group picture taking, going on a hike together in the woods friends.

I can tell you from experience, every girl who's given me the friend speech eventually pushed me away until we lost contact. That totals to about 4 or 5 girls. I'm not saying it isn't possible to stay friends, it's just never happened to me.

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sally doesnt seem to get it, neither do any of the girls who i date that i view as wife-material. its like they know youre a great guy, but theyre holding out for Jesus, or air. i think im gonna give up my WTM stance for a month and date girls who get it. i'll let you all know how it goes.

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To be fair, being a great guy doesn't automatically entitle us to date any particular girl. There are tons of great girls out there but that doesnt mean i want to date all of them.

Sure many girls use the friend speech as a convenient excuse to hide some other issue (ie she thinks you're ugly). But sometimes the spark and chemistry just isn't there and that's fine. It would just be nice if girls understood why we hate hearing that line.

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I dated a guy I loved for a year, as hard as it was eventually I told him we'd be better off as friends, and we are still great friends to this day. There are some guys I have dated and tried going back to friends, but it just seemed to fade away. Although the few times I have been asked to enter a relationship, Im honest and just say that Im not looking for a relationship. If they still dont wanna be friends, then thats their loss :P

Sally's right, girls hate hearing it too, most of the time. I think that it has something to do with the (wrong) idea that guys are never supposed to reject a girl - if she is pretty. Sometimes girls may automatically think theyre ugly when theyre not.

You can have 2 great people whose relationship just doesnt work out. "Sometimes two hearts just can't dance to the same beat." Thats when its better to be friends.

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Yeah it def goes both ways. There's been girls I wasn't interested in dating and guess how many I'm actually friends with...zero. I'm not saying im not cordial to them, I am, but im not gonna hang out with them. Most guys aren't out there looking for more friends that are girls...they're looking for a gf or sex or whatever depending on the type of guy...but it's rarely if ever to be "just friends" I can tell you that lol. The friend zone thing has happened to me before and you just move on...whether a girl is using that as an excuse or not either way it really doesn't matter. Not saying you can't stay friends if you want to but if I'm interested in a girl in that way I don't wanna be "just friends"...most guys don't...and that's the truth. Sorry if that makes no sense haha

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Girls hate hearing it too; I think it goes both ways

i just tell them I'm not interested, straight up. i don't give a huge speal on how great of a person i think she is; that's more soul-suffocating.

im pretty sure girls are just more worried about hurting someones feelings, when in fact putting a guy in the friend-zone is the worst thing you can do to a guy and to your own reputation.

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Alright guys, can we just all agree that everyone, guy or girl, hates being in the friend zone and from now on we should just tell people we're not interested?

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Haha thanks for being honest DD. I've talked to a friend about thay this summer (guys and girls being able to be friends or only wanting more) and I told her in my experience, most times when I'm friends with a guy, they want more at some point. Or sometimes I want more than that. She said that's never happened to her because she thinks guys don't think of her as gf material. She does have some good guy friends, but she has wanted to have more with 2 of them at some point so I think my point still stands. When a guy and girl are friends, someone wants to be more than friends at some point. Not forever, but it usually happens sometime.

I realized later that I would treat guys the same as girl friends. Like I guess lunch is fine, but I'm into one on one friendships so I think sometimes I gave the wrong impression. :P

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Okay, here's some of my opinions.

Girls have to deal with guys doing that too. Sometimes guys will ask if you wanna hang out, if you wanna go to this park or whatever. Then it leaves the girl thinking, "Does he like me?? Or does he just wanna be friends. They can send some confusing/mixed signals.

If a guy tells me from the start that he's not interested in me like that, I don't have to worry. I know that he really just wants to be my friend. I like having guy friends who aren't interested in me. Cuz, no offense, but I couldn't just be friends with girls. I want some guy friends to talk with.

Guys will never be able to completely understand girls, and girls will never be able to completely understand guys.

I would tell a guy from the beginning, hey i'm not interested in you in that way. So it doesn't keep him wondering. Cuz, if I tell him that, he doesn't have to worry about if I have feelings for him or not.

So really, this issue goes both ways. It happens to girls quite often, it's just something we seem to talk about among our girl-group.

So, we can all help each other by just being honost from the start.

Yes, it's also sad that we can't be nice to a guy because we are genuinely caring people, without someone saying, "Oh, she sure likes him". It's not always like that. So, just because we're nice to a guy, doesn't mean we like them "like that".

Sometimes people just pick up the wrong signals from the opposite gender. Like EB said, just let them know from the start that your not interested in them, and it will eliminate all confusion.

You do wanna do all this in a nice way also. I hope some of this made sense.

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She does have some good guy friends, but she has wanted to have more with 2 of them at some point so I think my point still stands. When a guy and girl are friends, someone wants to be more than friends at some point.

Agree completely! This has been my experience as well, and it's happened both ways.

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I read this funny quote the other day, and i think it could apply.

"A girl/guy asking to be friends after a possible relationship ending, is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go."

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I've never agreed with Harry Burns when he said "... men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." It's been possible, at least in my life.

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This is a tough issue for me, having been on both ends of it.

On the one hand, I have spoken with girls who are clearly interested in me. Some of them don't do it the wrong way...they just indicate a desire to hang out with me, or to seek me out where I'm working to talk. They would clearly be over the moon if I showed interest, but I simply have to be polite and keep some distance so as not to feed those hopes.

I went out on a few dates with one girl. She was quite nice, and I think pretty quickly fell "in like" with me. This made it more difficult when I told her I just didn't feel a connection or an appeal. We are still friends on Facebook (our physical paths don't cross often) but she has expressed interest in trying some "just friends" events. (Except, I'm trying to juggle how these events would be dateless dates if it's just us two.)

Another girl I've been friends with for over a year and we had good honest conversation as friends. (She is waiting, and so identifies with me.) I decided to take the plunge and ask her out. We had a couple of dates, but I quickly realized there wasn't much beyond friendship with this girl either. I told her so frankly, and she was content with that (she said). We haven't had lunch again yet, but she says she wants to and we still text.

Another girl is a very, very good friend. We work together, we dated once, and still text pretty much every day. But she didn't WTM and that's a major thorn in my side.

And yes! I have been on the receiving end as well! I was really rather smitten with a young lady who was very attractive, very active, apparently quite thoughtful and spiritual, and in the same line of work as I. I offered lunch, and she immediately said only in the friend-zone. (Came right out and admitted it.) I once broached the subject of why the friend zone, and she said there were things in her past that make her put most men in the friend-zone. This leaves me thinking she has trust issues or some such. A month later, I send her an e-mail and tell her it's no use, I am quite interested in determining the nature of this friend-zone boundary, and explained to her the many reasons why she was of interest to me. She was courteous but curt in affirming she was not interested in anything beyond friendship. Only by pressing the matter slightly did I find out she was interested in seeing someone else.

Now, to ME it would have simply been better to say "Oh, that's sweet, but I'm seeing someone else" and leave it at that, but she seemed rather intent, despite very little knowledge about me, to push me away first.

I think for a lot of people, the Harry/Sally dynamic does get in the way. Sometimes the little mojo is shrieking "she's good enough, let's go, let's go!" and your mind and heart are calmly saying thanks but no thanks. You have to be honest above all.

From both sides of the tracks, I can tell you it absolutely bites.

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